My 5y old DS bullies me

[WomanScorned]

Of course, he's lovely, sweet, funny and kind much of the time.
But if I don't instantly obey him, or if I thwart him in any way, he hits, kicks, headbutts me, and has recently begun 'snotting' at me, ie, forcing snot out at me.
He controls the stereo, the DVD player,the lights. Everything.
It's pretty clear I've confused 'gentle' parenting with permissive parenting, somewhere along the line. But what the heck do I do about it.
He is an only child, mum and dad have never lived together, but are mostly friendly.
He does not do any of this at school. He is described as very able, sociable and popular.
His dad has an older son who was excluded from mainstream education at a very young age, and I'm so afraid of the consequences of my son takes his home behaviour in to school. He frequently refuses to get dressed or to leave the house, as he doesn't want to go. School are supportive, but don't know the extent of it, as they haven't witnessed it.
My ex is loud and aggressive, but DS hasn't witnessed any DV. His dad's place is a very male environment and life revolves around tv, electronics and eating sweets and crap, but DS only goes there about once a month - his dad usually takes him to visit family for one afternoon a week.They are very competitive, as is my son - everything from getting dressed to going up stairs is a race.
He's very likeable most of the time. I have, for his sake, to show him that this violence is not ok, but I have to physically restrain him, push him away when he is hitting me and we both get hurt.
Thanx for any help.

His actions must not be rewarded - not ever.

What do you do when he does these things to you?

If it were my child, they would go into their room for a period. This would be to allow me to calm down and to deal with the possibly that their behaviour was attention seeking.

In addition, they would not be able to have whatever it was they wanted for a longer period. So, if they were trying to force me to play a particular DVD, we would not be watching that for several days. If they did it again, I personally would be tempted to throw the DVD away (but I am at the strict end of the parenting spectrum I think).

It is absolutely not too late to deal with this. He is only 5.

You need to find a suitable time out style consequence for the violence and the snot. And always follow through no matter what.

You can be a gentle parent while still demanding respect. However, with the situation descending into him being violent towards you, I think you are going to have to get quite tough.

Oooft. You need to start again. Now. He is only 5. There are fantastic books available with strategies to help. Boundaries make a child feel safe. It is great that school are supportive because you are going to have a hard couple of weeks ahead. Take control of everything. Keep calm. Stick to consequences. Do not make threats you cannot follow through. Put time aside when you can to do activities together. It will be tough op but you both need this to improve the quality of your lives together.
Move away when he goes for you. Have a cushion he can go for until he realises he cannot manipulate you with his temper. The snotting is especially disgusting but don't react. Good luck.

He will not be in a seperate room from me. He just comes back to wherever I am.
I've spoken to the school liaison worker, mostly about him not wanting to go to school and she gave me some tips, but they all depend on him doing as I say - which he doesn't!
I go to bed with him, at 7.30-8ish and I sleep on a mattress in his floor, as he is genuinely upset if he wakes up and is alone.

He just seems to need to control everything - including me.
He is generally happy, jolly even, but this anger is coming from somewhere, isn't it?

I'd do one two three magic.

But he is 5. You make him do as you say.

If you put him in one room and he comes to you, you put him back there and you keep doing it until he gives up. You are the adult. Your will power has to be stronger than his.

As for waking up alone, well he probably would be upset as he hasn't had to get used to sleeping alone. You as the parent have to teach him to sleep alone. If you want to co sleep then do that but sleeping on a mattress on his floor is bonkers.

There is no easy way round this. Either you continue to make excuses for his behaviour, or you get a handle on it now. If this continues, where will it end. You will wake up in a decade with a thug for a son who knocks seven bells out of you unless you do as he says.

He wants boundaries and he is continually pushing you in the hope you will push back.

I have the usual books - several Alfie Kohn, How to talk so children listen, etc, but they rely on mutual respect, which we just don't seem to have.
He listens and agrees when we talk about respect for other's bodies, including his, but it all goes out of the window at 3 am, when he wants milk. If I say no, he pulls the duvet off of me and rips at my nightie. Forced breastfeeding is not loving and nurturing, it's crap. But when we talk about it, he says he loves it and, of course, it calms him down.

He has to be with you because he doesn't feel safe. A child should not dictate to such an extent. Sleeping on his floor? Stop now. The anger comes from fear. He needs parented. If you are concerned he may have social/anger issues, you will not know until you take control. It is great that you recognise that there is a problem, now you have to follow through to sort it. You can, you know. Make a plan today. Take tips from your thread. Start at bedtime tonight. Find your strong voice and stern face. A strong voice is not a shouty one. Its firm. Level. Calm. Practise if you need too.

And stop breastfeeding if he is using it against you.

That's what I'm terrified of, slice of soup.
I refer to him as an only child, because my other son is an adult and has his own place 5 minutes ago. They adore each other, but he is sometimes been on the receiving end of his little brother's aggression. DS1 has never hit me, we've had 2-3 mild arguments, in 20 odd years. He's polite, respectful, helpful and I just don't know how to deal with the completely different little boy I have now.

OP what does parenting mean to you? I genuinely wonder if you are missing the point of being a parent and that is what has led to this. You seem to think that as long as he is happy nothing else matters, including your self respect. Except he isn't happy at all is he. He sounds like a very confused little boy.

