3.5 yr old DD is a bit too intense for other parents. HELP!!

[bellbottom]

Hello,
feeling a bit down and lonely.
Without wanting to ' label' my dd as I don't like doing that, she is the kind of child that other kids love but seems to be causing concern to other parents. It's making me feel singled out and alone, which I find very hard to cope with as I am already a single mum, no dad involved, living abroad without family. So i have only myself to turn to, besides mumsnet and a few close friends.
Dd is very high energy, both mentally and physically. She is also very mature and perceptive for her age, persistent and very assertive, strong minded and tough. She is also a huge amount of fun to be with, has a huge sense of humour. All in all, larger than life.
I don't have any worries that she'll be fine in life. Only that she does seem to be a bit too overwhelming for some parents. She is a leader type of person and sometimes becomes quite mischeivious with her friends, also in their company she tends to egg them on a bit and those kids start to become less obedient to their parents. She is also going through a phase of light teasing, which in my mind is harmless and only a reflection of her looking for more of a challenge. I'm confident it will pass. It's only things like, 'I have this and you do not'. Or ' i can go faster than you' etc. Recently things have become a little tense between myself and the parents of her best friend. Up till now it was great, and now we have had to have discussions. It seems they have taken little things really personally, like dd was trying to blow out the candles of his birthday cake, she told him her grandma was prettier than his, that kind of thing, at his party. I see it as harmless and i interpret it as her trying to say that she too has a grandma that she loves very much and misses as she's in england. And with the other stuff its just that she wants to be a part of what he has and doesnt yet know what it means to let him have his moment of glory all for himself.
I'm getting scared about how she'll fit in in the future. Especially worried if she is perhaps reacting to the fact that she has no family here like other kids do. Is it a sign that she is going to strike out about this in the future even more? Or am I making too much of this?
Are there any other parents out there with intense and bright kids? I read up on spiritied kids, but I don't think she fits that description, as she never cries for long, gets over problems quickly, sleeps right through every night guranteed. I don't think she is a spirited child. But does anyone with a smiliar child have any advice they can offer?
Thanks

But your friends find her 'too intense', so surely their unbiased opinions are going to be the same as ours.

I think as a parent we tend to want to understand, empathise and react to what our child is thinking and feeling. In doing that. though, you can't ignore or excuse how they are behaving. I think this is what you are doing.

Don't catastrophise and think that criticisms of her behaviour are criticisms of her very self. She is 3 and probably will end up great, as you say. But she won't if you let her be mean, thoughtless or dismissive of other people just because she is upset about something. And I'm not saying that lots of 3 year olda aren't like this, but you have to guide her as to what is socially-acceptable

Is anyone else starting to click onto where the dd gets her 'I'm better than you and so are my ideas, opinions and things' attitude from?

lololol @ '2 words, grow up and expand you mind'.

I have a friend whose DD, at 3.5 sounds a lot like your does, OP. It got to the point where I would make excuses not to spend time with her and her DD as my DTDs would end up upset. I never blamed the child though - she was the first child and first grandchild in the family, and had spent those 3 and a half years being the centre of the universe to her entire family. She had no reason to assume that she was not the centre of the universe to everyone and consequently, her behaviour was pretty vile. Her mother would use the "she's such a strong character" card every time she did something horrid and basically pandered to her - hers is the only birthday party I went to where the parents fixed it so that the birthday child won Pass the Parcel.

We are still friends, and actually the child is much nicer now - she grew out of it, to an extent, she also got a younger sibling, which made her realise she's not the centre of the universe, and she started school. They are all in Yr 1 now (different schools) but this little girl had a tough time in Yr R as she didn't have the ability to function within the necessary social framework presented by that situation. You say that your DD is "ready for school" but she clearly isn't - I don't imagine a group of 4.5-5 yr olds would accept her "light teasing"

OP, by refusing to accept that your DD's behaviour at the moment is unacceptable, you are doing her no favours.

"I have to tell you - no child is perfect - it's how the parents deal with their less than pleasant sides that makes them rounded individuals"

very true, activate

"I'm sure she has a loveable wonderful side to her. But if she's irritating adults and upsetting other kids she needs to be taught not to so that side of her can be recognised."

agree saintlyjimjams

My friends dd is like this, right down to the blowing out someone elses candles. I would never tell my friend what I really think to her face. I only see her without children now or at school drop off/pick up.

I echo what everyone else has said. Set boundaries and stick to them, don't tolerate rudeness and teasing. People don't like it so they play with the nice kids who aren't so exhausting.

Friends dd was cock of the walk until she was about 6-7. She is 9 now and is very unpopular. She hasn't been invited to a party or playdate for well over a year which puzzles her mother.

Other parents don't care how 'bright', 'intense' or 'spirited' your child is, they just want their own child to not be teased, egged on and encouraged to behave like spoilt brats.

OP - I also see from your OP that you feel very alone with this. It must be hard to hear criticisms of your child, and have no-one to bounce this off.

But I think you've had some good advice on here. No-one means to hurt you or your child, just make you think a bit.

OMG! The phrase like mother, like daughter springs to mind.

OP - you really need to get a grip on this rudeness now or your dd is going to have a hell of a time at school.

I think OP is feeling defensive

I think the OP is being rude.

