In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Hi ladies

Caz. Well done for getting through the weekend, it must have been difficult but sounds like you did well.

I can't believe malachy was born 10 weeks yesterday. Sometimes it seems like it was minutes ago, other times it seems so long ago. Been out for a few drinks with friends, nice evening but tbh I feel like I'm putting on a brave face all the time.

Sassy - glad you stood up to that woman. She probably didn't realise how hurtful she was being but people should think before they speak.

Morning all.

Yes, brave face seems to be life now.

I'm proud of myself today. I've been talking to my next door neighbour properly for the first time since Belle died. If you remember her baby was born the day before Belle died. We've just been chatting for a good 20 minutes about both our babies.

In a motivated mood for cleaning and sorting out my house today. So far I've cleaned every inch of the kitchen and I'm now going to move onto the living room...

I hope everyone is ok... x x x

caz well done for talking to your neighbour that must have been very difficult for you. Hope the housework went well, I must do mine tomorrow, or the next tomorrow! xx

Its really quiet here! Where is everyone?

Housework went well thanks Lavandes - a very tidy downstairs I now have... didn't get as far as upstairs. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow!!

Sorry I have been awol. We spent the weekend at my parents. I'll catch up now.

Morning all xx

Having a really weird day.

That panicky feeling is back.

Today I'm really missing being pregnant, and I mean really missing it. I think I must be going mad because I'm positive I've felt 'kicks' - of course I know they not kicks - but its the same bubble popping type feelings I had when I first started feeling Belle move. I must be feeling wind or something.

I just feel so empty. I loved being pregnant - we were both enjoying our growing little Belle and Bump so much.

I don't want another baby right now, its not a missing of being pregnant with a desire to get pregnant again. Maybe its because we put our bump-cast in our room this week and my pregnant self is on display now. Something hit me about being pregnant next time - there will be LOTS of scans - which should be reassuring to me, but how on earth will I ever get through another scan in one piece? It was a scan that shattered our entire world. The idea of lying on that scanning table again, flashbacks to that moment when the lady said "I'm so sorry but we can't find your babies heartbeat" - it will always have such bad memories, scary memories....

LF - have you decided what to do for Daisy's day yet? How about releasing something into the sky to her, like a lantern or balloon? We released a pink heart balloon on the evening of Belle's funeral by her graveside and I know we'll do this on her birthday as well now.

All the best for your scan on tomorrow, is this your 12 week? This is such a huge week for you, I'll be thinking of you.

Caz you will find a way to live with all those memories and experiences. I know it seems impossible right now but you will. One day, when the time comes, you will get through those scans, and all those other moments that you have lived through with Belle. And something in you will be able to hope, and maybe even believe, that this time things need not be the same.

Hiya girls. Well, up to now, this is the first year we have been in Greece when the boys are 'not with us.' No signs that they are around - just one butterfly today and not the usual two.....very strange xx

evening girls,hope all ok,

Hi folks,

Sorry for being AWOL, lots going on here. Hope everyone is doing as well as hey can.

Sending much love x

Good luck for the scan tomorrow LF, I'll be thinking of you.

Well done for talking to your neighbour Caz, that's huge.

WRT to worrying about future pregnancies, my advice would be just worry about what's happening today. You are still only a short faw down this path and everything is so raw. Don't waste your energy on what may happen in the future. You need your energy for the here and now. However, I am well aware that that is easier said than done.

Hi everyone

Hope you all are ok. I went in to college for GCSE results yesterday, lots of the students already knew about malachy and were very sweet and asked how I was doing etc. However, a few didn't know and asked me if I had the baby with me etc. Naturally, they felt awful when I told them and I was a bit of a state. My stomach actually lurched and I felt sick. However, they didn't know Malachy had died where as the idiot vice principal who asked me if I'd had a nice summer did. They are also 16 whereas he's a 40 yr old man.

I wish I had Malachy there with me, to show off to my students. They'd all asked if I'd bring him in on results day and there I Was on my own having to tell them my baby had died.

Good luck for tomorrow LF, thinking of you x

LF I will be thinking about you tomorrow and holding you as close as possible from 2,500 miles away.

Well girls, I finally told my story today - I know its not funny but the reaction I got was, to be honest, hysterical. One of the Mums around the pool remarked that I was very protective of Tom and her son was just a year older and allowed to wander where he wanted and do what he wanted.

So, with a small audience, I told my story - at the end of it about half the women were quietly sobbing and the woman who had questioned my parenting was just sat with her mouth wide open.

I wanted to laugh because if ever there is a conversation stopper its my story (or our stories) I then just went for a swim and left them all behind with tumbleweed rolling across the sunbathing terrace!!! LOL - as I said, its not funny but it was IYKWIM??

Thinking of you all and sending my love to all of you xxxx

LF - glad your scan went well, sorry, thought it was tomorrow x

Tying daisies to the balloons sounds beautiful and so fitting, a lovely idea and hope you find comfort in however you choose to mark the day xxx

Shabs - hope you are having a lovely time, I am very envious as it is cold and wet in Leicestershire. We even had the log burner going last night!

LF - I'm so pleased your scan today went well. It must be a mix of so many emotions for you at the moment.

