My son treats me like shit because he doesn't like his sister

[JustFabulous]

No way round this, is there? .

{desperate}

None of you sound like you're having a nice holiday at the moment.

I'm trying to think what makes my 3s holidays nice.
Ds1 is 10 and today he has been up and down the street on his own on his bike, round to the back lane to pick blackberries on his own as well.
Together (7 yrold boy girl twins) they have played on Bin Weevils(they use the oven timer to take 10 minute turns and watch each other), been school shoe shopping(I let ds1 wander around the shop/stand outside as he didn't need them), played in garden with neighbour.
Ds2 had his lunch at his Grandmas because it was his turn.
Now they've all gone swimming with their Dad and Grandad and the neighbour child.
Is money tight?
If not then I do think divide and conquer is always good for a family of 3. That and constant activity to wear them out.Yesterday the boys went to football school in the morning and then we went for a bike ride in the afternoon.
Any activities you can find-churches run cheaper summer activities. The 11 yrolds I know are doing that sort of camp thing.
I will be doing shopping online tonight.

I know I'm against the majority but I've never used the naughty step and going to your room is only used for splitting up physical fights and then for a 10 min max cool down. I tell them off (we have clear boundaries)and if it's really serious (eg ds2 ruined a pair of shorts through sheer stupidity) I take away what would seem to have the most immediate impact -so no Bin Weevils for him that day. Then I will not have grumpiness hanging around in the house.

I try and make them a gang. I'm always telling them that the other ones love them. Dd can make ds2 a bit sad sometimes because she's unkind, so any tiny helpful thing she does I'm all'look how much she loves you!'.When they're on the sofa together I tell them how gorgeaus they are when they're together. I encourage them to tickle each other or tell silly jokes to try to not laugh first. Or when we're in the car I take that as an opportunity to think of the 3 good things they've done that day.

As for him talking to you like that-bored policeman all the way. No emotion, firm boundaries and reminding that you very much love him in a calmer moment.

Create your own myth of a happy family and the real happy family will follow-I honestly believe that. Take that happy family around the table and make that the focus of your thoughts for the day. Can you and your dh laugh about them being little so and sos sometimes rather than ringing your hands about it?

Bit early for blackberries isn 't it

Can't you grab a snack and then take him swimming -you'll feel so nice when you get in-can you go in the shallow end or do you have to sit on side with your phobia?-so hot at the moment, you can talk to dh later and I do think actions speak louder than words with kids sometimes.

Does it depend where you are?
I'm in East Midlands and down by our canal people are filling tubs, but muy aunty in Northumberland says theirs aren't ready yet.

This is week 5 of the holidays with this week and next week to go.

Normally I would take them away on my own but tbh I haven't been able to face it plus FABCat is ill and I didn't want to leave her. I could get around the cat issue as she is doing okay but I amnot sure about the going away. Last year they argued and were rude to me for a good 2 hours over which bed they were going to sleep in. I had been away from dh for days, this was night 4 of being on my own with them, I was missing dh, my own bed, my cat but was also upset as where we were was where I want to live and it isn't ever going to happen. I just don't know if I can do it all again.

He is now watching a DVD and is happy to go swimming on Friday so it is all fine.

I'm pleased you're feeling better.
Could you work on your esteem-then I think you'd feel more able to cope with his rudeness.
I think I'm ok as a Mum-some work needed but I'll do.

So if ds said what yours had said Id be saying 'I'm a very good mum and you are behaving like a silly year2 child, now what should you be saying to me?'

I think you'd really benefit from CBT-you can get do it yourself books which will help your esteem.
The fact that you are posting/trying/analysing all points to your worth, but you can't see it because your self worth was destroyed by your Mum-can you rebuild it?

I have never accepted or acknowledged what my mother did has done to me. As a small child I thought it was normal not to live with your parents.

I don't take the children out to certain places as I don't have the confidence that I will cope. I remember once there being an argument because they couldn't agree where to eat out. This is a rare treat. I tried the majority vote but as I didn't want the other child kicking off I tried to suggest something else.

It's the defining factor in your life if you don't accept though isn't it?
It colours everything if you don't acknowledge everything-it's an insiduous evil legacy of neglect that she's landed you with and unfortunately I don't think you'll be a confident happy parent until you do deal with it.

It's shitty for you that you have to deal with it, but if you do I think you'll all benefit immeasurably.
You're so loving and intelligent-I think you've really got the power to get past this-you already have in part-you've stayed with your kids and they're in a loving home.

I don't want to accept that all the things that happened, really did. I try not to think about it much as then it makes it real.

