My 5y old DS bullies me

[WomanScorned]

Of course, he's lovely, sweet, funny and kind much of the time.
But if I don't instantly obey him, or if I thwart him in any way, he hits, kicks, headbutts me, and has recently begun 'snotting' at me, ie, forcing snot out at me.
He controls the stereo, the DVD player,the lights. Everything.
It's pretty clear I've confused 'gentle' parenting with permissive parenting, somewhere along the line. But what the heck do I do about it.
He is an only child, mum and dad have never lived together, but are mostly friendly.
He does not do any of this at school. He is described as very able, sociable and popular.
His dad has an older son who was excluded from mainstream education at a very young age, and I'm so afraid of the consequences of my son takes his home behaviour in to school. He frequently refuses to get dressed or to leave the house, as he doesn't want to go. School are supportive, but don't know the extent of it, as they haven't witnessed it.
My ex is loud and aggressive, but DS hasn't witnessed any DV. His dad's place is a very male environment and life revolves around tv, electronics and eating sweets and crap, but DS only goes there about once a month - his dad usually takes him to visit family for one afternoon a week.They are very competitive, as is my son - everything from getting dressed to going up stairs is a race.
He's very likeable most of the time. I have, for his sake, to show him that this violence is not ok, but I have to physically restrain him, push him away when he is hitting me and we both get hurt.
Thanx for any help.

knock the breastfeeding on the head for a start
a five year old breastfeeding every 3-4 hours through the night??

you must be exhausted!!!

and actually-HE must be exhausted too which won't help.

You hint about DV in the op. Are you/were you scared of his dad? Does he remind you of his dad? Does that make it hard to stand up to him and his anger?

Yeah why are you so worried about disrespecting him? He's your son, not your lord and master, plus surely you respect him anyway.

Sorry to be harsh but it's no wonder he treats you as a slave when you sleep on his floor, make your body available to him against your own will, go to bed when he does and basically obey his every whim as if he were 5 months old rather than 5 years old.

When he demands breastfeeding (which sounds HORRIBLE by the way), why on earth do you go along with it? He must be less than half your height and weight, you can pick him up, put him back to bed and leave the room. And repeat.

I feel like something else must have dragged you down between your first son and your second little boy. Why do you feel helpless against a 5 year old? It's as if you only feel worthy of being his wet nurse and not his mother.

Ask school to refer you for some more support. Either a Family Support Worker or a parenting course. The advantage of a parenting course is that it can give you a "team" supporting you - you go to the course each week having tried a strategy and you can use the group time to work through the pitfalls and pre-empt the things that might go wrong. Because if you are making a lot of changes then he will react to that and you will need support to ride that out. Does he ever have overnights away from you? If so you can use those to your advantage.

Re stopping feeding at night - I always dropped the night feeds first and offered water in a tommy tippee to prevent spills. I told them ahead of time - eg Thursday night you will have milk, but you won't have any milk on Friday night. Then at bedtime on Friday say "Your next milk feed will be after breakfast on Saturday".

The secret to successful boundary setting is consistency. Kids can accept different rules at school / mum's house / dad's house etc, but you need to be consistent within your time / home. Start with the positives - find chances to praise his behaviour - at least 5 a day- so he knows that good behaviour is noticed and rewarded. Then start a few simple ground rules - get him involved in writing them. Then the hard bit - enforce them. Have clear sanctions imposed rigorously. The sanctions don't need to be severe, he needs to know you mean them.

Others have explained feeling safe. I want to change anger coming from fear. I knew it was too strong when I wrote it but couldn't think of another word. Anxious is better. Much better. Thanks piggychops. It's burden enough to be in charge as an adult!

I would not rule out SN actually. It's not necessarily the case that you've been to permissive, although it does sound like you've perhaps got into some bad habits. But even bad habits don't usually cause such extreme behaviours.

Look up Pathological Demand Avoidance. Usually associated with Autism, but can be standalone. Might not be anything like that, but could be worth a look.

Yes do of course try the strong boundaries thing as well, with a sanction which does not require force to enforce (removing screen time or having him earn screen time through set behaviour expectations works well for us) but don't be too quick to assume it's you - unless you know you've been very inconsistent/treating him as the "boss" in the family particularly, then I wouldn't jump to assuming that as the only cause.

