3.5 yr old DD is a bit too intense for other parents. HELP!!

[bellbottom]

Hello,
feeling a bit down and lonely.
Without wanting to ' label' my dd as I don't like doing that, she is the kind of child that other kids love but seems to be causing concern to other parents. It's making me feel singled out and alone, which I find very hard to cope with as I am already a single mum, no dad involved, living abroad without family. So i have only myself to turn to, besides mumsnet and a few close friends.
Dd is very high energy, both mentally and physically. She is also very mature and perceptive for her age, persistent and very assertive, strong minded and tough. She is also a huge amount of fun to be with, has a huge sense of humour. All in all, larger than life.
I don't have any worries that she'll be fine in life. Only that she does seem to be a bit too overwhelming for some parents. She is a leader type of person and sometimes becomes quite mischeivious with her friends, also in their company she tends to egg them on a bit and those kids start to become less obedient to their parents. She is also going through a phase of light teasing, which in my mind is harmless and only a reflection of her looking for more of a challenge. I'm confident it will pass. It's only things like, 'I have this and you do not'. Or ' i can go faster than you' etc. Recently things have become a little tense between myself and the parents of her best friend. Up till now it was great, and now we have had to have discussions. It seems they have taken little things really personally, like dd was trying to blow out the candles of his birthday cake, she told him her grandma was prettier than his, that kind of thing, at his party. I see it as harmless and i interpret it as her trying to say that she too has a grandma that she loves very much and misses as she's in england. And with the other stuff its just that she wants to be a part of what he has and doesnt yet know what it means to let him have his moment of glory all for himself.
I'm getting scared about how she'll fit in in the future. Especially worried if she is perhaps reacting to the fact that she has no family here like other kids do. Is it a sign that she is going to strike out about this in the future even more? Or am I making too much of this?
Are there any other parents out there with intense and bright kids? I read up on spiritied kids, but I don't think she fits that description, as she never cries for long, gets over problems quickly, sleeps right through every night guranteed. I don't think she is a spirited child. But does anyone with a smiliar child have any advice they can offer?
Thanks

Well, I think that I would also mind if I had organised a party to celebrate my son's birthday and some other child was trying to blow out the candles on his cake. That was the special moment for their son and your DD was, whether intentionally or not, trying to steal the limelight.

So be prepared for the fact that other parents and children might not be so accepting of this 'light teasing' you are describing.

I think it is a case of firm boundaries and maybe talking to her in advance about what a social situation might involve eg. "You will be going to a party, what do you do when he is blowing out his candles?"

Oh. She's being rude and you're making excuses for her behaviour. It's not being "bright" or "intense" it's being rude and if you won't tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable then you can probably expect to lose quite a few more friends.

I expect the other parents are ostracising you as you don't seem to be correcting your child's rude behaviour, or at least that how it comes across

How old is she? And how do you react when she says these things (the ones where she is comparing herself with others or tries to blow out someone's candles?) - at the time and afterwards? It is the type of things kids do say. And I don't think its 'harmful' but I think it is something that she needs to be talked to about so she gets a feel for social niceities. My DC has said things like that in the past and I just say 'Oh, well their granny bakes the best cakes' or something - and then later have a chat about the fact it can hurt other people's feelings and make them sad by saying things like that 'my granny's prettier' - and while it might be true, its better not to say that type of thing. Trying out the old...imagine if you were in their shoes, would you like it.

She's only 3 1/2, I hardly think her behaviour is bullying. I agree firm boundaries are the way forward.

I am laughing at 'my grandma is prettier than yours'

I think you need to stop being her friend and start being her parent. I wonder if you feeling lonely and isolated means you indulge her because you need to feel loved by her and don't want confrontation.

you won't have to worry about it for long, op, because if you don't teach her how to behave, she won't get invited to any more birthday parties or for play dates. and she won't have a best friend's mum that you can gloat discuss with.

she sounds extremely precocious and in need of reminding that she can not be the centre of attention at another child's birthday party. it isn't all about her.

if an equally bright and intense child blew out your dd's candles at her birthday party i'm pretty sure you wouldn't be saying 'oh, how lovely', you'd be on here moaning about how dd's party was spoiled.

you are making excuses for her.

being bright and intense is fine. being rude, in your face, and demanding to be the centre of attention and not letting other children have their moment in the limelight needs to be dealt with firmly. for example, any child of mine that starts 'light teasing' by putting down other people's family members would have been removed instantly and told how rude and unacceptable that behaviour was. i certainly wouldn't have been all proud and thought 'aw she loves her grandma'. at his party???!!! ffs. that has jealousy of his birthday boy status written all over it.

is she your first and only?

