My mum won't call my son by his name

[Tilpop]

Hi there

I wonder if I could get some advice please. I'm due my baby boy 16th July. He is my first. I've been undergoing IVF for four years and he is our little success story. Anyway I initially thought we were having a girl and I was adamant on calling "her" Emily. Then we found out he was a baby boy. Just as pleased I had always said I would call my boy Daniel.

Anyway..... DH and I were talking and the name Harry popped out. We both really liked it and after much discussion decided on Harry James. We have since found out my DH great grandfather was called Harry and my great grandfathers middle name was James. So thats it name chosen......However.......

I have the most controlling mother in the world and she has refused to call him Harry.
We initially called him Haribo as he was our little jelly baby. She is now calling him Beau and said she will not call him Harry because he may turn out "ginger and be called Harry"
(I'm a red head). This has upset me because we have waited so long for him I thought she wouldn't care what he was called. She has text me today calling him BJ (Beau James)...... WTF????

His name is Harry!!!

She says "he is not a royal" ...... i know that!!!!! He's my son (my DH sisters little boy is called George and my mum has said "that will please MIL because she thinks she's royalty as it is" (jealous)

She says every little boy is called Harry and what's wrong with Daniel James or DJ.

I have tried to tell her his name is Harry and thats that. She has said "well I wont be calling him Harry"

I'm a little afraid of my mum because she can make my life horrendous she is so controlling and abusive (when drunk) I don't want to upset her but i have decided on my sons name and I want to stick to it. DH has said if I change my mind he will be really upset.
Do I stick with Harry?

Don't play games with her. This is a symptom of a much bigger and more toxic problem.

Your mother is an abusive drunk. She doesn't respect your boundaries and she doesn't respect you. She texts you awful things for hours a night.

You can't let her continue these dynamics with your baby. Grey rock is good, and I also second the recommendation to seek out some form of support group (from Stately Homes to something more formal).

In the meantime, I'd go LC with several days of not talking with her in the middle. It's horrible that you have to deal with this when you're vulnerable, but it's the best way to peace.

Stick with Harry.
Turn your phone off / block her every single time she is abusive, rude or obnoxious.
When your baby is born, leave her house every single time the instant you discern her to be drunk.
Grey rock every single time she starts telling you how to raise your child.

Look to your DH for strength and inspiration on this, and be very very careful not to give him a MIL problem.

Remember how many women post about their overbearing toxic MILs and are told ‘you haven’t got a MIL problem, you have a DH problem’.

Keep her out of your marriage and out if the decisions that you and your DH make for your family.

And don’t discuss any other decisions with her before they are made.

Congratulations, and good luck!

You call your baby whatever you choose. Why not tell your mum you have decided that you dont like calling her 'mum' or whatever else you call her and decide on a new name for her (as ridiculous as you like ) and see how she likes that.

This would make absolutely wild.

Next time this comes up say:

His name is Harry. This is not a conversation.
Refer to him as Harry, and drop the subject. This is the last time I will speak to you about this.

I suspect Daniel will be seen as a somewhat middle-aged name by the time you son is 20.
If you surname is Windsor, or perhaps Parry, I might gently suggest you think again, but otherwise, go for it. You have sensibly decided on a middle name too. We can't all future-proof our names. Ask all the Eleanor Rigbys and James Bonds who are now pensioners. There is going to be a shift in power soon, more power going to you. Your Mother might be redoubling her effects to impose her will in anticipation of this.

You need to correct her every time and when she starts, you need to cut of the mode of conversation.

Infact, I would tell her straight. Use his actual name or you wont get to see him.

I love red hair. My best friends sons are both red headed. I also think Harry James is the best name on earth ( not that im biased). I have a Harry James.

He is your baby. You call him what you and your DH want to. Your DH sounds supportive. Do not give in to her op, if she keeps on, stop seeing her or lower contact, don't answer about the baby. If she refers to him as BJ then until she stops she doesn't see him.

Why on earth wouldn't you stick to the name Harry, it's a lovely name!

I honestly cant believe that you're still in contact with her OP, dont tell her anything else to do with your pregnancy and continue to use the grey rock method.

