My mum won't call my son by his name

[Tilpop]

Hi there

I wonder if I could get some advice please. I'm due my baby boy 16th July. He is my first. I've been undergoing IVF for four years and he is our little success story. Anyway I initially thought we were having a girl and I was adamant on calling "her" Emily. Then we found out he was a baby boy. Just as pleased I had always said I would call my boy Daniel.

Anyway..... DH and I were talking and the name Harry popped out. We both really liked it and after much discussion decided on Harry James. We have since found out my DH great grandfather was called Harry and my great grandfathers middle name was James. So thats it name chosen......However.......

I have the most controlling mother in the world and she has refused to call him Harry.
We initially called him Haribo as he was our little jelly baby. She is now calling him Beau and said she will not call him Harry because he may turn out "ginger and be called Harry"
(I'm a red head). This has upset me because we have waited so long for him I thought she wouldn't care what he was called. She has text me today calling him BJ (Beau James)...... WTF????

His name is Harry!!!

She says "he is not a royal" ...... i know that!!!!! He's my son (my DH sisters little boy is called George and my mum has said "that will please MIL because she thinks she's royalty as it is" (jealous)

She says every little boy is called Harry and what's wrong with Daniel James or DJ.

I have tried to tell her his name is Harry and thats that. She has said "well I wont be calling him Harry"

I'm a little afraid of my mum because she can make my life horrendous she is so controlling and abusive (when drunk) I don't want to upset her but i have decided on my sons name and I want to stick to it. DH has said if I change my mind he will be really upset.
Do I stick with Harry?

He is your child not your mother's so call him whatever makes you happy. If she calls him a different name correct her. My youngest is called Madison and I don't like the name Maddie..When she was younger a few people called her Maddie and I continously corrected them until it eventually registered

Why are you even talking about names with anyone other than your DH for a child who won’t even be born for another 3 months?! Just stop discussing it.

I'm a little afraid of my mum because she can make my life horrendous she is so controlling and abusive (when drunk)

There's a very easy response to that - give her one warning that if she continues you will have to go no contact. When she ignores you, send her one more message pointing out that you did warn her, she has left you with no alternative and that you will be blocking her on all methods of communication. However, if she is prepared to shut up about your baby's name and stop abusing you you might reconsider.

What if she wants to be known as Maddie when she’s older though. You can’t exactly be saying to her when she’s 25. Don’t call yourself Maddie, can you.

You're a grown up OP. Keep your mother at arms length as she doesn't sound very nice and call your baby whatever you like. If she carries on being ridiculous, just ignore her.

see what the baby actually looks like when he arrives then choose? he won't look like anything op doesn't want to name him. She's picked one, she doesn't need to know if his ears are big or small or his feet are straight or wonky.
OP just name him your name and every time she calls him BJ (sure to get him picked on when he's 11!!) ignore her. If you're not sure if her behaviour is OK, ask your DH, he seems sensible about it

@Awwlookatmybabyspider wtf are you on?

My "D"M tried this one, I just said, "no, you got the chance to name your children, we are naming ours" and she stopped.

I would only respond to her when she's being nice and I'd stop her from coming to your home completely. Maybe get a chain fitted, and learn to say, it's not convenient now Mum, I'll call you later".

Also, before the baby arrives, learn the phrase "it works for us" and use it as a standard reply every time she tries to comment on your parenting.

Just ignore her and cut her off, I'd switch my phone off every night tbh

It’s certainly not unheard of babies to refuse a chosen name or to name themselves.

In what batshit universe, @Awwlookatmybabyspider? Maybe you should mosey over to the Birdie Friend thread and suggest some more unlikely content there.

Your mother sounds a lot like mine although mine never drank - she was a total cow when even sober. Even just after having given birth to a beautiful boy - her first grandson - she rang me while I was still in hospital to harangue me and tell me what SHE wanted to call my son. She reduced me to tears but I didn't give in - he was MY son and his name was my choice. She just had to get used to it and she did.

