In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Another nugget from this book I'm reading - one of the contributors wrote: "anger is my drug of choice". I really relate to that. I feel so angry at the moment. I think it helps insulate me from the pain, but I also worry that it sending me mad - and I'm turning into a miserable, unreasonable old bat.

PPM Glad you had a good time - I've always fancied Scandivnavia. Happy B'day to DS1 - did DH cope ok without you?

G'mornin folks x

Morning x x

Have that panicky feeling in my chest again this morning. This is becoming far to regular now.... DH is on full days in work now so won't be home till 6 - that feels like an eternity away.

The only thing to break up the day is a trip into town to get out the money my parents have given us to give back to FIL. DH wants to throw cash in his face.... Not even I agree this is the healthiest thing to do, I'd rather post it through the letter box and then forget about him, but I do agree it needs to be given in cash, I'm not having a cheque being held over us while he banks it in his time.

Will have to keep myself busy I think - I'll get up in a mo, shower, dress, town and then come back and do a pile of ironing for the afternoon.... ahh I hate this feeling, it just keeps building up and up and up.

Sassy - you really do not come across as unreasonable. You seem really level headed to me with logical feelings - you always express yourself really well. But I know what you mean - I often find myself thinking the grief and pain is turning me into a loon... Try and enjoy your massage, remember your advice of doing nice things for ourselves everyday! :)

Have a peaceful day all x x x

Oh God - I've just realised, I've not been into town on my own yet. Oh shit...

Caz It sounds like anxiety pains. I got those quite a bit when Catherine first died, but they have subsided now. Going into town on your own to draw cash to pay for your daughter's grave mightn't be the kindest thing for you to do today! What about going to the local library and trying to find something to read or going for a walk?

Are you sure your FIL really wants the money back? Perhaps he just said it in the heat of the moment? Perhaps it would take some of the heat out of the situation if you just ignored it for a few weeks instead, unless he specifically asks for it.

Having an extradorinarily low day today. Had a strange idea to do Catherine's ironing - the pile in her wardroble - hadn't got round to doing it while she was alive, because you're obviously juggling with a sick child and you get behind... Went up and had a look and her washing smells of fabric conditioner, and her clothes are so small - I suppose you get used to touching adult sized clothes. Had a huge sob - don't think it woudl be healthy for me to iron them.

The house is so full of her.

There are pony shaped cookie cutters in the kitchen drawer, and her spatula for making cakes.
There is a swimming timetable on the fridge.
There is a stray paintbrush in the pot by the sink.
Top dining room drawer - one of those cheapie sticker books that I bought in poundland for the next plane journey.
Cook book shelf - a birthday cake book and Real food for kids and healthy eating flashcards..
A badge we picked up on a farm visit.
Bureau - pink princess thank you cards and party invitations - a stash of cheap b'day cards for ASDA for the parties she won't be invited to now.
Cupboard - tinkerbelle xmas crackers bought in the January sale. Big pot of white glue that doesn't fit in her art drawer.
facepaints - kept out of reach!
Paper cake cases and hundreds and thousands in the kitchen cupboard
Minnie Mouse rubber in the hall drawer.

It's not so much the big things - I am sort of prepared when I open the toy cupboard or the art drawer or look in her wendy house or go in her room.. It's the other things - the everywhere things.

The thing is Sassy - neither of us want the money anymore. Its tainted now. I can't live forever knowing he put money towards my daughters grave and then behaved so cruelly towards DH after it. There's been no need for any of it - but he saw fit to open his mouth after the funeral, and make it worse by saying nasty disgusting things to DH on Sunday. I want her grave to be paid for in love, so whether he really meant it or not, he's having it back. I know what you mean about taking heat out of the situation, but I really feel things have already gone too far now anyway.

I just don't understand him at all - my parents would never in a million years behave like this, all they've wanted to do it wrap us up in cotton wool for the last 7 weeks, I just don't understand why FIL doesn't want to try and protect his son - DH on the other hand isn't the least bit surprised - this isn't the first time his father has hurt him badly. When me and DH first got together they had just started seeing eachother again and building bridges after 4 years apart. Only that time he'd refused to have anything to do with him for so long because his father had tried to hit him. That's bad enough in my opinion - but this is worse. I know I'll never forgive him, He's just a horrible horrible man, I just feel so sad for DH. #sigh#

Sending you hugs Sassy - I'm sorry you are having such a low day. I can't imagine how hard it is for you having those everywhere reminders - the reminders we have are the ones we've chosen to put around the house, everything else was easily hidden away in Belle's room and door shut - she'd never lived here outside of me so there was nothing she's used yet.

