In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Evening ladies...

Sad but warm welcome Sarabeth - I hope you are able to find some support and comfort here. I'm so sorry about your precious baby boy Griffin. My baby girl Anabelle, was also born sleeping - on the 21st June 2010. I was 32 weeks, and had been told 5 days earlier she'd become an angel. It'll be 2 months on Saturday and its not getting any easier. We don't know why, we didn't have a PM but our blood and placenta results are in this Thursday.

I'm also really sorry to hear about your in-laws. I know exactly how you feel after a lot of problems and zero support from my FIL. Lots of hugs to you.

Minione - will be thinking of you tomorrow, I wish you peace for Malachy's due date and strength for your hospital appointment.

Sassy - I think I'll probably give that church another go. Maybe a couple more Sunday's and see if my impression changes, if not maybe I'll try a new one, or maybe I'll try a new one anyway ...

Last night I went to Plymouth with my SIL to be. Mum came too. We took her home, stayed overnight and today we've looked at wedding venues. Its been a nice day, its been lovely to be included, but I've spent most of it on the verge of tears. Very weepy today, very angry. Desperately want my daughter.

Hating my post-baby body - isn't that awful? The flabbiness is all I've really got left of pregnancy evidence, yet I wish my tummy was firmer again. I know I could probably work at it - but I just know if Belle was here I wouldn't care how I looked.... In reality I'm smaller than I was before I got pregnant - weight wise at least - but I seem to be bigger. Everything is just different, boobs, tummy - and of course it should be, I grew and gave birth to a baby. I'm just struggling with it because I don't have my baby... I'm not making sense (again!)

I'm so up and down at the moment. One extreme to the other day by day... I would like to be on some middle ground, and just be 'ok'.

Oh my word my dear friends....new friends on our special thread makes me feel so anxious. I hope you dont think I am being horrible. I read the words you put and just think - THANK GOD IM STILL SURVIVING!! There is nothing worse than early grief - nothing on this planet can make it feel any better. All these precious children taken too soon.

Im glad we have all found each other....when I read the 'early words' in your posts it drags me back in time. I hope that we can all help each other survive...In fact I KNOW we can help each other xxxx

Morning girls xx

minione thinking of you today and hope the doctors are more sensitive than your doctor

sarabeth I'm so sorry you have lost your precious baby Griffin, there are no words but you will find some comfort and support here, no-one can understand unless they have experienced a loss. Hope your family sort themselves out and start supporting you instead of thinking of themselves. xx

sassy it isn't fair Catherine should have been there. I think it gets harder at the moment watching life go on for the rest of the world and being stuck in this place.

Had a phone call from Richard's boss last night 'are you doing all right now?', what the hell do you say? I just rambled. Then she went on to tell me about how excited she was about her family's upcoming trip to America. Then, 'you must come to see us, have a meal', how can we go to the place where our dead son was the head chef? I would not wish this pain on anyone but sometimes I wish I could put people in this place just for a few minutes then they may 'get it'. I know that is completely bitchy and evil but that is how I feel at the moment. Also I may rip the phone out!!

The children are having a great time, it is a great comnfort to have them here.

Ranting again but I can only do it here.

shabs now I will breathe and pull my self together before they wake up.

Morning

Love and strength to Minione today - I'll be thinking of you and will light a candle for Malachy this evening when I get home. x x x

Morning all xx

Thinking of you today Minione

Post-baby body makes sense to me Caz I've carried to 41 plus 5 , given birth and breastfed for nearly 4 years... my body is ahemm.. different. I didn't really care that much when Catherine was alive - and tbh, don't care that much now either - but I do look at myself and think - I have a mother's body and I have no child. I have no child. Where is my child?

Have been thinking back to when Catherine first died, and people were sending sympathy. Just wondered if these observations chimed with anyone else.

I have a photographic memory, and couldn't help but notice that individuals repeated the same phrase in every sympathy expression they offered - so they would use the same words and phrases to you in person, write them in the sympathy card, and then again in the pew card at the funeral. I assume it is becasue people found it difficult to know what to say - thought about it, and then re-used the line... very economical...

Another thing I noticed is that folks would often speak almost exclusively about the effect my daugther's death had on them. So people would want to tell me (sometimes 3 times) that they cried when they found out, or had to take a day off work. I always found these statements a bit odd. They were clearly effected by her death, but what was I suppose to say. "You cried - how awful - did you miss Eastenders? I hope you feel better now".

Maybe I'm being unfair - but it did a feel a bit like going up to a fellow victim of a coach crash who had lost both legs, and saying "yes, how awful - I scratched my knee too - look it's quite nasty".

