My 5y old DS bullies me

[WomanScorned]

Of course, he's lovely, sweet, funny and kind much of the time.
But if I don't instantly obey him, or if I thwart him in any way, he hits, kicks, headbutts me, and has recently begun 'snotting' at me, ie, forcing snot out at me.
He controls the stereo, the DVD player,the lights. Everything.
It's pretty clear I've confused 'gentle' parenting with permissive parenting, somewhere along the line. But what the heck do I do about it.
He is an only child, mum and dad have never lived together, but are mostly friendly.
He does not do any of this at school. He is described as very able, sociable and popular.
His dad has an older son who was excluded from mainstream education at a very young age, and I'm so afraid of the consequences of my son takes his home behaviour in to school. He frequently refuses to get dressed or to leave the house, as he doesn't want to go. School are supportive, but don't know the extent of it, as they haven't witnessed it.
My ex is loud and aggressive, but DS hasn't witnessed any DV. His dad's place is a very male environment and life revolves around tv, electronics and eating sweets and crap, but DS only goes there about once a month - his dad usually takes him to visit family for one afternoon a week.They are very competitive, as is my son - everything from getting dressed to going up stairs is a race.
He's very likeable most of the time. I have, for his sake, to show him that this violence is not ok, but I have to physically restrain him, push him away when he is hitting me and we both get hurt.
Thanx for any help.

Here - if your DS is anything like mine this will remind you of simpler times as well as being annoyingly encouraging! (Why do bloody Thomas videos make me cry now? )

WomanScorned, you asked when DS started hitting - it was somewhere between 2 and 3, I think, but in fits and starts. From 5 it was much more consistent.

Some great advice on here, and Bertie's ticket idea sounds fab - something we might move to now DS is a bit older.

Just to reiterate what a slog it's been being consistent - not fun for any of us, but it does seem to be paying off. And, just to be clear about the 'praise for not hitting' thing: I do that after the event, when everyone calms down. Obviously what seems to be working for us may not work for you, though.

Yes, Bertie, your posts are very, very helpful. I think we can use a lot of your suggestions.

I am willing to listen to all POV. I love him enough to cope with the discomfort of hearing it all.

Sorry, that sounded really negative! What I meant was that I'm not an expert by any means and it's more that we stumbled across something that seems to work for DS.

I think you are muddling up his feelings as a child with your feelings when you were a child.

So if he cries you see it as him feeling unloved, because when you cried as a child you felt unloved.

But he is not that same small hurt child that you were. This boy is loved, very very much.

You are breastfeeding him at five years old in order to feel you are giving everything you can possibly give. You are letting him rule the roost because if you don't 'obey' him he gets upset, which you cannot stand.

Sadly, your misguided attempts, which I know come from a loving point of view, are actually hindering his chances of becoming a decent happy adult.

Get counselling (CBT) for yourself to help you not to project your childhood fears and sadness onto this little boy who does not have to endure anything like you had to.

I would:

stop feeding him and tell him he is a big boy now and the milk is running out.

find a parenting course

Find a counsellor

Allow your boy to experience sadness and disappointment and teach him how to deal with those feelings.

Stop sleeping on his floor. Maybe ask him if he'd like one of his friends to come over for a sleepover as a distraction from these changes.

Good luck. Changes are needed now

Allow your boy to experience sadness and disappointment and teach him how to deal with those feelings

Yes, yes, yes, a million times yes. And perhaps that is the positive 'framing' you need OP. Sadness is a gift - it teaches us when we're happy. Disappointment is a joy - it teaches us when we are content.

Yes! Agreed. Perfect phrasing there.

I think FantasticButtocks hit the nail of the head there - you don't want him to cry because of your own feelings around your upbringing. But it's a completely different situation.
You are not doing him any favours though, as the PP said, part of your responsibility as his parent is to teach him how to deal with anger, disappointment and frustration in a safe and loving environment. Because when he gets out into the big wide world, no one else will put up with behaviour like he's showing. On the recent 'inside life of 4 year olds' program, it was striking that the child who found it most difficult to make friends was the one whose parents completely indulged him. He struggled to ask nicely, share etc, and as a result was left out by the others.
I'm so so glad that you are going to tackle this because I know a boy who sounds so very similar to yours. He's a little older, but his behaviour to him mum is appalling. He kicks, punches, bites her etc, tells her he hates her and he wishes she was dead. She doesn't/can't/won't tell him off for anything. It's heartbreaking to see. He's clearly desperately unhappy and wants firm boundaries. Boundaries make children feel safe and if there aren't boundaries in place, they push harder and harder to try and find where the boundaries are.

I completely agree with Bertie.

I've got no advice for you but I couldn't read your thread without commenting. I want you to know that my heart goes out to you. You are obviously a very loving mother. You've recognised there are problems and you're starting to fix them, that's huge! Don't let what's happened to you in the past steal the future from you and your son.

You can do this!

Yes, fantasticbuttocks, you've hit a nerve, there.
I guess I've been determined not to make the mistakes my parents did. My siblings are all anxious people, especially in regards to their children's well-being. One is a compulsive cleaner. She couldn't bear for her children to be ashamed of their home, their clothes etc.The cupboards are groaning with food, good food and treats and snacks and fruit. Obviously, that's not a problem, but it's not difficult to see where it comes from. And I can't bear the thought of my child cold, frightened and sobbing in his bed.

I think DS craves male company/attention-his dad is inconsistent. I've spoken to an old friend, who is a 'bachelor'. He is fond of DS, but has witnessed his outbursts. He has admitted that he finds the sleeping arrangements perplexing. He is happy to take him along when he walks the dog, to burn off some energy and give us a bit of a break from each other while I make these changes.

