In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Thinking about Ciaran and his Daddy tonight - have lit my candle for them. xx

Thanks Sassy x

Thinking about you Dee....OMG my head is so far up my bum.....xxxxxxxxxx

Morning girls xx

Morning folks x

morning girlsx

Quiet here today xx

Had 2 dreams last night - still thinking about them now...

First - I had Catherine with me, and someone handed me a baby. It was mine. I asked was it dead, or going to die, and I got told "no - it was fine" However I had to look after it. It was sleeping, so I put it on the floor and cuddled Catherine under a blanket - we used to retreat under a blanket and watch tv and eat chocolate on ocassion

Anyway - it came to me that Catherine hadn't died, it was all a mistake, and she was with me forever. I remember thinking, oh yeah - maybe I ought to give her a huge cuddle in case this is a dream, and this is all I have. But I was told not to worry - she hadn't died.

When I woke up I was confused, and had to remember she had died again..

Dream 2 - I was walking back to my childhood home - parents don't live there any more. I was carrying a new born baby. I got to the local park and went in to take a short cut. In the little wooden shelter, where I would often sit as a child, I stopped. My mother was there talking to a woman, who I didn't know. The woman asked if Catherine (who was dead in this dream) had many toys.

My mother said she did. I was fine with this - it's true. Then my mother said Catherine was very spolit and always demanding toys everytime she went into a toy shop. I was angry with her - mostly because she didn't have a clue how Catherine was - as she had never been in a toy shop with her. She was just making it up. (My mum was always a bit disinterested in us and DD, but if asked questions by others would often make up random answers - it has always driven me mad)

I was so angry, I physically attacked my mother (who is 81!) and tried to push her over on to the grass. But I was hampered because I was trying to keep the newborn I was carrying out of the way, and for some reason my mother was really strong.

How weird is all that - I've never attacked anyone in rl btw, so I presume it was some sort of metaphor. At least it is an improvemetn on the dream the other day, where we all died!

The whole dream thing can be difficult. Sometimes they're a comfort, or haunting, or confusing.

I think I've only dreamt about Cole about 3 times since he died, and he's always a shadowy figure who is there, but not quite there - iyswim. I would like to dream about him more. Saying that, maybe I do but I rarely remember my dreams.

I have heard that a friend of mine's little girl has had an accident and has been very poorly, but is getting better everyday (thank God).

Apart from worrying about her, it's been very strange and a bit Groundhog Day as she is in the same hospital that Cole was treated in - and it's not our local hospital which makes it such a strange coincidence.

To think that they are paceing the same corridors that we did and that their dd may be cared for by the same nurses is really disconcerning - and I don't really know why that is.

I think it's only when things like this happen that I realise how traumatic it was for us all at that hospital. I mostly concentrate on my grief and missing C, but then something like this triggers lots of memories - most of them pretty horrendous.

Then because this should be about my friend and her dd I feel guilty for being upset for me as well as them.

Gah ..................

I'm well aware I'm not making much sense ...

Dreams are wierd - I'm sure Shab's art therapist would say the first one means I miss Catherine, and the second one means I am angry with my mother.

Ilike it's hardly surprising it is triggering memories. We've been through something so traumatic. I wouldn't feel guilty for being upset for yourself as well as them. Your child died - their child will (hopefully) get better. No wonder you are upset - normal, I think.

Oh god tomorrow is the end of an era. .. Its Ross's last day at nursery tomorrow ..before heading to school on Tuesday

I guess like all mums I dont want him to grow up but at the same time I feel really bad for thinking that because Fraser never got to grow up

I am painfully aware of "be careful what you wish for" because 6 years ago I wished my pregnancy was over because I felt miserable and look what happened

I am quite teary tonight..

hardly surprising you're feeling teary FM - the feeling of a child starting school is ovewhelmingly strange on it's own let alone adding in the conflicts of emotions of our little ones who will never go there hang on in there - all WILL be well x

Oh darling - a big day tomorrow - think its a big day for all mums, but when we have lost a precious child it seems so overwhelming. Your little man is growing up - scary and wonderful all at the same time.

Will be walking by your side (in spirit) tomorrow my friend - and yes 'ALL WILL BE WELL.' xxxxx

Hugs to you FM - wishing you lots of strength and peace tomorrow.