Right meeting Mum for lunch in town (she went back to work today after 8 weeks off for a foot op, thank God she only works 2 days a week - I know how selfish that sounds, but if Jon has to be in work I need my mother...) Feeling a little less panicky about it now Mum will be in town too... I also know I need to get over this at some point and venture our soley by myself... Its just too scary right now.

Welcome back PPM and Happy Birthday to ds

I have to say Caz, I would do the same as you with the FIL situation. I would not want to be beholden or owe a man like that a single thing. Because if you do it will be thrown back in your face at some point - as you have learnt. Blood is not thicker than water. That is shite imo. Love is love, whether that person be family or a friend.

{{{Sassy}}} - the little things that remind us of our dc are defo the hardest.

There are recognised stages of grief and anger is one of them. It's normal.

I must be at the angry stage then.

Do sympathise with the fil situation - though it becomes clearer how it's arising if FIL/DH's relationship has already beens strained. My mother has always been distant, ever since we were children - and she is a waste of space now. After our strained conversation screaming argument last Thursday, she has never phoned me back... actually, I don't think she has phoned me for several months...

Even though I have lots of experience of her behaving like this though - I still can't quite believe it... and every so often I phone her and we another big row. Hopefully your DH is better able to compartmentalise!

welcome back ppm glad your trip went will. Happy birthday to you ds.

hope you all have a more peaceful day tomorrow.

Had a very upsetting talk to my grandsons' mother. Her and Richard had parted but they remained such good friends. We had bit of 'bad history' because of some things she did in the past which affected us, but I honestly had no idea of the pain she is in as every time we speak she seemed so strong. Anyway the boys are coming to stay on Friday for a week and I have invited her to stay for a few days if she chooses to.

I think we must clear the air and put any differences away for ever. I want to help her I have told her that we are all in this together. I cannot find it in my heart to ignore her feelings. I know that Richard would want us to help her and be kind to her.
Wish me luck, we have the children in common aand she will not be much use to them in the state she is in now.

I think now is the time to forgive and forget

A post on SANDS has really struck a cord with me. I look at myself now and I don't know who I am anymore..

I'm a shadow of my former self. All the confidence I once had has gone. If we have to walk into a room now, Jon has to walk in first - I can't do it. I feel like I have a flashing sign above my head saying "Its her, the one who's baby is dead". I feel safer at home, but at the same time staying at home all time makes everything so much heavier. I only see people who I pick and choose now, people who make me feel safe. I'm definately suffereing with anxiety, the panick rising in my chest all of the time. I feel an absolute mess in all honesty - my skin is grey and the sparkle has gone. I look at photos from our wedding last year, photos from when I was pregnant - I look so happy, so much sparkle in my eyes. I've only had a few photos taken since Belle died, forced into them - my cousins wedding, MILS hen night (the wedding in two weeks I'm dreading - Belle was supposed to be our beautiful newborn there), and these photos - I don't look like me. Not the me I used to know. The forced smile. Smiling is so much effort.

Ladies, can I join you ?
Haven't had time to read the whole thread.
It'll be 5 yrs next week since our newborn daughter Bethan died

Its lovely to be in the company of people who understand loss.

Hi FourLittleDucks, i'm so sorry to hear about Bethan, but glad you managed to find your way here.

There are lots of ladies walking this path, some just starting out, others further down. It'll be six years next month since my firstborn twin son died.

Welcome FourLittleDucks I'm so sorry about your little girl Bethan and that you also had to find yourself here. This is a very welcoming thread - nothing is taboo, no-one is judgemental. I find it a lovely place where I can be very honest, recieve good advice and comfort.

My precious Anabelle was born sleeping on 21st June 2010, at just 32 weeks grown. We were told in a scan 5 days before than her heart had stopped beating. Belle is my first baby. Its been 7 weeks since she was born now and its all shit quite frankly. I'm feeling very low.

I hope you find comfort here too...

Welcome 4littleducks - you will find understanding and support here. So sad to hear about the loss of your precious Bethan.

Im quite a way down this horrible road. Its 28 years since one of my twin boys, Gareth, died (7 months) and 18 years since my DS3, Matt, (7 years) died following a RTA.