I know you are all right - there is no need to be worrying about the future at the moment, and I know time is on my side... The problem with me you see is that I have always been a worrier, I'm terrible for the "what if" game, and "how will" game. Even though I know it doesn't help. Anxiety should've been my middle name really.

What you have planned for Daisy on Saturday sounds so lovely. Thats a gorgeous idea by Daisy's sister, absolutely perfect. :)

Minione well done for going in for the results. That was really brave.

Shabs I hope you are enjoying your holiday.

Tomorrow I'm doing another step of braveness. Which all sounds very good in theory, but in reality we'll see how I am tomorrow afternoon. Next door neighbour has invited me in for a cuppa every day this week. I've declined poliety up till tomorrow but felt I should as she's asked again. So tomorrow, I'm going around for a cuppa. In a tiny room, with a baby girl... I guess the longer I keep putting this kinda thing off the worse its going to get. Biting the bullet time.

Wrote another poem today - I'm finding it very theraputic you know, a kind of outlet. This one sums me up the last couple of days perfectly. I'm low, but I'm trying. Really I am.

The Colour in My Life

The colour in my life has faded,
It?s now all miserable shades of grey,
I struggle to find the sparkle,
Since Anabelle flew away.

We were expecting a beautiful girl,
Expecting a life full of pink,
But now the grey has descended,
And tears are always on the brink.

My life used to be bright,
With yellows and reds and golds,
Full of beautiful rainbows,
Until the day I was told.

How do I find the gold and sparkle?
How do I fight the grey?
Find the strength to carry on,
To find new pink or blue one day.

I still want to see in colour,
But it seems so far away from here,
The entire colour is now in heaven,
My beauty Belle took it with her.

And yet I see a little light,
It shines right near my heart,
Highlighting the fading colour in me,
Anabelle and I are never really apart.

A tiny little pink remains with me,
Anabelle coloured my soul,
She remains forever with me,
Restoring the colours is now our goal.

The red of love is still overwhelming,
For my Jon, for Belle ? our family,
It?s the red that keeps me going,
Without it, I would not be.

A sign of white and roses,
Brings memories of smiles,
Weddings and circles and angels,
Shining bright in the sky for miles.

I must continue to find the colours,
To fight grey and find rainbows again,
And to especially find my sparkle,
For my Anabelle, my precious gem.

Caz - I think you are really brave going to your neighbour's. I haven't come into close proximity with any babies since Malachy died. Part of me wants to see my friends newborn but I don't think I can face it just yet, I'm really happy for her but I think I'd be too upset. Tbh I've avoided friends with older babies, we avoided a BBQ a few weeks ago and this was mainly because I didn't want to see my friend's baby.

I hope I haven't put you off, I think it's a really brave thing to do. I guess it's a bit like me going in for results day - once you're there it's ok.

Anyway, I'm waffling. Your poem is lovely Caz, are you finding it helpful to write?

Off to bed soon, I'm shattered x

Morning ladies.

Minione You were so brave going to school for the results. It was obviously so difficult for you but you have made that great step. Malachy will be so proud of you.

caz you poems are so beautiful.You will find rainbows again one day.

lf so glad you scan went well. Hope you have a more peaceful day today.

sassy hope you are as well as you can be. xx

caz,im sat here just amazed at your poem,its so lovely, and meaningful.
when i went to work the other day ,i saw a rainbow and commented to dh on it, and how you never see them any more,his reply ,you have to leave house to see them.
i hope you are all ok,its nearly september, been and got the grandkids few bits for school,then had wonderful time in bath with crazy soap foam,i cant remember laughing so much with them,even if i get bit of guilt,iykwim.
i came home yesterday morning from work,dh looked more knackered than me and i had just done 12 hour shift, but he hadnt slept,dd1 had rung him in hysterics ,she was home alone,as her dp had gone out and she had gone to move her dd3 out of her bed into her own, when something grabbed her arm, she turned round thinking dd1 or dd2, had got out of bed, they hadnt , she was hysterical, dh said he hadnt seen her like that since her son died, even her dog was going crazy, but none of the little girls woke up,dh said i was checking all four of them ok,not one awake, even the baby just slept one downstairs, but poor love was too scared to go back to bed, has anyone else had strange goings on, just cant explain this,

Thank you ladies,

I'm find it v helpful to write - I think it does me good. I'd been very low for a week and I think yesterday it came to a head; I didn't bother getting dressed, I kept the world shut out and wrote a poem. I think this one particularly describes how it is, because it does feel as if everything is very grey now.

Today I feel brighter - I think by writing I got it out of my system for a little bit.

I've also noticed that the longer I try and fight the low times the longer they go on for. I needed that completely self-indulgent day yesterday and feel better for it today.

hazy - I don't quite know what to say. Your poor DD. That must've been very frightening for her. I hate being alone at night, always have done way before Belle died. I'm scared of the dark - its so easy for your mind to play tricks on you in the dark. I don't know how to explain it either...

Going in next door in half hour or so. Wish me luck...

good luck caz,we are all holding your handxx

Caz , how did you get on this afternoon ? I have been thinking of you xx