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Original poster

My son treats me like shit because he doesn't like his sister

335 replies

JustFabulous · 13/08/2012 15:44

No way round this, is there? Sad.

{desperate}

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AllPastYears · 21/08/2012 20:26

Trouble is when there's more than one and you leave the room they're free to squabble/fight/throw bread rolls at each other...

Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/08/2012 20:32

They would do that with me there.

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Poppylovescheese · 21/08/2012 21:21

I would start leaving your DS1 alone for short periods to build up your confidence (I did this at first with my ds who is nearly 11) and also to give him responsibility and independence. Try to allow him to be the 'older' (therefore more sensible one) by having more freedom.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/08/2012 21:41

Older doesn't always equal sensible. I would say my 9 year old DD is more sensible. She wouldn't decide to start cooking, using tools, etc like DS1 might Hmm.

He is told not too, obviously but loves a loophole..

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CouthyMow · 22/08/2012 07:54

JustFab, that sounds like my 10yo. If he hasn't been given expressed statements THAT DAY, he will argue that black is white that I didn't tell him he couldn't do/use X TODAY.

It's DD here who uses the cookery ingredients, without telling me. I send HER to the shop to replace it. As the shop is a fair old walk from the house (nearly a mile and a half each way, so not far off a 3 mile trip), she now thinks twice about it, as she knows it will be HER that has to replace it!

I have certain rules that are a given - ask for permission before touching anything that doesn't belong to YOU. If permission is refused, tough, you don't touch.

No violence. It WILL be met with removal of privileges, different for each DC - removal of phone and grounding for DD, removal of all computer games for DS1, and removal of TV viewing for DS2. Hit each child where it hurts most in respect of removing the thing they like best (not actually hit them!)

No name calling, rudeness or swearing. One warning per child in a day, then as above, removal of whatever they like best.

Keeps the little toads in line.

When they try to argue with you about that removal, don't engage. You have set down the punishment for crappy behaviour, if they compound it by arguing with you or being rude to you, their removal time will increase.

Does that help at all?

The "I hate you", or "You don't care about me", or "That's not good parenting" (last one from delightful DS1 on occasion), well I just have set replies for - "I hate you" is met with "Well, I love you twice as much as you hate me, so that cancels it out", "You don't care about me" is met with "Of course I do, don't be silly.", and "That's not good parenting" is met with "When you have your own children, you will be able to parent in any way you choose. Right now, I'm the parent, and how I parent is the way I choose to."

Don't let them get you down, just let a lot go (the silliness at the table I have all but given up on).

CouthyMow · 22/08/2012 07:56

God no, JustFab, older doesn't equal more sensible. My 10yo is FAR more sensible than my 14yo.

CouthyMow · 22/08/2012 07:59

The cooking - if he has used shared family ingredients, IMO the results should be shared too. If he has bought the ingredients himself, out of pocket money etc, then IMO it's his choice who to share with IYSWIM - but within reason - if he shares with one sibling, he would have to share with both, it's none or all here.

I suppose that's another rule I stick to, none or all. And that includes letting siblings in your room, don't constantly exclude one sibling. None or all.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 22/08/2012 08:45

I have woken up feeling like I have had very little sleep and not feeling very well. The kids have woken up too early in a wind up each other mood and moan about everything mood. Yes, DD I mean you for the moaning. I have sent DD to her room. She has moaned about DS1 not being sent. She has slammed the door on DS1. I told him he shouldn't have been anywhere near her. "I wasn't". Who knew that doors stretched like Mr Tickle's arms??

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 22/08/2012 08:46

Ignoring DS1 who is obviously slower than ds2 to get that mummy means business.

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 22/08/2012 08:48

DS1 takes it in turns at leaving out DD and DS2 so that is something I need to tackle and it is a very easy rule. All or nothing.

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nickelcognito · 22/08/2012 10:25

that can be a rule on your family charter

"children must not use xyz (put kitchen equipment as a blanket if you like) without permission from an adult."

that's a standing rule: it covers everything from loading the dishwasher to making a sandwich to using the blender.
If alongside you have the rota of jobs, then that can be classed as permission for that task (eg loading the dishwasher)

melika · 22/08/2012 10:38

My famous words are 'Roll on September'! The boys have heard this from an early age and they know I am really fed up. My heart goes out to you, I have no valid advice, as each child and situation is different. You have had some great advice already from here. You are not alone, I had to break up a fight yesterday between a novice kick boxer 17yr old and a 13yr cricket loving intelligent thinker, So I'm giving you a hug and Brew

Poppylovescheese · 22/08/2012 10:56

Sorry I didn't explain myself very well I meant try to encourage him to see himself as the olde one with more freedom but therefore he must become more sensible to earn the independence. Sorry! It may well not be suitable, just an idea x

Sweetiesmum · 22/08/2012 11:51

hey justfab we've all been there and messed up at some stage...don't beat yourself up.