If I were you I'd be cutting contact to be honest, I have a friend who has a mum like yours (different issues but same outcome) and it has completely wrecked her self esteem and has given her major anxiety. I hope the same doesnt happen to you.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy

Just in case you didn’t know, Harry potters’ full name is Harry James Potter. I think it’s amazing (massive hp fan) but just wanted to prepare you for comments. My brother is Harry (much older than the films and books) but my dad has only ever called him potter biased but I love it!

Dm didn’t like the name I chose for ds. We didn’t name him until he was born just to try and stop the comments. She would never be intentionally rude but kept mentioning that she didn’t really like it and kept texting me new suggestions until the day I got him registered. She admits he is definitely a X now and not her suggestion.

*since they were released obviously.

Good luck op

Congratulations on your pregnancy op. Your mum sounds awful and to be honest I don't think she will get any better once the baby arrives. I think you need to try to find a way of distancing yourself from her and not reacting to her demands and drama. This is your time now you your dh and your baby. Don't let her ruin it. Because she will try to.

OhOP i feel for you but you must must draw a line in the cement ( sand moves cement doesnt) and tell her that she either follows your plans regarding your baby or she stays away, if you dont come down hard on her now you will end battling her for years to come.
Tell her you will not respond to texts or phone calls after 6p.m, you cant have her calling all evening once the baby is here.
Safe delivery when the time comes

I'd be done with her op. She's an abusive drunk. She has no business being around you and your family. Change your mobile number and block her on all social media.

Harry is a gorgeous name.

'Mum, it's not your baby, it's ours. His name is Harry. If you don't like it, or if you won't call him Harry, you're not welcome to come and see him, or us, until you have grown up. Goodbye.'

She is fucking batshit and you need to get some boundaries in place pronto. What is wrong with her?????

Harry James is just lovely by the way

Congratulations OP. Call your son what you want (Harry is a lovely name btw) and maybe give your mum a wide berth. The only thing she should be doing at the moment is supporting you as you get ready to have your long awaited first child. She doesn't get a say in what you call him.

Huge congrats on your pregnancy.
Your pregnancy being the key word. She sounds a bit unhinged and I would question wanting my little Bundle being near someone like that. Pull back a bit. Don’t let her spoil everything. I wish you, hubby and little Harry all the best

OP - your mum sounds abusive. I would advise going low-contact at the very least.

The next time the name comes up, tell her coldly and simply, that his name is Harry and that is the end of the conversation.

If she insists she won't be calling him that/will refer to him as Beau/Daniel/whatever, you simply tell her that she can refer to him as anything she likes, that won't make it his name and you will not respond to any questions or conversation about anyone but Harry.

And stick to it.

So in the future

"How's grandma's baby Beau doing?"
"I don't know who you mean. You must have the wrong number. Goodbye".

I think she’s given you the perfect opportunity with BJ. I would reply saying I’d rather not call my son blow job, we’re sticking with Harry. And then ignore ignore ignore.

Our little boy is called Harry - his nickname at home is Haribo and his nickname at school is Hazza. It is a great name - you have chosen well. Stick to your guns and ignore mother as much as you can !! And of course MASSIVE congratulations. You are joining the best club in the world - motherhood. Don't let your mother spoil your special time x

I didn't know Harry Potters full name was Harry James
Just told DH he said "oh shit lol"

We aren't HP fans

Congratulations. So nice to hear a good news story . Harry James is lovely, stick with it.

Ignore your mother, she’s being a weird controlling prat.

congratulations on your pregnancy, you must be over the moon after all the IVF....
Now you are to soon be a parent , you need to be an adult and stop being scared of your PITA mother.

You are married with a child on the way, you left home a long time ago, you don't need to put up with anything you don't like.

Treat her as youy would a friend, once a friend becomes rude you call them out, friendly at first, then you are firmer...do the same to your DM.

Missed calls and text, switch your phone off before dinner each night , tell her that, its your time with your husband.

Tell her that your son's name is up to you and she must keep her comment to herself. Learn the art of being assertive without getting upset of being aggressive.

You do need to get as grip of this or, once your child is a toddler, she will be manipulating him, possibly against you, be prepared to distance yourself to protect your little family.

Just ask her who had the final decision choosing your name. I bet anything, she did so tell her it’s now your turn to choose your baby’s name.