I've also been teary tonight. Earlier today I had a conversation with my Mum and said that it was about time Belle's things that are clogging up their house after being delivered there came down to our house and was put in her room.

We agreed they would come down in the cover of darkness so that the neighbours wouldn't see too much. (Don't know why I care but I do...) So tonight the bought down the pram and the car seat, but the neighbours with the new baby would have to be out smoking as they arrived wouldn't that, they would just have too. So now we look like complete loons bringing home baby stuff for a dead baby. :( God only knows what they are thinking. and why do I care? It was so very hard bringing my beautiful pram into this house, and there is still the cot and her bedroom furniture to come. I'm so tired of this pain now. I want my baby so badly.

My throat hurts from where the lump has been all night. I'm just feeling so sad. My happiness of last night was so fleeting, and now I just feel low and empty again.

I'm posting so late because me and DH have been up Belle's mountain tonight. To sit and watch the shooting stars. The night sky was stunning from up there and I felt close to her, my pretty twinkling star. I just miss her so so much. I only had her for such a short time... :( Its just not fair.

Morning girls xx

Oh Caz - your words say it all. Grief is a physical and emotional pain that is so hard to bear. After Gareth died, and within a few hours, I remember going upstairs to the twins bedroom. I sat on the floor and looked at the matching cots. I took apart Gareths cot, piece by piece and put it all back in the box....we had only just put the cot together. They loved to sleep in the same cot. I remember thinking 'its because I put him in his own cot. He missed his brother too much.'

It does feel 'too hard' at first. Its a utterly hopeless feeling. Its a one step forward, two steps back kind of feeling. We are all here for you my love xx

Read that and found it hugely depressing. Surely starting school should be exciting and wonderful and full of potential for fund and laughter?

Catherine should have been starting her final year of preschool next week. She loved preschool so much that I could use it as a bargaining tool. "Eat your lunch or we'll be late for school", and she would, and scoot all the way - desperate to get there.

Last night, I kept putting people on ignore on my facebook newsfeed, as half of them are starting school. And Catherine won't be. Ever. And actually, there's a fairly good to even chance that I'll never be taking any child of mine to start preschool or school ever again.

I think Gregor should have been starting preschool as well now too - March Birthdays would be phasing in here from now throught o September - not sure if I've got that right for your area PPM?

Sorry that sounds so glum. Everything is too difficult. Catherine died 4 months ago today, and I just miss her so completely.

You go through the motions - make polite small talk with your neighbours and friends - most of whom have young children. "Did you have a lovely summer holiday" "Is blah sleeping through - how lovey". None of which interests me much anymore - I have no applicable children who might enjoy CentreParcs or camping in Cornwall. Then people ask you how you are, and you provide the most superficial of answers, - because they probably don't want to know and couldn't really take it in anyway, while they deal with a clamouring toddler.

Was speaking about inscriptions on the headstone to another Mum at the graveyard last night. She wants something simple and a verse. I can't think - but as I was walking back down, it suddenly flipped into my mind "Together Again" would be quite good. I think I would just like to lay down and die. That's about the most comforting thought I have.

Sassy Im sure I speak for all the other Mums on our thread - YOU ARE NOT GIVING UP ON ANYTHING - DO YOU HEAR ME LADY JANE? Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. YOU CAN DO THIS - please believe me when I say we can all 'GET THERE' wherever the hell 'THERE' is......xxxxx

I was sent this video a few months ago when I was really struggling to 'get there'. I have watched it thousands of times and still cry. It is truly inspirational.

I think it shows the strength of a parent. The young man on it, who has been helped by his Dad, has not died. He is physically handicapped, so his story is a little different to our stories. BUT I know we all have the Dads strength in us to carry on walking this crappy path together. Whenever I watch the video it reminds me that I CAN DO THIS....I CAN AND WILL DO THIS xxxx

Morning all,

Sassy - I just want to descend on you and give you a huge hug so consider yourself virtually hugged and know that many of us here are holding your hand and walking with you today to help you somehow, no words will help you today i think but reassurance that what you are feeling is normal and the intense pain you feel replicates the love you have for your lovely catherine in equal measures - she is one truly loved little girl. xx

Gregor would have been starting his anti-preschool year at nursery next week - there's only 10 of them in a class and it's mixed between 3 and 4 year olds - sadly i know most of them and the parents cos we live in such a small village - would it be easier if i felt anonymous in the playground - who knows? I have no idea how i am going to feel next week when i see all his wee friends wandering into the nursery (it's in the school ds1 goes to) - will cross that bridge when i have to i guess.

