am absolutley fuming.....but think i may have ott with punishment?

[micci25]

dd1 4 has always been the apple of every ones eye, or the golden child, of my family and is therefore v spoilt, but lately her behavior has been getting worse and worse.

today we were walking to her nan's where she has her sunday lunch and she was pushing her wooden dog toy along when all of a sudden she screamed and started smashing the toy up on the side of the road!

i asked why why she told me she hated the toy it was stupid and she is glad that she broke it!

as her punishment i told her we were going home she wouldnt be going to her nan's that day but that just seemed to make things worse!

she is not sorry at all for what she did to the toy or telling me she hated me, or slamming all the doors on her way back in the house

her punishment i have decided is that she has lost all priveledges, her tv, dvd, cd player have been taken out of bedroom and there is tv or access to laptop, ds and wii untill i believe she is suitably sorry!

when i went to check on her and see what she wanted for lunch she told me she smashed up her toy because she angry with it and she also angry with me!!!!

i know that this punishment sounds extreme but i have had it up to here with her behavior, she is constantly answering back and just blatently ignoring me, telling me she never gets anything and her cousin has loads of good toys and she gets nothing, she is prone to violence towards me, is constantly in a temper at something .... the list could go on..she is just generally ferral!!!!

i know my punishment seems a bit ott but really dont know what else to do her behavior needs to calm down before she hurts herself or some one else!

does any one have any suggestions or has had similar experiences with wild uncontrolable children?

You do know it has swearing in it.

of course she says yes, it would be very difficult to express this verbally but she is expressing her jealousy/anger at being displaced in her behaviour.

And it's normal and not to be condemned, she is entitled to feel angry about it. It's too much to expect a child who is indulged and adored to not feel some resentment at having a sibling.

Encourage her to express it, say "yes, it's hard having a sister when you've always had the attention", acknowledge her valid feelings and try and steer the behaviour without making her feel bad.

Honestly, you're doing a good job.

My Ds is almost 10 and I'm not that keen on him watching Torchwood or Dr Who. I don't think you should be allowing a 4yo to watch such adult themed tv, much of it is violet and you are wondering why she hits you .

It could also be VIOLENT. ooops!

The toys gadgets are about the norm now, and can be used in an educational and non head frying potato couch kinda way, my dd loves music, and music channels.

Micci 25, She's trying it on, let her know you are top dog, dont entertain her, take no crap, be precise with your reasoning, no compromising,explain she made the choice to kick off, and every action has a reaction.

She'll eventually cool down, tell her you can shout and scream, call me names, but you are my girl and I love you, now stop acting like a brat, until you decided to behave well, you will be on punishment.

Stay calm, dont let her vex you, you have to remain in control, good luck,

in my defence for the tourchwood/dr who thing she is very old for her age and is more than aware that it is not real and we have sky plus so she is not staying up late to watch them we record them and she has dr who/tourchwood time on a sat night while dp is at the the pub we put dd2 to bed and i have a bottle of wine she has a bottle of schlur which we call her special wine and have a cuddle while watching it. it is like her special time.

her new routine does have park time involved on a sat afternoon, or crafts if the weather isnt good enough

I think you need to spell out a few things to the gps here and try to get them on side. Surely you all want the same thing - a pleasant, happy, well-adjusted little girl? IME the most angry children are those without consistant boundaries and who just don't know what is expected of them. You're the boss here and you need to grab back control and make sure everybody is aware of what is and isn't acceptable. Sorry, this sounds a bit wishy washy, but without knowing the specifics of your family dynamic, I can't be more prescriptive. But I appreciate it's a tough one for you and hope you can resolve it

I think your behavioural problems are coming from the fact your DD has far too many inappropriate 'toys' in her room.

The power of a TV over a child's behaviour cannot be underestimated IMO. TVs/DVDs should not be in young children's rooms in use at bedtimes as they do not allow a child to wind down at night to sleep.

She is definitely watching programmes that aren't suitable for he age. Sounds as though she is up later than she should be too.

At 4yrs of age she should be tucked up in bed by 7pm.

micci25 - just read last post and am shocked about your referral to 'special wine'. It sounds as though you are treating her as a 'pal' rather than a 4 year old child. I really think you should reexamine your parenting strategy or you are going to end up with big trouble on your hands in a few years.

you record dr who/torchwood especially for her to watch? A child who watches things like that probably would end up 'old for her age'

Ok how more blunt can I be
TORCHWOOD IS NOT SUITABLE FOR A FOUR YEAR OLD . Very bad parenting IMO

bedtime during the week is 8pm but sat night she gets to stay up till about half nine as she can sleep in sunday morning tv is not allowed after bath time it is there for her to use on a weekend or if i have my sisters here and she needs some space from them

She is 4. She may give the impression of being mature/old for her age, and I have no doubt that she sounds very intelligent. But intelligence and emotional maturity are not the same thing, and I think perhaps you are misjudging her emotional and psychological needs. She is still a four year old girl, and I it sounds as if you might be treating her as if she were much older.

