My mum won't call my son by his name

[Tilpop]

Hi there

I wonder if I could get some advice please. I'm due my baby boy 16th July. He is my first. I've been undergoing IVF for four years and he is our little success story. Anyway I initially thought we were having a girl and I was adamant on calling "her" Emily. Then we found out he was a baby boy. Just as pleased I had always said I would call my boy Daniel.

Anyway..... DH and I were talking and the name Harry popped out. We both really liked it and after much discussion decided on Harry James. We have since found out my DH great grandfather was called Harry and my great grandfathers middle name was James. So thats it name chosen......However.......

I have the most controlling mother in the world and she has refused to call him Harry.
We initially called him Haribo as he was our little jelly baby. She is now calling him Beau and said she will not call him Harry because he may turn out "ginger and be called Harry"
(I'm a red head). This has upset me because we have waited so long for him I thought she wouldn't care what he was called. She has text me today calling him BJ (Beau James)...... WTF????

His name is Harry!!!

She says "he is not a royal" ...... i know that!!!!! He's my son (my DH sisters little boy is called George and my mum has said "that will please MIL because she thinks she's royalty as it is" (jealous)

She says every little boy is called Harry and what's wrong with Daniel James or DJ.

I have tried to tell her his name is Harry and thats that. She has said "well I wont be calling him Harry"

I'm a little afraid of my mum because she can make my life horrendous she is so controlling and abusive (when drunk) I don't want to upset her but i have decided on my sons name and I want to stick to it. DH has said if I change my mind he will be really upset.
Do I stick with Harry?

Awww my son is called Harry nn haribo

Your mum is silly

Ignore her. Your baby = your rules. She sounds rather vile

Congratulations! Especially after a 4 year wait then l think you should thoroughly enjoy your baby and it’s not fair if she spoils it for you

Tell her she won’t be hanging out with Harry if she can’t get his name right.

Jump onto the stately homes thread. You have bigger problems than a naming spat and there's a lot of wisdom and advice on there from posters who are dealing/dealt with abusive parents.

I would stop discussing the baby with her.

Congratulations x x x
It sounds as if you have a supportive husband & soon a long awaited baby. Don’t let anyone undermine & spoil that.
As a mum your child will look to you , don’t let that joy be overshadowed by the actions of a jealous woman. Not to acknowledge a child’s name is wrong and if your mum wants to play mind games don’t let her near your child
My lovely mum was bullied by my gran since childhood . She always believed she was not worthy of being loved, and was ugly even though she was the loveliest kindest person I’ve ever known. Some of her insecurities have rubbed off on me too.
Don’t allow your mum to Strip away your child’s sense of self

By turning the phones off you’ve shown you and your husband have the strength to not play her games .
It’s up to you now how much power you give her to hurt her.you.
But anyone who thinks it’s acceptable to not acknowledge a child by its name and ridicule things like hair etc isn’t some9ne I’d want in their life.

And I love red hair x x

I get where your mum is coming from but at the end of the day you and your OH are the ones naming your baby and that is all that matters. I have a cousin who has in my books a horrendous name, one I have never liked. Fortunately it is double-barrelled with a nicer name that I do like so I call him by his initials as many others do. Wonder if I am not the only one who dislikes his name. For info, it's not Harry. You could do the royal thing and call him Henry

Call your child whatever you want. there is no need for here to control or manipulate you. There is absolutely no need for her to be involved in your life or your child's if she can't be a positive part of it.

Talk to her, give her the option to be involved or not and let her know that these are the only options in her control.

Over my dead body would someone call my child BJ.

Stick with it and then I hope you find the strength to go low contact at the very least. She sounds awful.

Honestly, the name is kind of irrelevant. I'd be thinking very hard about what exposure I would want my son to have to someone who is abusive and has a drink problem.

Totally not the point of the thread but the name BJ is cruel.

You need to look up the grey rock technique and sharing so much. Pretend that you've not chosen a name yet, don't tell her when you go in labour - contact her afterwards etc

Giving in to her just makes the batshit reactions worse. She will try to control your child and you need to stop that.

Please consider going no contact or at least low-contact to at least protect your h and baby. This is no way to live.

My son is a Harry and he really likes his name. He gets more Harry Potter comments than Prince Harry but it doesn't bother him as our surname isn't Potter and it's not a bad association.

Harry is a perfectly normal name.

It’s none of her business what you call your child.

Please don’t take any notice of her.

Congratulations, by the way!

You really need to come to grips with the fact your mum is toxic and you'd be better off going low/no contact with her. Especially when you have the baby. It's sad, but she'll be no sort of person to lean on when you're vulnerable. Put in solid boundaries, stop letting her bully and manipulate yo, don't see or speak to her if that's what it takes.

I'm scared that when my baby arrives she will control me and manipulate me into doing things her way

This is your problem, not your baby's name - you have an abusive relationship with her. Now is an ideal time to draw line in the sand and do some research, talk to a counsellor on the phone, read the Stately Homes thread and walk away from her.

You surely don't want her ruining your child's life too do you? Can your DP help you with this? Are there any other family, your Dad? Siblings?

Among other things, it sounds like your mum is an alcoholic. NACOA is a really good organisation. Why don't you give them a call? www.nacoa.org.uk/

@nellythenarwhal
You mention the grey rock method...... I have done this over the last year or so with her. It was hard at first but it started to work until we got the positive pregnancy test. I will continue it though

Maybe suggest your mum posts “her” issue over the name on Gransnet....“to get some opinions”?

That should sort her out 😂

I agree with PP - I would be thinking about going VL or NC.

Do I stick with Harry? - I cannot believe you are asking this question!!!!

Tell her she either calls him by his name or you will keep him at a distance from her, so that he does not get confused. Gosh she sounds like a prize cow!!!

Well, if she has such little respect for you and your child, her grandchild, that she won't use his name, then she won't be seeing him.

If she decides to grow up and pull her head out of her arse then perhaps you can consider allowing her to have a relationship with him.

I had a similar problem with MIL. We decided to keep the name to ourselves until she was born but DH told MIL behind my back what we had picked. She went on and on that she didn't like it and thought the name was "common". I stood my ground and said we liked it and we were sticking with it. For the rest of the pregnancy she kept suggesting names, I would just humour her. When she was born we named her the name we picked, about 6 hours after I had given birth she tried to tell me that we were making a mistake with the name we had picked. Needless to say, I stuck with it and she is 2 now. She hasn't mentioned it since. I think DH had a word with her on the quiet!

I would start off calling her by various names that she doesnt like, then I would pay her back for all the rest of it
she's got it coming:)

I agree with @DishingOutDone

That's why you need to take a mental step back OP. What can she do to control you?

What she can do is manipulate your emotions. She can................make you feel bad.

Which sounds like a trite response in answer to ''what can she do?'' but you have to retrain yourself to respond to her manipulations by just sitting with the excruciating discomfort that comes from feeling guilty/ungrateful/cruel/dramatic. (whatever you've been manipulated in to feeling).

Do not try to get rid of those feelings by going BACK to her to defend your choices or seek her approval.

Sit with the feelings. Eventually they diminish and pass.

And then, the next time, the feelings aren't quite so excruciatingly awful.