My mum won't call my son by his name

[Tilpop]

Hi there

I wonder if I could get some advice please. I'm due my baby boy 16th July. He is my first. I've been undergoing IVF for four years and he is our little success story. Anyway I initially thought we were having a girl and I was adamant on calling "her" Emily. Then we found out he was a baby boy. Just as pleased I had always said I would call my boy Daniel.

Anyway..... DH and I were talking and the name Harry popped out. We both really liked it and after much discussion decided on Harry James. We have since found out my DH great grandfather was called Harry and my great grandfathers middle name was James. So thats it name chosen......However.......

I have the most controlling mother in the world and she has refused to call him Harry.
We initially called him Haribo as he was our little jelly baby. She is now calling him Beau and said she will not call him Harry because he may turn out "ginger and be called Harry"
(I'm a red head). This has upset me because we have waited so long for him I thought she wouldn't care what he was called. She has text me today calling him BJ (Beau James)...... WTF????

His name is Harry!!!

She says "he is not a royal" ...... i know that!!!!! He's my son (my DH sisters little boy is called George and my mum has said "that will please MIL because she thinks she's royalty as it is" (jealous)

She says every little boy is called Harry and what's wrong with Daniel James or DJ.

I have tried to tell her his name is Harry and thats that. She has said "well I wont be calling him Harry"

I'm a little afraid of my mum because she can make my life horrendous she is so controlling and abusive (when drunk) I don't want to upset her but i have decided on my sons name and I want to stick to it. DH has said if I change my mind he will be really upset.
Do I stick with Harry?

That’s why I wanted to just let you know @Tilpop but hopefully it won’t put you off (unless your surname is potter) it’s still lovely and Harry potters not exactly a negative connotation- unless you hate it. Dp vetoed any Harry Potter names because he hates it

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you must learn to put up some boundaries- you are an adult woman with a husband and a baby on the way, why does your mother have so much influence in your life?

The more you humour her and involve her in your plans the more she will be over invested and try to control you. You must step back, this is a really unhealthy relationship.

OP it really is none of your mother's business. The only people whose opinions matter are you and your DH. Harry is lovely, there's lots of men and boys called Harry who aren't Prince Harry. I'm sure they're all coping!

I fear I will have these issues when we have DC as DH and I have dual heritage, with a name from my 'non-English' side. PIL have told me I mustn't use a name from my other culture when I have children.

However, the more comments I get, the more names from my culture I add to my list. No-one dictates to me what I call my children (DH gets a say of course).

Your Mum has had her turn. If she loves Beau James so much she can go out and have a son to name Beau James.

You need to put your foot down, OP. It's the name now, but then it will be breast vs bottle, weaning at 6 months vs weaning at 6 weeks etc. Show her now that you and DH are boss. Otherwise she will be shoving chocolate and ice cream into your 3 month and undermining all of your parenting choices!

My mother did this with DD2. Said her name was too hard to say (it wasn't) and called her Candy
We went nc over another issue and she has recently emailed me asking after the children and using their proper names, even DD2. Closest to an apology she has ever come. Shame it took a family tragedy to get there.
I'm still wary but we've called a truce. Let's see how long it lasts. I really empathise with you. Stick to your guns and good luck.

I'm confused as to why you have even told the name, before the baby is born? Our's was referred to as "the baby" while in utero, and for several weeks afterwards, while we all got used to using the name.
Anyhow, if you have discussed baby names with people beforehand, their reaction MIGHT change once they meet the actual baby, and you introduce them.

Of course you should call him the lovely name that you've chosen. Take your power back. Do not engage with your mother on this issue. Have you heard of 'grey rock'? Don't engage where you don't need to, don't reply to texts etc. Take the emotion out of engaging with her, just give vague answers. What a difficult relationship. It may help if she is just not in your life so much.
And the Harry Potter thing is neither here or there - Harry James is a really good regular name. Can you try to just relax with your choice, not think too much about it anymore?