I'm sorry, but I think you are seeing your daughter through rose tinted spectacles. DD has a "friend" who behaves like your daughter and she complains all the time about the similar kind of remarks this "friend" makes. Children and also adults don't like those kind of put down remarks. It just gets people's backs up

If you think that this behaviour is acceptable both you and your daughter are going to lose your friends. I don't think you need to "label" your daughter. She just needs to understand the boundaries of what constitutes acceptable behaviour - not just your very lax boundaries, but what other people expect.

I certainly wouldn't jump to use the word 'bullying' but I also think you're excusing her inappropriate behaviour by putting it down to her being 'bright'.

You need to start having conversations with her about these things and pointing out what expectations there are in terms of appropriate social interactions or it won't just be parents avoiding you, her friends will grow tired of it too.

Oh dear, I did go when I saw you'd described her as 'intense'.

I'm afraid that this seemed to translate into 'badly behaved' as I read your OP.

Yes, she's only 3.5. Yes you don't want to crush her spirit.

But we all, unfortunately, need to learn about social norms and kind treatment of others if we want to be well-liked and have rewarding social relationships.

At 3 she will learn like a sponge and it's up to you to show her the boundaries. If you leave it to age 4, 5, 6 your job will be a thousand times harder and you may have alienated most people between you.

It's all part of parenting.

She's very young, you are her mum and you love her which is absolutely as it should be. I would imagine that the problem with other mothers is not your child's behaviour - it sounds fairly typical of her age, but rather how you react to this behaviour. When she tried to blow out the other child's candles did you stop her and apologise for her? If you did then that is fine, she will have got the message that it's not acceptable and the other parents will know that you disapprove. If however you laughed and let her carry on then you would be seen to be encouraging this which is likely to be annoying for other parents. I should think about how other parents perceive your behaviour and try to be seen as a responsible person who is in charge of her child. It doesn't sound as if your daughter will have any problems learning all the things she needs to know but it is very difficult as single parent to do all the caring, loving and disciplining so give yourself credit for all the brilliant work you've done sor far and see this as something you need to work on - just another part of being a parent!

D'oh....I see she's 3.5yo! Yup...a bit of direction and guidance should help I think. And better to do now than leave til later. Possibly (and I don't mean to be unkind) but possibly you notice only the parents noticing your DD's 'intensity' because some of the littler children don't yet notice...but as they mature they will and might take it more to heart.

Honestly though, easily remedied - just coaching her before a social situation (what do you do when??) and picking her up on things she says that might be construed as making an unkind comparison to others. You might interpret it one way, and maybe that's true, but the words will still hurt someone else, no matter why they are said.

Maybe get some books to read through with her - I have 'How to be a Friend' and 'Join in and Play' (obviously bought when my DC was having a few ishoos!!!)

"Spirited" is fine. But putting other people down is something to be discouraged. A chat about how other people might feel could be a good idea.

