My mum won't call my son by his name

[Tilpop]

Hi there

I wonder if I could get some advice please. I'm due my baby boy 16th July. He is my first. I've been undergoing IVF for four years and he is our little success story. Anyway I initially thought we were having a girl and I was adamant on calling "her" Emily. Then we found out he was a baby boy. Just as pleased I had always said I would call my boy Daniel.

Anyway..... DH and I were talking and the name Harry popped out. We both really liked it and after much discussion decided on Harry James. We have since found out my DH great grandfather was called Harry and my great grandfathers middle name was James. So thats it name chosen......However.......

I have the most controlling mother in the world and she has refused to call him Harry.
We initially called him Haribo as he was our little jelly baby. She is now calling him Beau and said she will not call him Harry because he may turn out "ginger and be called Harry"
(I'm a red head). This has upset me because we have waited so long for him I thought she wouldn't care what he was called. She has text me today calling him BJ (Beau James)...... WTF????

His name is Harry!!!

She says "he is not a royal" ...... i know that!!!!! He's my son (my DH sisters little boy is called George and my mum has said "that will please MIL because she thinks she's royalty as it is" (jealous)

She says every little boy is called Harry and what's wrong with Daniel James or DJ.

I have tried to tell her his name is Harry and thats that. She has said "well I wont be calling him Harry"

I'm a little afraid of my mum because she can make my life horrendous she is so controlling and abusive (when drunk) I don't want to upset her but i have decided on my sons name and I want to stick to it. DH has said if I change my mind he will be really upset.
Do I stick with Harry?

This is why you don't tell people names until baby is born. I told my family my son's name before he was born (Harry funnily enough!) and some members felt the need to tell me how much they hated it. I stuck to my guns and four years later, nobody mentions they didn't like the name. She will get over it.

When you got the positive pregnancy test did she get more interested as she was going to be a grandmother, or did you start giving her more information? Or a bit of both?

Lots of readymade vague, non-event answers is what you need.

What is his name going to be? Don't know, haven't decided.
How are you going to feed him? Um, with milk?
Where are you going to give birth? Wherever's best for him
Can I have him over night? May be later when he's 36
When's your due date? Not sure. Anyway those things are so inaccurate

And so on. Don't share anything about midwife appointments, new baby checks, decisions about vaccinations, weaning, what colour socks he is going to wear. Just proceed on a need to know basis.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, take care of yourself. Try not to stress over your MIL

Your MIL sounds like she never made it past the toddler stage... sadly... don't let her control you she will never change if you give into her every wish. You stick with what you and your husband want.

Best wishes

Before your baby arrives, read ''Nice Girl Syndrome'' by Dr Beveryley Engol
And ''Running on Empty'' by Dr Jonice Webb

So now you know she needs a lot less info /input around your lives.
My mil never had my mobile number and life was much less stressful than it would have been....

Yes you absolutely call him Harry. It’s a fine name and one you love. And that is that.

You are an adult with a DH and a baby on the way. A whole new family unit.

Stop being so concerned about what your mother says and does. If she's rude to you on the phone, just hang up on her, or tell her that you are a grown-up, not a child, and you don't have to do what she says any more.

You need to cut this horrible woman out of your life. She will use your son against you and manipulate him too.

Beau? Like a horse? Mine is Beau, so is another one at the yard, plus multiple dogs I know. Weird.

This is your baby, OP. Maybe it’s time to set some clearer boundaries with your mum. If she tries to tell you what to call your child, be strong and tell her to get lost. That’s ridiculous of her. I’m sure your dh will support you. You’re allowed to tell her to go away and you’re allowed to go non contact with her if she’s being aggressive and a pita.

Block her then. You're an adult with a family of your own to focus on now. I blocked my Mum years ago - she's one of those women who hates all women, including her own daughters - and my life is better for lack of her, especially without her drunken goings on and bitterness. I know it's not easy - I do at times wish I had a good Mum when I see others talk about all their Mum does for and with them but, I don't. & You don't. So don't let your Mum spoil your precious family life. If she can't behave then she is ignored totally, that's it.

