My mum won't call my son by his name

[Tilpop]

Hi there

I wonder if I could get some advice please. I'm due my baby boy 16th July. He is my first. I've been undergoing IVF for four years and he is our little success story. Anyway I initially thought we were having a girl and I was adamant on calling "her" Emily. Then we found out he was a baby boy. Just as pleased I had always said I would call my boy Daniel.

Anyway..... DH and I were talking and the name Harry popped out. We both really liked it and after much discussion decided on Harry James. We have since found out my DH great grandfather was called Harry and my great grandfathers middle name was James. So thats it name chosen......However.......

I have the most controlling mother in the world and she has refused to call him Harry.
We initially called him Haribo as he was our little jelly baby. She is now calling him Beau and said she will not call him Harry because he may turn out "ginger and be called Harry"
(I'm a red head). This has upset me because we have waited so long for him I thought she wouldn't care what he was called. She has text me today calling him BJ (Beau James)...... WTF????

His name is Harry!!!

She says "he is not a royal" ...... i know that!!!!! He's my son (my DH sisters little boy is called George and my mum has said "that will please MIL because she thinks she's royalty as it is" (jealous)

She says every little boy is called Harry and what's wrong with Daniel James or DJ.

I have tried to tell her his name is Harry and thats that. She has said "well I wont be calling him Harry"

I'm a little afraid of my mum because she can make my life horrendous she is so controlling and abusive (when drunk) I don't want to upset her but i have decided on my sons name and I want to stick to it. DH has said if I change my mind he will be really upset.
Do I stick with Harry?

No change the name to one your mum likes......

See it’s ridiculous isn’t it. Just don’t engage with her about names anymore. Ignore her completely when she says the wrong thing.

Of course you stick with Harry and when she uses any other name you either ignore or say
‘I don’t know who you mean, my son is called Harry’

I would distancing myself a bit from her too. She can see her grandson when she grows up a bit.

It’s your child - you and DH name him what you like.
I’m no longer in contact with my mum as she too was a control freak. I found out eventually the best way to deal with her was to stand up to her and do what I want anyway.
What does you DH say? And why are you afraid of her?

100% choose the name you like - it’s lovely and great to have ones with some family history. It’s simple, if she won’t use his chosen name, she doesn’t get to see him or play any part in his life.

Of course you stick with the name you have chosen, and tell her if she wont be calling him Harry, she won't be seeing him.
How does she make your life horrendous, do yiu live with her?

This baby hasn’t been born yet, is that right? I think expecting people to call a baby anything when it hasn’t been born yet is a bit weird TBH. Why don’t you all just stop discussing it and see what the baby actually looks like when he arrives then choose?

Every time she calls him something that is not his name ignore her.

If she persists, you can say, ‘I will answer you when you address him by his name.’

Alternatively every time she call him by the wrong name, call her by the wrong name.

Sound ridiculous? That’s because that is how she is acting. Don’t give in to it or you will constantly be having to prove that you are his mother not her.

My mum is quite aggressive when she doesn't get her own way and texts me continuously on a night after 7 because she has had "a few glasses of wine" and says some awful things to me. Many years ago I would spend hours arguing with her but since I've been with DH the time in our home is when she starts on text i put my phone in Silent and p it to in side. The other night I had 18 missed calls (five time whatsapp calling, house phone and 11 messages) all because DH and I were watching a film and my phone was on charge upstairs.

I'm scared that when my baby arrives she will control me and manipulate me into doing things her way.

Please don't give in to her. Not this time. You deserve better!

When I told mil ds's name she said she wouldn't be calling him that. I said ah well it's a shame if you don't want to see him but fair enough.
And she stfu after that.

Your mum is cuckoo sorry OP, call your child what you like, she will just be the relative with the odd nickname for them.

Do you live with your mother?
If so she won't have the power to control and manipulate you.
You are allowing it.
Be strong. You've got this.

Next time she says she won't call him Harry just reply with she won't be on his life and hang up. Then put her in time out for 3 weeks. Then see if she can behave.

@FenellaMaxwell
His nick name so far is Haribo or jelly baby we don't refer to him as Harry yet.

He’s not a Royal.
Well that’s the daftest statement I’ve ever heard and I’ve not lead a sheltered life.
There are millions people called Harry, William, George, Charlotte, Louis, Elizabeth, Anne ect ect. They’re all Royal names. None of them standout in any way or are even particularly posh.
Also what’s her issue with red hair.

I'm scared that when my baby arrives she will control me and manipulate me into doing things her way.

Are you very young, OP? Why would you allow this to happen?

When my DD was born my mum wanted to call her a different shortened version of her name than us, think Rosemary being shortened to Rose or Mary as an example. We just ignored her. She soon started calling her the name we wanted.

As for the phone calls etc, just don't answer it when it rings if it's her. It's easy!

I would immediately of text her back telling her not to call my child after a sex act and hope that would shut her up

I'm scared that when my baby arrives she will control me and manipulate me into doing things her way.

You have absolutely all the power here. Start acting like you do.

Tell her if she doesn't call your son by his correct name she will not be welcome to see him.

But even you aren’t calling him Harry. Are you even sure that you want the name or Maybe he’s telling you he doesn’t like it.
It’s certainly not unheard of babies to refuse a chosen name or to name themselves.

Beau James! what the hell.

I'd call her blow job every time she calls him BJ

But actually seriously, it's better not to engage.

You need to get it straight in your head now. What power does your mother have over your decisions?

The power to make you feel really really uncomfortable? The power to make you feel disobedient? The power to make you feel cruel and cold?

Get it straight in your head now that you won't react, you won't explain yourself (as that buys in to her narrative that you need her approval to choose your own baby's name!). Just avoid communicating with her for now.

The next time you do something that she hasn't approved of, resist the temptation to defend your decision. YOu don't need to defend your decision.

Neither my parents nor my DH’s mum like the name I picked out. One of my parents calls him something entirely different and we just let him - he’s the one who will look silly when DS gets older and starts questioning it.

I'm astonished she seriously wants to call her grandchild BJ. For goodness sake, tell her what it stands for, it should shut her up on that front at least.

Ahh that is just bizarre. She is weird!
It has absolutely nothing to do with her what you name your child.
I do think because of the issues she clearly creates for you already that you should try and nip this in the bud asap. Or once little Harry arrives she'll get way way worse.
Stand up to her, get your DH involved too for support.
I'd begin with - Mum I'm not happy with what you're calling HARRY. That is his name, please use it.
If she still does it I'd tell her she was annoying me now and if she can't use her grandsons correct name then she won't be welcome around him.
You can and have every right to call her out.