My 5y old DS bullies me

[WomanScorned]

Of course, he's lovely, sweet, funny and kind much of the time.
But if I don't instantly obey him, or if I thwart him in any way, he hits, kicks, headbutts me, and has recently begun 'snotting' at me, ie, forcing snot out at me.
He controls the stereo, the DVD player,the lights. Everything.
It's pretty clear I've confused 'gentle' parenting with permissive parenting, somewhere along the line. But what the heck do I do about it.
He is an only child, mum and dad have never lived together, but are mostly friendly.
He does not do any of this at school. He is described as very able, sociable and popular.
His dad has an older son who was excluded from mainstream education at a very young age, and I'm so afraid of the consequences of my son takes his home behaviour in to school. He frequently refuses to get dressed or to leave the house, as he doesn't want to go. School are supportive, but don't know the extent of it, as they haven't witnessed it.
My ex is loud and aggressive, but DS hasn't witnessed any DV. His dad's place is a very male environment and life revolves around tv, electronics and eating sweets and crap, but DS only goes there about once a month - his dad usually takes him to visit family for one afternoon a week.They are very competitive, as is my son - everything from getting dressed to going up stairs is a race.
He's very likeable most of the time. I have, for his sake, to show him that this violence is not ok, but I have to physically restrain him, push him away when he is hitting me and we both get hurt.
Thanx for any help.

Just read this thread and I am really impressed OP.

I just wanted to mention that the whole point of this is for his own good. It will be life that is miserable (yours as well, of course) if he does not learn how to behave and grow up into a decent young man.

But you have my sympathy, I had some difficulty in my time letting my dd cry, etc. Fortunately I had a loving mother myself who helped me.

I haven't actually said "no" today, more "2 is enough", "I know you're angry, but hitting is not ok", "we eat at the table".

He has to say certain, seemingly irrelevant phrases, like "bye, I love you, remember what the date is" when he sees his brother out, then cries and runs after him for one more kiss, even when he's had one. Every time he changes sides for milk he asks for "the other one" in a very particular way, including flinging his arms wide and singing the final sound with an exaggerated flourish and a nod to "my audience" And his own version of eeny-meeny-miney-mo. He will add bits on, periodically, like in the "I went shopping and bought such and such" game. So, now, every simple choice takes forever!

And I'm quite concerned about him hurting his feet kicking doors. I'm sorry OP, but this made me laugh! There are certain things that just aren't allowed in your household and kicking doors must surely be one of them. His precious little feet will be quite ok. But there are other more serious ways in which him kicking doors is bad for him.

You are over-thinking this and dwelling on his tear-stained little face, rather than focusing on the fact that this behaviour needs to be stopped or he is going to grow into a thoroughly antisocial, entitled, selfish man.

You need to think about which way is actually fairer to him, in terms of you taking responsibility for his upbringing, for teaching him that ways of the world and how to live in the world in a decent manner, instead of grabbing and demanding and being rude and violent. He needs the chance to be taught about those things.

Ohh yes that description of him in the kitchen is just like mine! Try the "STOP. Let's try again. Go out and start again." technique. Turn the hob off, pop the toast up, so nothing is happening without him, and wait until he is calm, not agitated, listening and ready before you let him join in at all. Don't just try to accommodate him on the go - as you said, it's dangerous. Remind him every time he is in the kitchen that the rule in the kitchen is he MUST listen and follow instructions immediately because you have sharp knives and hot things and it's for his safety. And do a "one strike and you're out" policy just for kitchen stuff (after the initial "start again" process has ended.). Tell him he can try again next time.

And don't be afraid to say "Not today. You can help next time." if it's too much for you!

Fantastic that is when he's been put in another room for hitting people, though, so difficult to prevent. I think OP is doing it right by tackling that for now, kicking doors can come later. For now it's better that he kicks a door than a person, and quite impossible to prevent anyway.

He sounds absolutely awful.

I think you need outside help so that's my advice. You're obviously really struggling with him

I'd also stop breastfeeding him immediately

Don't you love it when someone doesn't read the whole thread? [Hmm]

Morning all,
This morning I am the proud (understatement!) parent of a boy who 'sleeps through'.
He had water at 2ish, then sat up at 6.30 and announced "that was a short night; it feels like morning already!"

You lot are great!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. For sharing your experiences and your knowledge, but most of all, for giving me the kick up the butt I needed. (I know we still have a long way to go and lots more work to do, but what the heck, I just got 4.5 consecutive hours of sleep!)

Oh, and I'm enjoying my brilliant son , this morning :)

Excellent! How satisfying that steps you've taken are already having an effect. You are happy, but also I bet he is happier too. You are seeing that your being a bit firmer and in charge is not harming your boy it is helping him

Oh that's amazing Woman! Yay for you and DS. I do have a sneaky suspicion that his behaviour will improve significantly if he starts sleeping through regularly too. Tired kids are on a much shorter fuse generally...