And yes, it's confusing. I also bought into all of that "respect your child and they will magically want to please you" thing but it seems in our case there is something missing. I don't know if SN are a factor, (no diagnosed SN as yet) personality, lack of consistency on my part, what it was but we did have a period where DS was similar to this. Thankfully at six he seems to mostly be growing out of it but there are still some issues which he doesn't seem to respond normally to.

Re breastfeeding, if you don't want to stop entirely you absolutely must as a minimum enforce nursing manners. He does not get to feed unless he is respecting your body and boundaries. He's really old enough to understand that.

Thanks again, everyone.
Yes, munchkinmaster, he is a lot like his dad. I'm not particularly scared of him, but he is a bully, as are most of his family.
I think the respect thing is because my own parents didn't. They punched, kicked, frightened and humiliated us.They used divide and rule tactics.
I guess I just feel that, as an adult, I don't eat stuff I don't fancy, don't go to places I don't want to go, don't wear clothes I don't feel comfortable in, so don't want him to have to.
I guess I'm just in the habit of putting everyone else first - I even pick out the nicest looking pieces of food for his plate first!
Thanx, Mrs - I feel like a shite parent, at the moment.
We do lots of reading, Lego, crafts etc, but it just never seems to be enough for him.

BertieBotts - I think the fact that he's only like it when I'm around is significant. If it were SN, would he be able to switch it on and off?

Start with one or two behaviours that are a priority to change. State your expectations very clearly to him. An example might be that all physical violence towards you has to stop.

Decide on an immediate sanction, eg being sent to his room. Also build in a reward system for when he does the behaviour you want, eg 'points' towards a treat at the end of the week. So, if he gets through a day without being physically violent towards you, he earns a treat.

Expect things to get much worse in the short term, while you are implementing changes (it's known as the extinction burst). He has always got his way by wearing you down, and he will up the ante to even more extreme levels initially, in order to break you once again.

This is where you must stand firm and resolute: you are doing this because you love him. This simply has to stop for both your sakes.

I don't think you are a shite parent at all OP. You sound as though you have done a great job with your older son. And its clear you love your 5 year old.

It just sounds to me like you are feeling very ground down and weary, and you are really just doing anything that will get you through the day.

I guess I just feel that, as an adult, I don't eat stuff I don't fancy, don't go to places I don't want to go, don't wear clothes I don't feel comfortable in, so don't want him to have to.

But as an adult you have to respect other peoples bodies, and other people in general. You are not allowed to hit people or blow snot at them...

I don't make my DCs eat food they don't like, or wear clothes they don't want to, and if they had a real aversion to going somewhere (except school) I would try to work round them. For example, my 2yo is terrified of the bath, my mum says bath her anyway, I say no, no baths until she is over the fear. We sponge her down, and offer her water to play in etc.

You seem to be confusing making him do things he doesn't want to do, with making him do anything.

Your ds doesn't have any boundaries at home. This has made him unable to manage his own behaviour and you bear the brunt of it.
As he's 5, you'll be able to have a lot if control over him still but you need to get strict. And yes, as a pp said, it will get worse before it gets better. You need to look ahead now and think what you need to implement to make life better for you in the future.
Have a look at the ahaparenting website. It has really good advice on there.
www.ahaparenting.com

"I don't eat stuff I don't fancy, don't go to places I don't want to go, don't wear clothes I don't feel comfortable in, so don't want him to have to."

I'm sure that's not all actually true. You probably have to go to work, or the bank, or a smear test, for example. Even though you don't especially want to, you know things have to be done. If he can't get through this understanding, he won't be able to live a normal life.

Likewise, you might not eat avocado if you don't like it, but I'm pretty sure you don't go up and start punching people in the street because they've got a bacon sandwich you want. If he can't get his head round this, he won't be able to live a normal life either.

it's not about trying to disrespect him and boss him around for the sake of it. It's about teaching him key skills. And bear in mind while he might be nice to his teachers etc for now, the way he is to you are the very behaviours he will understand as "family life" in the future. Imagine his future partner/kids having to put up with a petulant, or even violent man because you're unwilling to go against the (temporarily, lightly-held) wishes of a small child.

