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Original poster

My 10yo DS will not speak to me.

198 replies

Remirez · 17/05/2014 20:21

My 10 yo hasn't said a word to me for 4 days, his behaviour has started to deteriorate at school as well, the reason behind this is that he wants to go and live with his Dad which is never going to happen.

Him not speaking to me, ignoring me and being rude to my partner is nothing new but the non talking has never gone on for 4 days, I am at the end of my tether now.

Can I just have some advice on how to handle this situation, as well as the deterioration at school as his teacher is very concerned and has started asking questions. I'm open to any questions and I handle criticism very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Remirez · 18/05/2014 17:50

Partner wasn't there, he would have said it if he was there too, he doesn't hold back. DS has attacked me in the past but not today

OP posts:
GurlwiththeCurl · 18/05/2014 19:08

This is a little boy who is totally miserable with his life and perhaps suffering from depression. He needs help and intervention very fast. Please talk to your GP about getting him some help. He also needs more of your time and attention rather than less. He needs to feel that you totally and utterly love him and always will, that you are his rock and safety in the storm. That you will never let him down and that you set boundaries and rules because you love him so much and want him to feel loved and safe.

I have brought up two boys who are now adults. We have had some very difficult times along the way, but they are now wonderful young men (most of the time). There were times when I did not like their behaviour, but when we hit a bad patch I made sure that I would take whoever was the most difficult out on my own and encourage them to open up. I have always made it clear to both of them that they could tell me anything at all, no matter how bad they thought it might be. I think your DS, OP, needs somehow to be encouraged to get all of his "bad thoughts" out in the open whilst feeling that you will not react in a negative way to him. He does not want you and your baby to die, he is just trying to shock you into noticing the pain he is in. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and help him. Best of luck.

Fairylea · 18/05/2014 19:18

This might sound incredibly naff but aside from the gp ideas (which I agree with by the way) would you be able to write to him and ask him to reply back to you, write back to you I mean? Sometimes when dd has had some very difficult times such as bullying at school she didn't feel comfortable talking to me but writing everything down was easier and she found it therapeutic too.

heyday · 18/05/2014 21:22

He sounds like a very angry and confused young man. His whole world is changing and he wants to escape from it. I think you need to try and take him out somewhere fun where you can both try and have a bit of a laugh and bond a bit. If you can break down the barriers a little then perhaps you can try and reassure him if possible but it's not going to be easy telling him that he will probably soon have a new man living in the house plus a screaming baby and he doesn't want or need either. I work with kids all day who struggle desperately to cope with their parents break up and the new enforced lives that are inflicted upon them. Sure he is acting like a real pain but I would say he is really struggling with it all and just doesn't know how to deal with the overwhelming emotions.

Martorana · 19/05/2014 00:03

He's not a young man. He's a little boy. He needs boundaries and certainties and love.

Original poster
Remirez · 19/05/2014 12:02

He refused school today, going to give him some space I am still upset by his comments yesterday.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 19/05/2014 12:04

Have you spoken to the school and taken him to the GP? Know you are upset but you have to get some help with this, it won't just go away.

DaVinciNight · 19/05/2014 12:12

Remirez, each and every single time ds has been saying things like it's because he was deeply distressed. He never ever meant the words as such.
Have you thought about contacting your GP or maybe, if you can afford it, find a child psychologist/look at family counselling?

I feel for you, this is a really hard situation to be in. I found that talking and letting him talk about what was really upsetting him, incl saying all the hurtful things, knowing that he was likely not to mean them as such, helped ds a lot.
I would also have a word with school and his teacher, esp if you feel he/she will be quite supportive.
Is there any other adult he would feel comfortable enough to confide in?

kinsorange · 19/05/2014 16:03

tbh, I dont get this thread.
I cant work out whether everything is to do with you?

And why wont you have a conversation about this with your ex with your boy present?

Fairylea · 19/05/2014 16:37

At the risk of sounding a bit harsh you really need to let his comments wash over you a bit. He's going through a very upsetting and difficult time and isn't coping with the idea of the new baby etc etc by the sounds of it. I can guarantee all young adults and teenagers will scream at their parents that they hate them quite a few times (I know what he said was more than that) but it's heat of the moment stuff. He's 10. He's not an adult.

I think you would both benefit from spending some quality time together, without your partner being there. Do you think he would be open to that? Your posts are quite short so it's quite hard to tell what you've tried so far.

enderwoman · 19/05/2014 18:56

It's common preteen behaviour to say shocking stuff to get attention. Most children would have said I hate you to a parent in anger. Chances are he doesn't really want everyone dead and that he is in emotional turmoil and can't express it appropriately.

If he is truly suicidal or likely to physically hurt someone then please go to A&E but otherwise I think you need to toughen up to I wish you were dead sort of taunts.

