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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 10yo DS will not speak to me.

198 replies

Remirez · 17/05/2014 20:21

My 10 yo hasn't said a word to me for 4 days, his behaviour has started to deteriorate at school as well, the reason behind this is that he wants to go and live with his Dad which is never going to happen.

Him not speaking to me, ignoring me and being rude to my partner is nothing new but the non talking has never gone on for 4 days, I am at the end of my tether now.

Can I just have some advice on how to handle this situation, as well as the deterioration at school as his teacher is very concerned and has started asking questions. I'm open to any questions and I handle criticism very well.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 22/05/2014 07:27

If your ex is making threats towards your dp then you must report each and every one of these to then police. If he doesn't cease to do this then you would be well within your rights to stop contact with your ds unless contact takes place at a contact centre. Family courts and solicitors do not respond lightly to a man making violent threats and neither should you. From one woman who escaped an emotionally controlling relationship to another you are allowing your ex to control you still.

I think your own lack of self confidence is partly at the root of all this. You are being made to doubt yourself by a child. You are allowing him to manipulate you. This has to stop. I think you need to gather all your strength mentally and physically and take control of the situation.

And don't be afraid to get your dp to help you. You are all going to be a family and if he is as decent as you say he is then you both need to start acting as a united front for your boy to give him some boundaries and stability.

DaVinciNight · 22/05/2014 09:16

I agree with gold. The problem is your ex who us carrying on being abusive to you through your child.

Ok so atm your DP can't talk with your ds. It doesn't mean you can't have a united front. It means you will have to do the talking but the rest, finding support for yourself and your ds, you can do together.

Your ds needs you. A LOT! He needs you at his side to solve this huge problem between you and your ex that he caught in.
He needs you to show him that your ex isn't calling all the shots.
He needs you to show him that when things get hard then you can find a solution to it. That you can fight for it and protect yourself (and him!).

Both your DP and yoursel are acting as of you were truly scared if your ex and that you couldn't possibly do anything at all to protect yourself and your ds from him. Apart from doing whatever he says.
But that's not the case! Believe in yourself, ask for some help and stop him controlling you through your son.

Roussette · 22/05/2014 09:17

Remirez you need to read Goldmandra's post, and then read it again. So much sense.

And as far as your ex controlling you from a distance and via your DS, it has to stop. Your ex sounds appalling and he is threatening your DP and you have to stand up to him because until you and your DP (who sounds lovely) present a united front, you have no hope. You said upthread, that your ex (his father) wasn't even interested in his son.. he's playing a game and it's pretty obvious to me, that he is trying to control you and if you were to stand up to him, you probably wouldn't see him for dust.

From today onwards, your DP can be there, he can talk to your DS and when it filters back to your ex and he threatens your DP, you can tell him that the next time he tries that, you are going straight to the Police and he will not be seeing your son except under supervision. Your DP has been in your life for 4 years, bearing in mind your son is only 10, that is a long time! He should be allowed to stand with you on the discipline front and you must make that happen even if it's going to be a rocky road ahead.

Original poster

Remirez · 22/05/2014 09:58

DS hit me in my belly early hours of this morning, I called for my partner who bought his brother along with him to watch DS whilst we went to hospital. I had to lie and tell him that I had a little fall getting around in the night, baby is fine. DS hasn't showed his face this morning.

OP posts:

Atbeckandcall · 22/05/2014 10:04

What was the situation leading up to him hitting you? Was there another argument?

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm glad you and baby are ok.

Your dp has got to be living with you now though. For your own safety and because it is his baby too and clearly someone needs to be protecting you both.

Original poster

Remirez · 22/05/2014 10:20

He woke me up asking for food, no problem I thought he wanted a meal but he wanted waffles and icecream, there was no ice cream and he expected me to to out and get some, when I told him he'd have to wait that's when he lashed out.

OP posts:

overthebliddyhill · 22/05/2014 10:35

Remirez, you have one very unhappy and disturbed little boy here. For goodness sake get him some professional help. You are the adult. You are his mother!

Atbeckandcall · 22/05/2014 10:41

When is your appointment with the dr?

I think your boy desperately needs help, as do you.

hillyhilly · 22/05/2014 10:42

FWIW I don't think that you should lie about why you had to get checked at hospital today, you are excusing and normalising your son's behaviour.
Use this incident to access the help that you need urgently. A 10 year old who has refused to eat during the day has no right to wake you and ask for food at night because he has decided he is hungry. I hope that you can urgently get real life support in helping you to stand up to your son in order to teach him what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour.
It seems like he is pushing and pushing you to test your love for him, however, you need to show your love for him by setting boundaries not by pushing him away.
Keep it simple, wherever possible, he can play out after school - no school, no playing out, make him a meal, it is there if he chooses to eat it, there will be nothing else, by the way, what is he doing all day of not at school? If he's on a screen all day then that needs to be limited and controlled, as a reward to good behaviour but also set a daily limit as too much screen time makes both my children angry and unreasonable.

