Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

My 10yo DS will not speak to me.

198 replies

Remirez · 17/05/2014 20:21

My 10 yo hasn't said a word to me for 4 days, his behaviour has started to deteriorate at school as well, the reason behind this is that he wants to go and live with his Dad which is never going to happen.

Him not speaking to me, ignoring me and being rude to my partner is nothing new but the non talking has never gone on for 4 days, I am at the end of my tether now.

Can I just have some advice on how to handle this situation, as well as the deterioration at school as his teacher is very concerned and has started asking questions. I'm open to any questions and I handle criticism very well.

OP posts:

VeryStressedMum · 21/05/2014 10:30

No one is suggesting she all of a sudden starts coming down on him like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately he needs some boundaries and discipline, everyone does even adults have boundaries...but it's not easy to do that when she doesn't have a support system in place. It's actually quite scary to do that on your own.
I can see what needs to be done but I totally appreciate that the op may not be able to do it.

Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 10:53

OP, I should have said earlier that you don't need to take your DS to see the GP to get a referral. In fact it may be easier to talk freely about your concerns without him there. I went without my DD21 when asking for a CAMHS referral and the GP was fine about it.

Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 10:53

DD2, not DD21!

TheNightIsDark · 21/05/2014 10:54

Of course you're not happy with the advice to confiscate the game. You don't want to deal with the fall out.

He may have issues. He may be playing you. You are an adult and you need to stop giving into him. You're rewarding his, quite frankly, hideous behaviour.

Original poster

Remirez · 21/05/2014 13:58

TalkToFrank Yes I have the money to go privately, how much would it cost? But I wouldn't want to book it knowing that DS will not leave the house. He has asked if he can go out to play with his friends when they are back from school, I've told him no because he hasn't been behaving or been to school his answer to that is, "I f**king will or your going to hurt the baby" I don't know where the swearing has come from because I don't swear neither does my partner or his dad. He is pushing me over the edge I am in the right frame if mind to take him to his dad and leave him there.

I've told my partner about todays events and he is said we should all go away for a few days over the weekend, which I think isn't the best idea as my DS doesn't want him around.

OP posts:

Selks · 21/05/2014 14:06

"But I wouldn't want to book it knowing that DS will not leave the house"....but he wants to go out and play with his friends....

You need to take control here. You are the parent and you dictate what will happen here. You will not be able to change a thing if you go along with what he wants all the time. Come on OP! How are things going to be when he is a teenager if you don't exert some control now?

Original poster

Remirez · 21/05/2014 14:10

Selks I know but it's extremely hard, I'm pregnant and I wouldn't want him to lash out and hurt me and or the baby.

OP posts:

Atbeckandcall · 21/05/2014 14:13

Arrange the appointment so your dp will be with you. He can protect you. He is a little boy with little/no experience of life and I think you are to a degree allowing him to control you and other adults around him.

Does your dp leave when your son asks/tells him to?

Original poster

Remirez · 21/05/2014 14:14

Atbeckandcall Yes he leaves when DS tells him to go.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 14:16

I wouldn't want him to lash out and hurt me and or the baby.

This is far more serious than him saying he wants to kill himself. Are there any professionals involved with your family who are aware of this?

How are you going to manage his behaviour when this baby is born and how are you going to keep the baby safe?

If you cannot stop him going out for fear of him injuring you, you need to get some help. Do you have a family support worker?

Selks · 21/05/2014 14:19

Wow you have all allowed your son to have total control over everything.

Maybe a way forwards re attending the GP could be for you to state to DS 'we are attending this appointment and there is to be no argument, but if you do as I say, afterwards you can choose between x treat and y treat'. But it is not a negotiation over whether he goes, you need to act as if that is non negotiable. If he does as you ask, give him positive praise afterwards.

TheNightIsDark · 21/05/2014 14:19

For fucks sake. He is 10. He is a child. You and your DP need to stop pandering to him and indulging him. He needs boundaries. Even if he has other issues. There is not a child alive who does not need consistency and boundaries.

He doesn't get a choice at that age whether he wants to go somewhere or not. He needs parenting or it will only get worse.

