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Original poster

My son treats me like shit because he doesn't like his sister

335 replies

JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 15:44

No way round this, is there? Sad.

{desperate}

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FelicitywasSarca · 14/08/2012 12:37

dont get drawn into discussing if you are being fair or not - this is what they want, they are playing with you.

This is great advice please follow it. If you know in your heart and head that the situation is 'fair' or as fair as real life can possibly be. Don't get drawn into this discussion.

MardyArsedMidlander · 14/08/2012 12:42

YY to the above.

It seems as if when your son is rude, that is when you start interacting with him. Try to be 'bored policeman' and 'I'll talk to you when you are polite'

And seconldy, if they are whining about siblings going into their rooms, taking toys, 'he started it'- it is TOTALLY acceptable to NOT get involved! Let them sort it out- and don't get drawn into your son's Guilt Games about how he 'hates' his siblings.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 14/08/2012 12:50

Thank you so much, I can't tell you how much you are helping me.

When I say to them to sort it out - DC has done/said this to me, Mummy - they retort - so you don't care then/don't love me?!

That is hard as of course I love them!

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MardyArsedMidlander · 14/08/2012 12:51

Your children seem to be little geniuses at tugging on your heartstrings!

tethersphotofinish · 14/08/2012 12:55

Just a practical tip- I would make sure any treat or outing happens after chores like shopping etc. It will be much easier to transition from a boring to a fun activity than the other way round, and gives them a chance to 'earn' the outing by being helpful etc.

It is very difficult for any child to leave an activity they love for one they hate, and is likely to exacerbate the problem.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 14/08/2012 12:58

No one had to leave the park to go shopping. We would have stayed al morning if they wanted too. Then lunch out then on to food shopping. We left because of their behaviour.

They are geniuses! My childhood was horrific and I so wanted to give them a nice one that I haven't had a clue how to cope with tears, etc and have let them get away with things. It wasn't a problem until ds1 got bullied by a girl tookd it out on dd, then it all became normal behaviour. My take on it no idea if it is actually the reason of course.

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KickTheGuru · 14/08/2012 13:03

You also need to teach your son that respecting women starts with respecting his sister and his mother.

If you let him walk all over you or give him excuses to beat up his sister, then you potentially create a man who views women as something to be manipulated.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 14/08/2012 13:03

I could do with some advice as to what to do/say when I ask them to do something/or send them to their rooms and they say No, I won't do it and you can't make me.

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giraffe17 · 14/08/2012 13:09

i think you are overwhelmed but none of your problems on their own are insurmountable, for sure.

have a go at choosing an important topic (say one that gives you a lot of stress or takes up your time) and work out a strategy then STICK TO IT every single time

for example, going in rooms without permission. if any of the kids ever find this annoying then a rule is needed, even if the child who is refusing entry is being a pain, a clear all round rule makes it easy for you to manage

RULE From now on no child is allowed to enter anyone elses bedroom for any reason whatsoever without permission from the the room owner or a parent, there are no exceptions to this rule.

CONSEQUENCE Anyone who does this will have to stand in the corner facing the front door for (say) 10 minutes for the first offence (make fixed times, but they will be different for each child). Each time it happens in the same day the time will be doubled (ie for this child second offence 20 minutes, then 40 minutes, then 1hr 20 minutes)

You have 3 kids, I can GUARANTEE that if you do this for 3 days they wont be doing it any longer. in fact, after the first poor kid has been there on level 3 or 4 you will find that the others dont even bother trying it.

have a go - maybe post up the most annoying or disturbing problem you are having and see if posters can help you make a plan

QuickLookUsainBolt · 14/08/2012 13:10

If they say no, I would calmly reply something like "oh that's a shame, we can't go out/have lunch/watch tv until you've done it. Please go and do it quickly then we can get on with our day."

KickTheGuru · 14/08/2012 13:13

Do you give them pocket money?
Do they have mobile phones / TV / Xbox?

I wouldn't make them stand in a corner. I would take away things.

Fair enough, you're obviously not the type to smack in punishment, but then you make their lives at home VERY unfun.

I would look at what they enjoy and take that away.

My mother always said it was the worst thing on the planet figuring out how to punish me. They sent me to my room where I had books. I spent a lot of time in my room reading anyway so it was hardly a punishment.

Tell you what though - take away my swimming costume and towel and say I couldn't swim for a week and then make me watch my brother swim...NASTY

giraffe17 · 14/08/2012 13:14

just fab - you need a schedule of consequences - written out and stuck on the wall.

Your ultimate level consequences must be very upsetting for the child, but no long term or else you will run out of ammunition

If this is your most annoying problem then anyone not going to their room first time they are told to has to, maybe go to the door on the time scale you will devise.