At 5 years old, unless he has SN (which I think you would have mentioned by now) he should be capable to sleep through the night in his own room. Night feeds ended for my two before the age of 2. Extended breastfeeding should be your decision, not his, and he should not be ripping at your clothes for it.

But why doesn't he feel safe?

So you have an adult son who has turned out ok. Think back to when he was 5. Were you sleeping on his floor? Did he demand you breastfed him when you didn't want to? Did he blow snot at you? Did he control you?

If not, why not? What did you do back then that you are not doing now?

No SN. He is very well behaved at school and with my mum, sister, etc.
I know I've wronged him, but am sooo exhausted, after 5 years of little sleep, that I don't k ow where to start making the changes that need to be made.

I reckon I parent in a similar way to you, my eldest also hates being in a room by himself and still often co-sleeps (with us or his brother).

But they know by look and tone of voice, as ghost says, that any physical violence towards me is absolutely unacceptable. If the covers were being pulled off me my DC would receive a firm no, and I would tell them I would sleep elsewhere, and follow through, unless he stopped immediately.

children feel safe when they have a clear idea of what the boundaries are.
I think he feels anxious because there are no boundaries.
You need to be in a mentally strong place to tackle this, because when you start, he will crank up the behaviour to test you to see if you really mean what you say.

But why doesn't he feel safe?

Because he is in control at the age of 5. He is ill equipped to deal with that control and he knows it.

He needs you to take back control so he knows you are handling it all. He needs to know you are the parent.

I was young, 24, not 40 and was married to his dad. I was besotted and enthusiastic. He bf'd until 16m, weaned easily. He was just a 'compliant' child. I don't want a people pleaser, btw. I love DS2's passion, his joie de vivre, but need to channel it in to self confidence, assertiveness, rather than arrogance and bullying.

Thank you, slice of fish.
I remember telling ex, years ago that his son couldn't be expected to cope with the responsibility of being in charge of the household.
And now, I've done the same. Shit : (

He will feel safe when he knows you are the one in charge.

If you allow him to rip your duvet off so he can breast feed whenever he feels like it, you are not teaching him about respect for people's bodies. He is learning to grab what he wants whenever he likes, and by allowing this behaviour you are saying that is ok.

All the messages he is getting from your behaviour are creating his behaviour.

Don't feel bad about it - there's not one of us that can honestly say we have always got parenting right. It is not easy and mistakes happen.

You recognise that you have got yourself to a place that you don't want to be in and is not good for your son. Work out how to go forward.

I think I might start with getting him to stay on his own in his own room for the whole night. If you can get more sleep, it might give you a better perspective on everything else.

You can do this - it will be hard, but it can be done. You are the parent and are in charge (and are bigger than him). Just put him back in his room everytime he comes out with as little fuss as possible.

Thank you for all the replies.
We have a bedtime routine - bath, story, milk, then he goes to sleep, usually within 3 minutes, and in his own bed. But, he wakes up every 3-4 hours for milk, reassurance
I think that I am so obsessed with respecting him, that I've lost my own self respect.

It sounds as though you've done lots and lots of things right - he's confident, well behaved at school, he's sociable, popular and you've breastfed him beyond the point you wanted to stop because you want to do the right thing by him and you've exhausted yourself to meet his needs. Those are all brilliant things that you can be proud of. And you've got an older son who has turned out brilliantly as an adult. So you're clearly a very good parent. I say this (a bit clumsily) because you sound pretty down on yourself and you shouldn't be, children need parents who love them as much as you obviously do.

The behaviours you describe do sound a bit extreme but I think most 5 year old boys can be pretty similar given the chance! 5 years old is still really quite young and I think although it might be a tough, if you're clear and consistent with what you do then you will see positive changes very quickly. Lots of people have given good advice up thread and maybe a book like 1,2,3 Magic would be worth getting before you make any significant changes so you've got a good idea of what you want to do, and how you're going to do it.

Personally, I wouldn't try and deal with everything all at once. I would maybe not interfere too much with sleeping at the moment because I think firstly you need to get as much sleep as possible so you've got the energy to make other changes and secondly because I suspect that as his behaviour and respect for you improves then so will the sleep issues. Because it's really important that you're consistent about creating rules around him doing/or not doing what you ask him to do, I would try and avoid imposing any new rules over sleep and feeding at night ie if he wants you to sleep with him, do so without him even asking for it and feed him when he wakes so that he doesn't fight with you over it. What I'm trying to say is that you absolutely don't want to say no to something, let him whine and fight with you over it, and then give in , because this just teaches him that tantruming will make you give in if he tantrums for long enough. Better to take the lead and make it your decision that you will feed him/sleep with him at this stage IMO. Obviously once you're more confident that he respects you and knows the boundaries then you can tackle the night wakings/feedings. OTOH if it's sleep that is the biggest issue at the moment then it might be better to tackle this first, but you have to really have the guts and energy to go through with it consistently.

One other thing I would say is to please don't think that you have to be either scary, dominant shouty mum OR child led, never being cross, endlessly patient etc etc. I am a mixture of both really - we have rules that are non-negotiable and I am very much in charge, but for other things I will negotiate and allow them to find their own way etc. But as I think you've realised the respect needs to be there in the first place and that means boundaries and you as Leader rather than slave!