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Original poster

My 10yo DS will not speak to me.

198 replies

Remirez · 17/05/2014 20:21

My 10 yo hasn't said a word to me for 4 days, his behaviour has started to deteriorate at school as well, the reason behind this is that he wants to go and live with his Dad which is never going to happen.

Him not speaking to me, ignoring me and being rude to my partner is nothing new but the non talking has never gone on for 4 days, I am at the end of my tether now.

Can I just have some advice on how to handle this situation, as well as the deterioration at school as his teacher is very concerned and has started asking questions. I'm open to any questions and I handle criticism very well.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 17/05/2014 20:26

No experience of this sorry. Has he said why he wants to live with his Dad?

Cathycat · 17/05/2014 20:31

Not speaking to a loved relative for this long is cruel. My children, who are all around this age would understand that. Can you explain this to him? Or can a close friend or relative? Or is it more complicated than that?

MarathonFan · 17/05/2014 20:32

Oh dear, that sounds awful and I'm racking my brains for something useful to say.

Here every little rudeness is dealt with very firmly, so I don't think it could get that far. e.g not saying thank you would be enough to have the thing you'd just been given removed. Ignoring me or being deliberately rude would have had a 24 hour screen ban and the kind of behaviour you're describing now would have all privileges removed until it was resolved.

That said DSs' father and I generally present a united front and they know they can't be rude to either of us. Your DSs obviously has some "stuff" going on in his life, why can't he go and stay with his father for a while?

Fairylea · 17/05/2014 20:35

So what is he doing when he's not talking to you?

Ban everything. TV and all toys.
Feed him the most boring of foods and no snacks.

No seeing his friends or talking to them.

Basically make his life uncomfortable until he starts to talk to you...?

Fairylea · 17/05/2014 20:36

Why does he want to live with his dad by the way?

Martorana · 17/05/2014 20:36

How often does he see his father? Do you know why he wants to go and live the?

Original poster
Remirez · 17/05/2014 20:50

JiltedJohnsJulie No he hasn't, of course I've asked him but he will not give me a reason.
Cathycat I have told him what he is doing isn't nice and that it's upsetting me, however he doesn't seem to care, my mum come around this afternoon to try and speak to him, he shut himself in his room.
MarathonFan Even if I agreed, his dad wouldn't have him, he works long hours when he goes to his house the pair of them don't even go out, they stay in the house, but speaking of that DS is an indoor person.
Fairylea Thanks for suggesting that, but it would cause a lot of tension DS can get very angry, and I don't want that happening, and in answer to your question I haven't a clue why he wants to live with him.
Martorana He says over with him every fortnight.

OP posts:
MarathonFan · 17/05/2014 20:56

Hmm, so you won't discipline him because it will cause a lot of tension...

What have you tried to do to deal with his behaviour?

Martorana · 17/05/2014 20:59

Right. So there are no sanctions for his bad behaviour. That could explain a lot. Are you scared of him?

Meow75 · 17/05/2014 21:02

What does his father say about this behaviour? Have you contacted him? Perhaps if he hears, directly from his father, that his is not the sort of lifestyle where a 10 year old boy can spend the majority of his time, he might understand better.

Are you and his father friendly even though you are no longer together? How long is it since you split up? Does he have another partner?

Fairylea · 17/05/2014 21:02

You sound scared of him. At 10 years old he is still very much a child and if it creates a bad atmosphere by sanctioning him then that is what needs to happen. It's part of learning his behaviour has consequences. .

Original poster
Remirez · 17/05/2014 21:05

MarathonFan Whenever he does misbehave I do try and speak to him but I can never seem to get through to him, and make him open up to me, so I generally just leave him alone and try and forget about what he has done.
Martorana I'm not afraid of him, I just find it hard to discipline him and say no to h

OP posts:
Original poster
Remirez · 17/05/2014 21:06

im. Sorry I didn't mean to press send.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/05/2014 21:12

Have you had a chat with his dad?

Original poster
Remirez · 17/05/2014 21:13

Meow75 I haven't told his dad about his behaviour, simple reason he wont listen to me, me and him are not friendly. He is a very hard man to reason with and he wouldn't care how DS behaves when he is not with him, me and his father were never together.
Fairylea It is completely true what you are saying he is a child but he is very demanding, he is putting strain on my relationship he thinks it's okay to tell me when and when my partner can't come round, and with me being 6 and a half weeks pregnant I dread to think how things are going to be when he baby is here. People have asked is he acting like this because I am with a man who isn't his father, this isn't the reason, he has always played up with me.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 17/05/2014 21:57

Ok.. I have a dd the same age as your son and I am also remarried with a toddler with my new husband. A lot of this seems to stem from the way he feels about your partner. Is there a justified reason for this? How does your partner get along with him? You say this causing issues with your partner, in what way?

If your partner is relatively new in his life then he might be struggling to adapt. Does he know you are pregnant? Lots of changes for a 10 year old. I still think you really must remove rewards etc in order to at least begin communication. Maybe he is pushing boundaries in order to test your commitment to him if that makes sense. .. ie he's pushing you to the limit because he needs to know that he can and that you still love him. (Pop psychology).

Original poster
Remirez · 17/05/2014 22:05

Fairylea There is no reason behind it, he has told me he doesn't like him and hasn't given me a reason. My partner does try with him but DS isn't interested. He is causing problems by telling my partner to leave and go home. Yes he knows I am pregnant he has told me to "give the baby away when it's born". I am forever telling him I love him :(

OP posts:
kinsorange · 17/05/2014 22:07

I dont agree with punishing him in the first instance.

First things first.
You need to talk with his dad face to face, with your son there, to see if your ex will have your son to stay for longer.

I dont see why the poor boy should be punished for wanting to be with his dad for more than once a fortnight.

Fairylea · 17/05/2014 22:08

I think it's early days with everything then isn't it. .. The pregnancy is only just announced I'm guessing. I'd just give him time to come round. It's obvious that you love him and are trying to do your best. Maybe he's just having some trouble adjusting to it all.

BiscuitMillionaire · 17/05/2014 22:15

'with me being six and a half week pregnant'

aha, that's the root of it, IMO. Underneath the rude behaviour, he's a scared and insecure little boy. He's worried that you're making a new life with your new partner and now new baby on the way to replace him. He's hurt and angry.

Sorry I don't have much advice on how to approach him, but you need to keep reassuring him that he's special to you and will always be your first-born child.

Original poster
Remirez · 17/05/2014 22:33

Kinsorange He wants to go and live with him, and his dad is hard to talk to he wouldn't agree to meeting up.
Fairylea I told him when I was 2 months pregnant I didn't want to keep it from him, I wanted him to get used to the idea that he will be having another sibling.
Biscuit He has been like this way before I got into another relationship.

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 17/05/2014 22:35

Have you written about him before?

DraggingDownDownDown · 17/05/2014 22:40

Eh?? How did you tell him when you were 2 months pregnant when you said you are 6.5 weeks

kinsorange · 17/05/2014 22:44

Well , how does the changeover work?

BillyBanter · 17/05/2014 22:50

If the school are concerned can you get CAHMS involved? (sorry I don't know about school services) Maybe he needs to talk to someone who is not directly involved.