If you would like to try time out, but he "won't" go into a room you aren't in, would you consider a stairgate?

We use the stairgate on our DS (3y) room when he has hit/hurt someone (only, not for anything else, except to prevent night wandering) and we sit outside it but silently during the time out. He can see we are here, he is not anxious that we have abandoned him, but he cannot be with us till he has completed time out/calmed down.

Thanx for that link.
I think he'd climb over a stairgate. I did try putting him in the porch, as its the only lockable door, and sitting on the step, where we can see each other. However, a passing special constable knocked the door and 'told me off' in front of him! So, now he threatens me with jail.
We have just come in from school and, so far, he's thrown his shoes at me because I asked him to close the door behind him, and has fallen asleep having milk.
He says that he can't tell me why he does these things, because he doesn't know.
On the plus side, he got 41/42 in the sponsored spell. So, now I have to find £41(I thought reception were only doing the first 10) :/
I know this situation isn't going to magically resolve itself. I will read back through this thread and the links, and make a plan. I know it's going to be tough; though.

"We have just come in from school and, so far, he's thrown his shoes at me because I asked him to close the door behind him, and has fallen asleep having milk."

So you're saying that he threw his shoes at you, following which you breastfed him? What was the punishment for the shoe throwing?

I refused the milk until he closed the door, then gave him it to calm him down as he was upset - and clearly tired/overwhelmed.
I do feel almost resentful that his 'tantrums' are rewarded, but if he is anxious and insecure, as pp have suggested, I don't feel I can infefinitely deny him the comfort/security he is craving. I realise this sounds feeble.

Sleeping straight after school is surely because of his poor sleep pattern. Throwing shoes and not coping with requests could be put down to tiredness.

I hope you manage to change things, I don't know why, but I really, really want you to succeed. Please keep coming on here for support x

You are not in control. By giving him what he wants, every single time, you are not parenting him. To help him feel less anxious and safe, you need to be in charge.

He won't be able to sleep alone if he's never alone in the day.

My DS can't sleep alone but he CANT be alone in the day because of disabilities. I was told that he couldn't be expected to be alone in the dark at night and feel safe if he's never been alone before

"I do feel almost resentful that his 'tantrums' are rewarded, but if he is anxious and insecure, as pp have suggested, I don't feel I can indefinitely deny him the comfort/security he is craving."

Ummm but people are saying he craves security EXACTLY FROM you imposing some kind of order/rules on him, not by letting him walk all over you. So saying you give into him because he craves security could be, in a sense, exactly the opposite of what he needs. Do you see what I mean?

It's as if your child was suffering from lack of protein in his diet, and so, to make him feel better, you gave him a load of candyfloss and popcorn. It might be what he wants, but it's not what he needs.

youre not parenting him. Youre allowing him to act like spoilt bastard.

You need to take back control of the situation, even if that means rethinking some of your parenting philosophies, because even attachment parenting doesnt mean you allow your child to be a tyrant instead of you.

Something someone (I think it was BertieBotts and if so ) posted on here once really helped me with DS2.
Basically the post was that many of us parents do have some firm boundaries it's just that they are second nature so we don't necessarily acknowledge them as such. Things like wearing a seatbelt/going in a car seat, brushing teeth, waiting for the green man are for most parents non negotiable. Sometimes your child might not like it but you know as a parent it is for their own health/safety so you enforce the rule whatever.
Thinking about this really helped me change my thinking for DS2 and helped be to become stronger as a Mum.

It sounds as if you've been pretty successful so far but you need more confidence about setting boundaries. Your DS responds well to consistent boundaries in school, so that's a good sign that he'll benefit from them at home too, though he may push back at first because he's not used to them.

Another book that might help is Sue Jenner's Parent-Child Game. She talks about balanced parenting - parenting which balances the need for play and closeness with the need for some discipline and boundaries, while keeping up with consistency and communication. And how to do it! The book can be a bit mumsy in places but I quite like the insights into her own family which was not perfect. The geek in me likes it because she even has some numbers for how much of each kind of communication you need And she's a writer who understands how our own past can affect the way we parent ourselves, which might help clarify how you want to parent in future.

Good luck