JustFab, I think you've had some brilliant advice on here so I'm not sure I can offer much more. But I just wanted to say that I worry a lot about my kids looking back and feeling like they had a happy childhood. I think you (we) should put less pressure on yourself in that regard. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to say that I had a very happy childhood but you know what? My parents weren't perfect. Not at all. They were impatient, they shouted a fair amount. They smacked sometimes. My Dad was starting a business so he wasn't around a huge amount and often when he was he was knackered. But despite all that I always, always felt loved and have many happy memories. I fought like cat and dog with my siblings (particularly my sister) and frequently told my parents I wished I was an only child. By the time we were teens we all got on really well and I love them to death now - and have a great relationship with them. As I do with my parents. I should imagine your children will say the same one day.

It is a huge mountain to climb, facing it and then going past it. I really do empathise, my Dad died in an accident when I was young and for years I sat on it, buried it, never thought about it-why look at something that hurts?

It just really sounds like all the things that you're going through stem from you feeling shitty about yourself-your ds might as well be saying 'why should I love you? and you're saying 'you're right I'm shit...' It's not good for either of you. And it sounds like the reason you feel like that is because the person that was supposed to love you the most dumped you

I think you deserve to feel like I do in my house-I am queen bee, my dm wasn't perfect but she instilled in me the belief that no one is better than anyone else, I rule my house, such as it is, and I suppose the dc kn ow that-they push the boundaries but they never doubt that I believe that I know what's best..

You are clever enough to know what you can do-seek counselling/support groups/self help books....I really don't think you need parenting advice-I think you need help for you.You've been hurt and damaged and you need help fixing that damage.

I didn't get on with my little bro as a child. As an adult I realise I wanted my mums attention and blamed him for being the reason I didn't feel my mothers love. Now I realise the issue was about me and my mum and nothing at all to do with my poor bro.

I recommend the book Playful Parenting to help you form a closer bond with your ds. It's the best parenting book ever written.

Thank you defineme. Your post is huge for me.

This morning all the kids haven't done as they were told have argued with each other and me but I have been bored policeman and confident in my requests for better behaviour. All okay at the moment..

The 7 year old is kicking off. Won't do as he is told. Have said we won't go out until it is done. He doesn't care as we are going out to drop dd at a friend's. He wants to go to the library so bargaining there has made no difference. He is moaning he has the smallest room. He does, by one inch. Says that is why he can't tidy his room. I have out some stuff in a bin bag. He said he will do it now. I now feel upset and disappointed as I feel I haven't carried on doing okay. I am so tired. Been woken by 6 every day for weeks and it is getting to me.

Both boys have been yelling at me so I have ignored and come in my room. DS2 has appeared, calm, having done what I asked him to do but two minutes before he was yelling at his brother.

But he's calm and did what you asked.

You must stop seeing the tantrums as you failing. All kids tantrum. If they calm down before you've lost your temper and actually do what was originally asked of them you have won

Very simply count the positives: You've been bored policeman;your discipline has resulted in the required behaviour; you were confident in front of your children. All excellent
So ones had a tantrum and they've yelled at each other-really no big deal-you have a functioning family there.
This morning my twins have hit each other, ds1 had huge tantrum over computer-I could say what a shit family or I could say ds2 helped me clean up, dd apologised to ds2 under duress, they went onto play nicely and I have a clean house in time for visitors=it's all about the way you view it-I don't think I've failed at all this morning, but if you'd taken a film when ds1 was shouting and I was shouting back you' might have thought so

Work on your self esteem-go on you know you can do it

Dropped dd at friends. DS1 was rude in the car about the house so I said he had to stay in the car. He said sorry so I let him get out and then put him straight back in as he was rude again.

Back in the car they started on each other and then ds1 punched ds2 . Result was we no longer are going to Bluewater to look in the lego shop and have lunch out.

Been to Asda and got stuff to make pizzas together. They know if they want to go to the library then no more nonsense.

Doubting if I have done the right things.

I suppose I have had a lot off "you did the wrong thing" and "that was too harsh" when I have posted that the kids have done X so I did Y and that has really knocked my confidence.

Have enjoyed making pizzas with ds1 even if he did talk to me like I know nothing.

Pleased that he didn't argue when I said no to drinking the pineapple juice as I was using it to make lollies.

Still sounds positive fab

You cannot expect to go from not being happy with your parenting to perfectly behaved children overnight.

Keep counting the massive progress.

Your dicipline sounds entirely appropriate to me, you obviously have good judgement hiding under your low self esteem.

All fine atm and we are going to the library in 20 minutes as all good.

Great, keep up the praise as its going well.

Thank you.

Off to library now.

fab you know the other problem here dont you, just because you weren't parented well does not mean that you cannot parent well. Keep posting, youre trying the right things - make sure you get a short break before it gets to much and keep going.

fighting kids are normal
yelling kids are normal
rudeness is also normal (even though we all wish it was someone elses child and not ours doing it!!)