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Original poster

My 10yo DS will not speak to me.

198 replies

Remirez · 17/05/2014 20:21

My 10 yo hasn't said a word to me for 4 days, his behaviour has started to deteriorate at school as well, the reason behind this is that he wants to go and live with his Dad which is never going to happen.

Him not speaking to me, ignoring me and being rude to my partner is nothing new but the non talking has never gone on for 4 days, I am at the end of my tether now.

Can I just have some advice on how to handle this situation, as well as the deterioration at school as his teacher is very concerned and has started asking questions. I'm open to any questions and I handle criticism very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Remirez · 21/05/2014 15:07

Roussette I am going to take your advice, every time I buy something new for the baby, he says I have to get him something too for two times the price because he is older, it feels good that I can confide in everyone on this chat board, I've kept this to myself for too long.

OP posts:
silkknickers · 21/05/2014 15:07

i have a 10year old who has similar tendencies to this - but it's ONLY because of the firm boundaries I have laid down that has prevented a full scale take-over of the house by him!

I did the Incredible Years parenting course,via CAMHS,which was great.

my DS is 6 days through a week-long xbox ban for hitting me. It's really hurting him and every day he is telling me how much he has changed and that he will never do it again. but the punishment HAS to hurt; he has to remember it, and he has to see that I am in control, not him.

You really HAVE to learn to say no to him, op. It's a cliché, but sometimes tough love is what it's all about.

Roussette · 21/05/2014 15:14

Remirez that's the way... stand firm. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that you have to buy your DS anything when you buy something for the baby. You can say to him that he has to prove himself before you will be buying him anything. And going to school is the start of it. Followed on by him stopping the rude and nasty words to you and your partner.

One of my DCs was like this ... giving an inch, taking a mile sort of thing. I learnt that I had to stand by what I had said and it was bloody hard at times but I'm an obstinate mare and was determined not to give in and I also knew if I did, I was only going to make the situation worse. If you give a punishment out, whatever it is, however small, don't give in halfway through, don't go back on it, just stand firm. In the end kids get bored of hoping you'll change your mind and after doing this a few times he will realise you really are not going to be got round.

Good luck.

VeryStressedMum · 21/05/2014 15:16

Your ds probably won't behave the same way towards his father as he does with you, they're not close enough and he won't feel secure enough to do it (as strange as it sounds).
He knows his dad can't have him there full time, he's 10 not 2. He says it to get to you and as a way to tell you he's not happy within himself.

You're going to have to stop taking everything he says to heart and getting upset about it, because if you're concentrating on dealing with your hurt over things a troubled young boy is saying in anger then you cannot do what you need to do to help him.

You did the right thing contacting the school. He needs to realise him not going to school has serious consequences and he will need to go through that process. Tell him you've contacted the school and told them the situation. If he's angry with you for doing that stand firm, do not back down, you have a legal responsibility to make sure he gets an education so this is the process when you refuse school.

Does he have friends? Also what does your partner do when he's talking about hurting you and the baby? Is your partner frightened of him too?

Atbeckandcall · 21/05/2014 15:17

Fair enough, just throwing it out there. Rousette offers some very sound advice.

Original poster
Remirez · 21/05/2014 15:23

VeryStressedMum DS has a lot of friends, they will start knocking on the door soon for him to go out and play, I'm going to stick to my word and not let him go out, I will explain to them that he has been very naughty so he isn't going out until he learns to behave. My partner doesn't do anything as he is not his father. I don't know if he is frightened of him.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 16:12

Remirez,

I'm really pleased to hear that you've decided to stand your ground and prevent him from going out. However you don't need to humiliate him by talking to his friends about him. Just tell them that he isn't coming out this evening. You don't have to justify it to them.

If he really enjoys going out suggest that he can earn time outside tomorrow with appropriate behaviour during the day. Make it something manageable. Be very clear about what it is and make sure he does it. If he doesn't do it, he doesn't get to go out tomorrow.

He may decide to test you out by not doing just to see if he can get away with it. This is a learning process for him and it may take some time. To help him learn quickly you need to be very clear, calm and consistent. Don't get into long discussions and justifications. Just repeat the same clear message until he gets it.

Once he accepts your word or makes an effort be very sure to acknowledge it. He needs to hear when he's getting it right.

Take this one step at a time and don't be disheartened if he fights you for control. You need to do this for his sake and for the sake of his new baby brother. Keep calm and keep reminding him that you love him.

Original poster
Remirez · 21/05/2014 18:26

I am going to have to call his dad or another family member to get him, he has kicked in the living room television.