Last observation, how people would sign sympathy cards with the names of everyone in their family - DHs I had never met, newborns etc. I always found this odd and distressing - their newborn baby obviously didn't extend sympathy on my dd's death - and it just seemed to exenuate the completeness of other families when mine had been shattered.

Thinking about you today Mini - will light my candle for your darling little man xxxx

I hope today is......and, once again, Im lost for the right word. Once again, there isin't a right word.

Sending our love and thoughts to you xxxx

Will light my candle for Malachy later, Mini. I hope today passes as easily as it can for you x

minione... I have been at "that" meeting.. its gonna be hard going expecially as this is yourdue date.. I am sending you strength to get through today

Hi Sarabeth..as we always say on here we are sorry you have to be here but glad you came to join us

Its the start of a whole new chapter for us this morning..we have just dropped Ross at school. He was mega excited and happy.. he was so hyper we walked him there.. almost a mile! I was nearly home before I cried..

I will go visit Fraser's garden this afternoon..

Well done FM - Im so glad he was excited - give him a big hug from me when he gets home please. Yes it is a whole new adventure for all of you.

Fraser must be so proud of you. He will have walked that mile to school at the side of you with a big smile on his face. xxxxxxx

Thanks everyone, it means so much to know people are thinking of Malachy. In Rl have had a text from one friend saying she is thinking of me. Again, she is a friend with no children. I guess people forget and move on.

I found it hard to sleep last night, kept waking up and 'half sleeping', a bit like if you have a big event the next day and have to get up early.

Caz - I know exactly what you mean and I feel so shallow for feeling like this. If Malachy was here I'm sure I wouldn't be as bothered but I just want my old body back. I had issues with food as a teen; I was about 7 and half stone at 14, thought I was fat and became a bit obsessed. At university i started cooking and now adore food and love cooking but those insecurites never completely went away. Now I'm the fattest I've ever been and I hate it. My mum hasn't exactly been supportive, asking me if I've weighed myself!? I just look at my flabby belly and it reminds me of Malachy not being here, it's like another kick in the teeth and I feel so selfish for thinking like this.

Mini - you are not selfish in any way. xxx

oh shabs .. you made me cry.. thats a really lovely thing to say

For all those of us thinking I have a body of a mum but no child...

I Am A Mother

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.

The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

• Author Unknown -

Thinking about you today Mini - hope your appointment is as ok as it can be xx

FM - have been thinking lots about you this week. how did Ross get on today? The lonely walk home is the bit i struggle with - i should have a wee hand in mine. Am sure Fraser was with you every step of the way xx

our schools are back tomorrow... would have been gregor's first day at school nursery tomorrow. i didn't think it'd affected me too much however i know it's creeping away at the back of my mind... have been out all day today with a good friend and her boys making the most of the last day of the hols... looking fwd to getting tomorrow over with.

Happy holidays Shabs - don't know if you're away yet or not?? xxx

Thanks PPM - we have to be at Manchester Airport for 5.30am tomorrow!

Good God Shabbs - that's sparrowfart!! Hope you have a fantasticly wonderful time, you so deserve it

Candle lit here for Malachy.

ross went to school really happilly ppm.

He just went in picked up an activity and said see you later that was it... I was soo proud of him

I have been a bit emotional all week but tonight I just feel really odd. I have one happy schoolboy which makes me happy and proud and yet my other son is missing

I confess to be looking for answers to this disparity (is this the right word?) at the bottom of a bottle

I know Gregor will be on the school run with you tomorrow the same say Fraser was with us today

Have a lovely holiday shabster.. and we are hoping no strikes at the airport

Oh FM, C'mere, have a cwtch.

It doesn't get easier, does it?

Minione - how did your appointment go today? x x x

Thanks ladies - you're sooo right Dee this doesn't get any easier - in just 24 hours i've felt myself sink. I just want tomorrow to be over. I can truly say i've enjoyed the summer holidays but right now at this moment I cannot bear the thought of walking into that playground tomorrow without gregor

{{{PPM}}} You can do it. You are very strong, and I don't doubt it for a moment.

The first time you walk in will feel rotten but you will have done it. I will be thinking about you in the morning and dont forget - 'One foot in front of the other, and dont forget to breathe.' xxxxxxxxx

ppm sending hugs,will be thinking of you tomorrow. xx

shabs happy holidays, have fun xx

Such a hard week for all you Scottish mums, thinking of you all xx

I hope you got some sort of answer today Minione. My thoughts are with you, your dh and Malachy.

Well done for getting through today FM. Such a bittersweet day for you.

You can do it PPM, we'll be holding your hand through this.

Have a fab holiday Shabs, we'll miss you

Thanks my lovely lovely friends - I know i'll feel better once i get it over with tomorrow. Will think about you boarding your plane to your lovely friends shabs and that'll give me something positive to think about LOL!