am absolutley fuming.....but think i may have ott with punishment?

[micci25]

dd1 4 has always been the apple of every ones eye, or the golden child, of my family and is therefore v spoilt, but lately her behavior has been getting worse and worse.

today we were walking to her nan's where she has her sunday lunch and she was pushing her wooden dog toy along when all of a sudden she screamed and started smashing the toy up on the side of the road!

i asked why why she told me she hated the toy it was stupid and she is glad that she broke it!

as her punishment i told her we were going home she wouldnt be going to her nan's that day but that just seemed to make things worse!

she is not sorry at all for what she did to the toy or telling me she hated me, or slamming all the doors on her way back in the house

her punishment i have decided is that she has lost all priveledges, her tv, dvd, cd player have been taken out of bedroom and there is tv or access to laptop, ds and wii untill i believe she is suitably sorry!

when i went to check on her and see what she wanted for lunch she told me she smashed up her toy because she angry with it and she also angry with me!!!!

i know that this punishment sounds extreme but i have had it up to here with her behavior, she is constantly answering back and just blatently ignoring me, telling me she never gets anything and her cousin has loads of good toys and she gets nothing, she is prone to violence towards me, is constantly in a temper at something .... the list could go on..she is just generally ferral!!!!

i know my punishment seems a bit ott but really dont know what else to do her behavior needs to calm down before she hurts herself or some one else!

does any one have any suggestions or has had similar experiences with wild uncontrolable children?

Now all that stuff is out of her room, keep it out permanently. Then you may see a change in her behaviour.

Now all that stuff is out of her room, keep it out permanently. Then you may see a change in her behaviour.

I think your first sentence says it all tbh . She has to much and does n't appreciate it. Taking away her privileges is oen thing but unless he perceives them as such it doesn't really mean much. I'd suggest you make a chart or incentive scheme for her to earn back the things she normally has free access to with good, preferably unprompted, behaviour. But that assumes she really does appreciate them and feels it is worthwhile.

well yes a wooden dog probably is a stupid toy to her in comparison to her own TV, DVD, CD player, ds (what on earth is that?) and wii.

Do you do much together, I mean one-to-one without all the appendages (family or otherwise)?

yeah i know that as i said i am aware that she is v spoilt, increasinlgy so lately, the tv and ds were x mas pressies (seperate years tv 3rd xmas ds 4th xmas) dvd player is my old one and laptop is mine but she has unlimited access really and wii is her dads but same with the access to laptop really!!

my problem is how do i change this pattern now that it has started? i need to get her to calm down and be more appreciative of what she has and less tempremental and violent

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Micci - This problem is obviously not just about the technology she has but fwiw....

My ds is almost 7 and owns none of those technological gadgets. We have one tiny tv, one laptop, two cd players nowt else gadgety

Technology is fun but not essential - esp for a small child

Get rid of all the gadgets permanently - youll be doing yourself a favour in the long run!

As for her behaviour - dont tolerate it and just praise the good stuff

I dont think your punishment was at all harsh tbh!!

She sounds very frustrated and angry. Maybe cuddles and trying to get her to explain her feelings would help more than punishments? I'm sure kids go barmy on electronic overload so agree about having too much.

You're in charge - time for a change. Good luck!

we do stuff together yes, i take her dancing 3 times a week and we do baking and learning and reading which she really seems to enjoy and is v well behaved when doing those but obv i cant occupy her 24/7 esp since i now have dd2!!

i have thought about reward charts we had one for the tv once but that was to do with her getting up in the middle of the night screaming and crying for no apparent reason and demanding that she be read stories or watch tv

it worked for that if she had two consecutive bad marks the tv would go and she would need to be good four nights in a row to get tv back she seemed to calm down after about two weeks

might go buy a reward chart tommorrow or we could make one together maybe

thing is i dont know if she does appreciate these things enough to want them back, she appears to think her grandad will fix her dog toy therefore there is nothing wrong, so wont she just expect that some one will rescue her and get her new things?