Atbeckandcall · 21/05/2014 14:19

Then he mustn't. I'm sorry OP but even with his anger etc you are letting him have far too much say. You're having a baby with this man and you're not allowed to spend time together because your son doesn't like it.

Surely you can see that's not right?

Original poster

Remirez · 21/05/2014 14:20

Goldmandra

There are not professionals involved in my family that are aware of this, I don't know how I am going to keep the baby safe, we don't have a family support worker, no one is aware of his behaviour behind closed doors.

OP posts:

Original poster

Remirez · 21/05/2014 14:27

Atbeckandcall Yes I know this isn't right :(

OP posts:

Atbeckandcall · 21/05/2014 14:30

Then you MUST be stronger than him.

It is your home. You have in it who you choose.

If your ds doesn't like it, encourage him to call his father and ask to live there. If you are correct and you know ex will say no, let your ds hear that.

Maybe as far as ds is concerned it's you stopping him from living there.

Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 14:33

Ok, then you need to make contact with a family support worker.

You should be able to find out who yours is through the school or your local Surestart centre.

As you are pregnant, you should also be entitled to support for you and the baby via the Surestart centre so it's a good idea to drop in and see what is on offer for you. I'm sure there are some family support workers on here who can give you more information about the support you can access.

I know it's hard to talk to people about things like this but you shouldn't have to deal with it alone. You have a limited time until the baby arrives and you need to work out how you are going to keep him or her safe. There is no shame in asking for this help. It won't reflect badly on you if you are saying that you would like some support.

This must be very stressful for you

Has the school been in touch to offer support to get him back in?

Original poster

Remirez · 21/05/2014 14:36

Goldmandra

I contacted the school and told them the truth that he is refusing to come to school. Baby is a he I thought DS would be happy he is going to have a little brother, but he says the baby is not his brother of family. I am going to look about getting support because there's only so much of this I can take.

OP posts:

Miggsie · 21/05/2014 14:40

Has his father spoken to him about his attitude?
Does your son know it is his dad saying no not you to the living with him?
Can his dad tell him his attitude is unacceptable and he shouldn't treat you that way?

However upset your son is he doesn't have the right to threaten you. Enlist the help of his dad. I assume he is terrified that when the baby comes he will be forgotten and thinks he can fix things to live with his dad if he is horrible enough to you and your partner.

I also agree with posters who say get a support worker and some professional help.

GooseyLoosey · 21/05/2014 14:42

Dd can stop speaking to us at time too. She is nearly 10.

I have found the best solution with her is to avoid confrontation. I now tell her that I am aware of what she is doing and that her intention is to hurt me. I love her very very much and the way she is acting will not change that but nor will I allow it to hurt me. However, if she carries on like that, there will be consequences for her because I am not prepared to enagage with her whilst she is ignoring me and therefore, the fun things in family life just will not happen until she stops. I hold to this line and will not do extras like take her to visit her friends or have them around etc until she stops.

Since adopting this approach and making her understand that ultimately it is her that gets hurt, not me, she has almost entirely stopped this.

Original poster

Remirez · 21/05/2014 14:42

Miggsie His Dad doesn't care about his behaviour at home with me, I have told him that his dad can't have him living with him, due to him being at work and him needing to he taken care of. Dad just doesn't care as long as DS shows him respect everything is okay.

OP posts:

Atbeckandcall · 21/05/2014 14:43

Ask his dad how he achieves that respect?

Original poster

Remirez · 21/05/2014 14:46

Atbeckandcall You don't understand how his Dad is, I would prefer not to speak to him, it is like he is disgusted that I have moved on and am having another baby.

OP posts:

Georgina1975 · 21/05/2014 14:53

Family counselling through Relate or similar?

Have never tried it myself but sometimes I think an outsider is required in these situations.

Roussette · 21/05/2014 14:57

The first thing you need to do is to stop buying him whatever he wants whenever he wants it. That is just ridiculous.

It sounds like your 10 yr old DS runs the house. You need to get back control. Stop indulging him, pandering to him and letting him manipulate you. You have to be strong to do this and I appreciate you are pregnant and struggling with this but you have to stop spoiling him.

Offer him time to do things with him (not presents), tell him you love him, be firm and never ever ever go back on anything you have said, i.e. don't let him talk you round.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8