Your son sounds very similar to mine. He's older (and chilled out since he was at primary school) but at age 10 he was diagnosed with anxiety and has dad issues (we're separated) . Ds is what parenting books call a explosive child. In the run up to big events like Xmas and birthdays he gets mentally tied up into knots and ends up behaving awfully. He is lovely and reasonable these days but still struggles with big events.

Original poster
Remirez · 20/05/2014 21:30

Hello

Sorry I have been distant. I have time to talk and answer questions now, things are just going from bad to worst. He asked me a computer game today with a promise that he will behave, me being an idiot I took him to go and buy it, then this evening he abused my partner telling him to get out and go home.

I have called his dad like a lot of you told me to, but he doesn't care he said he doesn't care what my son does with me.

DS is still refusing school and there's no possible way I can get him to go.

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TalkToFrank · 20/05/2014 21:46

I think you need go speak to a psychologist OP, get some professional advice. It sounds like your son is very unhappy for whatever reason. How does his father treat him? Even though DS says he wants to live with him, it sounds like his father isn't supportive?

Original poster
Remirez · 20/05/2014 21:52

TalkToFrank Well he likes going to stay with his Dad so I'm only guessing he likes it there or the fact that his Dad buys him everything he wants, you are 100% right his Dad isn't supportive has never been.

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tiredandsadmum · 20/05/2014 21:55

I belong to a few PDA forums (persistent demand avoidance, but often due to extreme anxiety) and many parents on those forums have children who are school refusers. They might have some ideas on how to help reduce the anxiety and help with the schooling.

kinsorange · 20/05/2014 22:00

I personally said for you to have that conversation with your ex, WHILE YOUR SON WAS THERE SO THAT HE COULD HEAR IT.

It is of no use otherwise, because your son will just assume that you have made it up.

Original poster
Remirez · 20/05/2014 22:03

Kinsorange You have no idea how hard it is to get my son to listen to me, he won't do anything I say, yes he is speaking to me now, he thinks it's okay to say "no you're just a woman I don't have to listen"

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Selks · 20/05/2014 22:06

You need help, but you need help around parenting for starters. Go and speak to your GP, and ask to be referred to parenting support services, or speak to your local children's centre and ask if they can refer you for parenting support.
You sound scared of your son and unable to apply any sanctions or boundaries] without those his behaviour will not improve.
It will not be a quick fix and you are going to have to be strong and work at this.
I think you need to examine why it is that you feel too scared to parent effectively...is it just because of his reaction? You need to learn to cope with that, otherwise he will continue to use that to get what he wants.
He doesn't sound particularly happy, and may benefit from some counselling support himself, but the main area of need is around parenting support for you. You do need to do this; if not I can only see it getting worse. I say this as a social worker working in CAMHS. Good luck.

Original poster
Remirez · 20/05/2014 22:36

Ok

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DearPrudence · 20/05/2014 22:57

He sounds really unhappy. If he was mine, I think I'd want to get to the bottom of what was causing the unhappiness, and try and help him. Boundaries and sanctions only focus on the behaviour.

TheNightIsDark · 20/05/2014 23:05

I take it you've confiscated the computer game? If not go and do it.

Go to the GP and beg for a CAMHS referral. Then start implementing sanctions for this behaviour. You may not like to discipline him but he sounds as though he needs some boundaries and consistencies.

Kundry · 20/05/2014 23:09

You absolutely need to see his GP and ask for a CAMHS referral. He sounds v troubled, he is starting school refusal, wishing he would die is very unusual in his age group and a sign of how difficult things are.

Equally you need specialist support on how to parent him.

You need CAMHS as soon as possible.

Goldmandra · 21/05/2014 00:02

I take it you've confiscated the computer game? If not go and do it.

This ^

Equally you need specialist support on how to parent him.

and this ^

He still needs boundaries and to know that you are in charge. Children who think they are in charge become very anxious and feel unsafe.

A CAMHS referral will probably take months. In the meantime you need to contact the education welfare team to let them know how you are handling the school refusal. Follow their advice and let them know you have done so.

Also make some rules about time at home during school hours. No going out alone, no tv or computer games. He can help with housework or do educational activities. BBC Bitesize is good.

Contact the school and ask them to meet you and him to make a plan to get him back in. If he won't go to the meeting, get them to come to your home. Invite his father to attend too.

Make it clear to all concerned that you are not condoning the school refusal and would like support to solve his underlying problems.

deepinthewoods · 21/05/2014 06:21

This is so much more than about punishment and rewards. This boy is desperately unhappy and needs some help.

His behaviour is a cry for help, it's not just about naughtiness, children express their feelings in different ways than adults.

If you were feeling depressed, anxious or worried would it help if someone refused to let you watch TV until you snapped out of it? Or promised you a DVD if you could feel happier?

Original poster
Remirez · 21/05/2014 07:07

I am not happy with the advice that I should punish him or confiscate the game, that is just going to make him worst.

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