am absolutley fuming.....but think i may have ott with punishment?

[micci25]

dd1 4 has always been the apple of every ones eye, or the golden child, of my family and is therefore v spoilt, but lately her behavior has been getting worse and worse.

today we were walking to her nan's where she has her sunday lunch and she was pushing her wooden dog toy along when all of a sudden she screamed and started smashing the toy up on the side of the road!

i asked why why she told me she hated the toy it was stupid and she is glad that she broke it!

as her punishment i told her we were going home she wouldnt be going to her nan's that day but that just seemed to make things worse!

she is not sorry at all for what she did to the toy or telling me she hated me, or slamming all the doors on her way back in the house

her punishment i have decided is that she has lost all priveledges, her tv, dvd, cd player have been taken out of bedroom and there is tv or access to laptop, ds and wii untill i believe she is suitably sorry!

when i went to check on her and see what she wanted for lunch she told me she smashed up her toy because she angry with it and she also angry with me!!!!

i know that this punishment sounds extreme but i have had it up to here with her behavior, she is constantly answering back and just blatently ignoring me, telling me she never gets anything and her cousin has loads of good toys and she gets nothing, she is prone to violence towards me, is constantly in a temper at something .... the list could go on..she is just generally ferral!!!!

i know my punishment seems a bit ott but really dont know what else to do her behavior needs to calm down before she hurts herself or some one else!

does any one have any suggestions or has had similar experiences with wild uncontrolable children?

eww. glad I havent watch it!

As I said before, you need to set some rules, stick to them, be consistent and let her know that there will be cosnequences to negative behaviour and lots of praise for positive behaviour.

Reward her with age appropriate treats like a bar of choc or a trip to the park. Discipline her by removing a toy or withdrawing an outing. Try and have some time with just her and you, DH could have DC2 and vise versa and she should have Daddy time too.

She may be unsettled as she has lost lots of nursery friends not long after she had a new baby in the house. This can take time to recover from so she just needs reminding how to be 4 again.

Does she have any dressing up stuff? This is my DD1 (4) favourite play stuff at the moment.

well been to cashpoint is not v far away, no buggy she didnt want it and no dolly she prefers her bunny teddy right now, who did come with us

pmsl at time with dp, chance would be a fine thing, although tbf he did play footy with her on the street the other day!

yeah she has loads of dressing clothes i cant count how many times she has been to tesco as a fairy or mermaid!!!

i dont think i have seen the peadophile ep of torchwood or the others we only started watching it this series and i think i missed a few so maybe the ones i did see were less violent! i certainly wouldnt let her watch anything about peadophiles

going to start our more planned routine tommorrow so hopefully she will respond to that

my dd is four too... i think the punishment was fair...i don't like my children to damage anything...it shows to me a real lack of respect for their posessions....an easy come easy go type attitude...

my little girls loves to do lots of nice things with me or her dad....making cakes is about top of the list...(the packet ones are cool and very quick to make..come with all the sparkles and topper bits) she loves to play pretend and she loves to dress up.....

how about inviting a friend over from nursery? how about the park? planting things in the garden, or in pots? going to the library etc?

i think that sometimes its easy to see how we enable our children to become the boss...we adore them so much, we want them to be happy etc, and so we give in to their whims on a regular basis and they feel that power, and like to be in control, and very quickly learn how to make you jump!

you need to take control of the reins again and become the parent....

tell her, no, we're not doing that any more, maybe when you're a bigger girl.....if she doesn't like it, fine, allow her to be angry..there must be some transition phase allowed, but stay firm on what you believe to be important things.

explain things to her in an age appropriate way.....tell her you were very sad when she broke her dog, because you thought you were having a nice walk, and you don't know why she got so cross... then tell her that she must learn that its not nice to break things, and that is why you took her stuff from her bedroom.... (although, actually, its probablty too late now to do all that...should be straight after the event)

not really sure why i'm rambling on...
i feel a bit sad that your little girl seems to be a little lady too soon....i'm sure with a bit of perseverence, you can turn it around and get your sweet 4 year old back on side.

good luck....

ok have done a search and you're not a first time poster, so am assuming you're not a troll...

