In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

(((Hugs))) for you Minione

I wish is knew what to say to make it better for you. Maybe speak to your head tomorrow and discuss a phased return - reduced hours or part time as you said for a while.

Lots and lots of strength for tomorrow x x x

What a beautiful thing for the lady to do LF - there are some wonderful people on Mumsnet aren't there... Belle's rose off the August 2010 ladies is due to arrive sometime this autumn (not sure when) - looking forward to going to buy the pot. Just hope I can keep it alive! Some people are truely kind aren't they.

PPM So sorry to hear about your job. Its so scary, my DH was made redundant a couple of years ago, and we got to the stage where things were going to start falling apart, and then by some answered prayer he got a job that month... will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that you are able to find another job very soon. x x x

Shab it will be nice to have you back from holiday! :) Hope you've had a lovely time.

Had a mini-meltdown in Asda today. DH's close friends baby boy was born last week (that put me into a full on low Friday and crying into the night), and today I went to buy a little something for him. I think its was made easier by the fact he is a boy, I really wouldn't have coped with buying girl things... walking past baby girl clothes had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat - was threatening a sob in the supermarket, but held it together I think. Couldn't cope with being in clothes aisle so had to move, so baby boy has a blue baby boy towel. Not a present that has had the most effort put into it for prettiness but LOADS of effort for sheer strength from me being near baby things. I hope they understand....

hi ladies,
i hope you dont mind me poking my nose in.

Im 21 and a sahm to a 3 and 1yo, and my baby brother was still born on 20th may this year.
beautiful jacob.

im struggling to cope, and ive ended up moving in with my mum in an attempt to help her, i hope someone can give me any advice, i know i cant fix this but how can i help her and then myself

Oh girls - We have been home a few hours - I have been up to my dear friends house. I am more than a bit drunk and I want to be back home in Greece!!! Will come on tomorrow when I have done 3 large suitcases of washing and looked after my grandson for 6 hours!!!! xxxx

jj - I'm so so sorry to hear about your baby brother Jacob. What a lovely name. You are not poking your nose in at all. I hope you find some support here.

My daughter Anabelle was born sleeping on the 21st June 2010.

I'm not the best with words - there are Mums on here who always give excellent advice! They'll be around tomorrow.

You say you're struggling to cope - have you taken the time to give yourself time to grieve too? There is only so long someone can remain strong for somebody else before they need some TLC too... How is your Mum coping?

All you can do at the moment is be there - maybe just doing the little things, like keeping the housework ticking over, making sure everyone is eating properly - like you said it can't be fixed. Emotions are going to be all over the place, for your Mum and for you. Remember to give yourself some time too.

One of the nicest pieces of advice I was given was to do something nice for myself every day. A Mummy called Sassy gave me a list... I'll go back and find it and repost it in a minute...

Direct your Mum here if she would like to vent/scream - we'll all understand. That goes for you too... I've been finding SANDS very useful too. I find it helpful knowing I'm not the only person feeling this way, because grief is very isolating.

Good basic every day living advice as posted on previous thread by Sassy

If you are very low, I think you need to think about the bare minimum, step at a time sort of stuff, for example:

• are you both eating proper regular meals? Even if you don't feel like it - not eating will make it harder to cope.
• what about alcohol/other drugs? If you're drinking more than a small beer or a glass of wine, it's probably making you feel worse, doesn't help in the long run.
• are you doing anything - going out/taking exercise? You should be aiming for at least 30 minutes exercise a day to get your much needed endorphin boost - it could be walking or swimming or whatever, but you both must do something - even if you don't feel like it.
• do something nice for yourself every day - I know you don't feel like it - well I dont' anyway - but I think you have to indulge yourself when you're feeling low. So do whatever you can bear to pull yourself up - eat in fancy restaurants, buy yourself a cushion, get a pedicure - whatever...
• talk/social contact - I think it's really important not to be socially isolated. I think this is hard but even going to church or a band or some other event does not get you out amongst life. YOu mustn't cut yourself off.

Hope this is helpful jj x x x

thank you so much caz.

we do get out alot with the wee ones we are lucky enough to have, my brother is 2 and my sister 5 and my two are 3 and 1, so we have our hands full. and since my dp has the car we walk lots.

we dont drink or take drugs.

my dp is cooking like a mad man to feel usefull so we are always fed.

i just got my straighteners from home and she loves me doing her hair, so i will every day.

that list is most helpful, thank you.

and no i havent really had time for myself, me and dp 'took on' so to speak my brother and sister while she was in hospital and arranging funeral and so on, and then i felt i shouldnt bring her down when the constant crying stopped.

many thanks again, and i hope to keep coming back, your all amazingly strong women, thank you.x

hi girls ,welcome jj and hope you get good advice and help here.
welcome home shabs, its been a busy week,and my baby granddaughter has chickenpox, ive never seen so many spots on a little one,bless her she is very brave.
my grandson should have started nursery today, i know she was dreading today and she was very brave, its coming up to his fourth birthday,this year seems very hard,
my youngest dd is due her daughter 30th dec,so will have five granddaughters then,dh says he is thrilled its another girl as having a boy would be harder,i dont know though,just grateful thhey are all healthy ,happy girls.