Grief changes over the years - somehow it becomes softer around the edges BUT quite often it bites me so very hard on the arse bum!!! xxx

hello fourlittleducks (love the nickname) you will find such comfort and support here, as I have xx

Welcome fourlittleducks Have a seen you around on MN? Your name seems familiar.

Please feel welcome here and chat about Bethan whenever you want to.

I lost my ds Cole nearly three years ago after an unexpected illness.

Nobody understands me like the ladies on here do.

Meant to say that you're doing a wonderful thing Lavandes. You will never regret trying to build bridges, but you will always regret never trying.

welcome fourlittleducks - sorry to hear about Bethan. My son died very suddenly aged 2 from an overwhelming virus in March last year.

Caz your post regarding anxiety really struck a chord with me - the ladies who have been here a little longer will remember my anxiety struggles about all sorts of things... work, supermarkets, walking into gatherings, going to a friends house in the evening just in case there were unexpected people there, etc, the list just goes on and on. It is a very normal part of grief and recognising what it is when it occurs is how i have learned to deal with it and in the majority of time overcome it. I now treat it like a familiar friend and it appears less threatening than before. None of us will ever be the same again following the loss of a child but many here will show you there is a life to be lived once the real raw grief softens around the edges (as shabs has often said!) In the last few weeks many friends have said to me they have seen glimpses of the old PPM returning now and then so i think i'm making progress of sorts but just be assured that the anxiety is normal and you will learn to cope with it in your life somehow. I hope this makes a bit of sense and doesn't sound preachy as its not meant to, hugs xx

Welcome Fourlittleducks, so sorry to hear about Bethan. This thread and the ladies on here have been a tremendous help since my baby Malachy was born sleeping at 30 weeks on the 12th June. It's a place where I can vent and share my pain with people who understand.

Caz, I know what you mean about not being the same person. I can't bear to look at my wedding photos, I was so happy and full of hope. It's A level results next week, I want to go into college to see my students before they go off to uni but I'm not sure if they all know about Malachy. I'm terrified of going in and one of them asking if I've had the baby.

I completely broke down at the cemetery yesterday, Dh just sat there as I cried and cried. I'm dreading going back to work but he thinks it will be better than me staying at home. I agree with him but it doesn't make it any easier. I should be 39 weeks pregnant today and it hurts so much. The past 9 months feel almost like a dream, so much hope and promise then suddenly nothing.

Morning girls xx

Morning girl

I havent been around as Ross has found the joys of playing with the kids in the street.. and dragging them on for juice, ice lollies, crips and apples...arrgh.. why cant he just stay in and paint with me

Hi there fourducks.. my 1st littel boy was stillborn 6 years ago (God I cant believe it was that long ago) and now my little one is off to school on Tuesday SIGH

Do you want to tell us what happened to Bethan ? Its ok if you dont want to

Good to see you FM.....Oh the amazing 'playing out' - I dont think kids do enough of that nowadays. Because the weather has been so awful here my lot have been 'playing in' - picture the scene!!

Tom: (13 years old) OK Lew should I teach you how to play Hide and Seek?

Lew: (2 years old) Es Peese Tommy.

Tom: You stand there and count from 1 to 10 then you shout 'Coming ready or not' OK?

Lew: Es Tommy ONE 'TO' TEN..Umming eddy or not!!

Tom: No Lew you have to say ONE, TWO, THREE.......

Lew: TWO, FREE, TWO Umming eddy or not!!!!!

Oh yes and this goes on for 6 hours...punctuated with 'Anma me dun a poo' 'Anma music on please' 'Anma umming eddy or not.'

Evening ladies - I'm actually feeling happy tonight. My little brother proposed to his girlfriend today and she said yes. I'm so super happy about it, she is perfect for him and I love them both so much. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have as my SIL.

Also Angel Bears clothes arrived today, beautiful - and covered in white roses. This wasn't in the item description, so wasn't expecting it. I think its another sign from Belle... White Roses was the theme of our wedding and are a beautiful memory for us. White Rose is our flower.

Just deciding what to do for tea tonight. Was going to have a roast beef dinner, but the joint isnt fully defrosted so will have to wait until tomorrow...

Oh Caz glad you are feeling ok...sounds like your brother and his girlfriend make a lovely couple

I love those bears - white roses - they are very beautiful flowers.

My 'link' with my sons are yellow roses and sunflowers...they pop up everywhere at the most un-expected moments. xxxx

Strangely, DH and i had yellow roses as our flowers, and i always take them up to his and Ciarans grave. Did today actually.