My son treats me like shit because he doesn't like his sister

[JustFabulous]

No way round this, is there? .

{desperate}

I am so looking forward to them all being in bed tonight, I am shattered.

Picked up DD. Before we even got 5 minutes into the journey 1 and 2 were arguing. DS1 said DD hurt him so he hurt her harder back. He then answered me back lots when I tried to tell him off about it. He is in his room and she is sat with me otherwise he won't leave her alone. I am just not sure what to do when they hurt each other. I have been saying "keep your hands to yourself" lots in the car today.

I have ignored the bickering as much as possible.

I don't know what to do about a trip up North I really want to do.

Separate and punish both is my advice.

Which is what you've done. One in room and one has to sit next to you.

Later when they are calm restate that hurting other people is unnacceptable- regardless of who started it. And let them know what they should do if someone deliberately hurts them (ask them not to/speak to you if they are upset/can't handle it).

DD is kicking off big time. Unbeknown to me DS2 has "tided" her room and she is going mad that he has moved things. I have sent her to her room now.

FFS arguing with me about my parenting now.

I am so tired I could cry but I will keep calm and keep trying.

I am not arguing back btw.

Deep breaths.

Sounds like DS2 acted deliberately to provoke his sister- pretend helpfullness is not acceptable. No tv/play station/ whatever he likes most tonight for him- instead as he obviously likes tidying he can

Once he is occupied to and talk to DD, tell her you will only talk if she will stay calm. Assuming she does, explain that her shouting reaction was way OTT and explain how you have punished DS for his behaviour. Then let her out of her room and watch tv/play a game/whatever she likes with her.

OP. You have no idea how much better it makes me feel to read this. My DC have been squabbling even more than usual, and although I only have 2 (and they are younger than yours) I am getting close to the end of my tether.

The thing that irks me most is how aggressive DS can be towards DD, and towards me (contained, but still there in the sullen attitude and the "soreeeee"). I do believe it is hormones, at least in part, because in quieter (often tearful) moments he hates himself for doing it, but when asked what he thinks the problem is, can only come up with "me"

Oops, messed up then as DS2 is allowed cbeebies until 5. I think he was trying to be kind. He knows it is not allowed to go in her room anymore and what the consequence will be (loses his new bear). DD is in her room as she is still being stroppy. I think they are all tired which doesn't help but I am tired and I haven't had a strop yet today.

DS1 has raised his hand to me before but never hit me. He did throw a book at me the other day which really hurt when it hit me but he had his back to me so it was an accident. I made it quite clear throwing books is not allowed.

I think I have given up too soon in the past as I expect too much too soon and think I must be doing it wrong if no improvement.

DS2, when we were out, said "I don't like people who smoke" as we walked near a lady smoking. She was in a corner, considerate of people walking by. I was mortified and told him that was rude. He is only 7 but I feel I should have taught him better not to say such things. remembers preschool ds1 asking why that lady is so fat, the shame

stealth , sounds like he is struggling with expressing how he feels in an acceptable way.

Just Fab, beware not to lose the communication with your DS completely. I don't know why some of the things you said reminded me of my DP and his mum and I felt sad as he feels completely unloved, unwanted and mis-understood and so does she. He's now 40 and they don't speak to each other anymore since a year and a half.
Don't let your relationship deteriorate and try to see things from his side. Not what you want to hear but perhaps food for thought....

Ok, you were there JustFab and know the situation better than me - to be honest I was imagining your DS to be older should read the thread better so perhaps he was trying to be kind.

Glad order has been restored.

You're probably right, Fab - he is 9 but v. big/mature for his age (and feeling this, I think - for the first time the other day he said he 'hated' the fact that he wears clothes which are Age 13 ) I am slightly at a loss for ways to help him, though, and keep him from battering his annoyingly skilled wind up merchant 5yo sister while he works through this "phase".

FWIW your family sounds thoroughly normal and unaffected by your own (lack of) childhood though - I had a perfectly stable childhood and spent large amounts of it hating and fighting with my brother who is 18mo older, and disputing ownership of books, defending territory of our own rooms, etc, etc - but we still relied upon each other for company and if anyone else criticised or attacked either of us, we would leap to each other's defence. I distinctly remember colluding so that whichever of us was not in trouble would ask parents for things.

I only have the 1 child but was the eldest of 3.

I agree with leaving them to solve their own problems. My friend did this with her DD's and they very nearly killed each other! when they were 5&6 but although are still physical they don't do it nearly as badly or as much now.

When they say 'you don't care/ you don't love me' you can reply that it's because you love and trust them you know they can sort it out sensibly and maturely. Especially should work with the 11yo who will feel you realise he's growing up and maturing now.

Felicity - my face was to OliveandJim.

stealth - tell your little boy that none of my children have been able to wear clothes for their age since after they were about a year old so he really mustn't worry.

DS1 is teasing DD in a mean way, what do I do? I am ignoring at the moment.

Ask DD id she wants to come and help you do something - cook or whatever. Ignore DS1. He will know that she is getting the attention because he is behaving badly. If/when he says she gets more attention tell him when he bucks up his ideas and can behave in a kind manner he is more than welcome to help.

Fab - he has never worn the "right" size, but it has never bothered him before - I suspect he may have had just too much of people (holiday club leaders and the like) assuming he is a lot older than he is and then doing the whole "I can't believe how tall/mature you are" thing at him when they find out. Combined with the beginnings of body consciousness, it is just too much . Not that it excuses the attitude and the rudeness, mind you.

Wondering if 'How to Listen so that Kids will Talk and Talk so that Kids will Listen' might be a good one to look at too. I think it would suggest being quite sympathetic towards your DS and having a conversation along the lines of: you recognise that he finds his sister a pain quite often, but that you try very hard to treat them fairly, also that he is likely to be better at controlling his responses and behaviour than she is, to you as well as towards her. So that he doesn't just get the impression that you are not listening to him or trying at all to understand what he is really doing or saying. There's more in the book too that I can't remember as I was paying more attention to the younger age ranges when I read it.

She is watching tv with me and moaning that she wanted something I have said no too, she has had enough "treats" today.

Ok, you were there JustFab and know the situation better than me - to be honest I was imagining your DS to be older should read the thread better so perhaps he was trying to be kind.

Glad order has been restored.

Opps sorry for the double post.

Divinyl, it is a fine line isn't it? Between expecting too much because they are older and acknowledging everything they have going on because they are getting older/hormones/have never been 11 before.

This thread is helping as you have all given me confidence that I can do this and you have seen I am trying even when not very good at what I am doing

I have an 11 year old son and 9 year old dd and yup, they can argue like cat and dog too. It is very wearing.

I am now in the middle of the school holidays and quite looking forward to work tomorrow!
Thankfully we are going away next week which will break things up a bit. I tend to have to seperate them - one upstairs, one downstairs. I have tried to get them to do different activities. When the arguing and talking back get too much i ban them off the laptop, ground them etc

On the bright side DH and his sister did not get on great throughout childhood. (Again, only 2 years between them.)

DH remembers erecting a wall of cereal boxes every morning so he wouldn't have to look at her chewing.
Needless to say they get on great now! So hopefully this will be the case with your two. He could not bear to be with her as she was a real Drama Queen.
My two have their moments but on the whole i think they get on quite well.

I was wondering if there may be an activity both of them could do together and enjoy? My two do Kickboxing.