Morning girls xx

Thinking of you all today - promise I will get back on here at some point in the day!!! Got Lew this afternoon - not sure if I have the energy

JJ, I too am a sibling on this thread rather than a parent. I'm a couple of years older than yourself. There is a bereaved siblings thread but it isn't as busy as this one and the siblings are geenerall older so i think you may gain more from being on this thread.
You do neede to grieve yourself. I cried the intial few days after my brothers death pretty much constantly DH had to phone OOH as i was inconsolable and screaming . I tried to keep it away from my parents especially my mum as much as possible. That night was the only time i light and smoked a cigarette in front of my mum walking down the street. We had been to get an address for one of DB's mates from 1 of my mates. I digress, i tried keeping it away from her as much as possible and at christmas i well and truely broke down in front of hre and felt terrible for it as it was like a volcano errupting. I couldn't understand why it was my db and not me, im the eldest it should have been me. Irrational i know but they are my feelings.

We're just coming up to 11 months from DB's killing and we have had many tirals in that time, 3 days at court as it kept getting adjourned and the inquest, also have had what could have been serious/fatal inllnesses (other db and dad) amoungst others. We are organising a charity event in my db's memory and mum and I have a tradition of when we go town to try get donations we go to the pub and have a glass of wine. We always take this time to talk about db, mum is the only person i can really talk to about him. My dad doesnt want to talk too much think its his way of dealing with it, db isn't dealing with it too well like me and getss very angry and DH didnt really know him. It sounds awful but it has brought us even closer together but i would rather us stay the way we were before db's death and have him.

Sorry that turned out to be a bit of an essay. Just poured out some of it i've not said on here at all even on my initial thread.

lovely to hear from you shelley,

i am terribly sorry about your loss, thank you for sharing with me, it helps not feeling so alone.
I sometimes feel i dont have the right to feel pain each day for jacob since he wasnt mine iyswim,
Dp had never spoke about it, the most hes said was it does affect him too, but i dont have the stregnth to want to hear more than that, i deal with my mum daily, and my little sister is only 5 and asks for jacob alot, which makes it hard, sometimes on bad days i just wish she would shut up so i could forget for a second.
which is wrong i know.

i think it sank in breifly, for just a day, i felt numb and just left home for a while, dp had the children, i called a good friend and went and had jacob tattood on my wrist, for some reason seeing it makes me feel calm, like hes with me and the pain of the tatoo nuumbed the pain inside a while, i dont normally like them but this helped me i think.

anyways ill stop rambling now, my thoughts are with you all x x x x

Minione,

Can totally relate to how you are feeling. I'm a teacher too and my little boy died in 2005 when he was 18 weeks old. He had a rare genetic disease called SMARD. Anyway, I remember the first day back being awful - like you I survived the day but just cried when I got home. It felt all wrong - I was supposed to be at home looking after my baby but instead I was looking after everyone else's kids. I went back full time but my school were great and cut back my contact time. Be kind to yourself and don't feel bad if you need to take some time out.

Hello to everyone else. So sorry for your losses.

Well my something nice for myself today has been curling my hair! Its taken over an hour but I feel good now - shame I'm stuck in all day....

jj - don't forget to do something nice for YOU each day to as well as your Mum...

Its just knowing that someone somewhere has some idea of how your feeling etc. I know i dont understand completely as my brother was in his early 20's but it was still a suddden and unexpected death and he was loved so very much like is obvious Jacob was by you. Jacob is your brother and that has its own set of challenges so you must make sure you look after yourself too. I know what you mean about your sister my ds regularly mentions his uncle and it hurts so much especially some of the things he says and what he associates with my db.
I understand what you mean about a tattoo when it can be seen. I have 3 different coloured circles intwined on my wrist. One of me and each of my brothers in our favourite colours, it look random to most people but it gives me a great sense of ease. If i ever have any doubts i just look at it and it reminds me that even though 1 of my brothers isn't here physically anymore he still is very much part of me. 3 Siblings, 3 lives always together with an unbreakable bond. Im thinking of getting names tattooed with it. Theres a few that im going to get for my db the 1 i want most will set my son of so going to get something in the meantime till ds is older. I do like my tattoos but they all have a very specific meaning to me.

Hi Everyone, thanks for all your supportive messages. Welcome JJ, I hope you can find some support here. My step son is 17 and was taking his AS exams when Malachy died, he doesnt say much about his baby brother but at the funeral he sobbed his heart out. He didnt do very well in his exams and I guess this is a huge factor.

