AIBU to ‘steal’ a baby name

[peppapeeej]

My sister has always liked a particular name for her ‘future child’. I love the name as a middle name for my daughter due next month. I mentioned it to parents and they immediately said sister would be so so hurt etc etc. It’s the only middle name I like with the first name we’re using and I have racked my brain for months over this.

If it’s relevant I do not care if she uses it in the future but imo her ‘future child’ is a hypothetical thing especially as she has expressed she’s not even sure she wants children in the first place. Feel so silly posting this but would like to know if I’m being unreasonable here.

Also no I won’t be saying the name as it’s outing

This sounds like a petty sister squabble. It’s like you are trying to paint her in a bad light. I’m sure your mum will identify this as you without the name so no reason why it can’t be shared. You have a come back for everything so clearly have made your mind up. If your mums opinion won’t stop you then nothing we say can.

You're just going to cause unnecessary stress and tension by using the name. Use another name, there are millions that fit the description - Joy, Faith, Rose etc.

You're coming across as mean and petty the way you're talking about your sister. The obvious thing would be to talk to her but you're not getting along and you want to add fuel to the fire. Can you be and adult and let it go, focus on the fact you're having a beautiful baby, and just pick another name?

if they care more about the middle name than enjoying their new family member?

And it works both ways, you care more about a filler/common/middle name than your sister's feelings. One that has no sentimental value, no meaning, you just like it.

You both sound very young. Are you?

It's your choice but it would make your relationship with your sister much worse than it already is. I am guessing your mum would side with your sister too.

Is it really worth it?

Seems like you just like the way it sounds but it has no particular meaning to you. You want to use it as a middle name rather than a first name because you quite like it but not enough to use daily as a first name the way your sister would. Your sister has told you she wants to use this name when she has kids but you are choosing to ignore this because she said she might not have kids. Even though we all know that people who don't want kids don't pick kids names for their future children. And people who don't want kids don't have their mothers telling you that it would hurt them were you to choose that name.

Yeah I think it's a shitty thing to do and you're very aware of it. That is why they'd be annoyed with you, not out of lack of care for your baby but because you've come across as having purposefully been a bit spiteful. Normally I'm of the opinion that noone owns a name and were there any particular significance to this name then I would probably get it. But there isn't for you, there is for her. So just choose another name or don't give a middle name at all. Or if you want this to be the hill that your family relationships die on then you do you.

No neither of us are particularly young. Suppose I just feel a bit salty about my mum effectively telling me I can’t use a baby name because of my sister as I was also backed into cancelling my wedding last year as it was two months before my sisters despite me having booked mine first (but my sisters wedding absolutely had to come first according to my mum as she’s the older sister and told my mum she would be devastated if i got married first - my sister absolutely had to have a certain date and could not even comprehend me getting married within the same season as her lol).

so yes i probably am coming across as bitter and immature but i do feel like every single thing i do seems to be vetoed in order to accommodate my sisters feelings and i genuinely do just love how this name sounds and the whole thing has just really made me feel quite angry at the way my sister is always always pandered over like this

Why did you agree to cancel your wedding? You didn't have to comply with that one.

because my sister phoned my mum saying she’d k*ll herself if i didn’t and my mum pestered me until i gave in - because i wanted the most low-key, unproblematic wedding possible and just didn’t want to hear it every single time i spoke to my mum. this is my thing i really do just love this name and i feel like yet again i’m being made to feel like a bad person because my sisters feelings always come first to my mum and i would actually just like to go with the name i like and if they get hurt over it then screw it

It sounds like your mother favours your sister? And your sister doesn't consider your feelings?

Does your sister have established mental health issues? If so, maybe your mother is catering to her out of fear she will act on her threats. That wedding thing was totally unfair.

PPs are being unreasonable.
It's a name. Your sister's child doesn't exist and maybe never will. If she wants to fall out with you over a middle name, that's a her problem.
I have the same middle name as my first cousin. Barely anyone even knows about that because how often do you tell people your middle name?
Can't believe how ridiculous and controversial this thread has become but it's been some interesting 2am entertainment!

so yes i probably am coming across as bitter and immature but i do feel like every single thing i do seems to be vetoed in order to accommodate my sisters feelings and i genuinely do just love how this name sounds and the whole thing has just really made me feel quite angry at the way my sister is always always pandered over like this

Believe it or not, it's worse to be the Golden Child than the Black Sheep IF, and this is important, you work out what you actually want, and do it regardless. The issue is you're all so bothered that it's impossible to know what you actually want without referring to each other.

