AIBU to ‘steal’ a baby name

[peppapeeej]

My sister has always liked a particular name for her ‘future child’. I love the name as a middle name for my daughter due next month. I mentioned it to parents and they immediately said sister would be so so hurt etc etc. It’s the only middle name I like with the first name we’re using and I have racked my brain for months over this.

If it’s relevant I do not care if she uses it in the future but imo her ‘future child’ is a hypothetical thing especially as she has expressed she’s not even sure she wants children in the first place. Feel so silly posting this but would like to know if I’m being unreasonable here.

Also no I won’t be saying the name as it’s outing

OP your sister won’t thank you for deciding not to use the name — she’ll probably think “ more fool her”.
Second names just don’t have the status of first names and not many people I know would be bothered unless they feel they might be accused of copying. In your case this a popular and well used name.
Given all the circumstances just go ahead and use the names you want. Blame DH if you feel you need to.
Avoid any drama by instructing that she is not a welcome visitor in the hospital after the birth.
Good luck

You are being unreasonable. Your poor sister.

She will likely have kids and it has been her favourite for a long time. Why would you take it away from her especially as it's just a middle name and therefore not nearly as important. It seems mean and petty, to be honest.

It would have been a different story if it had been your favourite for a long time as well but that's clearly not the case here. It's like you are trying on purpose to do something awful to your sister.

I have finished reading the entire thread.

If this is for real, which I am not sure about because the posts sound like written by a young teenager, please get help and get family therapy.

It doesn't sound like your main motivation is you liking the name but you wanting to get back at your sister. You seem selfish. Ever thought about how your daughter would feel about a name you just used to get back at her aunt?

well you can’t have read the thread because you’re saying the name is being used to get back at my sister which i’ve said time and time again it. is. not.

imagine liking the same name as someone else - impossible!

Have you tried asking your sister how she would feel about it?

Otherwise, I think your options are to weigh up which matters more to you - using a name you don't like as much and keeping what little peace there seems to be, or using the name your sister likes and getting a lot of grief from your sister and your family.

no as still not speaking to her so if we did start speaking again i definitely wouldn’t start the conversation with something that my mum is adamant will annoy her

that’s the thing i don’t really have that much to do with her these days anyway so i don’t even personally think there will be agro or if there is it’ll be one bitchy message from her which i can live with

I did read every single post and what you're saying is often not matching up with something you said earlier and reading between the lines you just get a certain impression that many other people here are sharing.

Honestly, if you pick the name it will forever be associated with this family feud of yours. Do your daughter a favour and pick something else. I would hate to have a name associated with so much anger, drama and spitefulness.

Also, the name clearly reminds you of your sister so why would you pick it given that you have a very problematic relationship.

This will be my last post here because I don't see much sense discussing this further but I suggest another name and family therapy.

No and it does seem dickish that out of every name in the entire world you decide that the one single name she has said is now the only one you like for a middle name.

Suck it up and use a different one. We dont all get our first choice of names anyway.

Start a new thread asking for short middle name ideas that don't start with vowels and see what suggestions you like. I wouldn't be bothered with the drama of this.

My son has my dad's name as his middle name and I think that's what middle names are for tbh. Would have never picked a random one with no meaning.

Why did you start this thread?

to ask for standard opinions, not to be called twatty/bitchy/told to not give my child a middle name at all to people please etc etc

You're getting a lot of hate and strange replies here. People telling you they know your own thoughts better than you do - which is actually creepy. It sounds like you have acommodated your sister in very significant ways over the years and your mum has enabled your sister to feel entitled to having her way and dictating to everyone. You're chosing a middle name you really love and this doesn't prevent your sister from using it in the future, since middle names are generally never mentioned aside from on documents. You know there will be a drama and backlash from your sister and your mum, and you will be painted as a villain, so the question is are you ready for that and how will you handle it? This may well be the first time you've stood up for yourself in your family as an adult, and it might not be a bad thing because if it was insisted you change your wedding day there is little doubt there will be more of those demands made of you in future. If you have difficult family members at some point you will need to stop aquiescing to their demands and live your own life. You may need to be prepared that they all stop speaking to you but maybe that will give you some peace to enjoy your children.
Good luck.

You're clearly going to use the name and dripfeed information until you get the answer you want.

In that sense, if you aren't genuinely trying to weigh up whether to use the name, there was no point in starting the thread.