You can’t continue to let her have power over you. If you change your mind she will have won. Those tactics will have worked and she will continue to bully and harass you and your kids into submission forever. (I can guarantee from experience that her behaviour will get worse as she ages, not better. This woman is not going to be a sweet, loving granny, but a bitter, angry one who plays favourites and is very manipulative.) You need to start drawing your line in the sand at all times now.

Stick with Harry (good taste- I have a Harri James!) .

Harry nn Harribo is the most gorgeous name 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Keep saying who is Beau and say you are worried she is getting dementia to anyone she says it to.

I think you should eliminate her from your life. She will always cause you misery and stress. Now you have your own family - if she is going to be so horrible don't let her join in on the fun.

I told my mum what names I was thinking of and she said 'oh right, that's nice'' or something. It was my xMIL who used to say ''no. You have to think of the child''. I stupidly engaged with her which just fuelled her erroneous belief that she had some entitlement to input. She wanted me to name the baby after her late second husband who she'd left the first husband for. It was a very ordinary name and the connection wouldn't necessarily have been made, but honestly, what was going on in her head!?

Small, tiny tangent but the royalty comment doesn't make much sense. The (ex) royal she's referring was actually christened Henry...

I think you need to start phasing your mother out of your life.

Prince Harry’s real name is Henry - Harry is just his nickname. Not that her reasoning makes any sense, but therefore he isn’t going to have a royal name anyway.

Just to warn you that we had decided on a name and second name before Dd was born.

Whilst I was in the hospital before Dd was born one of the midwives walked in, chewing gum and I took an instant dislike to her.

She asked me what name we had chosen.

We said the name and she exclaimed that was her name.

That put me off the name to start with

Then Dd was born and we both took one look at her and decided that the name we had chosen just wasn’t the right one.

All I can say is be flexible

You might take one look at Harry when he arrives and think that actually he is more a Charles or Henry or Xavier

I hope you will update us OP so that we can all learn better ways of dealing with these fecking rude gits overbearing parents✊😊

@Pennywort & @MehitabelWhurl
baby spider was referring to a PP who said their daughter was called Madison and didn't want people calling her Maddie. (Which a totally different thing IMO)

If I were you OP, I would start calling your mum by a different name and just say you're not keen on "mum" any more. See how she likes it?

Congrats on your pregnancy! Have a think about some boundaries you can put in place so you can feel less afraid of her. If you don’t want to speak to her when she’s been drinking because she’s unreasonable then decide that you won’t and stick to it. No one should be relentlessly calling you unless it’s an emergency.
Seriously get this in place before your baby arrives or you’ll be doing all kinds of things to keep her happy in the future, and making yourself miserable. You shouldn’t be afraid of your mum. Things have got out of balance.

It's nothing to do with the name!!

You are an adult and about to become a mother yourself, stand up for your child.

No, she wasn't, @MsSquiz -- this is her post:

But even you aren’t calling him Harry. Are you even sure that you want the name or Maybe he’s telling you he doesn’t like it.
It’s certainly not unheard of babies to refuse a chosen name or to name themselves.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider appears to think that the OP's unborn baby is signalling, though his drunken grandmother being a pain in the ass, that he doesn't like the name Harry and wants to be called something else.

@Pennywort apologies, the post I saw was a different one

Yes it was the frankly bonkers suggestion that somehow the baby was communicating it’s preferences that I was referring to.

Do tell her what BJ stands for.

And then refuse to engage anymore on the subject. Unfortunately when narcissist-type personalities find something that annoys/irritates others they will often deliberately engage in it (all the while defending their reasons to the hilt and making out YOU are the unreasonable one).

Here's an idea - ask her what name she wants to be to the baby. Then say 'Oh no, don't like that!' and mutate it into something hideous, preferably with sexual overtones

It's a lovely name and she should respect that. Are you a Harry Potter fan?