I'm currently sorting my bedroom, making it an adult space.

Am also awaiting a call back from the school 'pastoral' woman - not sure if her proper title!

Thanks again, everyone.

'Get counselling (CBT) for yourself to help you not to project your childhood fears and sadness onto this little boy who does not have to endure anything like you had to'

Agree so much with this. You obviously had a very upsetting and unsettling childhood OP and because you havent' come to terms with it, you're bringing your own issues into your relationship with your son. That's not a critcism at all - I had inconsistent and erratic care in my own childhood and its not something you magically 'get over' when you become an adult. You have so much that you need to change in your relationship with your son that I would recommend professional support very highly - in the form of counselling for you (and the child that you once were) and parenting course to help you change how to mange your son's behaviour.

Some truly excellent advice on this thread. Well done for asking for help with this now, and for recognising that you are the one who needs to change this - it's not just a phase that will sort itself out. As others have said, you will have a truly scary and possibly violent teenager on your hands if this continues. Good luck.

Sounds like you're listening and preparing to make some changes. Good on you, this can't have been easy reading, at all.

Your boy is lucky to have such a caring mum who is willing to go through all these changes to make him a more secure and settled person.

OP I'm not sure I'm going to articulate this as well as I would like, but it is perfectly possible to LOVE someone whilst not LIKING them very much at a particular moment. Perhaps that might be worth saying (and repeating ad infinitum) to your son when he's having a horrible moment?

You clearly love him very much to want to try and stop his behaviour and put him back on track to being a pleasant little boy. Can I suggest (perhaps youre doing it already) lots and lots of praise for every "good" thing he does, it may feel a bit OTT to begin with. don't let him see he's upset you/wound you up, be consistent at all times. Whatever threats you make, you MUST be prepared to carry them out, so make them fair and proportionate to the misdemeanour. You are the leader, he is the follower. Very best of luck from me, I hope you get this sorted out. I used to have a book called toddler taming when mine were little, it used to keep me on track when the kids got a bit too much...

Hi womanscorned

You might find www.livesinrhebalance.org helpful

same chap who wrote The Explosive Child

DS3 is very very challenging. Time outs didn't work for us despite being consistent with them for weeks, but made things worse so I've found Dr Greene's collaborative approach makes more sense for us.

I hope things get easier for you soon

Op - I totally sympathise with you, and credit to you for taking on advice. The only thing I would add is please stop the bf first. In some ways it's the easiest thing to tackle. Also if you tackle other behaviour first and it improves, you don't want to 'penalise' him by then withdrawing the feeds.

www.livesinthebalance.org

sorry must spell check!

(Love all the great advice from bertie and polter)

Just to add some random thoughts of my own....

I use rewards for three very specific things:

• to encourage DS to develop a new habit or routine -- same as you did, for your DS learning to do without his milk;
• to encourage DS to try something he is worried about -- so I gave him sweeties for attending a social skills group the first two sessions, because I was pretty confident that once he'd tried it a couple of times he'd be happy to continue;
• to encourage DS to try a new skill -- so I gave him stickers for doing up a button on his shirt. Just the one button each time, because once he'd learned to do up one button, he could do the rest.

My DS always wanted to "be good" but sometimes he lacked the skills or was too scared to try. Once I understood that, I found it a lot easier to reward him for doing little things that would teach him the skills or get him over the "hump" of resistance.

I used a mix of Explosive Child and Parent-Child Game (plus some other stuff) with my DS, who has Asperger's. Parent-Child Game isn't too far from what you're already doing and it might help build up your confidence about when to use things like rewards and consequences.

I've met lots of kids with Asperger's through the social skills group and it'a amazing how different they all are! My DS was very sociable and outgoing though he could be inappropriate and aggressive at times too. Other kids are sweet natured, or timid, or withdrawn.

Thank you, Broken.
I've had a quick look at livesinthebalance, and will read up a bit more, later.
I have also ordered the ParentChild Game.

Then I am going back downstairs to celebrate the first whole day in weeks, that I haven't been assaulted! (Probably by washing up in one go, without having to constantly stop what I'm doing to "look at me, play with me, I've hurt myself, dance with me, where are you? I need you to help me, want a drink, can't find a red pen" and so on. And on, and on and on...)

We've both put a lot of effort in, today. I know it's early days, and its all still a novelty, but I feel more confident than I have in ages. I think he must sense that. Certainly, he's very proud of himself. I've acknowledged, rather than overly praised. From bath to sleep in 1 1/2 hours. I am incredulous! He had 10 seconds on each side of milk, and was accepting of that. He tried being hungry in bed, but I reminded him that we now do the final reminder for a last snack thing (sorry, can't remember who to thank for that tip) and that he'd said he didn't want anything. He started grumbling, but seemed to think better of it!

Wahoo how lovely to read.

Let me pass you a glass of for you to relax and enjoy in peace!

Fantastic. I have a little tear in my eye

Well done you. And him.

What an amazing start!

Wow Broken that's a brilliant start! At 5, he's clearly old enough to pick up on when someone is confident, cheerful and determined, rather than anxious, scared and overeager to please.

Crabby - I really am taking in all the advice; it's just that there's a lot of it and I'm working through all the posts and links, now.

I can see now that you were taking it all in, Woman. I'm sorry I was so harsh yesterday; I was in an odd place in my head yesterday and I don't know why your thread pushed my buttons so much . I should have stuck to my intention not to comment and just kept reading. It just made me feel furious to think that you were letting someone treat you so badly. No idea why I got so over-invested!

You've had such fantastic advice on this thread and I'm really pleased to see that you are implementing that and gaining in confidence already. I hope you've turned a corner.