She is four, not fourteen.

i have never thought about the special wine thing like that but i suppose you are right in a way i probably am a bit too much of a friend to her and not enough of a mum!

have just been to check on her in room and she is all sweetness again now! telling me how pretty i am and how much she loves me but she still hasnt said sorry or explained her behavior any further

She is 4. How are you expecting her to explain her behaviour?

she's 4 and she has a TV, DVD plater and Wii?

well i wouldnt mind knowing why she was angry with the toy? obv this could be tranfernce of anger at something else, we had quite a pleasant morning up untill then though so it cant be anything from this morning, but a person maybe, or situation, maybe even dd2 like was suggested earlier?!

but if she wont tell me why she was feeling angry how will i know what exactly she was angry at?

Sorry but I can't just walk away rom this post without sayig a word and some of you will think it's ott

1. Why are you giving your child a whole bottle of schlouer and saying it's special wine, shes a child fgs she should be having a glass of water/milk before bed and that's it - why not make elderflour juice and say it's gin fgs

1. Torchwood / Doctor Who and all those programmes are made for adults yes a high proportion of children watch it but I would not let a child under 7 watch it whether they were a mature 4, whether it was at 9 am in the morning whatever - it jusn't isn't suitable.

1. She watches tv as I have a younger one to look after - a lot of mums/nannies/dads and other childcare providers manage - I worked as a nanny for a 4 month with reflux a 3 year old and a 6 year old - we watched tv for 10 minutes vefore the school run and then 20 minutes before bed - usually a vbarbie princess/disney film or educational programme - before them all going to bed at 7.

1. 4 yar olds need between 11.5-12 hours sleep a day - what time does she go to bed? Also it's a known fact that electrical equipment in bedrooms can effect sleep patterns etc.

1. Equipment goes - she can have a cd player in her room for story tapes/music cds - she doesn't need a dvd player or tv - and I don't think justifying the fact that she got something for her 3rd birthday - whar ever happened to buying dolls/prams/books/colouring pens rather than technology.

1. You need to be more assertive in your parenting - set out a routine and you stick to it - 7 am everyone up and breakfast - baby sleeeps as and when and that is your spcial time together - go for walks with baby and her - she can push the pram carry the bag, etc pick up leaves, do drawing/read stories whilst feeding the babty, if the baby is whingeing leave he rshe'll be fine for a couple of minutes - carry on with your dd. Bed time routine - tea at 5, followed by bath, quiet time with a childrens dvd for 10 minutes then upto bed for a story - lights out and sleep.

Hope this didn't come across to harsh - but you really need to sort something out now or you are going to have big trouble in the future.
xxx

My god she is a child and you are letting her watch adult things with behaviour that is unreasonable for a 4 year old and then you wonder why she behaves like she does - do you not think she sees things trashed on the tv and doesn't have the capacity to understand why - thinks its for no reason and so does it herself - you are confusing her little brain and forcing her to grow up too quickly watching these things - and laptop access for a 4 year old!!

Have you tried telling her that you are going to tell your parents that she has been naughty? That may have an effect but you really need to talk to them anfd tell them that they are behaving irresponsibly undermining your parenting of her.

I wouldn't return the laptop or anything and I would stop the TV shows that are so clearly not meant for small children!

And you may think she is old for her age but it is learned bahviour and her brain does not have the capacity to figure out things that we do associated to feeling and behaviour - she should be guided by you as a parent not as a pal.

no dynamic it didnt come across as harsh as such but i think that you have misunderstood or maybe i havent been clear?

she does not watch her tv on a night its not allowed on after bathtime, which is 7pm, and she is not just plonked in front of the tv all day coz i have dd2 we loads of things together

I have no problem with children playing computer games. Or watching DVDs, as long as you're helping them choose suitable ones

Am also somewhat at torchwood and Dr Who for a 4 year old. Heck, I find Angelina Ballerina a bit high adrenilin for me let alone for a four year old (all that falling out with best friends and making up shudder )

As for breaking a toy, I don't see why that merits a punishment, TBH. I'd see it much more as "oh dear, poor dog, you smashed it up. Shall we put it in the rubbish bin here? Or shall we carry it home and see if we can mend it?". It was her dog, not yours, yk? And if a child is going through a somewhat destructive stage for whatever reason, well, that's why God invented charity shops, so we can all buy piles of plastic junk for 50p a throw and not worry about it getting broken. Children learn for themselves about regretting when things they value get broken, they don't need punishing to rub it in IMO

dons flak jacket

She probably doesn't know what she was angry at. She is 4 - they are not generally that knowledgeable about what makes them cross.

My DS is 4 and doesn't have any of the things your DD has in her room. We have one TV, one DVD player and one not nuch used PS2. DS only watches CBeebies as well.

I really think that taking these things out of your DD's room will help.

She probably doesn't even know what she is angry at anymore.

It could have been that she destroyed the toy because it was what was there at the time. Or maybe it wasn't 'doing' what she wanted it to do.

My dd is 4 & she likes to build things, but they are never easy things that she wants to build. She will get frustrated with what ever she is using & throw it/bash it etc. I gently explain that we don't treat our toys like that & if she is upset with it, she should leave it & go back to it in a few minutes, which she now does.

I think that the other posters are right...your dd is 4 & it sounds like you treat her older than that. And you really need to review what she watches, imo!