My mum took the mickey out of my son's name before he was born. She hadn't realised how much it had hurt me. It led to us not registering or choosing a name until he was 5 days old. She ended up ringing me saying why don't you call him "x", if that's what you like, he's your son. Now she says she loves his name and it really suits him.

My nan on the other hand who is genuinely a horrible person, always tries to make up nicknames of his full name. Fortunately we only see her twice a year.

Absolutely you stick with Harry - if you cave on this you will regret it forever and just set a precedent of her thinking she can bully you into submission.

I think from the rest of your post you have a number of issues with your Mum that need dealing with and the name is just the final straw...

Congrats on your beautiful baby.... if I were you I'd tell her that you think she's right, you're going to go with Harry William instead.

It’s your kid, so yes you stick with Harry if you like it. If I ever have a boy it’s one of the names I like too.

Has she ever asked how you're feeling, throughout your pregnancy? Is it all about her?

Exactly what is it she can really do to make your life a misery? Send nasty texts? Block her. Show up at your house? Don't answer the door.

There is nothing written in stone that says we have to put up with someone who doesn't add positivity to our lives, even if that person is a parent.

Is there something you really truly need from her? hildcare? Does she provide money/things that you must have in order to live? No? Then you don't need her in your life.

If she won't call him by the name you have chosen then tell her she simply won't see him.

That word should be 'Childcare'. As in you will need her to care for the baby once you return to work.

Op . You need to go low contact at least

Find someone else to share your excitement. Never answer her calls day or night first time she calls , or reply to texts.

Once Haribo arrives you will be busy and exhausted far too much to deal with her.

I agree don’t tell anyone ( except dh) you are in labour.

She has power because it’s what you are used to . You can change this

Think you have bigger things to worry about than names. You're mum is an abuser and should never be allowed near your child. You would be wise to remove her from your life.

My grandmother was a narcissist like her and I wish my mother had been strong enough to go no contact. Do it for your baba.

@Tilpop

The thing is though, she manipulates you because it works on you. Because you let it work on you. You see that don't you? All she has to be is a little unpleasant to you, and you're asking yourself whether you should give in to her. Do you see how strangely you're responding to her?

Why are you sharing so much with someone who is nasty to you? Why did you include her in discussions about potential names?

This person has a history of being shitty to you... I'm trying to understand why you're still engaging with her and giving her so much ammunition.

Are you doing it because you keep hoping she will change?

Because if that's the reason, I'm very sorry but you'll need to give that up, you'll be a mum shortly and you need to let go of those sorts of fantasies, or your baby DS will be the one to pay in the end.

Oh, it's mean, and you are being very kind to even worry about it and not just bawl her out.
My MIL said DS2's name was awful, and that she wouldn't use it. I smiled and nodded. She met him the day he was born, and used some twee "little man" type to avoid using his name. In my new baby haze, I said "no way, you know what his name is" and lifted him straight out of her arms. She never did it again, and used his name properly for ever after

Also, I too am confused as to what you're afraid will happen if she doesn't get her way.

Can you explain what you think she's going to do?

Because it sounds like the worst case scenario is "she will be nasty via text" or maybe "she will turn up and shout at me". Both of those are not emergencies. They're examples of a rather pathetic person behaving like a 3 year old. You can treat her as you would a tantrumming toddler - ignore her and let her get on with it.

Start calling her "Granny Batshit"
Congrats on your baby.

I mean this in the kindest way, you are a grown woman and about to become a mother.you need to be assertive & put some boundaries in place. People can only treat you badly if you allow them to. No need to be rude or fall out but you have to be firm.

After 10 years of nc I had a relapse and let dm back into our lives. She didn't like the names of the 2 dc I had had and tried to use ones she prefered!! Back to nc again and def won't be sucked in again.
Your mil has no rights to your dc or to be around any of you.