Original poster

Remirez · 22/05/2014 10:46

At beckandcall appointment is tomorrow.
Hillyhilly he watches television and plays his computer all day

OP posts:

Atbeckandcall · 22/05/2014 10:49

Call them now for a call back from the GP, they often have free appointments that only they can hand out. Or they may suggest coming out to you.

Either way the ball has to start rolling right now.

Out of interest what sort of thing does he watch/play? And uncertainly hoping you haven't let him since he broke your tv yesterday.

doziedoozie · 22/05/2014 10:55

Strewth, why not tell the hospital your son is violent, what do you expect to gain from lying, what do you think he might do to your new baby when it is born, really doesn't bear thinking about. Think of the headline, 10 year old kicks baby brother in stomach, sorry to be blunt but You must stop burying your head in the sand.

Tell someone police/gp/social services that your son is quite violent. Tell them your exDP uses threats to encourage DS to manipulate you. Tell them your ex threatens your new DP.Tell them you need support/ advice/ training to deal with it. Tell them you are too frightened to insist he goes to school as he will wreck the house.

He is 10, what will happen when he is a 6 foot tall 16 year old.

Really OP, now is the day you start making the changes. For everyone's sakes.

DaVinciNight · 22/05/2014 11:46

Ok seeing how bad it can become when there is thereto of you, I would suggest that your DP stays with you all the time. Tell your ds that it will be like this as your dp HAS to protect you from violence.
Tbh I would also talk to the police and see if they would be happy to come round and have a chat with him. Bit in a 'your mum wants to put you in jail' type of things but in a 'that sort of behaviour isn't acceptable and can be very serious'. Also how it us normal for bystanders to intervene to help a victim of violence, which you are, so that it becomes clear it is normal and expected for your DP to step in if your ds is violent again.

What are your plans re talking to a social worker and CAHMS? Will you ring today, ask for an urgent meeting?
Tbh I agree that you shouldn't lie about what he is doing. If he is violent and is sending you to hospital, it's better for that to be recorded and known. SS might want yo get involved but then that's also what you want.

And YY to what are you going to do when he is 14~16yo and you have a 4yo with you and maybe another little one?

Selks · 22/05/2014 12:40

I am glad that you have a Drs appointment. Make sure you tell them EVERYTHING and do not minimise it....that is the only way to get the right help.

This has gone on long enough...if you don't get help now as I social worker I would be very concerned...you need help for your DS's sake, your sake and your baby-to-be's sake...if not this has potential to become a child protection issue.

DaVinci, the route to CAMHS is via GP, OP can't self-refer.

zippey · 22/05/2014 15:30

He sounds quite disturbed. No doubt there are a lot of changes happening in his life at the moment with your partner and the new baby. The fact he wants to live with his dad probably isnt because he favours his dad over you. Maybe it is because there are fewer changes happing in his fathers life.

How long have you been with your partner for? Do you ever go out for fun days out? I think it might help them bond.

I think he needs to see a professional psychologist to talk things through with. Im sure the Dr tommotow or school can help with this. You also need to stop lying for your sons actions to authorities as well, and let him take responsibility for what he does.

MexicanSpringtime · 22/05/2014 16:37

I think, for some reason, OP, you have very low self-esteem and this is one of the contributing factors to the problems you are having with your child.

So it would also be good if you could see a counsellor.
You do need your DP living with you and I would say you also need to cut contact between your son and his toxic father, if at all possible.

Selks · 22/05/2014 20:14

How's it been going today, OP? Did he go to school?

Selks · 23/05/2014 19:06

Any update OP? Did you go to the doctors?

Whitershadeofpale · 27/05/2014 12:43

How's things been going op? I know we may seem harsh but we really are trying to help make family life better for all of you.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 27/05/2014 13:02

Have just read the thread and my heart goes out to you op.

Please do tell the professionals everything. It's so important that you stop hiding this. Otherwise it will get worse

Selks · 28/05/2014 21:05

"I know we may seem harsh but we really are trying to help make family life better for all of you"
^ This.
We do honestly care, and I do hope that you have sought some support and can see some light on the horizon.
I hope you come back to us on here, but if not I wish you all well.

Jaffakake · 28/05/2014 22:09

Random idea & based on nothing but my instinct and possibly something I read in the guardian family supplement Why don't you try writing him a letter telling him how much he means to you, he'll always be your first boy and your family and how you miss him talking to you & how you wish it could be, no pressure though. Maybe he's struggling to express verbally and by writing to him it may open up a different form of communication, just between you & him. Maybe just maybe he'll write back? If not, at the very least he can carry a piece of paper around with him which tells him how much he means to you which may make him feel more secure & get through some of what he's undoubtably feeling right now.

Jaffakake · 28/05/2014 22:11

Just realised this post has tonnes of messages & I'm way behind. Sorry!

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