My 5y old DS bullies me

[WomanScorned]

Of course, he's lovely, sweet, funny and kind much of the time.
But if I don't instantly obey him, or if I thwart him in any way, he hits, kicks, headbutts me, and has recently begun 'snotting' at me, ie, forcing snot out at me.
He controls the stereo, the DVD player,the lights. Everything.
It's pretty clear I've confused 'gentle' parenting with permissive parenting, somewhere along the line. But what the heck do I do about it.
He is an only child, mum and dad have never lived together, but are mostly friendly.
He does not do any of this at school. He is described as very able, sociable and popular.
His dad has an older son who was excluded from mainstream education at a very young age, and I'm so afraid of the consequences of my son takes his home behaviour in to school. He frequently refuses to get dressed or to leave the house, as he doesn't want to go. School are supportive, but don't know the extent of it, as they haven't witnessed it.
My ex is loud and aggressive, but DS hasn't witnessed any DV. His dad's place is a very male environment and life revolves around tv, electronics and eating sweets and crap, but DS only goes there about once a month - his dad usually takes him to visit family for one afternoon a week.They are very competitive, as is my son - everything from getting dressed to going up stairs is a race.
He's very likeable most of the time. I have, for his sake, to show him that this violence is not ok, but I have to physically restrain him, push him away when he is hitting me and we both get hurt.
Thanx for any help.

Again, well done. You stuck to your rules. He is responding. To be honest, I don't think I would have put him out after an apology. Especially as his behaviour improved. He is 5. Don't overthink it. He was sorry. Don't bend the rules because he asks nicely tho. It is just a way of getting what he wants.
I think you need to work on yourself too. Instead of putting yourself down - poor single mum etc - think of yourself as a strong woman, doing the best you can. Your self esteem needs work I think?

I think it was fine not to put him out when he said sorry, as long as a) the kicking and threats stopped and b) you did not cave on the phone time, so the original consequence stood firm (pleeeeese tell me it did!).

Also, I wouldn't worry at all right now about the motivation behind his apology. Right now just focus on his actions - he apologised, you accepted his apology, all good.

You are trying to change patterns of behaviour that have become ingrained. As long as the behaviour is changing that is your goal for Right Now.

As his behaviour continues to improve, he will begin to see for himself that life is so much better when he follows your guidance. Then the intrinsic motivation will become stronger.

You will only drive yourself mad and undermine your very hard work if you try to pick apart the 'whys' of his actions at the moment.

Thanx - and, no, I didn't give him the phone!

Not had time to read the whole thread but just want to wish you the best of luck, OP.

Loads of awesome support and advice on here, I'm blown away by people's advice and generosity in taking the time to post.

Good work!

All good!

So glad I checked in on you. Fabulous updates

WELL DONE YOU!!

Great news that you didn't cave and give him the milk when he asked nicely (as a pp said, that would just show him that if he manipulates you he'll get you to bend/disregard the rules). Huge well done on the phone time too - I think you handled it brilliantly. You didn't give in on the phone time, threatened a consequence for the cushion throwing and he chose to calm down and apologise. I also would have accepted his apology for the cushion throwing, especially if you hadn't given him prior warning... So...

You: DS it's not ok to throw the cushions at me. I was trying to help you. If you throw the cushions again then you'll have to go in to the porch to calm down.

If he calms down, fine, if he throws again then I would put him into the porch, apology or no, since he'd been given a clear consequence and chose to throw the cushion again.

I would have a zero tolerance policy on violence, though, and state very clearly that every time he hits/kicks/headbutts/whatever, he will go straight onto the porch, apology or no.
So if he hits you...
You: i have told you before that we don't hit. You are going in to the porch now to calm down.
DS: Ok I'm sorry!
You: Thank you DS, I'm glad that you're sorry. We can have a hug when you're finished in the porch.

He needs to know that he means what you say, and that violence will never get by without a consequence. Don't think of it as a punishment - the natural consequence of him hurting you is that need a few minutes away from him to recover!

As to whether he is genuinely sorry or trying to avoid the porch... I don't think that matters at all at this point; he is learning that violent behaviour will result in him being temporarily denied access to you, whereas treating you respectfully will result in pleasant interactions.

Morning Womanscorned hope you are feeling ok and the weekend continues the success of the week.

You are doing bloody brilliantly!!!
I've been quietly reading the thread, and nodding, because my DS1 was very similar (minus the breastfeeding) and it was very difficult. I have four children and the others were all fairly typical ..even my youngest who has autism was fairly easy to raise as he is passive. But DS1 was a different game all together.