I agree with talkingnonsense and others

hope you r dropping the timeout for your and your son's mental health...I'm sure your kids love you, its their job to challenge parents...very hard at times but underneath they love their mum

Original poster
JustFabulous · 22/08/2012 11:53

Sweetiesmum, I don't understand your last paragraph.

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moogalicious · 22/08/2012 12:34

justfab I've been lurking on your thread since the beginning and just wanted to say you're doing great!

I also have 3 and my eldest dd is a handful: rude, agressive, shouty. Of course I feel she must have learned these behaviours from me Sad even though my other dcs aren't like this.

Anyway, inspired by your thread I have not been shouting when dd1 has a tantrum (she's nearly 10). She had one last week while we were out with friends (I ended up in tears that night as it was so awful) and has had 2 this week, one this morning before I went to work. She has called me names, hit her brother and sister, threw my keys in the woods (last week while out), thrown things at me. . . the list is endless. I am very worried about how I will handle this when she is a teenager.

I have remained calm, I have been reasonable and consistent with my punishments, I have been positive when she has been good. Not sure if her behaviour is any better but at least I feel I am doing the right thing and don't feel like I'm a crap mum anymore.

Sweetiesmum · 22/08/2012 14:35

apologies-just meant good to get out of the negative cycle of bad behaviour-lengthy time out-building resentment between you and your son, and causing you both frustration and heartache, leading to you both feeling over it all

My kids have challenged me too(as they need to on the way to growing up and becoming more independent) and driven me up the wall... yet sometimes if you let their silliness wash over you like a wave rather than absorb it or feel it reflects on our parenting, it takes the pressure off so it doesn't feel like war. Like moogalicious, they will still have silly behaviour, but hopefully a reasonable, consistent consequence related to the behaviour will not build resentment and our resulting calmness leads to an increased likelihood of calm behaviour from them.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 22/08/2012 14:38

I don't understand your point about "droppng the time out for my son's and mine mental health", Sweetiesmum.

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Sweetiesmum · 22/08/2012 22:45

We all suffer stress as parents and many of us depression, anxiety or other mental health issues. Few of us are forever happy, calm, sure of ourselves. Ceasing sending him to his room may give you a chance to ditch what he perceives as the punitive role and focus on consequences related to the incident (get an agreement before any incident about appropriate consequences, eg an apology/ remove technology) If you can help your son be less angry, this also gives your son an opportunity to be praised for just being calm, co-operative (as opposed to continually rebelling against being punished) and could move you both away from a stressfull hostile relationship.
nothing is foolproof but if you are always banging heads it could be time to form new consequences agreed between you.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 08:20

I still don't understand you. You seem to be saying I shouldn't punish him by sending him to his room as he will get mad.

We certainly do not have a hostile relationship and I resent you saying we do.

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nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 11:24

sometimes it comes across that you do, Fab - i know it's only when you're arguing, but that comes across because the thread is about those times.
:)

i disagree that giving him a time-out makes him mad at you - anyone who is being brought to task and disciplined for bad behaviour is going to show anger!

i do think that you need to have consistency with the time-out, and not necessarily send him to him room where he's got stuff to entertain him. I do see the benefit of sending him somewhere you can't see or hear him, because that clears your head, too.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 12:04

He doesn't have anything in his room other than a bed and a chair.

Clearly I haven't said what I feel about my children so people are going to assume the worst.

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nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 12:51

or accuse you of dripfeeding! Grin

i still think it's important not to make them think their room is punishment, though.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 13:25

Their rooms are not punishment. They are a place to go and calm down when necessary.

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BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 23/08/2012 14:16

I'm sure I remember that you have told us how much you love them, more than once.
I'm also sure that we would all assume that without question anyway.
That's why you're here asking for help so that you can do your absolute best for them.
The changes you've made may seem small but have had an effect quite quickly, and nothing will change overnight.
You're doing brilliantly.