In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Evening folks, re the loneliness Sassy I think this is very common - I remember feeling very very lonely and isolated and i don't mean lonely in terms of not having people around me as there have been plenty folks around me, it's loneliness in my headspace and feeling 'abnormal' - nobody around me had a clue what my new normal involved and still involves... I still feel this from time to time but not as much as i used to in the first year.

I also know that I have read Zeno's posts and totally identified with them too, from the small amount she and I have shared on here our experiences have so much common ground. I have also had support from the SUDC organisation mentioned.

Aww thanks Lavandes... Of course you can add me as a friend - can you remember my name from before?

Thanks ppm - I know what you mean... it is like being on a different planet. A friend came round today and suddenly went "Oh, are you having a party?" I had unpacked my delivery of sky lanterns on the kitchen table. As you lot know, we are most certainly not having a party.

I also think I do feel abandoned though as well. My mother hasn't spoken to me in months. I would give anything to hold my daughter - to speak to her - all she needs to do is pick up the phone. I know I do have other people to speak to - and my Dad has really come though for me - but it still hurts.

How's everyone else doing? Lavandes - you seem to be struggling through.
Another week for us all - PPM - I hope you manage to get all the work crap sorted out. Thinking of you and sending you love Dee xx

Sassy "are you having a party?" WTF??? sky lanterns are lovely - we let 3 off on a very snowy day in march that would have been gregor's 3rd birthday.

I'm actually pretty much ok with the work situation thanks - just feel that it's the next step... I know i'll be dumping a lot of stress once I get out of there... there's gotta be something else out there that i'm better suited to... just gotta get up, out and find out exactly what that 'something' is!! Another counsellor appointment tomorrow.

PPM Sometimes things change for the better! About bloody time they did.

Sky lanterns were my recreational shop - I think that's progress... I was also quite comforted to buy things for flower arrangements too... I know it's not exactly make up in Harvey Nicks, but I think I am moving in the right direction.

Also had a friend for lunch today for the first time since C died, and managed to cook a proper meal - which I couldn't have done at all 3 months ago. Had the electric mixer out for the first time since C died - it was hard, as she loved to "help" - but I did it.

Has anyone heard of National Children's Memorial Day - it's the second sunday in Dec. It's an international thing - with candle lighting at 7pm - so it moves with the time zones creating a wave of light. I can't find anything happening around here - and I did sort of wonder about organising something? Any ideas - am I mad to consider it?

Sassy - I think that is a lovely idea if you'll find it of some comfort... not mad at all.

There is a simular sort of thing on Oct 15th - Infant Loss Rememberance. I know I'll light candles, and encourage friends and family to do ther same, and of course I'll mark that Sunday in Dec in memory of all you're children too.

Just planned our meals for the week... we're starting slimming world again tomorrow - weighed tonight and I've put on half a stone since the last time I weighed...

Church was helpful this morning, I'm going to go again next week. This place seems to be giving me the comfort I need and I feel compelled to return. I was asked if I had children by the pastors wife. I coped well - with a heavy lump in my throat and threatening sob. I told her about Belle, and they put their arms around me as a response. A bit weird maybe in some respects, but I felt loved and supported. There was no need for words.

Caz after Matt was killed I put on about 4 stone in the first 6 months....I ate everything and anything. Food I did not like, food that was past its sell by date...anything!!!! I kept trying to fill a 'hole', trying to fill an ever expanding gap. I am only 4ft 10inches tall and about 5 years ago I weighed 20 stone. I am now down to about 14 stone - still double the weight I should be. On my holidays I lost about 20 pounds LOL....it was very hot, I wasn't hungry and I didn't have my very strong, very cheap cider.

In fact I am trying to stop drinking it. I have had two glasses of cider in 3 weeks. This is the first part of my 'total recovery' I now dont want to drink it. xx

Morning girls xx

sassy well done for cooking lunch for your friend. You have taken that step for the first time - brilliant. I try to tell myself that if I do something for the first time next time will be better because I have done it before and got through it.

shabs losing 20 pounds thats great. I think the government should be nicer to us and as well as making booze more expensive they should take the calories out of it!!!!
I too struggle with my weight, but I have not put any on since Richard died even though I am taking steroids, I think it must be a miracle. xx

Morning all xx

Shabs it really sounds like something really lovely and positive is happening for you atm . It is brilliant to be reading xxx

I think it is but I am also very scared!! Most of me does not want to 'let go' to 'set my boys free' - but I also am sick of being sad. Being in Greece is very, very good for me - it feels like I am 'home.'