Consistency really is the key. I work with severely autistic young people (not saying your son is, but the techniques are similar) and when we are working on changing a behaviour, it's really tough at first because 99% up the unwanted behaviour in an attempt to make us 'crack' but it only takes a few weeks (of hell) and they drop the behaviours that have worked for them.. usually violence, as soon as they realise it is not going to work.THEN we help them to learn new ways to communicate their needs, that are acceptable.

With DS1 it was similar. I'm married so DH and me had to sit down and agree a response to any kick off... literally we agreed on what words we would use! DS1 could not control his emotions and anxiety like my others and needed us to be absolutely in charge at all times, and once we were, it was amazing how much happier he was... he's now a young man and absolutely lovely.

Like your son , DS1 was ok with school and other people... but at home he was a little Hitler. We still have dents in walls many years later, to remind us ... but the struggle was...and will be for you...worth it!

I felt that I was saying no to biscuits, milk, eating on the sofa with a film on, for the he'll of it, though. Like Supernanny trying to break him, to win, when I could have avoided the issue.

At this stage, if you give a little, he will want more & ime it will make it harder to implement the things that you REALLY want to change.

In time you can give a little more (i.e let him eat on sofa etc) but he will start to see it as a treat, not the norm.

All you are doing is being consistent right now.

You are doing so well.

Thanks for the continued encouragement.

Bedtimes are going v. well, staying asleep through the night is improving and the violence has almost stopped. He is actually listening to me; I am more assertive and, I guess, clearer in my own mind about how things need to be. We are communicating so much more effectively. 'Tantrums' are fewer and short lived. I'm acknowledging his anger, but not accepting the violence.

He is earning 10 min phone time for no shouting, demanding etc through the night, and 1 ticket for each no-fuss school morning. He even had juice and biscuits with the head for 'coming in to school with a big smile' :) He is very proud of himself.

He shouted and cried for milk at 4ish, so got no phone time this morning. He was disappointed, but not angry. He accepted 'try again tonight'. He did say though, that "it wasn't my fault, it was my feelings. They got all messed up". That made me feel a bit sad for him. I know he has to learn appropriate ways to deal with his feelings, but I still felt sorry for him.

And that's okay :) You'd be very hard hearted if you didn't feel sorry for him! You can feel sorry and even tell him "Oh love, I'm sure you're really disappointed about that." as long as you stick to the rule which is that the phone is a reward for sleeping through.

Perhaps you can go through some ideas with him to help him if he struggles with his feelings in the middle of the night. Does he perhaps have a special cuddly toy or could choose a toy to sleep with him, either from one he already owns or go out to a shop/car boot and look for something? Or let him have a CD player in his room so he can put a story CD or a white noise/relaxing music CD on if he feels alone at night? Or a book and a torch so he can read for a bit and go back to sleep when he feels better?

There are ways to help him with his feelings without giving in on what you've decided.

Or even on the toy front - do you have an old toy from when you were a child you could give him to look out for him at night, telling him that X did such a great job for you and you know he'll be just as brilliant with him.

His 'baby' moved from my bed to his with him. He is very kind and gentle with his baby and cries if anyone 'hurts' her - half brother punches it/ throws it down the stairs :(
I have, at times, worried that DS shows no empathy, but then I see how he is with his baby. All babies, in fact. He will hold my friend's baby's hand if he cries and wants to 'borrow' one to read his 'babyish' books too. So, hopefully, he's not the sociopath I have sometimes thought he might be!

He still talks/shouts a lot in his sleep. He's always done this. Even, as a baby, he would crawl and try to stand up in his sleep. Right now, there's a lot of counting and spelling out. He doesn't seem to switch off. He has 'bad thoughts' and bad dreams, too. Is this normal?

I don't know about the bad dreams. I wonder if they will disappear as he relaxes more now mummy is boss? Has he shared his bad thoughts? If he hasn't, they may not be bad. Just his definition of bad.

Wow! 'Incidents' have gone from 30+ per day, to 1-2.

Lack of sleep, on both our parts, was def. a major factor.

DS is now sleeping from 8-4. Before you lot got tough on me, 5-6 wakings/milk feeds was a very good night.

With most of the stress, tension and uncertainty gone, we can focus on enjoying each other.

Thanx again to all the posters who took the time to write, often, very long and detailed posts.

You have changed our lives. I'm not licking butts, here. It's just true :)

Woman that is brilliant news. Well done!

great news. Youve done really well

Just a lurker checking in to say well done you are making amazing progress!

Lovely to hear things are going well and thanks for the update. I was just wondering about you this morning!

What a lovely, inspiring read. Best of luck going forward OP

Another lurker.
You turned it round, praise where it's due
It is interesting that you managed to make so much difference so quickly, you must have both been really "ready" to make changes. Also I did think you must have some terrific parenting skills already, it just needed the support on here to give you the kick and the confidence to get them 'out of the box' and use them.
Well done to you both, enjoy the weekend.