Well I survived my first day of teaching! I barely slept last night and really didnt want to go in, but I did and it was ok. I feel absolutely shattered though.

Well done Mini - proud of you xxx What subject do you teach?

Caz - I think you did really well buying a present for your friend's baby. I've had a few times when I've nearly lost it in the supermarket, it always seems to be full of babies.

Hi Shabs, hope you had a fab holiday! I teach English in an upper school ( Leicestershire has a slightly different system) so GCSE and A levels. I've got my Alevel group tomorrow, they sent me a card when Malachy died and are a lovely bunch. We are about to start Philip Larkin so his cynicism and misery is quite fitting at the moment!

AC73 - thank you for your message, it's a difficult job when you're on top form! I'm sorry to hear about your son, what was his name?

Oh English - my favourite, favourite subject. xx

Morning all xx

Morning girls xx

morning ladies.

woke up at 5.00, got up and have done housework, better than lying in bed thinking.

minione glad you are coping with work. I find it is a lifeline, fills up the day but sometimes I still come home and cry, I think it is because I bottle it up through the day. Your job is very demanding and I think you are brilliant the way you are dealing with it. Take it easy at the weekend xx

jj welcome to the thread I know that you will find support here as I have. You are being a wonderful support to your Mum but you must have support for yourself as well, you have a young family and need to look after yurself. xx

shabs welcome home. Hope you had a good time and were able to relax. I seem to have reached a plateau, I don't feel any better or worse at the moment I just feel the same most of the time. We are going to a bbq at our best friends home tonight, they have been such a wonderful support to us, we will see some people for the first time since Richard's death, hope we will cope with it, but we must 'jump these hurdles', as you have told me before the thought of these things is always worse than the reality. I am trying to be positive. xx

sassy hope you are as well as you can be. Well done for going back to work, it does help fill the long days doesn't it? xx

Morning all xx

Today I am lighting my candle for Kieran who died tragically at home as a result of an accident on the 3rd of September 2006, aged
11.

Kieran's Mum isn't a poster on our thread, but she is lovely, lovely person who has also lost a baby son. Feeling so sad for her and her family today xx

Oh Sassy that is so sad. xxxx

This is going to sound very odd so please bear with me.

Remember I said that I hadn't felt my sons around me on holiday? It didn't upset me it just felt odd.

Well.....up to now they are no longer all around me at home. It is the oddest feeling. I usually sit at the computer and everything sparks a little memory and I smile and think of them. BUT thats all gone and there is just a quiet, calm feeling of peace. I have longed for the day when Im not tortured with guilt but this feeling is just so odd....any ideas, anyone, as to what is going on

Oh my word I used the word 'odd' a few too many times in that last post xx

Lavandes Big hug for you - plateaus are good. I have a mental image now of you striding on, aiming for the summit. You reached a grassy plateau that seems a good spot to rest for a while. You still have your eye on the top.

Work is a difficult one, isn't it? I don't find the work itself hard, and it does fill the day. The first week I didn't mind so much that nearly nobody mentioned C at all, or even acknowledged that I had been out of the office. I work in a huge, huge office (and have done for over a decade, so know a lot of people) and only my line manager, and 2 other people outwith my team asked how I was coping. No one from Church (200 people mostly living a short walk away) has enquired how I am in nearly 2 months, till I got a text yesterday... so I was sort of thinking - well, people at work are there to work - not care - so what differnce does it make.

This week however, I did find work a bit harder - it's just the deafening silence of their lack of concern. The friends who won't call, the church who doesn't ask and now, sitting for umpteen hours a day with people who I've known for years, who can't say "how are you?" It is just over whelming.

And it's so familiar too. You look up at the clock I used to watch, and think - Catherine is getting picked up from preschool now. The clock is still there. Every other child is getting collected. But my daughter is dead. And the photos of other people's DCs sit on their desk, as they always did - and everyone else's child is alive and my daughter is dead.

I went to a leaving lunch on Tuesday, and one member of staff insisted on telling a "funny" story about A&E. (I work in a health related field). As he started I said clearly "please don't" - but he just went on, saying - don't worry it's funny! I wanted to announce that I spent 5 hours sitting in A&E with my DD on the day she died and I didn't find any A&E story particularly jovial.

If I had done, people (no doubt) would have jedged I was handling my return to work badly.

Shabs xposts obviously...

I think it sounds very, very positive. After nearly 30 years, you certainly deserve to feel calm and peaceful, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Perhaps your full life and time has just allowed you to heal - you have two lovely sons who are with you, and your gorgeous grandson - maybe your boys just know you don't need them around so much these days, and they are way busy doing something else!

I went to TCF last Tuesday - the organiser had lost her 3 yr old 28 years ago - she was very calm about her loss too xx