OP posts:
deepinthewoods · 21/05/2014 18:31

What happened?

doziedoozie · 21/05/2014 18:38

Why are you calling someone else??

He smashed in the tele so no tele now, hardly a tragedy. He will surely miss it more than you.

Just carry on as normal, FGS.

doziedoozie · 21/05/2014 18:40

I'm not in favour of the advice to start disciplining him, I would rather you got some advice from someone more skilled first, but now you have made a stand don't run off to find someone else to deal with it, you have to do it yourself.

Original poster
Remirez · 21/05/2014 18:56

I was upstairs came down to him kicking it, it was already shattered by the time I got down.

DozieDoozie How can I carry on as normal, everything in this house I have bought with my money, I am going to have to replace it. I can't have him staying with me as I can see him turning on me, when I asked him what he was doing, he said to get out or he will kick me in my belly, with that he run out the room. I have called my mum she said she will come for him,

OP posts:
deepinthewoods · 21/05/2014 19:03

What triggered this Remirez?

Original poster
Remirez · 21/05/2014 19:09

Deepinthewoods. I said he couldn't go out!

OP posts:
Atbeckandcall · 21/05/2014 19:26

They are items not puppies or kittens he's breaking. Yes they cost a lot of money but you and only you have to deal with this. By all means have someone in the house with you because you are pregnant.

He's doing this because for once you've put your foot down. As soon as you start implementing rules and boundaries it gets worse before it gets better. You have been firm with him so far, well done, he's now pushing it to see how far he can go before you break. Do. Not. Break. You are doing brilliantly.

DaVinciNight · 21/05/2014 19:27

You are acting as if he was an adult/older teenager and you were really frightened of him.
I agree about you dealing with it now that you have made a stand.
Otherwise the message he is getting is 1- mum is frightened of me do I am using the rift tactic to get what I want (eg what on earth are you going to do when he is back? Your mum won't be able to have him for long.) and 2- when things get tough, mummy sends me away, ie she doesn't love me.
I think it's the wrong way to do things at all levels.

However you do HAVE to involve the different agencies, SW, CAMHS and agP as soon as you can.

Selks · 21/05/2014 19:27

So where is DS now? Not out I hope.

deepinthewoods · 21/05/2014 19:31

Remirez- how did the conversation go before he became angry?
You told him he couldn't go out- were there cross words?

Original poster
Remirez · 21/05/2014 19:36

Selks He is up in his room.
Deepinthewoods I told him before hand that when his friends knock for him he don't be going out, I told him the reason why and that was it.

OP posts:
Roussette · 21/05/2014 19:37

Yes, it will get worse before it gets better because you probably haven't stood up to him before. You have to remember YOU are the parent and HE is the child. He will need you at some point and you have to box clever now.

Whatever you do, don't replace the TV. Let him live without it. I know this is hard on you but if you don't stand firm and stick to that, it will be far worse in the long run. Don't beg or plead with him. Tell him you love him but that you don't particularly like him at the moment.

Original poster
Remirez · 21/05/2014 19:42

Roussette He broke the living room television so if I want to watch television I have to go upstairs to my room, he also isn't eating either.

OP posts:
Selks · 21/05/2014 19:44

I agree with Rousette but instead of saying you don't like him, I'd recommend saying you don't like his behaviour (and specify what behaviour you don't like).

doziedoozie · 21/05/2014 19:46

Perhaps give him another chance, tell him you really dont' want him to go to your mum's you love him and want him here but he must promise not to hurt you.

(he could have just kicked you then but he didn't so maybe it was a threat only- but I can understand you being frightened, but you are the most important person in his life, try to make a compromise and see if he will calm down)

Roussette · 21/05/2014 19:54

Yes Selks he's not old enough to understand the like/not like bit and far better to say his behaviour, I agree.

Remirez, I understand he broke the living room TV and that is just dreadful. As for him not eating, he won't starve, he'll eat when he gets too hungry. At the moment - I imagine - he is trying every single thing on you...
threatening to kick you in the stomach
smashed up TV
not eating
not talking to you - although he's tried that one and I presume he is now talking to you.

Let him try all the tricks in the book and keep calm.
No screaming at him. Unnerve him with your calmness. Sweep up the bits, put them in the bin and calmly explain that you won't accept his behaviour and when he proves to you that he is listening, perhaps then he can go out with his friends again. He needs to think about the consequences of his actions.

deepinthewoods · 21/05/2014 20:00

Where is your boyfriend- does he live with you?