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Original poster

Anyone up for a How To Talk thread? Fed up of shouting...

165 replies

EffiePerine · 29/06/2009 20:24

I read How To Talk ages ago and thought blithely that I would apply it to DS1 as he got older, but after months of shouting and nagging and hauling him off stuff and away from stuff and declaring 'PUT THAT DOWN OR WE WILL GO HOME NOW, NOW DS1, GET INTO YOUR BUGGY WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME' I thought I was due a recap.

There's so much here that I need to go through it methodically. Anyone else up for a mini boot camp?

So ch 1 is helping children to deal with their feelings:

listen with full attention
acknowledge their feelings
give their feelings a name
give them their wishes in fantasy

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Original poster
EffiePerine · 29/06/2009 20:25

DS1 is 2.9 btw

OP posts:
NightShoe · 29/06/2009 20:33

I'll do this with you, DD is 3.0 and I never used to be shouty but it is creeping in and I don;t like it!

Bumperlicioso · 29/06/2009 20:47

Hmmm, I'm just starting to read this (it's in the bathroom so a couple of pages a night). DD is only 2 though, so not sure how much to put into practice.

I'm not sure I get the wishes in fantasy thing. Does it really work?

LackaDAISYcal · 29/06/2009 20:51

I am the shoutiest mum in the world apparently and my DS1 is in danger of getting out of control.....I'm in!

I have the book as well and only skimmed it when I first bought it. Remind me what "give them their wishes in fantasy" means

Bumperlicioso · 29/06/2009 20:57

Child: I want a new bike!
Mum: No way you spoilt brat I wish I could give you a new bike, I wish I could call up father christmas and ask him to bring you a new bike

LackaDAISYcal · 29/06/2009 20:59

hmm, my DS1's response to that would be to hand me the phone

iswym though, but not sure it would work with him.

Bumperlicioso · 29/06/2009 21:13

That's my feeling daisy, it feels a bit disingenuous.

Sunshinemummy · 29/06/2009 21:24

DS is 3.3 and I find that no matter how many times I ask him to do something, it's only when I shout that he actually complies. It's so frustrating and I hate the sound of me doing it.

moffat · 29/06/2009 21:30

I would stick with it as it has really worked for me and given me a better understanding of how ds is feeling and what he needs. For some reason, knowing I have a strategy also helps me to keep calm when things start to get difficult.

linserella · 29/06/2009 21:45

nothing to add right now as i haven't read the book yet but put it into my amazon basket last night after reading another thread recommending it, i'll go right back and pay now!

your declarations sound just like me! i have one dd aged 2.10 and i've found her behaviour very challenging lately so it is looking increasingly like i'll have to change my attitude for my own sanity!

i'll be watching and will hopefully be able to contribute soon

Original poster
EffiePerine · 30/06/2009 07:43

Putting wishes into fantasy is ch 1, I think there's more stuff about dealing with brattish behaviour challenging situations later on!

Thanks for all the replies, nice to know there are others in the same boat. I'm tempted to try and put it all into practice at once but then we'd all get confused, so one thing at a time it is.

Today: naming feelings etc. I'm also trying not to nag (rather difficult at the mo) but that comes in ch 2

more this eve - am posting and running again!

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ShannaraTiger · 30/06/2009 07:48

I looked it up from Waterstones yesterday. Next time I'm in town will buy it and definately join you. Dd is 5.8 and Ds is 2.9 and I'm shouting all the time. I hate it, leaves me feeling really depressed and useless.

Original poster
EffiePerine · 30/06/2009 07:48

oh and some egs for this bit

listen properly when they are cross
acknowledge: 'oh' 'mmmm'
give feelings a name: 'you're having fun playing and don't want to go home'
fantasy: ' you wish you could live in the park and go to sleep here'

OP posts:
Original poster
EffiePerine · 30/06/2009 07:50

I think it will be baby steps for us Shanna, everyone is so wound up and ANGRY in this house a lot of the time. Oh and there's stuff about acknowledging your feelings later on without apportioning blame (i.e. 'I'm really angry' rather than' you are being a BRAT')

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WoTmania · 30/06/2009 07:58

Can I just lurk for a bit? I have DS1 (3.6) and DS2 (2.0)(Ialso have DD but at 4 months she isn't a problem - yet) and while we have good and bad days at the mo it feels like more bad than good. I've read siblings without rivalry which was very useful but not read how to talk yet.

crappymummy · 30/06/2009 08:10

yesterday, i smacked my 2 year old (on her back, not hard), and pushed her.

she had been pinching and slapping me and her newborn brother, throwing stuff and i lost it.

i have never lost it with her before - but she has never been agressive like this before. i was always patient enough to redirect, distract, remove her/myself from the situation.

i don't know what happened to me.

i can't stop thinking about it.

please can anyone help?

WoTmania · 30/06/2009 08:20

CM - you don't sound like a crappymummy at all. We all have moments, usually when tired, when we lose it and children often keep going and going and going til you do lose it.

Have any of you read the 'Adventures in Gentle Discipline' by Hilary Flower btw?

mangopassionfruitshake · 30/06/2009 08:25

Have the book, will lurk for a bit.

Agree about the "giving them their wishes in fantasy" bit. When I try that, dd (2.8) cries more. When dp points a finger in her face and says, 'Stoppit, stop crying. Stop.' She does. It's kind of depressing .

NewDKmum · 30/06/2009 08:32

Count me in.

My dd1 (3.3) has started saying she's fed up (wonder where she got that from ).

I think the giving them their wishes in fantasy is also to do with day-to-day stuff, like "I want pink youghurt", "Mmmh, I can understand that, that's really tasty. I wish we had some pink youghurt, if we had had any I would have given it to you, but unfortunately we don't". Maybe in not so many words IYSWIM. "So here's an apple instead"

mangopassionfruitshake · 30/06/2009 08:35

Oh - and crappy, we all have crappy days - hope today's better for you.

That sentence looks odd. I think you need a more self-esteem building username.

onehitwonder · 30/06/2009 08:51

Have just ordered this as we are finding that DD 4 has literally stopped listening to us, leading to much frustrating repetition of requests that are descending into shouting. We have a 3 week old ds which is no doubt part of the cause. It would be great if this helps the situation.

Hulla · 30/06/2009 09:08

I'd like to join in (even though dd is only 5 months). I'm going to get the book from the library today. Start as I mean to go on!!

saintmaybe · 30/06/2009 09:27

I like the wishes in fantasy thing

It does work for us but you have to really get into it IYSWIM

So not ' Yes well I wish you could have chocolate for breakfast but you CANT'

more, 'wow, yes, and I wish we had chocolte milk to go on the chocolate and a chocolate bowl to eat it from. And I could have a chocolate cup of tea. Do you think we could have a chocolate house?

and you can't be being sarcastic

of course they do think you're mad but joining in is fun

thefortbuilder · 30/06/2009 09:37

I'm in.
have become far too shouty over the last few months. have been on ad's and not coping so well, but do not want to have to resort to shouting which we do with ds (2.11) pretty much because he just ignores us unless we are shouting.

and have jusst done the wishing fantasy thing and it worked!!!

saintmaybe · 30/06/2009 09:53

what did you do it about, flick?