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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Eleven yr old wants to change her name

223 replies

ErskineMay · 14/01/2018 22:32

My 11 year old says she hates her name. She wants to change it this summer as she moves from primary to secondary. This is not a flash in the pan obsession, she has hated her name for a country or of years and has been fixated on one particular new name for about six months.

What would others do in this situation? Should we say she can do what she likes at 16 or should we support the change now?

OP posts:

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LoveProsecco · 15/01/2018 05:55

I think it may be Joan or Edna

EggsonHeads · 15/01/2018 06:11

I had a childhood friend who wanted to do that. In her defence her parents gave her a ridiculous name that was very difficult to pronounce in English (this was in the 90's when the majority of our peers had traditional English names). She wanted to change it to shakira. Obviously her parents wouldn't let her and she eventually accepted her name in her late teens and stopped talking about becoming shakier thabk God.

AJPTaylor · 15/01/2018 06:13

My dneice changed her name at 13. Properly, deed poll,passport the lot. It meant a lot to her.

Rtmhwales · 15/01/2018 06:17

My mum allowed me to change my name at age 12 legally. I’m now 29 and have never regretted the change or what I changed it to once. I never felt like the other name and I feel like my real name is the one I have. If she’s remained consistent on hating it, I would let her.

SofiaAmes · 15/01/2018 06:18

If that's the worst that your dd wants to do in her tweens and teens, just let her do it. It's hardly an evil or dangerous thing and there is no safeguarding reason to object. From what you describe, she's thought this through and it's been important to her for a long time. The worst that happens is that she decides to change back at some point. And the best is that she truly knows that when something is emotionally important to her, her parents will back her up and that is an invaluable trust to have between a teenager (which she will be in a flash) and their parents.

SofiaAmes · 15/01/2018 06:21

P.S. My dd went through a phase of wanting to change her name at that age and I said yes, but she couldn't decide on what to change it and didn't. Now that she's a teenager she's decided that when she goes to university she will switch to her full given name which is fairly unpronounceable instead of the shortened version that we call her. And maybe by the time she gets to university she will have changed her mind again. The most important part is that she feels in control of things that are important to her (and which I choose not to intervene in because they aren't related to her health or safety).

rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 06:32

Can you consider 'trying' out her new name for a few months before she begins and then ask the school to use it as a nickname/preferred name? giving her a few more years to think about it. You can agree to change it for university if that is what she still wants.

I am worried she is too young to make sure a big decision and remember feeling ill at ease with myself at this age, it is a stage, and she may very well change her mind again.

That said, if you change it now you can have all of her exams etc in her new name making it much easier in the future.

I would still with moderated/preferred name and switch just before GCSES if she still feel as strongly.

rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 06:33

still - stick

rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 06:34

Also I would be concerned it could trigger an identity crisis.

I think you need to be careful actually, and I would take further advice before deciding.

Wallofglass · 15/01/2018 06:46

Does she get teased for her name? Do other children comment on it?

SavoyCabbage · 15/01/2018 07:03

I’d try trying it out for a few months like rocketgirl says. See how you all find it. Then you will have a bit more of an idea of what’s what before secondary transition days and form filling in etc.

My dh changed his name to his middle name as an adult. It was pretty painless. His mum and dad still use his original name which is fair enough I suppose.

TroysMammy · 15/01/2018 07:10

Couldn't she call herself Anna or Annie?

Battleax · 15/01/2018 07:13

You know her.

I think it entirely depends on the eleven year old in question (how mature, how intent, how well they understand the permenance).

NeverUseThisName · 15/01/2018 07:40

I was X known as Y for most of my childhood. I hated my X name. In my 20s I added Y officially. I kept X as a middle name out of respect to my parents (family name, like OP's). After 10-15 years of not having to explain about my names I grew to like my X name, and would happily be called it ! Only, of course, no-one ever does .

So my perspective is that, as your dd has been consistent about this for a couple of years, you should respect her views. This forthcoming transition point is a good time to make a change. Presumably she knows the importance of her name to you? I would suggest the X known as Y compromise, at least until she reaches adulthood.

Wow1234 · 15/01/2018 07:54

Sorry OP must make you feel sad as the name was one you chose due to its significance to you.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes but if she does change it I would be inclined to keep her current first name as a second middle name if you know what I mean so add the new name at the start.

Do you like her choice of new name? Do you feel it will suit her better? What does your husband think? Have you talked to her about how beautiful and wonderful your mother is and how you felt it was an honour to share that name?

llangennith · 15/01/2018 08:05

Sometimes girls dislike their given name but not many feel that strongly that they want to change it.
I’d say let her change it ASAP. You’ll all get used to it soon enough.
If I had been born a boy my father wanted me named after himself and his father. So glad I didn’t get lumbered with that name though they gave me the female version of it as a middle name. I never use it.

Starryskiesinthesky · 15/01/2018 08:07

I would let her. I understand it feels bad after doing it in memory of your mum but it is your sentiment not your daughters.

I do think lots of people grow up to appreciate their unusual names which is why i would do it informally but what is the worst that can happen? She regrets it and changes back which isn't too bad.

BertrandRussell · 15/01/2018 08:08

"Have you talked to her about how beautiful and wonderful your mother is and how you felt it was an honour to share that name?"Don't do this- it's emotional blackmail. Just let her change.

YellowPrimula · 15/01/2018 08:14

I'm thinking Ruth , I would suggest trying out a name , obviously it depends on how mature she is but I suppose only you can gauge how much of an issue this is for her.

JellyTots123 · 15/01/2018 08:17

She will do it anyway as soon as she’s allowed so why not do it now? Better her be happy at school than to dread people asking what her name is

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 15/01/2018 08:38

My child has just moved into secondary and he knows of 3 cases.

A boy who was known by his nickname since Reception becoming the full name version of his name - think Tommy becoming Tom
A girl who's gone with a completely new name - think Sophie becoming Alex.
A boy who's become the initial version of his name- think James becomes JJ

The girl hasn't changed her name by deed poll. The school forms have her down as Sophie known as Alex and when there are subs who use the birth certificate name, they are corrected without issue.

rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 08:48

Yes we have the same in our school, at least four or five children that have 'known as' names. No one thinks about their real names or cares, it is simply understood that they are x.

The forms can be done later after a few years when you are more confident that she has the maturity to change it and stick with it.

A name is fundamental to the sense of who the child is, their name is important, but it would be sad to officially change it for her to become quite sad about that loss later on. Or she may become anxious about it later.
I would also be talking to her about the reasons, is there a deeper problem with how she feels about herself. We have a friend of similar age who sees a name change as a chance to reinvent herself into something more beautiful and special, her need for a name change is clearly a problem of self esteem and her mother is not allowing the change and is working on self acceptance instead.

If there isn't a deeper problem and it is just her name, I am all for her starting her new school with her new name after trial period of all of you using it, and then changing officially by deed poll in a few years when you are absolutely certain.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 15/01/2018 08:56

I would let her change it, it’s her life, her name. I’d be sad though as it was your Choice.

WazFlimFlam · 15/01/2018 08:57

No wonder your DD is a bit pissed off with her name, you haven't really given her one, just named her after yourself and your mum. That stuff's cute when they are babies but probably wearing pretty thin now she is becoming a person in her own right.

I have a friend who changed her name to her middle name (an option you haven't given your daughter) at about the same age, following a similar pattern to what you described. 20 years later it has more than stuck!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/01/2018 09:00

How old fashioned is the name OP? Is it on a par with Carole, Enid, Beverley, Sharon, Ada type thing? Are there any other people she knows with this name?

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