As I said earlier, @peppapeeej - why it tell us the first name and see if we can come up with some other middle names you might not have thought of yet?

Very unreasonable and so not worth it. At the very least I'd consider going to a therapist before landing your dd with a name that will cause such resentment.

well you can’t have read the thread because you’re saying the name is being used to get back at my sister which i’ve said time and time again it. is. not.
It IS a bonus though which is abundantly clear with every post you make 🙄

Use the name, don't use the name but don't pretend you don't feel secretly pleased that you can 'get her back' by doing something that you know will upset her.

F me!! it’s a name. bloody therapist 😂😂

It's not about the name, it's about the very transparent motives behind the choice.

While I do agree that you come off as immature in some of the responses I do think people have been mean. Sometimes people don't always express themselves well and trying to correct it in the following posts doesn't always help. If your sister has multiple names she likes then it's unfair to mark them all off but in your original post it sounds like she's always liked this particular name whereas to you it's more recent when you came to selecting names.

Personally, I wouldn't care if someone used a name I liked as a middle name as the child is unlikely to be known as that. People dwell too much over middle names. If I were you I would choose something else as there would be a negative feeling attached to the name with all this family drama however I get the feeling that you won't as it might feel like giving into yet more control from your family.

If your sister is the type to phone up your mum and threaten suicide to get you to do things then she doesn't seem like a positive influence in your life and one that you should't go out of the way to accommodate. So I think there are bigger issues here than whether you choose the name or not.

Do NOT say this.

'not sure if I want/I don't want' children is often easier to say than I can't get fucking pregnant.

@peppapeeej you're being unkind & ridiculous. Billions of names in the world, there will be plenty that 'go' with your chosen girls name. Or use your/your DH's mums/grannies names.

you DO NOT need to use your sisters chosen baby name.

This^

This^

Personally I wouldn't. As other posters have said, it's just a middle name. I don't have a middle name and it's never affected my life. I think I've been asked about 3 times in 32 years what my middle name is.

But it sounds like you don't really care... which is fine too! I wouldn't care if someone used a name I liked as a middle name, or even as a first name. But if your sister was threatening to kill herself because you were getting married in the same season as her, how do you think this news would affect her? Is it worth the fallout/how upset she'd be? Wouldn't it be more satisfying to just be the bigger person and pick a different name and avoid a big drama?

I also don't understand why she has a name list that she actually takes seriously or cares about at all if she wants to kill her hypothetical alien child so.. I dunno. All seems strange.

If you like the name, there's not a single other name out there that will do as a middle name, and you don't really care about the fallout it may cause/cant speak to your sister to get her opinion (maybe she doesnt even like that name anymore), crack on and use the name!

OP just do what you want. This thread is irrelevant.

I'm really surprised at the replies you have received. Usually the status quo on here is 'nobody owns a name' when someone is upset their sibling or best friend due a week before them has blatantly stolen their very unusual and long loved chosen name. So the fact you want to use a typical generic filler name, and are being told it's vindictive because your sibling who isn't TTC and might not ever has it on her imaginary shortlist (not even her number one name) is downright bizarre.

However, your relationship with your sister sounds complicated, she sounds very difficult and you have been expected to put yourself out time and time again so as not to make her jealous. Your mother, bizarrely sounds like she is complicit in this. Does she just want an easy life or did she have the same jealous dynamic with her own younger sibling I wonder? I know you are no contact with her at the moment, but I honestly think your best course of action is to send her a message about it, explaining you'd be happy for her to still use it in the future for a first name should she chose to and possibly asking for her blessing. Giving her that control over the decision might be enough for her to not be a dick and help with the jealousy? I don't think you owe her this at all, but I think it will be easier for you. If she kicks off and says no, you shouldn't listen, but it gives her an easy opportunity to be the bigger person, and it sounds like she has an ego that requires that.

In my experience all of her behaviour is jealousy and low self esteem. No excuse for any of it, and I really feel for you that you have to deal with it, but I've only known people who desperately want children to say crass things about abortion as a defence mechanism. They won't dare admit any vulnerability. A 'friend' said exactly the same to me about me having a weird alien and how she'd drown any baby of hers in a bucket etc she then behaved like mother earth when she became pregnant soon after. If it was a friend I'd say cut them out and move on. Often this is the best course of action for family too, you just need to decide if it's at that stage yet.