Morning ladies... Have not slept very well again, feeling quite unwell today, sick, stomach hurts. I know its a reaction. Had a bit of a meltdown last night - not really surprised, it had been building up all day. Going to try hard to hold it together today though because I want to do special things for Belle.
Mini - I echo what Sassy said - I've sniped at my DH too, but I think its quite normal because they the only ones who are sharing our pain on remontely the same level.
My DH never initiates conversation about Belle anymore, I sometimes feel like because of this he must be fine now, but of course its not true - like with you feel with your DH, I think he's bottling it up. I think mainly though he is trying to hide it from me, like you said to be strong for us. He still has his moments though - as is your DH Mini - I just think men try to be more private with their grief I suppose.
I know DH is hurting badly because I've seen the tears in his eyes when he sees our friend play with his 1 year old, when he looked at the book I'd made for Belle, when I have a meltdown on him and sob....
Guilt is a normal feature too I've decided. I'm still stuck in a place where I feel guilty that I didn't keep Belle safe. I know my DH has feelings of guilt too - that he didn't show her enough interest or attention when I was pregnant, he cried to me in the beginning that he took her for granted and didn't realise just how much he already loved her until she was gone. But pregnancy is different for men isn't it.
While we were living at my parents house for those 2 weeks, he came home one evening and moved all of her stuff into her bedroom - so I wouldn't have to deal with it when I got home. The day before Belle died I'd washed all her clothes and bedding incase she tired another early escape - and the house was covered in drying baby clothes. As DH took all the clothes down and folded them into piles he got really upset that he didn't recognise hardly any of it. He then felt guilty - because I'd bought her all these beautiful things mainly on my own because he was never interested in coming shopping with me.
I remind him now of the wonderful Daddy things he was doing all the time - like lying on my tummy most evenings and talking to her, so she knew his voice before she was born. That is much more special that what clothes he did or didn't choose isn't it.
I need to get up, (well actually I need more sleep), and give my baby girl the special memory day she deserves. Can't remember if I've already said this but we're going to the bear factory to make her a bear. We'd planned this as our first family day out - after we were had registered her we were going to take her to the bear factory and make her her first special bear. We still want to make her her special bear - and give it wings, so we have an angel bear for our angel Belle. We thought today would be a 'good' day to get her her bear. I'm going to wear the pink dress I bought for her funeral today, because it is her dress now and I want to go and give her the biggest bunch of pink flowers for her garden and "show" her her bear later on. Tonight we've decided we'll go and eat in Bella Italia in Cardiff.
I hate this. It wasn't supposed to be like this.