3.5 yr old DD is a bit too intense for other parents. HELP!!

[bellbottom]

Hello,
feeling a bit down and lonely.
Without wanting to ' label' my dd as I don't like doing that, she is the kind of child that other kids love but seems to be causing concern to other parents. It's making me feel singled out and alone, which I find very hard to cope with as I am already a single mum, no dad involved, living abroad without family. So i have only myself to turn to, besides mumsnet and a few close friends.
Dd is very high energy, both mentally and physically. She is also very mature and perceptive for her age, persistent and very assertive, strong minded and tough. She is also a huge amount of fun to be with, has a huge sense of humour. All in all, larger than life.
I don't have any worries that she'll be fine in life. Only that she does seem to be a bit too overwhelming for some parents. She is a leader type of person and sometimes becomes quite mischeivious with her friends, also in their company she tends to egg them on a bit and those kids start to become less obedient to their parents. She is also going through a phase of light teasing, which in my mind is harmless and only a reflection of her looking for more of a challenge. I'm confident it will pass. It's only things like, 'I have this and you do not'. Or ' i can go faster than you' etc. Recently things have become a little tense between myself and the parents of her best friend. Up till now it was great, and now we have had to have discussions. It seems they have taken little things really personally, like dd was trying to blow out the candles of his birthday cake, she told him her grandma was prettier than his, that kind of thing, at his party. I see it as harmless and i interpret it as her trying to say that she too has a grandma that she loves very much and misses as she's in england. And with the other stuff its just that she wants to be a part of what he has and doesnt yet know what it means to let him have his moment of glory all for himself.
I'm getting scared about how she'll fit in in the future. Especially worried if she is perhaps reacting to the fact that she has no family here like other kids do. Is it a sign that she is going to strike out about this in the future even more? Or am I making too much of this?
Are there any other parents out there with intense and bright kids? I read up on spiritied kids, but I don't think she fits that description, as she never cries for long, gets over problems quickly, sleeps right through every night guranteed. I don't think she is a spirited child. But does anyone with a smiliar child have any advice they can offer?
Thanks

appreciate that other people see your positives about your child as negatives and deal with them from what you have said she is

exhausting
Dd is very high energy, both mentally and physically.

precocious
She is also very mature and perceptive for her age, persistent and very assertive, strong minded and tough.

cheeky
mischeivious with her friends, also in their company

bad example
she tends to egg them on a bit and those kids start to become less obedient to their parents.

rude and mean
She is also going through a phase of light teasing

out of order
like dd was trying to blow out the candles of his birthday cake, she told him her grandma was prettier than his, that kind of thing, at his party.

this is not harmless and becaues you see it as harmless you have and will continue to have a problem

she is only 3 and a half - deal with her - pull her away when she's acting like this and say NO

she'll learn how to behave properly given the right encouragement

oops sorry laptop went haywire on spellings in my first post!

I am confident that the issue here is a parent who does not see her child as being in the wrong

I have to tell you - no child is perfect - it's how the parents deal with their less than pleasant sides that makes them rounded individuals

so take a deep breath and deal with the quite natural but quite horrid bits of her current behaviour

it's not your daughter, it's you that is at fault here

i've got three extraordinarily bright children who were ready for school long before stat school age (the nursery attempted to fast track with the lea without my knowledge when ds1 was 3 as he was so cognitively advanced. in yr r they assessed dd2 as working between 5 and 7 years ahead of her peers across the board. dd1 is still on the regional g&t mentoring programme)

but they weren't rude. and they didn't taunt.

poor us with our less than bright offspring, eh...

boundaries, op. teach them. it's not horrific at 3, but the fact that your friends are feeling her behaviour is unacceptable, is well, pretty much a good indicator that in some situations her behaviour is, well, unacceptable.

i love a good drip feed though. top child psychologist, eh? you probably want to nurture that friendship and rule out the others.

Sorry OP if you don't like what people are telling you but your child's behaviour does not sound that pleasant. Think about what people have said without trying to take it personally. Up to you but the majority of people are trying to tell you that you should not be making excuses and rationalising these behaviours.

Good post, activate.

No one is going to tell you that it's ok and that she doesn't need correcting. Because its not and she does. It's called parenting and it can be dull as hell and painful too.

its up to you though, you're worried that people are responding in a negative way towards your child, you've asked the question here and all posters have told you that you need to correct this behaviour, she needs to be taught how to act. Turning that into knives in your back is a bit daft.

Saying they're ready for school is a phase people use when a child needs a bit of a break on their behaviour. My dad would put it as "needs sitting on", or getting "above themselves".

I've not heard it used (except by parents about their own child) to mean that they think this child is bright.

Thanks again. Mostly summaries of doom and gloom. Maxy brown - if you re so experienced with kids then surely you have something positive to offer in the way of tips and advice? All you've done is rip me apart and try and make me fear for the future!
Very little in the way of tips here, which is why I came on.
Lookattheears - 2 words, grow up and expand you mind.
MerryMArigold - I like your suggestion thanks. I was doing this the other day with DD at home - some role play, involving practicing saying nice things to each other and she did enjoy iy. I never thought about doing it with direct rewards like a raisin, which I might try and feel could work, so great ;-)

I think most people here are giving you advice based on personal experience - experience of a child behaving like yours around our children and letting you know how unpleasant it is.