Well done you and him.

That's just fantastic. Actually made me teary. So pleased for you. He will have lots of struggles with the changes but seems to want them as much as you. Don't forget snack for the walk home from school!!

" Every time he changes sides for milk he asks for "the other one" in a very particular way, including flinging his arms wide and singing the final sound with an exaggerated flourish and a nod to "my audience"

That actually makes me feel nauseous, sorry.

I feel it would be more constructive for Woman if we helped her to make positive changes rather than rake over the inappropriate behaviours. That's been done to death now.

Feeding a child is very diffrent to feeding a baby, or even a toddler. Full term breastfeeding certainly does make many people uncomfortable, but I guess that's a whole other thread!

" Full term breastfeeding certainly does make many people uncomfortable,"

yes it is kind of icky and tbh he would never live it down if anyone from his school found out about it.
Still it does sound as though you are moving on well with this, and I am sure you will be able to stop the BFing too v soon.

Sounds like you are doing great Woman. And as pp said, I'm sure your Ds is happier also.

Please don't feel you have to justify anything on the basis of somebody's uninformed emotional reaction to it. That relationship is yours and his alone to decide when you are finished with it. Just because it is unfamiliar does not mean it is wrong or shameful. (In other words, yes it is a whole other thread! They pop up quite regularly if people have opinions they wish to share, this is not really the place.)

Lol, I love his realisation that the night is short when you sleep though it!

Congratulations on your full night You are really turning things around.

I love the ways you've found say what you expect without saying "no". "No" is a trigger word for my DS too, once he hears "no" he just doesn't hear anything else. Like you I had to find positive ways of saying things. Another one I learned in a parenting class is "when / then" - "when you have your shoes on then we can go out". (Instead of "we can't go out without your shoes")

With his controlling issues, might turrn-taking and routine be your friends? That on certain days he mops and sweeps and other days it is "your turn"? I wouldn't want to discourage him from doing housework Same for cooking, some days he helps, other days not? You could make a visual chart for the week. Worked well for my DS (though it doesn't suit everyone).

Advanced warning also works well for my DS - he can be the demon from hell if I do something unexpected, but a few minutes warning and he can be as good as gold. So you might try "In five minutes I am going to make your omelette, I want you to carry on painting while I do the cooking / you can grate the cheese and I will break the eggs". Or at least if he does kick off he wont be in the kitchen!

Anyway, well done you and your DS. I am impressed.

I think you are doing really well op and I imagine your little boy will find new ways in which to test you but I think you sound more self aware now.

I hope you will look at moving back into your own bedroom and stopping the bfing because I think both of those things have continued out of a misplaced feeling of guilt. I think you need more faith in your son and yourself, he will be fine as will you!

I was thinking about the biscuit incident ystd and I imagine that had you let him have 5 biscuits he would then have wanted 10, my guess is when you give in the first time the demand just gets bigger. One he knows that no means no he will actually calm down and stop being demanding as he will know this doesn't work.

I also think you would really benefit from some counselling, your own childhood experiences sound damaging and I imagine you would do well in therapy.

Every time you feel yourself waivering about the biscuits, the sofa, the door kicking whatever, remember so far you've created his controlling tendencies and stored up a terrifying potential future precisely through your permissiveness. Do not trust your parenting gut responses for a good while yet. If in doubt please be firmer. Gentle parenting done as gently as you were doing it ended up being no parenting at all. Keep going with your new resolve. He needs you to.

Thanx again for all the support.

Yesterday evening was lovely, lots of laughter, dinner together at the table, bedtime was lovely, 5 am was not so lovely, but I stuck to it. I reminded him that pulling the covers off me and grabbing at me does not get him what he wants. So he asked nicely and I wavered, but gave him a hug instead of milk and tucked him back in to bed.
There was a bit of door kicking and threats when he realised he had not earned any phone time. I offered large cushions to hit, but he threw them at me. I walked him calmly to the door, holding his hand. He apologised before I could open it, so we hugged and got on with the morning. Should I have put him out? He had stopped the threats and was 'nice' by then. Because he didn't want to go out there. This is where I'm unsure. Was he sorry he'd been nasty to me, or sorry that he was being 'punished' / seperated from me?

Also, I realised that my stress levels were raised, due to it being (around here, anyway!) WBD, and I'd stayed up late finishing off his outfit (mustn' t be seen to be the child of a poor, single mum from the 'rough' estate (where I grew up; we don't live there now). I know, I know - back to me projecting, again! (My sister takes this week off work to make sure hers are the best dressed...exaggeration, but all part of the 'inferiority complex' :)

Anyway, need to hoover up the felt bits, the fun fur moult, the googly eyes and wipe up the glue, face paint, sweat and tears. Sorry for rambling - all this sleep is actually making me really tired!