Anyone up for a How To Talk thread? Fed up of shouting...

[EffiePerine]

I read How To Talk ages ago and thought blithely that I would apply it to DS1 as he got older, but after months of shouting and nagging and hauling him off stuff and away from stuff and declaring 'PUT THAT DOWN OR WE WILL GO HOME NOW, NOW DS1, GET INTO YOUR BUGGY WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME' I thought I was due a recap.

There's so much here that I need to go through it methodically. Anyone else up for a mini boot camp?

So ch 1 is helping children to deal with their feelings:

listen with full attention
acknowledge their feelings
give their feelings a name
give them their wishes in fantasy

Morning/afternoon all. Well have been trying out a few things today and had a few successes...
Sainsbo's sent me blue looroll this month instead of white. DD1 does not like it and demands a wipe instead, cue argument with me saying 'it's exactly the same' when it clearly isnt
So
DD1 - I want white looroll, I don't like blue
Me - You like the white because that's what we normally have?
-Yes.
-Would you like to make everything white?
-Yes, and make chocolate white
-All chocolate?
-Yes, and Dadda likes white chocolate and he woudl eat it all?
-What, even if your pyjamas were made of chocolate?
-Bleurgh, that woudl be disgusting.

I also let DD2 carry her cereal bowl to the table after realising that is why she is crying everymorning while I get breakjfast out (I thought she was just hungry) I didn't want to let her incase she spilled it, and then I clicked and gave her a bowl with no milk, so I didn't care if it spilt.

Then at soft play place DD1 wanted a chocolate egg, I started the whole 'what if everything was made of chocolate, even your thumbs' and she wandered off after chatting.
However I found her a few mibnutes later standing next to the chocolate display

I did have to yell at her when she pushed DD2 intentionally as she wanted to steal her toy, so how would I deal with that without shouting and sitting her down to think?

(have ordered book btw!)

Am also wondering how to deal with 'emergency' situations, where one child is about to smack the other one and you aren't close enough to just move them apart? Is shouting OK then? TBH it's not terribly effective in our house, they tend to ignore me which is a bit depressing. But don't really have time to explain in great detail why they shouldn't drop something on the other's head, so end up shouting NO!

YY penona, that si what I need!

You want to smack your sister because she has a toy you want.
Not really going to work, is it?!

Lets hope someone comes on and tells us what to do. They wake up shortly and the fighting will start again!

Hi - could I join please ?

I've been lurking for a couple of days whilst awaiting arrival of the book. I've now just got to summon the energy to read it !

DD is 2.2 and we've had a very trying few weeks. I'm 16 weeks pg and still exhausted/nauseous and neither of us have been coping particularly well with the heat the last couple of days. Consequently, we both seem to have spent the whole week either shouting/screeching or crying (I've managed to avoid throwing myself on the floor and kicking my legs, but dd hasn't )

Jack/Penona - I also wondered about the "emergency" situations. I just imagined have the fantasy conversations along the lines of "wouldn't it be lovely if we could just pinch and kick other people all day long" and then realised if anyone overheard, they might think I was training her up to be some kind of serial killer

The rest of the day has been pretty half and half. DD's woudln't eat tea (again) and while I can explain to DD1 that she isn't getting anything else unless she eats some DD2 doesn't seem to understand or care.

On the other hand DD1 asked me for a cuddle in her bed as she was frightened and I am ashamed to say I normally pull the 'there's nothing to be frightened of' line but todya I lay down and just let her waffle for a few minutes.
I discovered that she wanted tea frist tomorrow, then breakfast, then pudding, then lunch and a chocolate bar for bed (obsessed with chocolate that child). We tried to magic up some chocolate using my wedding ring but it's broken, cue much giggling from us both and then she said 'I'm going to sleep now, you go downstairs, night night'
Score!

I need to read this thread, and finish reading the book ( I put it away in despair after a long and tiring day trying to explain why dd1 couldn't have a million red balloons - I'm rubbish at coming up with the wishes infantasy thing).

Dd1 has watched/read far too much Little Princess, and spends the whole day saying " I want...." at the moment it is a scooter and daddy , she says it over andd over again, sings it, screams it and wails it. It is driving me crazy, I have started swigging rescue remedy from the bottle.

I really need help!