OMG. One word - discipline! She sounds precocious and spoiled. Get a grip!

Whether she is bright or not is irrelevant imo. My dd was also v bright but also sensitive to the feelings of others at that age. You are making excuses for her, and yourself.

Katharine. I think the OP is feeling defensive and being rude

Example of the phenomenon I mentioned in my post above above, ironically

OP, going on your rudeness here, it is no surprise that you are lonely

unfortunately, you are doing everything to ensure that your DD winds up like you

OMG. One word - discipline! She sounds precocious and very spoiled. She is going to be one very unhappy person if you carry on like this. Get a grip.

We can only go on the description you give us OP, and the initial description made her sound pushy & bossy. Quite normal for the age. Many 3yos would behave like that given the chance, but you sounded (in OP) like you were making excuses & not trying to rein her impulses in. It may well be, too, that your friends aren't as tolerant that parenting is a process. That is annoying, I know.

An exasperated "Sigh, I try to get her to hold back but she's so hard to get thru to, these are the types of things that I'm struggling with!" would have earnt you sympathy & tips.

I have more sympathy than you can imagine, really, because I have a very boisterous older DS and I know a lot of people want me to harshly discipline him; I used to do just that, it didn't work, being hard on him made his behaviour worse. That's why I take a softly softly approach with him now, and that does help enormously. I have to think "Sod it" to those who don't get why.

You can take the comments here however you like.

Do you know something, she sounds a lot like my 3.5 dd and I have thought about posting on here many times because her behaviour really concerns me, and if I am entirely truthful she really embarrasses me sometimes. I am doing all I can to get her to behave better. They are only 3 and will grow out of a lot of it hopefully, but not without our support.

I also have sympathy because I went through months and months with a child who used to (try to, and sometimes succeed) bite and push other children. And I used to think to myself, and actually I still think I am right - that he was (and is) very sociable and these were his crap attempts at making contact with people. I also guessed he's grow out of it

BUT I knew he was hurting people. Other mothers would be upset with him. I had to do my utmost to stop him (in his case prevent him). It's no good feeling sorry for them and excusing it. It's in your hands

My dd is many of the things you describe, sometimes. But I dont tolerate it and try to help channel her away from the more socially unacceptable characteristics. Hence, with the normal wobbles, she and I have friends. And she's not like it all the time and is getting better. I would recommend a book called "the unwritten rules of friendship". Opened my eyes to why some children struggle some of the time and how to help. Id recommend you tackle this now whilst other children are still pretty forgiving.

I can totally see why the child acts like she can do no wrong.

Seriously OP if you're loosing friends over it - then surely you can see that there is a problem an maybe just maybe she isn't spirited but a teeny tiny bit of a brat?

Lol at the definition of being ready for school being behaving obnoxiously.

Bellbottom I think what people are objecting to is your description of the behaviour as harmless. Certainly harmless in that she is asserting herself, common for at least 2-5 year olds and in that she probably doesn't have the empathy to realise what she says hurts. But not harmless if left alone and certainly not harmless to the other parents.

Saying whats on their mind can be a very cute side of children but it is only cute because we relate it to children. It is not so cute from an older child or an adult. What would you do if an adult randomly said 'My husband is more attractive than yours'. You might not care but wouldnt you be a bit annoyed? Whilst when she says 'my granny's prettier' she may not mean to hurt (thus your opinion of 'harmless') she does need someone to say 'X, its lovely that you think that but Y probably loves her Granny and thinks shes pretty too. You can think these things but you should keep it in your head.'

Ultimately, you can ignore the entirely uniform comments on here and continue having the problems your having and later in life find that your daughter has regular fall outs with other girls. Or you can heed what people are saying and take some time to remind your child that she can't be the centre of attention. Does the fact she tried to blow out someones candles not ring alarm bells in your head?!!

I think you are mistakenly seeing typical 3yo behaviour as her natural personality type and something you can't control.

IME most 3yos are persistent, perceptive, strong minded, mischievous, bossy and 'leader types'. My 3yo is obsessed with wanting to 'be the leader' whether it's walking down the stairs or being the first to get in the car. It's fine when it's just me but when other kids are there we make them take turns at being the leader.

It's our job as parents to help them learn to be kind, considerate, and teach them what is appropriate and what is not. They all say nasty things, eg a friend's little girl os going through a stage of saying 'you're not my friend anymore' to DD whenever she doesn't get her way, which really upsets my DD. However I don't take offence as my friend pulls her up on it immediately and makes her say sorry.

Teaching things like taking turns, having good manners and not saying hurtful things are just as important life skills as reading and writing. However if you don't start dealing with the behaviour she'll turn into an adult who still behaves like a 3 year old!

Oh and while I was posting someone else raised my other point - I think your description of 'light teasing' is incorrect. She is 3. She is not old enough to tease. Children often don't 'get' sarcasm and teasing (also by the by, how is 'my granny's prettier than yours' light teasing? I see more as a direct comment designed to annoy) until into their teens and need guidance on how to use it.

Before puppies leave their Mum they learn not to bite too hard by the yelps of their brothers and sisters. They learn a level of acceptable play biting. Puppies weaned too early are often 'mouthy' dogs because they haven't learnt not to be. Young children similarly need to learn that some teasing hurts and some wont and it takes time to learn how far to go.