Your daughter is being rude. The 'helpful tips' you are looking for have been given. You need to tell your child that she is being rude, you need to tell her when she has gone too far and you need to work with her to understand how social situations work and how you should treat and speak to other people, no matter what their age.

People are giving you advice. You just don't like it.

bellbottom

The behaviour you describe is that off an illdisciplined spoilt brat.
Luckily, you have time to change it.

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like your DD has issues relating to a personality trait, she is just going through a bit of a cheeky, precocious phase, which a lot of 3 and 4yos do IME. Also IME, the reason other parents get miffed in situations like this is not because the child is being cheeky but because the parent isn't dealing with it strongly enough.

When you use words such as children 'are just trying to express their feelings in their own way' in relation to difficult behaviour, it does make it sound like you are not being particularly firm.

My advice, which I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear going by your last few posts, is to set firmer boundaries about what is acceptable socially, pull your DD up immediately on any bad behaviour, try to encourage empathy in relation to how teasing/rudeness/cheeky can upset other children/parents. By just putting this down as a personality trait, you are effectively excusing it. It is bad behaviour, it is not uncommon, and its needs to be dealt with firmly.

You dont need to fear for the future.
You just need to teach your DD its not okay to do those things, or she is going to end up alienating all her friends.

hope you all got it out of your systems. I think I'll stick to friends who know my child for advice and who always give me unbiased opinions.
None of you know my child and she is not at all how you describe her. You've taken it the wrong way. When I came on this thread I was focusing on the things that are mostly on my mind and trying to be quick. I didn't also tell you about all the wonderful things about her that make her very lovable and its not just the kids that love her but the parents too. She is popular for a reason and I see this as a small part of her character, but none the less, something I want to avoid getting out of control. Its only 2 parents that have concerns about this one particular point. I just didn't want it to escalate which is why I came on here. Its sad that so many of you insist on fitting her into a spoilt brat bracket. She is far from that.

Every child has a lovable, wonderful side to them. Even the rude ones.

friends simply don't give unbiased opinions - because they want to remain friends

I merely responded to your description in your OP

I have a lot of experience with children

You will do what you want but somewhere at the back of your mind you will take in some of the comments and hopefully help your child become a rounded individual who is liked

if you choose not to then it's a big shame for you, your child and society

but you have the chance that her peers will smooth out her rough edges when she gets into school

good luck

she sounds like a pain in the arse. teach her some manners and she'll go far in life.

Oh she sounds hard work - normal but hard work.

Firm boundaries - especially when her behaviour affects other people. Some children find that 'everything I have and do is better than you' that some kids do upsetting. I must admit it makes my teeth itch when I hear a child doing it and ds2 (who had the potential to be extremely irritating if he ever won something) was given a pretty zero tolerance response to that. It's not nice, it's rude. Yes it is to be expected in young children who haven't yet learned social rules - but definitely up to us to correct.

Take off to the rose tinted specs and imagine a chikd unrelated to you upsetting your child with behaviour similar to your dd's. What woukd you want to happen?

Is it at al possible Bellbottom that youu are spending too much time talking to her like a small adult?

oh bellbottom. i am laughing so hard at this thread, sorry. especially this: I think I'll stick to friends who know my child for advice and who always give me unbiased opinions.

i appreciate that it's probably harder for you to see your daughter's bad points than most, given the situation you describe (single parent in a foreign country). i imagine she is the centre of your world. none of like disciplining our children, because we love them. but as parents we should love them enough to guide them in their behaviour.

your daughter's behaviour will have its bad points. everyone's does. it is up to you to recognise and correct it. accept these things and you will both be happier for it.

bellbottom, while I think some of the replies on here have been OTT (not surprising given it's an anonymous internet forum) I also think you have been given some sound advice. You did give the impression in your OP that you had witnessed some of this less pleasant behaviour and done nothing to intervene, so it's not surprising again that some pulled you up on this.

I do worry about your comment, "I know that children mean no harm and are just trying to express their feelings in their own way". Hmm. Having (as a child) been on the receiving end of these comments even if the child in question didn't mean any harm (and at 3.5 she is probably not aware of the impact these comments could have), in the future they absolutely will do harm. This is where people have advised that you help your dd understand what is and isn't appropriate in a social situation.

I'm sure she has a loveable wonderful side to her. But if she's irritating adults and upsetting other kids she needs to be taught not to so that side of her can be recognised.

OP putting aside how bright and charming you feel she is, the fact remains that if other parents find her hard work / upsetting their children, you will both be excluded socially which is not good for either of you.

You clearly love your DD and want to fix this for her.

Gentle coaching on manners / being kind / talking through social situations before and after is all that is required, if she is missing social cues.