Agree with potteringalong. I know you're excited but keep names to yourselves. There will always be someone who will try and put you off a name (yes mother, looking at you. I still regret not naming dd2 Eliza). I think you're giving your mother too much power and ammunition by engaging with her.

She sounds thick as pig shit tbh. That along with the abusiveness would be enough for me to cut contact.

Just one more bit of advice OP.... if this is how she is, I wouldn’t tell her when you go into labour. You don’t need someone like that rocking up to the hospital and upsetting you.

Have you thought about going very low contact...or even no contact.

No don't give in! It's not quite the same thing because my DStepF is actually quite lovely BUT for some reason came up with a somewhat random nickname for DD very early on - like he literally announced it 'I've decided her nickname and we were just like oh... right?!? Didnt think too much of it really as me and StepSis also have 'names' but he still uses our actual names most of the time so they are proper nicknames - think 'twinky'

What's weird is with my dd it's actually longer than her short perfectly normal name - it's actually two separate names eg. so her name could be 'Elaine' but he calls her 'Janey Buzzfruit' and he constantly does it - like I have only heard her actual name from his mouth like 5 times. My DM also occasional uses it but mostly just her name.

My point is however my now nearly 4year old has actually started correcting him a few time over skype - "No grandad, my name is Elaine not Janey Buzzfruit!" Or "I'm Elaine, but grandad calls me Janey Buzzfruit - he is silly!" In a sort of exasperated voice like she thinks he is kind of stupid! - it's hilarious because it totally comes from her we haven't made a big deal out of it! She is learning her letters at the moment and obviously recognises name so your DS will probably put your DM in her place eventually they have no filters they dont worry about offending anyone they say what they think!

I just wouldn’t engage with her. You’ve chosen a name and that is that, she has had her chance. Knowing what your Mum is like it would have been better to announce the name once the baby was here so as not to open up a debate but as it’s too late for that now I would just go with refusing to be drawn.

In a few years time if she hasn’t simmered down your Child will be correcting her himself.

Please don’t let this ruin any part of your pregnancy. I’m so sorry your Mum isn’t capable of just being thrilled she has a grandchild on the way .

ignore it all. she is looking for confrontation.
so sorry you are going through this with her but enjoy your baby.

You have far bigger problems than the name. Run as fast and as far away from her as you can.

If she says "BJ again" say 'what like Blow Job?' and then repeatedly tell people your mum is always talking about blow jobs. Do hand gestures and that gross thing boys at school did with their tongue in their cheek. I bet she stops then. You are going to be a mother - stop allowing her to bully you and be clear - my baby, my rules, any shit and you won't see them - ever. I did this and have 4 well behaved grandparents to my DC whereas my poor DB and BIL have no end of interference and crap.

When the baby is born if she calls him anything else immediately pick him up and leave - the house if you're at hers and the room at home. Do not return. When she has a tantrum roll your eyes and walk off again. Be very very strong - slightly obnoxious even and rip the plaster off. It's the only way.

Control and manipulate you?
If she tries you shut her down. Hang up if you have to. Go low or no contact if she persists.
You need to worry about you and your child.

Just let her call him what she wants. It's making her look bad but so be it. My brother Evan was called Kevin by my gran for years and it actually became a family joke of how batty my gran was. That's what may happen here for you x

And stop telling her anything, ever

"when is the baby due"
"oh in July sometime"
"what day"
"I need the loo!" laugh leave

"What is your birth plan"
"Oh I've no idea, so many different ways to do it, I might just try them all"
laugh

"You need to get a cot"
"really, you don't say" laugh

"why won't you tell me anything"
"Harry asked me not to" rub your bump, laugh

Your biggest problem is seeking her approval. Stop caring. Start seeing her silly meddling as an amusing diversion. If she annoys you leave. It is all good practise for if you have a very stubborn toddler.

Tell her actually you like the BJ initial idea.
And he is to be Boris John.

My friends sister had a baby (many years ago now) and calmed him a name they suited her. Her parents never used it. They called him John. It’s very very rude to do that and I would have stopped contact if my wishes were not accepted. Do keep quiet and keep your distance. A wonderful baby will arrive for you and DH. Don’t let your DM spoil it!!