When you say that she is mature for her age, what do you mean exactly? What, to you, constitutes maturity? You say she plays house and plays with teddies etc, she had a tantrum and smashed up a toy, none of these point to a very mature child imo, they all point to a normal 4 year old who is exhibiting normal 4 year old behavior. So could it just be that you want her to be more mature than she is? Do you find it harder to relate to younger children (it's nothing to be ashamed of, lots of people find it difficult) and therefore you want to do the more grown-up things that you had always hoped to do with your daughter?

It doesn't matter whether she watches unlimited television in her bedroom. What matters is that she has a television in her bedroom, that she received a television as a christmas present when she was just three a time when she should have been given dolls and games and puzzles. She has every gadget she could possibly want, and I imagine she has some toys in there as well? so what's left? If she has all this at age 4 what is she going to have for her 5th birthday? or 6th or 8th? You've given her everything, what is left for her to have? What is left for her to want? to look forward to getting? She is a spoiled brat because that is the way she has been raised.

The content of what she watches on television is extremely relevant. It doesn't matter that she hasn't watched torchwood for a while, the images will have been imprinted on her mind. she may not appear to remember but trust me she will.

She will be starting school in September I assume? Well she will find it extremely difficult if you don't stop treating her like a minni adult and start treating her like a child. Also you need to bring her bed time forward by at least an hour, because if you don't she will be exhausted when she starts school, and that will just exaserbate her behaviour more.

Well done micci for taking on board all our comments and not getting defensive about your parenting. That must have been hard!

Good luck anyway

yes she will be starting school, when i say she is mature i mean that she has understanding of things that most kids her own age dont (not because of torchwood she was like that before)

i dont know if it has been caused by me apart from the torchwood thing i cant think of anything else that i have done that would have made her this way!

she has little interest in playing with kids her own age when given the choice she plays with older children

she is a very quick learner and very keen to learn and seems to understand adult feelings too! she is also very adamant that she can look after herself and is wondering when she will be old enough to stay at home and 'babysit' dd2?

i do encourage her to play with dolls and play pretend but i am always getting told off by her coz i dont look after my 'baby' properly because i forget to check weather its pretend food is too hot my baby then has to be rushed to hospital!!!

How sad that you refer to her as a "brat".

My thoughts too.

ooh good luck with the new back to basics routine Micci...remember to stand firm !

Spoiled beyond belief - at the age of 4 to have a tv, dvd, ds, wii, cd player and laptop.

we reap what we sow

I'm very glad you're knocking Torchwood on the head Micci. A programme involving death and murder is not suitable for a four year old.

I think she's misbehaving because she isn't as mature as you think. She may be feeling pressured by all the time she spends with older children. I'm a bit shocked at her having tv time if she 'needs a break' from her aunts visiting.

I think cutting out tv etc is a very good thing. She isn't going ot be able to say exactly why she smashed her toy up because she's only four and may not understand why she did it, nor be able to articulate the reason.

I think she needs to spend more time with her peers and more time playing on her own. She might be a bit overstimulated.

agre going back to basics is a really good idea.. and stop treating her like an equal. she is 4. enjoy her babyhood, sit and play pretend tea parties with her, rather than pretend wine drinking... she will be so much better for being able to act her age !

I think there is some good advice on this thread too.

no its not her aunts that visit i look after my sisters two dc's sometimes and it can get a bit chaotic here when there are four of them dd1 sometimes leaves the noise behind, her internet access is limited to cbeebies website she has her own username on the laptop and that is the only site that is allowed on her name

also i have never and would never call her a brat or anything else degoratory to her face, apart from when she asks me if she is like a brat in refernece to bratz whch is another kids programme she likes although probably not aimed at kids as young as four!!

have decided tv (in her room or otherwise) is one of her priveleges she is going to have to earn back by behaving better and tv time will be changed to free time in her routine, no tv or laptop access (apart from when doing learning time with me) untill she has earned them

Blimey, my dd is the same age as yours and has none of the things yours does or watches any of the programmes yours does. Personally I would not return any of the stuff and go back to stuff suitable on tv for a 4 year old.

I think you're choosing some good ideas from this thread and I respect you for doing that without getting heated in your posts. I hope you don't feel upset by some of the harsher comments.

i think you have placed to much emphasis yourself on the importance of the gadgets!! As you said somewhere she didn't see mto notice.

I remember my dd suddenly 'changing' and me having to re-assess my parenting, at about 4 yrs.

