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Original poster

My son treats me like shit because he doesn't like his sister

335 replies

JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 15:44

No way round this, is there? Sad.

{desperate}

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HecateHarshPants · 13/08/2012 15:46

family therapy for them?

usualsuspect · 13/08/2012 15:48

Siblings not getting on is quite normal.He shouldn't be taking it out on you though

FiveMonths · 13/08/2012 15:50

Can you elaborate a bit? I'm struggling to understand the dynamic involved, it sounds very hard though.

Chocoholiday · 13/08/2012 15:54

How old are they? Don't put up with being treated like shit regardless though - talk to him about what's going on and make it clear you understand but won't take bad behavior anymore. Then remove privileges/money/phone/games/treats and stick to your guns. There are no good reasons or excuses whatsoever to treat others like shit. And it's better he learns that young and from you, than thinking it's OK and taking it out on future girlfriends etc when he goes out into the real world.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 15:55

I really am scared to post as I always get battered.

He is 11, she is 9 and they have another sibling who is 7.

I needed to food shop this morning so decided we would go to the park first.

THIS just happened.

DS - Can I have a drink?
Me - Yes, then back to your room (sent there for bad behaviour).
DS - can I have some bread and butter?
Me - no
DS - then you wonder why I am like I am to you.

I thought a good play in the park would make up for having to food shop and hopefully they would behave in the shop. Had to leave after 40 minutes. DS was the reason, he was rude in the shop and has been a total PITA all day and for the last 2 weeks.

I have been taking then out to different parks in the morning but then they are difficult all afternoon. On day 3 I said no more going out for them and we went to do a few errands for me/the family. Same result.

They fight all day long, telling tales, hurting each other. Rude to me and won't help without a big fuss and even then they don't always do it.

A neighbour is due to sit with them while I take the cat to the vet and I am dreading it.

I just can't do this anymore. I don't know how to. I am not the right person to have had children. And I am in such a lot of pain again and it just makes me so sad for my kids that I am such a shit mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 15:57

I have asked for help from various sources and none was offered.

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HecateHarshPants · 13/08/2012 15:57

You are not a shit mother. Don't think that. You are doing your best and you love them!

Ask for some help if you need it. If you feel the behaviour goes beyond normal sibling stuff (mine beat the crap out of each other!) and because of how he is behaving with you.

mishymashy · 13/08/2012 15:58

Do they all have their own space in the house ie own bedrooms?

HecateHarshPants · 13/08/2012 15:59

oh, x-post, go back. Ask for a camhs referral if you have to! Keep going back. They can't refuse to support you! Talk to social services if you have to. Get them to help you access the right services.

Help IS available.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 16:00

They have all got their own rooms.

They have been mean to each other but now they are trying to sneak out to plkay together Confused or tell tales.

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FunnysInLaJardin · 13/08/2012 16:01

why wasn't he allowed bread and butter? Sorry if that sounds trivial but in your post the thing that stood out was you said yes to his sister when she was in trouble anyway and no to him.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 16:01

I think it must be me though. I can't make them do as they are told. It is just constant answering back and rudeness.

I am sat here close to tears as I can't see things changing as basically it is me that doesn't have a clue.

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 16:03

I didn't say yes to his sister and he can't have any food because he is supposed to be in his room. I know it sounds trivial but he should stay in his room until I say he can come out, as I said. Not saunter downstairs to get a snack.

If they mostly behaved I would obviously let some things go.

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HecateHarshPants · 13/08/2012 16:04

I am sure it's not, but if you truly feel that it is - then ask for parenting classes and support to change the way you deal with them.

Keep hammering on doors until you get what you need!

talkingnonsense · 13/08/2012 16:05

He's 11, he will be testing you and is probably full if hormones. Make absolutely sure you are treating them fairly, it's easy to inadvertently favour an easier child. If he's at/ off to secondary school, make sure he has more grown up rights and responsibilities than his siblings. Keep going with loads of exercise, and feed lots of protein at every meal ( eggs good and cheap). Arrange as many play dates as possible so they don't have to play together. And cut yourself some slack, siblings do squabble!

NettOlympicSuperstar · 13/08/2012 16:07

Family mediation?
A friend of mine has been going with her DD and says it's really helpful.
Maybe parenting classes too (though I asked for those and never got them)

FunnysInLaJardin · 13/08/2012 16:08

sorry, misunderstood. I would second keeping them apart where possible! My two have just started this lark at 2.5 and 6 and when they do I put them in different rooms otherwise they just needle each other. Sorry you're feeling rubbish. Do you have a DH to help?

Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 16:10

I do treat them all fairly but when they lie there may be times when it doesn't appear fair. I can't do anything about that though if they lie to me.

Squabbling - I have learnt it is normal. It is the treating me like shit that is hard to take.

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 16:11

DH gets the same treatment but not quite as bad or as much.

My neighbour is due in 20 minutes. Do I leave them in their rooms? If I wasn't going to the vet I would be doing their tea for 5pm and they would come out then.

I also don't know how to handle it when DS has been awful to me and then later talks to me like nothing has happened or sometimes offers help.

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mishymashy · 13/08/2012 16:20

I totally agree with above, arrange play dates if you can so that they have their own day to focus on and not boredom and picking at each other.

It doesnt sound as though you fall into category to what other parents deal with during the school hols so dont beat yourself up, kids get bored and scrap.

As for DS1s attitude towards you, i would be concerned with that. Can you not enlist his help with dealing with the younger 2. Treat him slightly more grown up and ask him what he thinks would amuse them during the day. Sometimes in all the shouting and screaming its hard to validate everyone feelings and maybe your DS could be feeling he isnt being heard unless he is downright rude and then gets the wrong attention.

11 year olds are amused by totally different things to a 7 year old so maybe the park is now to young for him.

I would let them out of their rooms and have a stern chat but move on from it pretty quickly. No point in dragging it on, more for your own sanity than theirs.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 16:25

He would much prefer that DC2 and 3 weren't here and admitted he was mean to DD the other day so I would send her to my PIL again.

No one to play date with, unfortunately.

He likes the park still and they are good ones with stuff for all ages.

I would like to take them all swimming but as I can't control them on dry land I am not confident about them in water where 2 can't swim and I have a water phobia.

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mishymashy · 13/08/2012 16:31

I really feel for you. My 2 would sit on the same sofa by choice and within 5 mins legs flying everywhere because one of them had taken too much space on the chair. We had 2 bloody sofas so one of them could have moved rather than declaring outright war on the otherSad

They have both left home now, working full time and spend all their spare time togetherConfused

What happens when you dont play referee and leave them to resolve it themselves? How far does it go?

stargirl1701 · 13/08/2012 16:33

Have you read the book 'Raising Boys'? It has some good advice particularly for boys on the cusp of puberty.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 17:49

Back from vet.

Already ds2 sent to his room. Beem throwing things down the stairs so went to talk to him.

What? He snapped.
I said How dare you!
He announced he was running away after tea. I opened the front door and said feel free to go now.

See how shit I am at this? I really don't want to do this anymore. I can't do it. I resent it all.

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Scootergrrrl · 13/08/2012 17:55

The bored policeman approach is a really good one in situations like this when they're being rude and horrible. Basically instead of instantly getting angry at repeated incidents of bad behaviour, imagine you're a basically kindly, slightly bored policeman dealing with excitable football fans or whatever and just repeat yourself calmly as many times as needed but don't take any shit. Keep your temper as hard as it is - and I know it must be hard when they're being rotten.