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Original poster

My 10yo DS will not speak to me.

198 replies

Remirez · 17/05/2014 20:21

My 10 yo hasn't said a word to me for 4 days, his behaviour has started to deteriorate at school as well, the reason behind this is that he wants to go and live with his Dad which is never going to happen.

Him not speaking to me, ignoring me and being rude to my partner is nothing new but the non talking has never gone on for 4 days, I am at the end of my tether now.

Can I just have some advice on how to handle this situation, as well as the deterioration at school as his teacher is very concerned and has started asking questions. I'm open to any questions and I handle criticism very well.

OP posts:
tiredandsadmum · 17/05/2014 23:24

Hi OP, I do feel for you as I have an 8 yr old DS who does all of that, apart from the not-speaking. The rudeness is extraordinary and he is also violent towards me. He also wants to go and live with his DF, my ex. I don't have another partner, children or anything.

I do set tight boundaries, which he bashes against nearly all the time. They are, imo, Ok boundaries - not being rude, timed TV time (and now minecraft), helping around the home/garden, doing homework. I hoped that by setting tight boundaries I could loosen then as time went on but no chance yet. We have just had an Ed Psych report done and my DS does show signs of oppositional behaviour. This is downplayed by everyone else - school, ex etc - they all have their own agenda. My ex is a Disney dad - my DS is not daft and he does know the difference in the households.

My DS has had counselling through school and we are now (supposedly) getting help through Team Around the Family. Not sure any of that is helping.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/05/2014 23:29

I suspect the OP is 6 months pregnant and showing. Which is why the first born is feeling like he will be ousted.

Original poster
Remirez · 18/05/2014 00:04

DraggingDown Sorry I meant 6 and a half months pregnant I told him when I was two months. I am using my phone to type this.
Crispy This is the first time I'm writing on here.

OP posts:
calistamommy · 18/05/2014 07:37

if his dad won't see you or meet with the 3 of you what about getting ds to phone your ex so he can ask if he can live with him ( so he can hear it off him that he can't )
have you tried writing a letter to your son saying how you feel and that you need him so much ? I'm sure this will pass and it will be only a phase, I can only imagine the heartache it is causing you.

deepinthewoods · 18/05/2014 07:40

How long have you been with your new partner?

kinsorange · 18/05/2014 07:52

Come on Remirez. You must have a conversation about it with your ex with your son present. Whatever the difficulties.

doziedoozie · 18/05/2014 07:55

If I was you I would try to get some more understanding of his behavior from a counselor or child psychiatrist, then you would have an idea how to approach the problem.

It sounds from the little on here that his DF appears not to care much, he has a new man living with him which he had no say in, his DM is having a new child soon (where does that leave him and lucky new child will have its dad around, how fair is that). It is you who is choosing to have a new baby, without asking him if he was ok with that, when it will have a huge impact on his life.

Upshot is he is angry and taking it out on you. Not that you have done anything wrong, just trying to see it from his pov. He could be just horribly jealous of new baby. Do you know anyone with baby in the family so he can see that things can be nice?

Probably once new child arrives he will be v happy with it. Can you involve him in getting the new room ready for baby or choosing toys or something.

deepinthewoods · 18/05/2014 07:58

The idea of punishing this poor boy is crazy.

I feel sorry for him. He is only 10 years old and has had so much to deal with- his parents spitting up, a new boyfriend on the scene and now his Mum is pregnant.

This lad needs love and understanding, not punishmant.

sandgrown · 18/05/2014 08:11

Can you leave the Childline number around. He can call their counsellors about anything at all and it may help him to talk to someone outside. It will also be confidential for him so he may find it easier to open up.

Lovelydiscusfish · 18/05/2014 08:17

Agree, ridiculous idea to punish him. Try to get him some support if you can - does his school have a counsellor? Of course he may refuse to engage.
It might be useful for him to hear directly from his dad that living there is not an option, due to dad's work commitments. This is not a rejection as such (it's not that he doesn't WANT to live with him, etc), but would stop him blaming you for it, hopefully.
Good luck with this, and the pregnancy.

KatieKaye · 18/05/2014 08:30

Hi OP - your situation sounds very stressful.
Am I right in thinking that you and DS's father never lived together as a family?
He sounds like a very confused and lonely little boy, probably resentful of your partner and the new baby.
Could he go and stay with his Dad more regularly? Is there contact with the father's side of the family and could they help out and show your son there are many people who love him?
Does your son have many friends or clubs and activities he does with other children? If he's spending a lot of time in his room by himself he's got time to brood about things. Getting out of the house, having fun and exercise with friends could really help to boost his self-esteem and flood his system with endorphins, making him feel more positive.
And do talk to the school, let them understand the situation and see if there are any sources of help they can recommend.

Goldmandra · 18/05/2014 08:34

I don't think you'll solve the not speaking until you find a way to be able to give him some firm fair boundaries.

