Please or to access all these features

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

My 10yo DS will not speak to me.

198 replies

Remirez · 17/05/2014 20:21

My 10 yo hasn't said a word to me for 4 days, his behaviour has started to deteriorate at school as well, the reason behind this is that he wants to go and live with his Dad which is never going to happen.

Him not speaking to me, ignoring me and being rude to my partner is nothing new but the non talking has never gone on for 4 days, I am at the end of my tether now.

Can I just have some advice on how to handle this situation, as well as the deterioration at school as his teacher is very concerned and has started asking questions. I'm open to any questions and I handle criticism very well.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 21/05/2014 20:04

Does he have a safe outlet for the anger that he has? You could suggest that he hits his pillow if he feels angry, explain that it's ok to feel angry but that there are ways to deal with that and that breaking the TV isn't one of them.

My daughter went through a period of self harming and saying she wanted to die (long story but was years ago and now resolved), we did get an urgent camhs referral which was helpful and they did suggest "good" ways to let things out.

Talk to him and find out how he is feeling, sometimes young children don't even have the words to express how they are feeling inside. Above all, ensure he knows you love him and that you always will, no matter what. It's his behaviour that you dislike BUT you love him.

I'm a believer of natural consequences, so, if you break something you clear it up. You also do chores to "earn" the money to replace what you broke. Make a mess, clean it up etc. My children have chores to do and are expected to help out on generally, sets them in good stead for life in my opinion.

Remirez · 21/05/2014 20:07

Deepinthewoods He was staying over but DS don't want him here, I've been speaking to him on the phone, this is also distressing him.

OP posts:
Roussette · 21/05/2014 20:15

So your son decides who stays in your house?

How long have you been with your DP/

Remirez · 21/05/2014 20:25

Roussette Yes he decides who comes in. I have been with DP for near enough 4 years!

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 21/05/2014 20:28

Why does he decide who comes in?

Roussette · 21/05/2014 20:35

Remirez I can't believe you actually mean this. Are you saying, your 10 year old DS decides who visits your house and who doesn't? Who is the parent here?

So you met your DP when he was 6. And you said upthread your DP has really tried hard to get along with him. I think today is the day you start the hard work of turning everything round. Now, whether you need outside help with this, I don't know, but surely you can see that you have let your DS take over, intimidate you, call the shots - whatever you like to call it.

Selks · 21/05/2014 20:52

How has it got to this stage, Remirez? Surely you must have thought that this way of parenting would run into problems? Have you yourself had some struggles? I'm trying to understand a situation that I'm finding it quite hard to understand.

Selks · 21/05/2014 20:53

By the way I want to thank you for your honesty with us about how things are; this can't be easy, I know that. And really, this is the first step towards things getting better..

Realitybitesyourbum · 21/05/2014 20:57

Tell your boyfriend to come round now! How can he leave you with a child that is running riot like this? Why do you think it is ok for your child to dictate who comes into your house?!! No wonder he thinks he can do what he likes. He always has been in charge!
But you must change things. Can you sit him down together with your partner and say things are going to change. He is the child and he is not in charge!

Remirez · 21/05/2014 23:08

My mum has not long left, DS wouldn't come out of his bedroom my mum said it was because he was probably embarrassed about how he has been behaving, she is very unhappy with him. I have called my partner he will be here in the morning.

I will speak to DS but I don't want my partner involved in speaking to him, it will just upset DS even more. I can't go on like this anymore it's not good for mine or babies health.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 23:14

He is clearly very used to having his own way and is very angry that this didn't happen tonight. However, remember that he did obey you and didn't go out. At this point he was acknowledging your authority which is a good start.

You need to decide whether you want him to remain in your care. If you do, you need to stick this out and further establish your authority because to give in will make matters far worse. You solve nothing by sending him to your mother's or getting your boyfriend round to deal with him. By all means have your boyfriend in your house if that is what you are choosing to do anyway but this is the point at which you need to be the one standing your ground.

Tomorrow you need to get in touch with a family support worker and ask for a meeting as a matter of urgency. Then you need to explain everything that is going on and ask for help to manage it. There are training courses you can go on to learn how to restrain children safely and others to help with other aspects of behaviour management. Ask about them and make it clear that this is about keeping you and your baby safe. You can ask for a visit from the behaviour support team if your area has one. Ours sends advisors out to people's homes to help them with behaviour management issues.