I don't think you should look at it as "letting them go" they are always going to be a huge part of you but if you can have some peace then I think that is wonderful xx

Thank you TW - its still 'work in progress' but I'm getting there - wherever the hell 'there' is

"work in progress" sounds good enough to me

Wow Shab - 20 pounds on holiday is fab! Weight is such a difficult thing to manage isn't it, and when we're already trying to manage the tiniest of things in our lives its not surprising we give up managing our weight.

Can you send DH lots of good luck vibes today please. He has his interview at 2.00pm for that promotional job. I so hope he gets it, he really deserves it, I want something happy to happen for him.

Hi all, Sorry not have been online but holidays make things very difficult! I was listening to Radio 2 yesterday morning when Ian Clayton was on talking about losing his daughter Billie in a canoeing accident. They were talking about positive things coming from tragedy and i texted in and mentioned our thread here! It was read out too!!

I read Ian's story about Billie in the paper a while back. Heartbreaking. I have since stopped getting that paper because almost every week there is a tale of tragedy and loss, and actually, I don't want to read them anymore. I know too well how it felt and I don't like to be taken back there.

Sassy I was unable to bake for a long time after dd died. She had got to the stage of really helping and enjoying our time together in the kitchen, and we baked so much in the months before she died. We had builders in doing work and they wanted to know how we weren't all the size of a house with the amount of cake on offer. I've recently started baking again, though I don't find it so soothing as I used to.

Sky lanterns are a no go here as we're on the coast and people tend to report them to the coastguard thinking they're emergency flares. Shame as I love the idea of them.

Catherine liked baking. When she was about 6 months old, I used to sit her in the highchair in the kitchen and talk to her about what I was doing.. when she turned 2 she started making crumbles - I'm inspired to put a video of her treacle tart on FB...

Go take a look - Lavandes - did you add me m'dear?

Zeno we're apparently almost too close to the airport... sort of on the cusp... xx

OPINIONS.... What do you think of this?

Have a lunching friend at work, have known her for about a decade. She has 2 DCs - one older than C, one younger.

Bumped into her today, and she volunteered that she hadn't gone to the funeral becasue it was just too painful for her. She hadn't sent a card or been in touch because it was too horrible to even think about - she didn't want to think about it.

So, I'm genuinely not sure whether to think that's a bit naff - I mean the funeral etc was horrible for me, y'know... OR to just admire her honesty.

What do you think - what would you think if someone said it to you?

I would probably smile and mumble that it's ok that she didn't go. Then after I digested the conversation I would be fuming and realise that she was not a friend at all.

My circle of friends reduced a lot during C's illness and then his subsequent death. Sadly people showed their true colours and I don't have time or the emotional energy for them.

I'm sorry she behaved like that, why do people think it's acceptable?

Oh, and well done on the cooking Sassy

I do think that people with children similar ages were more absent from my life after Harry died . It was too close to home for them . At the time I didn't give a shite how they felt tbh (well not that much anyway) but in time I suppose I have understood it more (or maybe I am just getting soft in my old age)

I suppose I would admire her honesty but in the same vein she should respect yours when you tell her that it was bloody hard for you in ways she hasn't even dreamt about . It is nice for her she has the choice to not face the truth and hide away in her bubble but for you it is every day life and maybe she could think about that next time things get a bit "much" for her .

Can you tell this was an issue for me ?

I do also remember a good friend tell me that she found it so hard to see me in so much pain when she was going home to her children and that the guilt for her was awful . Something I wouldn't have thought about if she hadn't voiced .

Thanks for the views... I suspect this is the rationale behind a lot of behaviour... but others just don't say it!

Lunatic Good for you. My oldest friend - the one who didn't come for the funeral - eventually texted to say she was coming for the day. Early plane, lunch, graveyard, late plane home. I couldn't work out if it was a nice gesture or vaguely insulting.

Anyway, I had already gone back to work so said I wasn't free - which I wasn't. So she said she would look for a new date... still waiting... It will 5 months next Monday since C died. She only lives 400 miles away.

sassy I have been looking at your photos and videos. Catherine is so beautiful and happy. Why must life be so cruel? xx

Morning girls. xx

Back to the normal routine today - Tom is now in Year 9 where did time go? He has done lots of growing up this Summer. He only turned 13 at the end of July. On holidays he made friends with a boy and girl who, according to him, are very cool They were only 14 and 15 but he thinks they are the bees knees!! He told me last night that the 15 year old girl gave him a kiss before we came home. He said it was his first kiss and it was lovely

They hung around together for the 2 weeks holiday. Today he has asked me if I would straighten his hair before he goes to school. Its very scary that he has suddenly grown up but its great fun to witness.

Morning, I heard last night that someone that i have known for a long time passed away on Saturday night! She leaves her husband and two littlies as well. Life really is shit isnt it!!