Well thanks everyone for the feedback. Wow- most people very quick to judge me for thing I said and bring it into their own context, which I see a lot happening here on mumsnet, so I won't take it to heart. for example, some people picking up on me describing her as bright, truth is she is and I only mentioned it because I was trying to give a profile of her overall character in case there were other parents who had a child with the same mix of traits and tendencies who could shed some light. I most certainly did not say it because I thought that was the ' escuse' for her behaviour. How on earth did that get confused?
Maybe its not allowed to say your child is bright on here??!! truth is, she is, all her teachers at nursery say she is way past being ready for school and so do other parents and relatives. If you try to think about my situation then perhaps you'll see that can make you feel pretty isolated acutally! Especially when she stands out from the other friends in her level of development. its really not easy.
Besides that, if I didn't take her behaviour seriously or as something I wanted to deal with correctly, then why on earth would I stand here while cooking dinner trying to type away madly on his forum!
I am a responsible parent. I do want to help DD to fit in, that is why I asked for tips. I thank those that have given some, but I reallly do not appreciate those that have just used my post as a chance to critisise and say things like happy camel has said - you don't know me. If you did, then you would know I am totally against parents who are only friends and not parents, it is very damaging and I have never done that as I have seen the effects on children whose parents do that.
Also, I did correct her when she wanted to blow out the candles. I also was not there when she made the comment about the grandmother, because the children were playing a lot together in another room. BUT, i have to say, I am absolutely not the precious type of parent and I would have not taken it personally if it had been another child. I know that children mean no harm and are just trying to express their feelings in their own way. We should be the adults and try to interpret what they mean, but also help them to conform to social values. The same goes if another child was trying to blow out the candles, I would not take it so seriously!!
I've spoken to other close friends and they say that the parents of my friend are being ridiculous and have issues of their own that they are putting onto me. They said its totally common for kids of this age to do this. I have also spoke to a friend of mine who is a top child psychologist here and she said my DD is doing fab and it is toally common behaviour of kids who are ready for school. She's happy for DD to play with her DD.
I came on here simply looking for tips, that is all!!!! So, if there are other parents who can relate to this personality type then please let me know if something particular helped you.
But for everyone else, please take your need to stick the knife in somewhere else! Thankyou.

Agree with other posters, I'm afraid. It sounds like you are excusing all her behaviour which must be quite trying for the other parents. I'm sure she's a delightful child, but any child (particularly bright ones) will push boundaries. Being told where the boundary is will help her learn and believe it or not, she wants that! Blowing out someone else's candles is not the worst sin, but it isn't right and she will be doing it when she's 7 if she doesn't realise she's not to.

I doubt your dd is their problem - I think it may be you. Telling her when she's going wrong will do her favours in the long run and will do your friendships with others massive favours.

She is very young and her behaviour isn't evil but it does need gently and persistently addressing. Three year olds often consider themselves the centre of the universe and part of raising them is gently teaching them that other people matter too.

It's probably you rather than her.

(Oh and my ds1 had a friend who was always comparing and making himself out to be better. They are no longer friends and I am very grateful as it was having a negative impacy on ds1's self esteem as he is not in the least bit competitive. I played a game with them (had to be both of them, but really aimed at 'the friend'). Every time they said something nice and complimentary of the other person, they got a chocolate raisin. It really got that child going (quick learner!) and he was quite pleasant for a while!

TBH it doesn't really sound like a "personality type" issue so much as "not having learnt what behaviour is rude and hurtful yet". Good luck in resolving it - I agree that other parents need to see you telling her off for negative behaviour, which should go a long way to endearing you both to them.

Spoiltius Brattius.

A species sadly not yet extinct, it would seem.

Oh, and obviously also correcting the negative behaviour in private too!

But you have come back on stating that, essentially, everyone you know tells you she is bright, you have a friend who is a top psychologist who has agreed with you and told you everything is ok, yet you still feel the need to come on here anyway?

I just couldn't imagine coming onto a parenting website for advice, knowing everyone has different ideas, nobody actually knows you and that you only seem to want everyone to tell you you are right - THAT is how you are coming across I am afraid!

I have worked with children for 19 years and from what you have said (for that is all we can go off) she sounds like she needs pulling up on lots of things - she is not, from your description, a child I could put up with for very long I'm afraid! I think the words are tiresome and rude, sorry. I am not makisa any presumptions, just going off what you have said - people aren't sticking a knife into you at all, just going off your description - and yes I can relate to this personalthe tare, evee seen lots of it over the years and they are never, long term, popular children.

also just to add, my son is reasonably bright and only a couple of months older than your DD - he is bright enough and mature enough (relevant to his age) to know that blowing someone elses candles out and saying spiteful things is not socially acceptable behaviour.