My issue with the name would be it's all got so tied up that whether you use the name or not, the middle name will seem significant. Either because you used it and 'won' or didn't and 'lost'. Either way it's no longer just your DD's middle name, it's a stupid statement.

I tell people a lot that just because someone throws a ball, you don't have to chase it. Tell your mother less, please yourself more, but don't be petty. Don't either do or avoid things just because of what they say. Enjoy your own family and care less. eventually being the Black Sheep will be freeing. Because the Golden Child gets all their sense of self from being that. If you can separate, because your views aren't taken into account anyway, you'll be happier.

so yes i probably am coming across as bitter and immature but i do feel like every single thing i do seems to be vetoed in order to accommodate my sisters feelings and i genuinely do just love how this name sounds and the whole thing has just really made me feel quite angry at the way my sister is always always pandered over like this

So it is a tit for tat thing.

you can’t change the past but you can change how you act and react going forward. I had to do this with my own family.

you won’t enjoy naming your baby this name, it will be causing you stress whether or not you feel entitled to use it to have a dig at your sister for this reason or that reason:

if there’s a toxic dynamic, and they won’t change it, you need to disentangle yourself from it. The answer isn’t a petty point-score over the name that will dominate your baby news.

pick a different name. Enjoy your baby and new family. Move on with your life.

I've just read the thread. Your sister sounds allot like mine except she did steal my babies name. Same with weddings. I sent out wedding invites and my dsis was moh, the week before the wedding she was hysterical that me the younger sister was getting married before her (she wasn't even in a relationship) she acted up on my wedding day as well and my dmum told her off with which she now dubs herself black sheep of family and all that dramaticness. I found out I was expecting last year after losing a previous pregnancy once it got to 20 weeks and I found out I was having a boy I picked out a name straight away one I've wanted and loved since I was a child and told my family. 2 days before giving birth my dsis tells us she got a pet cat.... Guess what she called the cat! I still named my DS the name I had my heart set on. She no longer has the cat but she still doesn't care about her nephew or me. So my opinion if you like the name as a middle name I'd just go for it. But I am biased and understanding with the type of dsis we have 😂

This sums it up perfectly

Yet more drip feeding...

OP your family is toxic. Use the name you like and cut them off if they complain. You'll feel like a weight has been lifted 👍

Cannot believe you actually cancelled your wedding to spare someone else's feelings. You owe them NOTHING.

Thanks for the replies!

It’s not drip feeding though is it - who in their right mind would put all of this in the first post? My ‘drip feeding’ is in response to other peoples comments and me responding to it.

And no. it is still not a tit for tat thing because as I say she has zero interest in her first niece so I genuinely think it will not affect her life as I’m sure she’ll have zero interest in the second. I literally just love the name

Not picking on you particularly here, more the sentiment

nobody has the right not to be put out, offended or affronted.

if @peppapeeej wants to use the name as a first name it’s one thing, but as a middle name? There’s literally no harm in that.

it doesn’t mean her sister can’t call any future daughter that name as a first name. It really doesn’t

@peppapeeej sounds like your sister will find a reason to kick off anyway. Is she the golden child?

It's how I feel too.

If your sister does change her mind, and does have a girl, you using the name as a middle name doesn't stop her using it as a first name.

Your baby's here. Her baby exists in her imagination only,

The amount of bitterness you have towards your sister and the drama that will ensue will probably taint the name if you give it to her anyway.

Forevermore you’ll link her middle name with the thought it was your sisters choice and caused a big drama.

According to Google there are 29,918,993 names in the world. It’s not worth it. Pick another.

not so much the golden child but more never contacts anyone unless she wants something but is always prioritised because of her mental health problems so the second she contacts about something my mum in particular will drop everything to pander to her - i know that may sound unsympathetic but her mental health issues have been going on for about ten years now and are often used as a threat to get her way

Agree with PPs. Middle names aren’t even a necessity and definitely not worth upsetting a sister over.

Quite honestly it sound like you would relish the fallout this might cause. A decent person would find another name rather than cause upset.

And no. it is still not a tit for tat thing because as I say she has zero interest in her first niece so I genuinely think it will not affect her life as I’m sure she’ll have zero interest in the second. I literally just love the name

If that's the case you wouldn't be bringing up all this family drama, making the case for why she's done X and Y so you're entitled to do Z (essentially to get back at her).

I'm not blaming you for your feelings toward your DSis, it's very hard, but you need to be honest with yourself about why you want to use the name and whether entangling yourself in more family drama will actually make you happier, when you could just pick a different name and move on.