This is going to be really unhelpful - so much so that I have hesitated to say it but my ds only really started to respond to it when he was about 4 - earlier it wouldnt work because he just couldnt control his impulses enough. Or I couldnt control mine enough because the situations were emergencies as above.

Honestly though, I cannot see it working with DD2, but at least I can get the practis in with DD1 as I feel I will need it more for the younger one

I'm not sure about the emergency situations either. If DS1 were running into the traffic I'd certainly yell at him to stop. Maybe if you're not shouting the whole time it's more effective?

Sounds like a pretty positive day JB

Meg: end of the day is a stresssful time for us as well and DS1 also does that running round naked and screeching thing . I suspect a lot of it is down to jealousy of DS2 - DS1 get stories then a firm bedtime, DS2 gets to feed and cuddle for ages if he doesn't feel like sleeping, and even comes down to watch some telly if he's really not settling. I did wonder about putting DS1's beditme a little later (older privilege?) Mayeb say 'OK you can play for 20 mins while I feed DS2 then it's bedtime (and hopefully DS2 will have dozed off by then).

I've made heroic efforts the last couple of days to be patient, listen and talk properly with DS1, and really play with him properly, too. We have had much easier days! I am feeling tentatively encouraged, and hoping that things will continue to improve and this way of dealing with him will start to become easier for me - it doesn't exactly come naturally to me at the moment!

I got a bit shirty with him one evening at bedtime, and as soon as my voice went up, he got really upset and screamed back at me. It was a real revelation that my shouting at him really upsets him, and just doesn't work. So am a bit worried about when PMT comes round...

I started re-reading the book about two nights and am still on chapter one. However, I'm finding just changing my sentences to "I am..." is helping
i.e., "I am getting cross that you're not cleaning your teeth as I asked you to".
If this isn't enough I am then just saying "teeth" and walking away. So far, so not bad! Life has certainly been quieter and calmer in the mckenzie household these last 2 days. Personally, I think I am calmer just because now I am reading the book I feel like I am getting back in control of the situation. Does anyone else feel like that? I have been accused of being a control freak and try not to let that side of my character get involved when the DCs are concerned but it's hard. I want to have the last word and so does 4 year old DD!! .

I got the book the other day and have skim read most of it. Am completely converted, honestly. Not to say I haven't had 'moments of screechiness' but I am gobsmacked at the co-operation I have got out of the DD@S

I have been using it a lot with DD1, my favourite thing was yesterday, just before bedtime, when al the toys needed tidying up.
I ask every day for them to help me, and they never ever do, so the conversation went like this
-Right DD1, we need to tidy all these toys before I cna get your milk for bedtime, can you help me please?
-I don't want to help, I want to watch telly.
-Hmm, I don't like tidying all by myself, what do you think we shoudl do?
-We should not tidy and then I can play with them all tomorrow?
-Ok, that's an idea, lets write that down.
Went to get pen crayon and paper envelope
wrote down
Do bugger all (DD's can't read)
-What are you doing mummy? Can I help?
-I am writing a list of how we can tidy up the toys, that was your idea, I think you shoudl do it with DD2 and I should do nothing
wrote down
child labour
DD1 started giggling and climbed up onto my lap and we ended up with a few suggestions, including my favourite one of DD's
-We should all jump up and down and the toys will bounce into the toybox!

Ended up crossing some silly ones out and the one left was, we all tidy, mummy gets the milk and we watch peppa pig before bed.

And then DD1 helped me tidy up! and properly, not just half heartedly, full on 'mummy, where shall I put this?, can this go in here?' type helping.

Definatly feeling more in control of myself and of the DD's as I am not just winging it but have an idea of where/how I want conversation to go.

DH is using the one word thing as well as he gets shouty very quickly with lots of instruction, he has found it a lot easier to just say one thing, and is really shocked at how well it works!

It si a good hting if you can remember
I use it at work too

I'm in. Read the book a few months ago but I need to read it again. I've had a horrible shouty few days with DS (2.4) and I hate it, especially because he finds it hilarious and deliberately does things to get a reaction out of me, which he then mimics, giggling. He's a really accurate mimic, as well, which does not help!!

Well, I still don't have the book(although it's on it's way!), but I've been making a massive effort, and I've had a fabulous few days - including 24 hours looking after my neighbours kids, and taking my two across London for a museum trip....