If you lose some possessions in the process of dealing with this it is a small price to pay for keeping your son. If you don't gain some more control you may end up having to kick him out to keep everyone else safe. Not only that but he is going to think this is the way to treat all women and his future relationships may well be abusive.

You need to show no emotion about the tv and, as others have said, do not buy another one for a while. Read a book, play patience, talk to your boyfriend but do not vacate the living room for your DS. He needs to see that his behaviour does not reap him rewards.

You need to do everything in your power to see this through. If you don't, you are unlikely to have another chance. Then what will you do if he decides that the baby can't live with you or that he wants all of your money in three years time when he is bigger and stronger than you?

The other issue you have is that, as I said earlier, CAMHS are likely to see this as purely a behaviour management issue and not offer any other support or assessments until that improves. You need to have a decent level of control before attending your first appointment.

Tomorrow, give him an achievable way to earn time out with his friends so that he has a genuine opportunity to benefit from acknowledging your authority. I am sure that rewarding him is the last thing on your mind right now but you need to use positive reinforcement because it works better than sanctions.

You must feel very much like the only person in the world dealing with this right now but you are far from alone and there are plenty of people on this thread for you to vent at and who will support you through this.

Selks · 21/05/2014 23:16

Indeed you can't go on like this. What are you going to do about it? That is the important question. Are you going to ask for help?

Selks · 21/05/2014 23:18

VERY good advice from Goldmandra.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 21/05/2014 23:19

You need to give dp some authority in order for him to be able to support you. Ds sees himself as top of the pile. It should be you and dp (and ds dad) in charge and ds does as he is told. He shouldn't be able to order dp out of the house. Next time he does it, stand firm and ask dp to stay. Good luck op. You've inadvertently created this situation but you can sort it out. Giving your son everything on a plate had not helped him.

Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 23:20

I don't want my partner involved in speaking to him, it will just upset DS even more.

You need to rethink that statement.

You should not want your partner talking to him because it is you who needs to establish your authority. Nobody else can do that for you and someone else telling him on your behalf will simply undermine you further.

Whether it upsets him even more is irrelevant. If you are to regain control you are going to have to upset him a lot.

Remirez · 21/05/2014 23:26

Goldmandra DS has already told his Dad in the past that DP has been horrible to him and told him what to do, this caused a big problem, I don't want it happening again... I was forced into an agreement that I must not let DP tell DS what to do, and DS doesn't gave to listen to this. DS dad said he would hurt him, so I had to agree to it... There's a lot of things I haven't told you all, that's why I said "I don't want my partner involved in speaking to him..." truth is, I'm not allowed.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 23:28

truth is, I'm not allowed

Not allowed by your ex because he has threatened your partner or not allowed by the courts?

Remirez · 21/05/2014 23:32

Because he threatened my partner, my partner is great and sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve him, I would never forgive myself if something happened to him.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 23:41

Suddenly your DS's behaviour is beginning to make more sense.

Your ex is bullying you and controlling your life through your DS and your DS is able to hold his father like a knife to your throat. Until you are free of this threat, you are never going to solve the other problems.

I am amazed that you are coping with this as well as you are!

Dealing with threats of violence from an ex is outside the realms of my experience or understanding but I am sure of one thing. You need to get some help to get this man properly out of your life so you can build a new one with your partner and your children without fear of reprisals.

I hope someone who has experience of this will come along with some suggestions for you.

CheeseandGherkins · 21/05/2014 23:44

Presumably you reported the threats to the police? Your dp will obviously be telling ds what to do at some point if you're living together as a family, it's absurd to think otherwise. Giving in to your ex just gives him more control and also through your ds. What is he learning in all this? That women have to obey men?

No wonder he's acting this way towards you...

Selks · 21/05/2014 23:45

Has there been a history of domestic violence, OP?

Remirez · 21/05/2014 23:47

Selks There has never been any domestic violence.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 21/05/2014 23:50

So you didn't report to the police then? I've been through dv with my ex and been to court, also had to deal with police and he had a harassment warning. I'm not totally inexperienced in all this. Also have a husband and other children with him now too.

Not sure why you avoid certain questions.

Remirez · 21/05/2014 23:52

CheeseandGherkins sorry not avoiding on purpose, no I didn't contact the police.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 23:54

my partner is great and sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve him

This has just jumped out at me. I didn't even process it before.

You know what, Remirez? Your new partner is exactly what you deserve. It is your ex and his behaviour that you don't deserve.

Don't ever allow anyone to make you feel that you don't deserve a good relationship with someone who loves and cares for you and treats you with respect. You absolutely 100% do.