In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

A candle lit here in Leicestershire for your darling son, Lavandes. My thoughts are with you and your family x

Caz, I'm glad you were able to do some special things yesterday xx

I think it doesn't matter what age your child is when they die, it's heartbreaking, awful and shit regardless. Tbh I can't put it into words, there are no words. Thinking of us all today x

Thanks for all your kind words.

We went for a walk on the cliffs at Fistral in Newquay. It was a beautiful morning. So glad we did that as Richard loved the sea. I felt that we took him with us as he is in our hearts. On the way back we played Kasabian, memories of the concert we went to together.

We will raise a glass to him at dinner tonight.

Difficult day but not as bad as the run up to it, as you have told me. We have survived the first missed milestone!

Hope everyone has had a peaceful day.xx

Sounds like a very fitting tribute to your lad Lavendes.

The actual day is never as bad as the build up to it xxx

Sounds like a great way to remember Richard

Ladies, I'm so and

Do you remember all the nonsense with my FIL about real bloody grandparents? Well 6 weeks have gone by now and not once has FIL rung DH to find out how he doing, he hasn't been to see us - he just can't care, and tonight has proved it.

I forgot to mention yesterday that after we'd been with Belle we also visited my Grandads grave as he's buried a bit further down the hill. On our way out of the cemetery we saw FIL ans S-MIL stood by Belle's grave... we were annoyed. But wasn't going to waste energy on it yesterday. How dare they go and stand by her side when they haven't been standing by ours, but especially DH's.

Today we've been to see Belle again, and they'd left a big ugly black flower pot there - after I'd spent time making it pretty yesterday. But it wasn't really the horrible pot I was angry about - its the fact they'd been there at all. People may think I sound terrible for this and what I'm about to say, but I've removed the pot, I don't want other people making changes to my baby's grave, especially them. I don't want them anywhere near her - they've no right to be there if they can't be a support to us.

I know I'm being probably over precious about her grave at the moment, I love people laying flowers, really I do, I've no issue with flowers - I think the acknoledgment and gesture is very kind - but I just want people running more permanent type changes by us. We want it to be perfect up there for her - We want to be the ones who put the permanent things like flower pots in place. Like we did yesterday with her pretty cream stone pot.

So DH has been really brave this afternoon and went to see his father again - asked him where he's been for the last 5/6 weeks, asked him why he thinks its ok to go to Belle's grave if he can't be there for us ? and his Dad, again instead of being any sort of support was horrible to him. Went on AGAIN about blood thicker than water, being the real granddad and all that childish nonsense again.

Although he had nothing to say when DH said he was therefore doing his own wife a disservice by implying she had no right to be a grandparent either. As far as we?ve been concerned of course step dad, and step mum are as much Belle?s grandparents as everyone else. How could we bring our baby or any future babies up in a family with inequality?

Icing on the cake though was asking for the money back he gave us to contribute towards the cost of Belle?s grave. (We just didn't have that sort of money so our DH Mum and Dad both gave money towards grave, and my parents are helping towards headstone when time comes - I hate that we can't afford these things ourselves, but my parents understand the my need for her headstone to be perfect when the time comes so said they will help us have exactly what we want for her.)

After the first upset just after Belle?s funeral, DH asked his Dad if the money was being given in love or if it would be used as a weapon or held over us down the line. His Dad assured it was given in love for Belle, so dispite my misgivings after all the upset we kept it and it helped to pay for her grave.

Now, 6 weeks on he?s just done what he promised he wouldn?t do ? use it as a weapon. My Mum and Dad have now given us the money to give to him ? and they are so angry too that we?re being hurt by him. I've not often seen my Dad angry, but he is not at all impressed right now.

I actually hate FIL at the moment ? how very bloody dare he add to our grief like this. How can he be so selfish, self-centered and uncaring. What sort of father treats his son like this when he?s going through the worst possible thing that could ever have happened to him?? I?m dumbfounded. I feel so sad for DH.

All I can say is it takes far more to be a REAL parent or grandparent than blood....

His Dad has blown it now, completely ? I don?t know how on earth anything can recover now. It was going to take a lot after his comments after her funeral, but after tonight ? still not being there for his son and being so nasty. He?ll be the biggest loser in the long run ? he?ll miss out on far more than we ever will. He?s treated his son so appaulingly in such a time of need and grief - he is at a very real risk right now of never seeing him again.

Our baby girl is dead and all he cares about is himself...

Caz , I can't believe your father in law is being so petty and arguing with you at this time. I can't believe he would be so selfish when you and your Dh are going through the worst time in your life. I can't really give you any advice but tbh he sounds a right knobhead !

