In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

"Nightingale"

[Dedicated to Carl Anderson (1945-2004)]

I built my house beside the wood
So I could hear you singing
And it was sweet and it was good
And love was all beginning
Fare thee well my nightingale
'Twas long ago I found you
Now all your songs of beauty fail
The forest closes 'round you
The sun goes down behind a veil
'Tis now that you would call me
So rest in peace my nightingale
Beneath your branch of holly
Fare thee well my nightingale
I lived but to be near you
Tho' you are singing somewhere still
I can no longer hear you.

This is a Leonard Cohen song. Beautiful words.

Ok so today I've called school. I've arranged a meeting with my head for next Tuesday morning to discuss returning to work...

Oh well done Caz - I know this might sound daft but I would write down anything I want to ask or to discuss if it was me. I used to go blank when I had to go to meetings. The very best of luck and I hope everything goes well for you xxx

I've just been writing all upcoming hospital appointments for me and DH. We have 3 between us next week, and I have my 2nd postnatal bloods in December.

How I wish I hadn't turned to December to write down that appointment...

Dec 25th - Baby's First Christmas in big capital letters. Why did I write stuff like that down so far ahead? Why was I so naive...

Because you had big hopes and dreams for your precious baby - just like every other Mummy - you weren't naive at all. xxxxx

Hello ladies.

Sassy - my brother said those exact words to me once, when he rang and told me that he wouldn't be coming to Ciarans funeral. Because it was too hard for him. Poor fucking dote. I told him that if he couldn't bother his arse to come to his nephews funeral, then not to bother to contact me again at all. We haven't spoken properly for nearly six years now and the last time i saw him, at my mothers funeral we came to blows. He's no great loss. I'm sorry that you have to deal with twunts like that.

I had a panic attack today. I was driving along the motorway and it occoured to me that i'd forgotten to confirm the order for Ciaran's flowers. I had to pull over to the hard shoulder and calm down - i haven't been upset like that for a while and it was awful. I'm ok now though.

Dee - glad you are ok, that must have been horrible for you x

Caz - well done, hope your meeting goes well and that your head is understanding. I'm finding work quite hard tbh. The kids are fine, just feel like I've been left to get on with stuff. My timetable is pretty dire as it's the same as the supply doing my maternity was going to do. Just feel down. However, a student who I taught last year came to see me yesterday. Asked how I was, told me I was his favourite teacher and wanted to say bye before joining the army. At least someone appreciates me!

{{{ Dee }}} I'm sorry you had such a bad attack - just a few more difficult days to go now xx

lottie sorry to hear about your friend. I hope her family have good support. Will you go and visit them?

Caz I binned my diary - perhaps worth you doing the same thing too? We should have been in Centerparcs last weekend. Catherine and I had watched the DVD together - we were looking forward to it.

I saw my friends husband at school today ( i look after their children) I gave him a hug and told him i had written to him!!

That's nice of you. If only people would realise that it's only small things that make a difference xx

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx

Lottie I am so sorry to hear about your friend , I hope you are ok xx

Morning x

Tom just walked to school on his own!!!! OK he is 13 and in year 9 BUT the road he has to cross is so very busy and it terrifies me.

Well....he did have his first proper kiss on holiday so I guess he can deal with the road

That's good Shabs
Tell me to sod off if you want... but given you've been feeling like things are shifting on the grief front, have you thought about doing something positive for you... like taking up yoga or meditation or something creative... just ignore me if I'm whittering...

You are not whittering Sassy.

This is going to sound barking mad but I am struggling with life at the moment. I feel quite alone and not sure how I feel about feeling so calm IYKWIM.

My grief has been my 'shield' to most of the rest of the world to KEEP OUT - it has been an invisible force field.

Its very hard to explain.

xx

It sounds very logical to me. Grief is hugely hard work, and very time consuming. Being sad is exhausting. Grieving Catherine has filled the void of mothering her. I find feeling the extent of my grief hard to imagine - it is too painful to touch it, so it is the elephant in the room. But mothering Catherine was a huge, glorious task - and my grief has replaced it. So I know it is big - over whelming.

If your grief is shifting, and Tom is growing up, you're going to have to think about who you are now. What will you do when your tide of grief pulls back? (Excuse my whittering again) but you strike me as someone who isn't terribly kind to yourself - very kind to others... but what about you?

I hope you find something that helps you connect you back with yourself and makes you feel great about calm xx

I haven't known who I am Sassy since I was pregnant with my twins. I was so poorly (pre-eclampsia etc etc) and I dont think I had recovered from the pregnancy and the birth and then Gareth died.

The sunshine came back into my life when Matty was born. When he was killed my entire family fell apart....parents, grandparents, nieces, nephews, siblings etc etc. I realised, very quickly, that it was all up to me, it was up to me to get on with life. I have never grieved for Matty. I haven't had the time and I felt I daren't upset everyone by 'breaking down.' I am now the 'strong one' the 'one who copes with anything', the mother who does everything, the gran who will drop everything at a seconds notice and help no matter how ill or tired I am. I have invited these 'roles' into my life. I think I am a bit of a control freak

Im delighted that Tom is making massive strides towards adulthood but it is weird that he is doing!!

I really dont know who I am.....I think Im probably Shirley Valentine - my favourite character out of my favourite film.

shabs I don't want to seem insensitive but do you think that you became 'the strong one' - sorting eveyone else out, dropping everything when asked, never saying no, because you wanted to make sure that nothing else terrible happened, if you did everything all would be well. That to me is completely understandable after all you have to bear.

I agree with sassy that it seems that you should make some time just for you. I don't know what your circumstances are but could you perhaps get a part time job, maybe even just work in a charity shop for a day or some other voluntary work. Anything to get out of your house for a while and focus on something other than your normal day to day stuff. You are a lovely kind woman and you have a lot to offer. xx

I think you hit the nail on the head Lavendes. Having Tom (just before I was 41) was another chance to get it right, having my precious grandson is another chance to get it right.

My DIL had severe PND and Lew didn't come to me every day until after he was 7 months old - Gareth had died at 7 months and Matty at 7 years. I think my DIL was thinking along the same lines as me - she was afraid to leave him until he had gone past the dreaded '7'.

Every minute of my day is filled but I think I will start writing again...I love writing.

shabs you mustn't think that you got it wrong, you were handed the shittiest deal and no-one should have to bear what you have.

If you love writing you go for it!!xx

Hi folks.

I just need to offload this somewhere.

Six years ago today i was in Worcester Royal Infirmary, after being trasferred there from Swansea. I didn't know it then, but less then twelve hours later my life was to change completely and irrevocably. I would never be that person ever again.

I wanted Ciaran to live so much, i willed him to live. He was so loved so so wanted. I loved him and it still wasn't enough. I couldn't save him. I loved him but he died anyway.

I know i have his brother, and oh, i love him, and i know how bloody lucky i am... but just to have Ciaran here, just to hold him, and touch his cheek with mine, just to feel his tiny tiny body in my arms... i'd give the world.

(((((((((Dee)))))))))

That reliving those last days and hours is so painful . If love could have saved any of our children this would indeed be a very empty thread .

Shabs I agree with Lavandes about you doing so much so you can hold it all together . I did wonder if you would find this peaceful feeling a bit hard to take after a while , it's almost like you have had your break from the grief for a while and now need to get back to the "work" of it . Hopefully you will get used to this new feeling xx
You do deserve to you know xx

dee thinking of you and yours today xx

Dee - thinking of you x

I know what you mean about not being the same person and how you'll never be that person again