I'm amazed how well some really simple things work - for me, the big ones have been ackowledging feelings, and describing the problem/explaining the consequence. I really noticed it with dh around - and the extent to which me describing things actually got them moving faster (understandable really - who likes being nagged?)

The book arrived from Amazon, though I have to confess to not having started it yet due to another The Highly Sensitive Child ordered at the same time taking priority, it describes my dd (age 2.10) accurately and has me enthralled. However I'm getting a lot out of reading these posts and getting a feel for the philosophy behind this.

I find now that when I shout at my dd she shouts back at me proof if ever there was that this doesn't work.

I had a lovely, in depth two-way with her the other day playing catch with a ball. She loves to do this but on this occasion she was feeling a bit below par so that is possibly why she was less easily distracted and as we sat opposite eachother throwing the ball back and fore and laughing / joking around, I was asking her questions about all sorts and she was giving me really well thought out replies. It was lovely and felt like real golden time communicating properly. I think the ball throwing had us both focus, I'm going to try it again. Just an idea.

I'll remain lurking and perhaps put the Sensitive Child book to one side so I can actually read this other one!

Oh JackBauer sounds like you've had an epiphany! (I think is the spelling?) Am really pleased this is working for you. How old are your DDs again?

Have tried a bit of the describing feelings but think is too many words for them (just 2) at the moment. But we had lots of fun with wishes in fantasy which I am very much enjoying and so are they, especially during the nightmare of mealtimes. Yesterday's went:

me - would you like some fruit
DD - want peanut butter
me - would you like fruit and pnut butter?

me - maybe you'd like to eat the cat with peanut butter (cat has just sauntered in)
DS - a pigeon! pigeon with peanut butter
DD - butterfly
DS blackbird
etc etc etc naming all the birds we know with various toast toppings

DD - can i get down now? (forgetting all about peanut butter).

And what comes in the next chapter? I am trying to remember and use chapter one info.

Going to look for book in library next week and see if I can read it before it goes back!

just came across this.... helpful guide

£7.66 here

hello, i'd like to join too please.

we have had a very shouty weekend. i'm not feeling well today (a cold) and so am finding it all harder to deal with and have been in tears twice today at breakfast and bath time.

ds1 (3.3) is the main problem. His behaviour is not good and i have been trying various things for the last few months with no improvement. i have read a bit of HTTSKWL, and think it works better with ds1 than other things (bribes, punishments, withdrawing treats/toys etc). But i do find it hard to think clearly when i am angry, in a hurry etc.

So my plan is

1. Read book again (third time, but only ever got to chapter 2!)

2. Write down situations and triggers for bad behaviour to see if i can find a pattern to it and avoid full melt down.

3. Decide on a discipline strategy and stick with it. A mix of rewards/punishment, time out, go to your room, does not give consistency and is confusing. Get dh to agree also.

4. Stop saying negative things that ds1 can hear 'it's hard work being your mummy sometimes' seems to be a common, shameful one

5. Slow down, listen to them (also have ds2, 18mo) and be patient

Will check back in when i read book again and start doing it.

Also, linserella, I am interested in the highly sensitive child book, perhaps my ds1 is this?

He doesn't like change, and unexpected events often throw him into a spin. He can be very thoughtful to others and is quite shy in group situations. What is your dd like?

I might buy the book, but i have too many parenting books already and no time to read them!

Definate epiphany here penona DD's are 3.5 and 21 months, it does not work at all with DD2...

What is getting me is when DD's fight over a toy, it seems really unfair to expect DD1 to be all responsible and grown up and not snatch when DD2 is trying to bite her to snatch the toy. Any ideas?

Hi weasle, the HSC book is certainly very interesting though ditto your thoughts re too many parenting books!!...I have little enough time to read one let alone two. I knew this was going to happen when I ordered but HSC rand too many bells to ignore!

Tbh there is quite a bit online about the HSC including an online tick box type test to establish (in the loosest way) if there is a chance your child is HS. So I would say you can get a feel for it all before you order to see if it is really relevant. It sounds like your ds could be.

It is all relevant to this thread though as discipline presents the same but also in some ways some additional challenges and quality communication is so important.

Let us know if you get it! Perhaps we should start a HSC thread! I got it on the back of a recommendation on here!