Morning xx

Caz I agree with Mini - he is being so cruel x

Morning ladies

caz sorry you have been so hurt. Your family should be wrapping you up with love and support at the moment not hurting you with rows and falling out with you. Sending hugs to you both xx

I think the problem with support is that in times like these your expectations of how people will behave are at an all time high - just at the point where they are confused, grieving and tackling the most difficult situation they have probably faced themselves.

I'm reading a book at the moment which says that the anguish of losing a child pollutes every relationship - it destroys our ties to spouses, siblings, surviving children, extended family and friends. It leaves us reeling - we ourselves are different people to what we were, and just at a time when our world has fallen apart, and we have no energy to do so, we must renegotiate all these relationships.

Two examples of difficult things for me:

When Catherine died, I phoned my brother from the hospital and asked him if he would go and break the news to my Mum. He lives all of a mile away and has a car. It was 8pm. He said that he wouldn?t be able to, as he had to get up early for work in the morning, but that he would be happy to go the next day after work. My Mum already knew my daughter was in ITU

In the car, on the way back from the hospital, I phoned my oldest friend. We have known each other for 30 years. She was at her home airport, about to go on holiday. She said it was AWFUL ? and that as soon as she had got back from her holiday she would come visit me. So she missed the funeral ? and I am still waiting for her to visit or call me. She sends texts that say I am brave instead.

My father and I fell out spectacularly because I was so angry with my brother. He pointed out that my brother was not sentimental, and his approach was practical. Indeed this is true ? he was behaving entirely in character. I was just so hurt and disappointed because I had expected better.

I was also disappointed and hurt by my friend ? worse still, I was surprised. We have known each for other 30 years, and I always thought that she would be there for me. When she found a lump in her breast a few years back, I packed the baby and travelled the 400 miles to go to the hospital with her. It is incomprehensible to me that she elected to go on a package holiday rather than to my daughter?s funeral.

I suppose what I?m trying to say is people behave badly ? they do not meet our expectations. I?m not sure what you do with that ? do you have the energy to undo these relationships? Are there bits you can salvage from them? My brother came to the funeral, and made sandwiches for everyone. He is a practical person.. that is his way. People are what they are ? they do not transform into what we want them or need them to be.

I struggle with my friend ? she is getting married overseas later in the year. I find it hard to think about going with good grace.

Caz I don?t know if any of that chimes for you. I see that you are very angry and I can really relate to that. Sometimes I think anger makes us over look the positive things though ? presumably they visited the grave as a mark of respect ? and although I can appreciate you didn?t like the pot they left, I doubt they did it with the intention of offending you. It sounds like there is some on-going rivalry issue with your MIL?s new partner ? divorce can leave bitterness that lasts for years ? the grief is perhaps touching a raw nerve?

One world of caution though ? my relationship with my Mum is very difficult ? and she has also upset my husband a great deal. However, DH has always been very good at stepping back from the argument. However bad things become, he is still your Husband?s father ? and your husband may well want to repair things, and I suppose that should remain his perogative.

Hope things are feeling better today xx

Wow - that was a long post..

Evening ladies - I've had quite a good day today - I went shopping for the first time with a friend without DH or Mum. I feel this is a positive step. :) We spent a lot of time discussing Belle today, so easily and without any awkwardness, which was really lovely.

Yes I am angry Sassy - and with any other person I would agree with me overlooking the positives. My problem wasn't so much them visiting the grave, its the fact they want to visit the grave but not support us. I see the two as going hand in hand, and there shouldn't be one without the other. My second problem is the money situation - after the abuse he threw at DH yesterday I can only assume he feels some claim over the grave because he helped pay for it. This is a grossly inappropriate attitude and anyhow he'll have the money back tomorrow.

FIL has hurt me one too many times now, in the past he has hurt me over things which really are quite trivial, I've let it go, made the excuses for him "being just the way he is" - but when its over the most important thing in my life, this time we're at an end. As far as I'm concerned with him now I'm past the point of no return, things are irrepairable with me. I and Belle (and DH but thats his decision) deserve far better and he's not my father, and therefore I've no loyalty to him and do not have to put up with anymore shit. I agree he is DH's father and DH can progress from here how he likes, whether that be repairing things or not. But as far as I'm concerned he is not welcome in my home and I shall not be having anymore contact with him. Period. DH knows my feelings and will support me in it, just as I will understand if he decides to resume a relationship with his father. I just dont need to have one too.

Sorry, just read that back and it appears pissy. I don't mean to sound pissy towards you Sassy - I know you are trying to help me and I appreciate that greatly. I'm so sorry you've had to suffer with the insensitivities of family members too. x x x

#sigh# - we just don't need the added grief do we.

Have a headache tonight. Probably down to the lack of sleep last night and my busy day. Will need an earlyish night tonight...