FM - how you doing today?

I dropped Ross off for the last time this morning .. there were a few teary mums which just sent me over the edge.. I cried all the way to the train station in my car.. guess I was lucky I didnt crash as I sure as hell wasnt concentrating

I got to the office and said .. I've just dropped Ross off for the last time I feel quite emotional. All the people I said this to know my story and yet they laughed at me

Only one person has picked up on the fact that this is hard for me...

I feel really stupid for getting upset about Ross leaving Nursery.,.. It sounds mad when I say it out loud esp when so many of you are struggling with very new very raw grief

Oh god Cazem

stupid question ...did you want to bring the pram etc to your house??

It must have been heartbreaking especially as you are now so close to your due date and should have been making final preparations for the big arrival

When I lost Fraser I stuffed everything into what was going to be his room and shut the door .. didnt go in for days

Sassy I wish I could put my arms round you and hug you

I wish you could believe me when I say one day you will smile again. Not possible right now I know

Try not to think too far ahead sassy - you will drive yourself nuts.. for no concentrate on getting through hour by hour.

we have all been where you are now.. so come on gives your hand .. let us help you up and make your first baby steps along the road

take care

sassy All I can say is that you are in my thoughts and send my love. I cannot put myself in your place as my situation is so different. Hope you find a little peace soon. I know you don't think so but you have been an inspiration to me xx

Oh gosh ppm - yes, I need a hug - wish you and Shabs lived next door - either side? If there any chance you two would be prepared to move? It's a nice neighbourhood honest...

anti-preschool... does that mean he would have started school next year - sorry for being dumb.... If so, he'd be starting with Catherine. I have 3 immediate neighbours with children the same age as Catherine. The school is a pretty big one with 2 P1 classes - so the village is knee deep in children we know. I'm not sure what is easier - other than having our children back... then none of it would bother me.

DH has started going to a new (very High) church in the centre of town. Our church (Church of Scotland) has a rule that you don't pray for or mention people once they are dead - which I find sort of rational - (she's fine) - but also impossible - because I want people to remember her and say her name and that comforts me, and their approach makes me feel like everyone has forgotten her.

Anyway, priest offered to add Catherine to the remembrances for today - so (please be proud of me), I

• dressed up smartly (first time since the funeral) and
• braved the centre of town and the horrible festival.

Very high church - much like a Catholic mass, and took communion - I wept a bit when they read her name out - but it was actually strangely comforting that a group of people who had never met Catherine were prepared to pray for and thought that she was important. Afterwards we went and lit a candle for her.

Town is full of happy people with 4 year olds queing for festival tickets at the half price hut. We should be there too.

Oophs - didn't refresh the browser - so xposts with FM and Lavandes...

(wanders away briefly wondering how she was an inspiration to Lavandes) Me... aww thanks... I need you here too...

FM I just don't think people get it. It must obviously be beyond them, as I don't think people are intentionally cruel.

One of my friends were desperate to tell me about a lovely girl moment she'd enjoyed with her 4 year old DD the other day... I mean, my DD had died less than 3 months ago - with the best will in the world, how did she expect me to be delighted for her?

I read a book last week, where the bereaved mums circles started to refer to non-bereaved parents as "civilians". We didnt' enlist - but I do feel like we've been in a war - and we have experiences that just set us apart. So many other people will never understand xx

sassy I think you are an inspiration (maybe the wrong word but you know what I mean) beacause after losing your only precious child you find the strength to be kind to others, you talk to the other mums at the cemetery, many would not do this, you took the trouble to lay flowers for the little girl, you laid flowers for the children who were murdered. Most of all you manage to get up in the morning, you have survived all these endless days. I am lucky I have another son and a grandson, that does not mean I am not in great pain and turmoil but I do have them to carry on for. I think that you are a strong woman and you will survive. Lets have a Gloria Gaynor moment!! xx