They refuse and say you cant make me.

You say, this is your final warning, you will go to the front door and stand there quietly for 20 minutes otherwise you will lose {whatever it is you come up with.}

Your ultimate consequence must be a) in your control and b) feel so bad to them that even though they want to disobey you and dont want to lose face or back down, they have to comply.

Its no biggee if they dont comply, you implement your ultimate sanction calmly and without a big fuss and they will think twice the next time

giraffe17 · 14/08/2012 13:16

yes, so like the swimming - but make sure you know in advance what it is going to be or else you will be stuck, if you ban tv, mobiles, internet and game consoles for a month youve got no bargaining chips left

giraffe17 · 14/08/2012 13:16

and yes, it doesnt need to be going in a corner - make it something that suits you and your family

KickTheGuru · 14/08/2012 13:17

You will always have chips. You just need to be creative!

Take the pillow off the bed. Take the duvet.

Eventually, make them read "Cinderella" while they are scrubbing the floor wearing only a palm leaf

KickTheGuru · 14/08/2012 13:18

That was largely a joke BTW

But you get the point...

You can stop driving them around. You stop doing things for them until they start to respect what you do and how you do it

Original poster
JustFabulous · 14/08/2012 13:23

It gets so difficult some times. I want them to be able to say who goes in their room but I also want them to share their books. It is just the way it has turned out that ds1 and dd have the books they have in their rooms, mostly all bought by me some with their birthday money. Then I get the "they are joint books" and I don't know what to do when one doesn't want the other to have the book. Maybe it would be fine if I went in and got the book if they know the exact one they want. Sometimes they just want to look at what there is.

We tried pocket money but after a couple of weeks they wouldn't do the one job a day (with 2 days off each) we asked them to do so I said I wouldn't give them any money. We then tried paying them per job but that didn't work out either. I want to give them pocket money but I also want them to help around the house too

No phone tv in their room or an x box though DH has one which he plays on with them some times.

DS1 has currently lost his lap top but dh took it off him a week or so ago and he hasn't mentioned it for a while. He and his sister both have a MP4 player and their is a shared nintendo ds.

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OwlLady · 14/08/2012 13:24

cant you just drop him at the park on his own? surely he can meet up with mates etc at this age and get out of your hair a bit?

sorry if I have missed a reason why he can't do this

Original poster
JustFabulous · 14/08/2012 13:25

KTG - I was a little confused there for a while until I read your next post!Blush

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SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 14/08/2012 13:25

You've got to toughen up a bit I'm afraid. They know how to work you over and are doing so at will.
Let them sort out their own squabbles, don't get drawn in. Only intervene if it sounds like blood may be drawn. As to the "don't you love me?" question just say of course i do, don't be silly, now off you go and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Have a family meeting and tell them your expectations - chores done, polite to you and nice to one another. Tell them the consequences of failing to meet your expectations - lose of priviliges etc. You'll have to find their currency as to what they miss the most.

KickTheGuru · 14/08/2012 13:26

Can you put the books outside their rooms in neutral territory?

I must say that my brother was pathetic about me going into his room. I didn't care so much if he came into mine but he would have a proper little wobble if he found me in there.

As a result, the only stuff in HIS room belonged to HIM and the only stuff in MY room belonged to ME.

It's sounds stupid now but it's normal. I think it perpetuates a bad situation if you aren't supporting all of them in growing up.

Take the books out, get a bookcase and have a shared bookcase where they can pick the books from

FelicitywasSarca · 14/08/2012 13:26

Absolutely if they don't comply with first punishment then follow immediately with something you can control, but stay totally deadpan.

'that's a shame, well I will be taking away the TV lead until it is done/or I won't be ringing grandma about you having your treat day with them until it is done etc...'

Original poster
JustFabulous · 14/08/2012 13:27

OwlLady - we are too far from the park and he hasn't any friends to hang out with nearby. They are either away on holida (they go all summer) or they are too young.

I have been letting them play out the front alone and they enjoy that (even if my nerves are a bit frazzled at times.)

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 14/08/2012 13:29

I need to have a think about how I can work the book situation as at the moment they all have a very tall book case in their rooms which are full of books and none down stairs. We have a lot of books in this house. They all love reading. I need to read to them more myself. I enjoy it when I do it but haven't for a while as I have had breathing issues which made it really difficult to read out loud.

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KickTheGuru · 14/08/2012 13:30

Yeh sorry - thought I would lighten it up a bit

Harshest thing ever but they know there is no consequence to their actions with you or DH. There really is very little chance in a "bad child" - it's how you react to them that dictate how they behave