Speaking in very general terms: take away the electrical toys out of her bedroom, replace them with a one to one bedtime story. Give her plenty of attention that doesn't involve things. And plenty of physical exercise (and I don't mean the wii) to wear her out. A daily routine that you stick to. And be consistent with discipline.

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yes, she will expect someone to rescue her and get new things, because that has always been the pattern.

I think you've got a handle on what you need to do and I see that you're being sensitive to her being displaced a bit with the second child. She is coming to terms with (and being angry with) not being the only child in the world.

What programmes does she watch on TV . Tracey Beaker has been slated by friends for bad behaviour.

How old is dd2? How does dd1 feel about her? Totally agree that you can't occupy her 24/7 btw. Don't get the dog fixed. I mend toys that get broken by accident. If they are wilfully trashed than that's the end of them and no replacement.

And do you feel that the grandparents are undermining you by spoiling her?

yeah she likes tracey baeker i think she has a dvd on it but tbh she isnt really into kids tv she prefers dr who, torchwood and how clean is your house?

atm she watches baby tv a lot through the day as she claims she is teaching dd2 things!

but a lot of the time she is playing cbeebies or learning games on the laptop.

i know it sounds like she is just plonked in front of a video game or the tv most of the day but it really isnt like that!! she gets heaps of attention and has stories read every night, at least two before bed and she sits in on dd2 bedtime stories too so its more like four, i have already said about the dancing she does and the baking and stuff we do

we are starting a routine and hopefully that will help?!

Definitely get rid of the tv in her bedroom. Dr who and torchwood are not suitable for her age, and are on too late in any case.

Yes, a routine will help, but you hjave to stick to it - a set bedtime with absolutely no tv or music afterwards. And she stays in her bed the whole night.

I'd knock Tracey Beaker on the head STRAIGHT way! I don't like my ten-year old watching it. It may have an underlying message but it just seems like the whole programme is shouting and rudeness to me

No way does dog get repaired ! If you think she would like it , then ask grandpa to do so as a surprise only when she has gone through a long phase of good behaviour, but definitely not short term in response to her destructiveness. Agree take all these things away, you may find she is not even that bothered by losing them as to be demanding them back in a week or so. She may be angry as she has lost exclusive rights to you and dh , by arrival of dd2, which is natural but you can't allow your sympathy for that to cloud your reaction to her outbursts. fidn some other outlet for her frustrations , a bean bag in a quiet area perhaps, or you may find it escalating more directly towards dd2 even if she isn't seemingly the trigger now.

yeah the grandparents undermine, i.e. when she is told she must leave their house due to naughtiness my mum goes in a mood with me and my dad and dd1 lock themselves in the bathroom together!!!

she is great with dd2, 11 months, she is like a little mother hen have never thought that she could be angry about her! i ask all the time if she loves her and likes having her here and she always says yes!

but she can be a bit jelous if she gets any outside attention, she is fine with her being with me or dp but not so much when its her grandparents, she is never nasty about it but just pushes herself in so that she is the one getting the attention

micci25, I feel very sorry for you, but tbh, I feel even more sorry for your dd.

I agree with everything that has been said already. Sorry if this seems harsh, but she sounds overtired, overindulged and overwhelmed.

She needs your time, your attention, and firm boundaries and consistancy.

Do you think she feels that all the toys and gadgets are a substitute for attention? IME 4 yr olds are quite perceptive.

Perhaps you could involve her more with the care of her little sister? Perhaps think of things you could all do together? Now the weather is nice there is more scope for trips out to the park etc, and IME all children are better for fresh air and exercise.

I hope things improve.

You have got to be joking Torchwood for a 4 year old .

Sorry - X posted with your replies. It sounds as if the grandparents are making things worse. Can you limit the time you all spend there? Could she visit them on her own where there isn't the opportunity for undermining? It is very difficult with grandparents sometimes.