Children need to know that the adult caring for them is in charge. They need to know what is expected of them and what will happen if they don't live up to those expectations. If they don't have this, they feel insecure and their behaviour escalates as they try to push and find the boundaries. Your DS currently has an added reason to feel insecure, in fact two; the new partner and the new baby.

I think you need to ignore the not speaking and carry on cheerfully offering him opportunities to do nice things but allow him to miss out on those things if he chooses not to communicate with you about them.

In the meantime, you need to decide on some house rules, some ways that he can earn treats and some sanctions for breaking the rules.

Make them simple, e.g. be polite, be tidy, be ready for school on time etc, and make them positive.

Make the sanctions natural consequences of his behaviour, e.g., helping you with some housework because you had to spend time dealing with is behaviour or missing out on a meal out because he can't be trusted to behave politely at the table.

If he loses a privilege or earns a sanction, follow it through whatever the consequences. He needs to know it will definitely happen so that he can decide whether to push it that far or not.

While doing this, remind him constantly that you still love him very much and the new partner and new baby won't ever change this. Talk about times you've enjoyed together in the past and make plans to do things in the future that he can look forward to.

Remember that his not talking is an attempt to communicate with you in itself and it is probably not that he wants to move out. It's more likely to be that he is feeling insecure and needs to know where he will stand in the new family hierarchy.

Good luck Smile

enderwoman · 18/05/2014 08:34

Does he have any other siblings?

I am shocked by the number of people who would punish him. He needs understanding. Is there anyone neutral who he could vent to? I think many 10 year olds would be insecure and angry about the changes he has to deal with,

I've been separated from my children's father for 2 years. Their father left to be with OW while I have no partner. They are very angry with their Disney father and only speak the bare minimum to him. (Yes and no answers, never offering news about what's happening...) What I'm trying to say is your son sounds angry and can't articulate his feelings. Going to live with his Dad sounds like a child's way of avoiding your partner and the baby. Hmm

Original poster
Remirez · 18/05/2014 15:16

Sorry for not getting back to all of you, DS has pulled me down today and reduced me to tears in public.

OP posts:
deepinthewoods · 18/05/2014 15:20

He sounds very sad OP.

kinsorange · 18/05/2014 15:21

What did he do?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 18/05/2014 15:22

What happened then? Has be been disciplined for physically assaulting you?

You really need to sort this before the baby arrives remirez.

Are you and the baby both ok?

doziedoozie · 18/05/2014 15:55

I see he was like this before DP.

Perhaps he is getting some sort of bad vibes / fears from his DF (not necessarily deliberate) and then can't deal with it and takes it out on you. I would def try to get someone expert involved, perhaps through GP or school, to get to the bottom of things.

bronya · 18/05/2014 16:02

Appropriate discipline is love, too. Children need discipline to feel safe and wanted, they will push and push until you show them where the boundaries are, so if they don't find any, their behaviour will continue to escalate. Have you ever disciplined him? If not, you need to start now. Draw up a list of house rules, with appropriate sanctions and rewards. Get him involved in this, and then do it. Firmly and without giving in. Once new baby arrives you will need to protect them. He MUST do as he is told.

deepinthewoods · 18/05/2014 16:08

bronya - what do you men by discipline? Do you mean punishment?

bronya · 18/05/2014 16:49

I mean setting rules that are to be obeyed, and consequences/rewards to match. Explaining what they are and why they are there, and being consistent.

E.g. in our house, you come when you're asked to (toddler) or you get picked up and brought. I ask, then ask again with explanation of consequence, allow thinking time, then go get him if he isn't coming. I don't see picking him up as a punishment, but he isn't getting his own way, and I'm getting mine! He is learning he might as well come, as he'll have to come anyway, and it's more fun to walk. Matched with that, is that if he comes, he gets a cuddle and lots of praise. I've been consistent, and I see him hesitate now, think about it, then come. A few weeks ago, he'd have grinned and refused.

kinsorange · 18/05/2014 17:16

I am all for appropriate discipline.

But this boy is troubled.

Original poster
Remirez · 18/05/2014 17:22

Just telling me he hates me and he wants me, my partner and baby to die he also said he wants to kill himself, that's what made me cry.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 18/05/2014 17:25

So he said things to you rather than attack you? My DC sometimes say hurtful things, I try to say "well I love you and always will love you".

What did your DP say or do?

mummytime · 18/05/2014 17:43

If he said he wants to kill himself: first do you think he will do anything about that? If yes - you need to take him to A & E NOW!
If you don't think he will do it, the you need to take him to your GP Tomorrow. This is an emergency. Get the Doctor to refer him to CAHMS.
They will assess him, and hopefully pretty soon. They can then offer you help to deal with his unhappiness.
If in the meantime he repeats his threats/seems likely to act on them, then take him to A&E.