Its good that she has done a normal 4 yr pld thing, ie having a tantrum over 'whatever', becuas eit has made you wish to address the whole relationship.

Perhpas she was just showing her lack of abiltiy to be this grown up 4 yr od, and desp needed to have a paddy over nothing.

You have to move on form it, don't question it, and thank god she is still 'young'.!!

Micca, fwiw, here are my suggestions:

I get the impression that her opinion is being sought too much. You are the adult and therefore you should say what is to happen, not her.

Try to pick your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff and don't let her wind you up. So, e.g. if she says she hates you, your answer should be 'that's a shame, cos I love you'. Then ignore - end of subject. No need for apologies. If you can be consistent about not getting drawn in to debate she won't be rewarded by negative attention.

I am appalled that your dad hid with your dd in the bathroom. That is deliberately undermining your authority. Can you talk to your parents about this? Even if they don't agree with your discipline they should back you up at the time and discuss it with you later, not encourage your dd to defy you. No wonder the poor child is hard to discipline.

And of course I agree with everyone else. The only electrical equipment in her bedroom is something she can play story Cds on. Do not return her TV etc.

Good luck. It will take time and effort for boundaries to be established, but will be worth it in the end.

Oh, and drinking Shloer before bed is really bad for her teeth. The sugars soften the enamel and brushing then wears it down. So you have a very good reason (to keep your teeth healthy and your lovely smile)for giving milk instead.

Children get naughty and frustrated when they are confused - do you think by treating her as such a grown up her little brain probably is confused and so she acts as she thinks you would want her to or as she has seen on TV because she is just not advanced enough to know the proper behaviour for that situation and so just lashes out!

Message withdrawn

It sounds to me like you have made a kind of mistake that an aquaintance of mine has. When she had her ds her dd was under 2, when her ds got to the same age she was always telling us that he was still a baby and I asked her once if she ever thought about how young her dd was and how much was expected of her when her brother came along? She said she had but realised that her dd was far more grown up than her ds was.
The difference? Her dd was a better speaker younger than her ds was which gave her the appearance of being more grown up where in reality inside she was still a small child of less than 2 that had far too much expected of her. Now she is a bossy, opnionated (with grown up ideas) 4 year old that in all honest few parents want to encourage their child to play with.

I think that keeping the technology out of the bedroom is a good thing, apart from being too big a distraction it is setting you up for years to come
her expectations for gifts will just get bigger and bigger, I will bet that her DS was not her only present that christmas so it amount to a hell of a lot of money so what do you get next year?

It is hard when you have this walking talking facntastic little person in front of you to remember they are only 4 and that 4 year olds are not little adults they don't have the same reasoning and emotions as us and look for us as parents for so much guidance in this.

Micci

You've had your kicking (an over-reaction in true MN stylee), so I'll add this.

You are the boss over your daughter. Not your mum, not your dad, and not herself. You.

If your parents undermine your authority - stop taking her round there until they promise not to.

If she has a hissy fit and wants to be treated like a grown up, you say this....

No.

Can I watch Torchwood? No.
Can I play on the laptop? No.
Are you going to mend my toy I broke? No.

Ask all her peers' parents what they do and what they are allowed to watch. Do that. Find the middle ground.

I don't even let my 5 year old watch Spiderman!

Your daughter is mature but that doesn't mean this should be encouraged. Would you buy her a push up bra at 8? What about if all her friends had one (because they're all older)? What about if she was crying? What about if grandad bought it for her?

You need to learn to use that word and mean it. NO. All four year olds can be violent and impulsive, they are four, that's what they do. I'm not at all shocked at the breakage of the toy. I actually think you've made a fantastic decision to take the gadgets away. I also think her life will slow down because of that ... and it needs to.

Micci, I think you are doing really well on this thread, responding so positively to all the sensible ideas.

You have to remember that she's only four and doesn't have the emotional or psychological development of an adult. So she can't necessarily explain her feelings to your satisfaction. Don't expect too much from her.

If you are trying to get to the bottom of her feelings, it might help to get her to draw a picture, or play with her dolls - acting out what happened. BUT you have to do this soon after the event, once you've both calmed down - their memories are quite short and what's important to us isn't to them, so she probably won't remember much detail about how she felt right now.