I do agree with you Sassy , I always remember my therapist / counsellour type person telling me that you can't change anybody else only your reactions to them . It is so true , I had so many arguments in my head with my sister in laws who were shite beyond belief after Harry died and I did even voice it to them after a long time BUT they still didn't change . They couldn't change they reacted the way they did because of who they were and no matter how many times I told them I needed something different they just couldn't manage it . I did eventually learn to realise they weren't bad people they just weren't MY type of person . And I also realised that was ok , they did as much as they were capable and although that wasn't good enough for me it was all they could do .

I did also realise that the anger I was aiming towards them was doing me good , it meant it wasn't directed towards me or my dh which it probably would have been if it hadn't been for them .

This really isn't meant to excuse his behaviour Caz , he has been a complete loon head but all you can feasibly do is deal with it your way and try not to let it eat you up . It will become poisonous .

I wrote this last year and bearing in mind this was nearly 8 yrs after Harry died I still think it matters .

I have wanted to say this to you in person but I know I can't so I am doing it this way instead .

I need you all to know that just because I am no longer curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor it doesn't mean the pain has gone away , I know I look and act ok most of the time but that doesn't mean I have forgotten . You will not remind me if you mention his name , there is barely an hour goes by that he is not in my thoughts .

I know you all hurt sometimes too and yes it is ok to tell me and talk to me about it . Who better to understand your feelings than me ?

I want to talk about him and like the fact that people remember him , I need you to tell me that you care , your silence is devastating to me , do not change the subject if I have been brave enough to mention him .

You may not be able to handle it and choose to push it to the back of your mind . I don't have that luxury and wouldn't take that choice even if it was offered to me .

He was here , he was my son , your nephew , your grand son , your god son , He was Harry and I give a shit that he seems to have been wiped from your memory .

So please next time you think of him , let me know
Next time you see something that reminds you of him just casually mention it
Every now and then ask me how I am doing and actually listen to the answer .

You have no idea how much it would mean .

You are all good people and are capable of doing this .

Thankyou

what is the name of the book you are reading sassy I may take a look.

Caz, am that your FIL feels that it is ok to behave like that.

As always, TW has wise words. You can't change people's behaviour, but you can choose how you react to it. It's such a shame that it's all about him instead of Belle, your dh and you.

I remember that post from last year. It's so true. It really strikes a chord with me and makes me feel so sad that it has to be said xxx

I just wish I was brave enough to say it to the people that need to hear it Ilike . I have been thinking about looking like a drama queen and putting it on facebook for his birthday this year .

Fuck em !

( I have by the way had a couple of sherberts , can you tell ?)

I know exactly how you feel. Cole has only been gone 3 years in a few months and already he's hardly mentioned by others.

I don't think it's Drama Queenish at all. But there is something very English about us that stops us from being confrontational and making other people feel uncomfortable.

Stiff upper lip and all that eh ?

I am bored with it now and I do think I might actually post it on his birthday . I do think I am past caring .

I have spent the last 8 1/2 years giving other people a hug when I tell them about my son dying and quite frankly it all gets a bit tedious after a while .

TW - put it on facebook. It is not stroppy - it is beautifully put and heart felt. Why shouldnt' you post it about Harry - and if you do, we will all support you and post nice messages after it - and hopefully the real life folk will join in.

I suppose just be prepared that they might not...

Lavandes - I ordered 3 books off Amazon - but this was the best one, and the one I mentioned:
www.amazon.com/Beyond-Tears-Living-Losing-Revised/dp/0312545193/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b

I thoroughly recommend it - it's written by a group of 9 bereaved mums who have all loss teenagers/adult children. I think in particular you'll get quite a lot out of it.

Evening ladies - I'm back x

Had a lovely time in finland and coped generally very well. DS1 had a fantastic time with all his cousins. Finland has some stunning scenery and felt pretty tropical. DS1's 6th bday tomorrow so busy week for us. Love to you all xx

TW - curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor - OMG those words mean so much to me xxxx

Morning - Oh my word and STILL the rain pours down...beginning to believe in the St. Swithins story!

Morning. It may comfort you to learn that it is raining and miserable here in 'sunny Cornwall', where it is full of visitors from your neck of the woods a lot of them in tents, poor souls xx

My Mum and Dad used to go each year to Mousehole - they loved it so much. This Summer, up in the North, has been the wettest I have ever known.

Nice sunny day in Edinburgh. However, I am finding it really difficult with the festival on. The whole place has a mardi gra atmosphere, and I want everyone to go home.

I have a massage appointment just off the Royal Mile at lunchtime - and I am dreading it. And I am thinking about going back to work, but I work right in the centre of town, and I just can't face it.