In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Minione It is not silly at all - reality it may be, but we had such hopes, dreams and expectations and what we've been given certainly wasn't part of that for an expectation.

I will be thinking of you Tuesday. And I agree with lavandes - go, but go home if you need to. It will be such a huge step and achievement even to go to work for the first time at all, wihtout worrying about a whole day. Have you discussed a phased return at all?

I think that is what I will discuss with my head when I go in to give my 6 week return notice next week. Ask if I can go back on mornings for a week or two. Its better to ease in and it be successful than try doing too much all at once. As lavandes has said, do not push yourself. Only do as much as you feel able.

I have the same feelings as you - my return date was supposed to be the 4th May NOT 3rd Nov... sigh.

I'm going to go to bed. I hope everyone has a peaceful bank holiday.

Ilike I am so happy for you

lavandes TCF stands for The Compassionate Friends. They are an organisation for bereaved parents. I have never been to a meeting but got incredible support from their website in the early days after Billie's death. www.tcf.org.uk The website is not as good and busy as it once was but the people are wonderful.

sassy I have just been catching up a bit with some of the posts on here. If you need someone to talk to about ttc I am happy to chat. As you know I have had two since losing my Billie and I am even older than you .

thanks for that tfmdv I really had no idea what it was. I have read some of your posts and your Billie sounds amazing, you must be so proud of her, I am so sorry you have lost her to such a dreadful illness. Until my son died I would not have known how awful this path of grief is.

I hope you and your family have found some peace. xx

Thank you lavandes. I have not been on this special thread much lately. Sometimes I prefer to vent elsewhere so as not to take over here. I know noone would mind if I did though.

I am so sorry to hear about your boy. What a dreadful, horrible shock for you. Your love for him is so evident in your posts. x

Thanks Lavandes. I'm so sorry to hear about the awful way Richard died, I think you are really brave and I'm glad you shared your story with us. I hope work does help, I'm not hugely optimistic as I can't say I love the college I work at and even on a good day teaching teenagers isn't the easiest job. Having said that, it does take your mind off things and the students were amazing on results day. When 16 year olds give you a hug in sympathy but the 40 yr old married father of two vice principal asks if you've gad a nice summer it's saying something isn't it?

Caz - haven't asked about phased return but tbh the HR manager wasn't sure when I was coming back ( I had told the principal). I'm going to see how it goes, if things get too much I will ask for help.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow minione and you can be guaranteed that we'll all be with you in spirit and holding your hand. Just do what feels right, you can do no more.

Nice to see you here mrsD and thanks for the congrats.

Blimey Sassy the whole splitting up thing had me worried for a while

Congratulations Ilike

Evening ladies xx

I have just told DH how concerned everyone was about us breaking up..
He is looking befuddled - "but we haven't broke up"... Poor thing - he's confused now
It would be bad news for the ttc front too... not that I seem to be having a lot of success there either.

Minione Good luck at work tomorrow. I haven't found it harder than staying at home tbh - it just sort of fills the day. Hope it goes ok for you. Don't be afraid to say to hell with this and go home though... plenty of time xx

morning ladies x

minone thinking of you today. Hope all goes well, remember you are the only inmportant one today. xx

sassy doesn't take much to confuse them sometimes does it? you may reap the rewards, keep him on his toes! (only joking)

I can't stop crying. I cried all day yesterday and am crying now. I shouldn't be going back, I should be on maternity leave, at home with a baby. I feel like a failure. I've let everyone down, I let my baby down. Dh seems to think it's the going back after being off that's making me anxious, it's not that as I went in for results days and was generally ok, it's the fact that going back before Easter was not part of the plan. I just want to curl up in bed or run away.

minione You are not a failure and you have not let anyone down. Maybe it is too soon and you are not ready, don't push yourself you have nothing to prove to anyone. Don't put yourself under pressure, just do what you feel comfortable with. Sending you hugs xx

{{Minione}} Yes, it's shit.. It's not the life we were meant to lead, but it's the one we've ended up with. Do what you feel easiest about work today. It doesn't matter if you don't go today in the big scheme of things. It's ok if you cry there too - but don't torture yourself my love - it's only a job xx

One of the strange things for me about work is re-engaging with my wardrobe. Have worn nothing except jeans/shorts and a t-shirt - and have worn that pink fleece top that I though Catherine would like and bought just after she died every day. I have washed it btw but it dries quickly.

So back at work, suited and booted. First 2 days I took the pink fleece in a bag. PPM came round and told me her counsellor had recommended bringing a comforter... so I'm not as mad as I thought.

Yesterday I pulled something out of the wardrobe and it had a reward sticker on it. Catherine sometimes used to give them to me when I got home - or on the way out the door... Sometimes I would forget I was wearing them Other times I'd remove them and stick them on the back of my security pass.

I keep thinking, the last time I wore these trousers or this top/suit, my daugther was alive. When I ironed this and put it in my wardrobe my daughter was alive. She may have been standing next to me with the ELC ironing board and iron.

I suppose it is all part of thinking - the world is going on. My daughter has died and the world is going on.

(((Minione)))

Echoing what lavandes has said - you are not a failure, and you've not let anyone down. I know how easy it is to let yourself feel like this - I feel like it a lot, but we know its not true deep down.

You're a very strong brave person and this is a massive step. Please be gentle on yourself. x x x

So sorry Minione.

I am so sorry for intruding on your thread. I know I don't 'belong' here. But I do lurk here sometimes, as I think it gives me some clue as to how my mother felt, losing three children (one as a toddler; two as young adults).

All I want to say to all of you is this: I am absolutely in awe at the way that you all support each other.

I hope you don't mind - but I am sending each and every of you all love and huge hugs.

What a beautiful post Princess - I don't think anyone here would mind such kind words!

I'm so sorry to hear of your siblings.

Mini - been thinking of you all day. x x x

HI Everyone

Well, I survived! DH walked to work with me as i was in such a state, bless him, he has to start a new job tomorrow. Anyway, a few people asked how I was doing, some people didnt say anything. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be ( as are most things in life!) i guess the next milestone is actually teaching on Thursday.

Thank you for all your kind words and support, I really dont think I could have managed without you all xxx

minione well done!! be proud of yourself xx

Minione - You've done amazingly today! x x x

Good on you Minione for making it in the doors x I struggled with dreadful anxiety on my return to work but now i know what it is and recognise it i don't get freaked out as much when it rears its head!

Huge congratulations ILike - am really pleased for you x here's hoping i join you on that path sometime soon xx

Have not been here much as I'm being made redundant and haven't really felt like chatting about it.

Well done Minione , you have got the worst over with now .

ppm , I am so sorry about your job , I hope you are ok .

How is everyone doing this morning ? All ok this end I think xx

Morning girls xx

Waiting for our friend Nikos to take us to the airport - cant believe it is time to come home.

Princess - you are always welcome here xx

Today hasn't gone so well. I managed to stay at work but cried and cried when I got home, all the shittyness just sort of hit me. I'm going in tomorrow but I'm wondering whether I should have gone part time for a while. We went to the sands meeting tonight which helped as there was another teacher who had lost twins in June and had gone back today and was feeling the same. I guess I'll just see how tomorrow goes.

Good night xx