Eleven yr old wants to change her name

[ErskineMay]

My 11 year old says she hates her name. She wants to change it this summer as she moves from primary to secondary. This is not a flash in the pan obsession, she has hated her name for a country or of years and has been fixated on one particular new name for about six months.

What would others do in this situation? Should we say she can do what she likes at 16 or should we support the change now?

Lark, that's a great idea, it might keep everyone happy but leave her an 'out' in the future if she regrets changing it.

If she's truly hated her name for years let her use the name she's chosen for herself the longer you leave it the harder it will be for others around her to get used to the change. Maybe she can go by her chosen name to test it out for a while before officially changing it?

More relevant post*

I hated my name growing up. I won’t go in to too much detail but take a look at my user name and I’m a girl :) I thought it was manly and made me seem butch. Which is ridiculous but I was just a child. I’m now older (and wiser) and love my name and love the shortened version as a nickname which all my friends and family call me x

If there has been some consistency I would probably support her to start secondary with a "known as" name; don't know exactly how it would work. My daughter changed schools at 13 and we had a long discussion over the possibility of introducing herself with a different name at her new school. The only reason it didn't happen was that she couldn't actually decide on a name she liked enough ... We were thinking more along the lines of a nickname approach as both her first and middle names come with a lot of legitimate options.

I suspect the most practical way to do it is to add it as an additional middle name and then use it as her known name?

I knew a girl who was called Fanny and changed her name at secondary for obvious reasons,

I think children need to feel if they have control over their life, their identitym that they're heard and respected.

If she changes her name and gets bored of her new one, she'll just have to put up with it.

I've always liked my name, but when I went to senior school I shorted it to its diminutive which is a name in itself. (It was 4 syllables orgincilly)

If I hadn't been 'allowed' I would have felt distressed and disempowered.

The people I know who dislike their names - it never went away.

My step nieces and nephews changed their names as they went to secondary school. They didn’t change them formally- just became “known as”. Two of them did the deed poll thing when they were 18- the other hasn’t bothered. We had a little ceremony each time when they announced their new name to family and friends. It was really nice.

I've never been keen on my name but if I'd picked a name for myself at 11 I dread to think what I'd be called. I would empathise with her and say that you'll support her changing her name but just not yet. The names you like at that age are often not what you would choose as an adult.

I would add the new name as an extra middle name and call her by that.

Then if she changes her mind she still has her old one, but can say the new one is a middle name that everyone calls her

Scuz poor typing.

Does she want everyone who knows her now (you, brothers/sisters, family, friends etc) to call her by her new name if she changes it? How weird will that be for you?

I always hated my name as a child. It's very old fashioned, but not cool old fashioned.

I would have loved to have changed it, but never did. It also doesn't come with any nicknames or shortened variations.

Either add it as a middle name officially and then refer to her as that, or keep her current name and then as others have suggested tell the school she wishes to be referred to as Tabitha or whatever it is. Someone at my school did this. His real name was Charles but everyone called him bobby, to the point it wasn't until year 11 I realised his real name wasn't bobby or some variation.

Let her trial the name during the school holidays, she may not like it as much as she thinks.

Maybe remind her that when you chose her name it meant a lot you you and your Mum and that there is nothing wrong with being unique.

I would support my daughter in changing. Her happiness is important.

I find it sad because she is named after my mother who was Ann amazing woman who died far too young. So for me her name is very special and I find it hard to be dispassionate about the whole issue. I probably shouldn’t have named her after my mum, it’s a lot to bare being named in memorial of someone.

Her name is very hard to shorten so there aren’t many obvious nicknames. Just one really and she doesn’t want to be known as that.

Her preferred name is not a similar style to her siblings’ names so it would fit fine with the family.

Typo! It is a similar style to her siblings’. I don’t know how a “not” crept into that sentence.

I hated my name as an 11 year old. Insisted on a nickname for the entire of secondary school which I also hated but was better than my real name. Went back to proper name when I started university and haven't given it another thought. Had I been allowed to change it at 11, I'd hate that name now!!

I realize that I am repeating myself: ABSOLUTELY allow it if this is something that has been ongoing. I am in my 5th decade and still daydream my life if I had had a "normal" name.

MY grandmother wanted a perfectly good name but my mother refused and my nasty, mean cousin got it. I got an unpopular, old fashioned, ugly name and my mother made me feel guilty that I hated it.

I changed it when we moved to a shortened version and I got into much trouble. My grandmother (Who hated her old fashioned name) and dh gave me courage to stand up to my mother.

A name is a personal thing that each of us wears everyday. Having a name that one does not like is similar to wearing a top that is too tight.
Embarrassing and uncomfortable. Please allow her to feel comfortable and confident. I dreaded introducing myself, I still feel that my name made me stand out, i lived with it to be kind to my mother but as a mother, I would give permission to change dc's name in a second.

I would feel upset if it were my mum's name too. In that case I would move your mum's name to her middle name. So she keeps it as part of her name, but has a new first name.

Perhaps she could keep her name as another middle name, just putting her preferred name at the front? Then she'd still be honouring your mother

Cross posted!

I would suggest that she adds her preferred name as a second middle name and goes by that name for the time being. Schools are well set up for children who have a preferred name which is not their legal given name. So she would be Helen Tabitha Smith Jones, known as Tabitha.

My parents actually gave me the option of changing my name when I went to secondary school. I was going to one with only a few friends from my old school so they felt it was a good time to do it.

I elected not to. I have a game that is very much of it's era and it's quite easy to age me with it, but I neither loved nor loathed it so I kept it!

So like from Barbara to Matilda?

I'd let her do 'known as'.

I missed the named after your mother part. She can be called anything that she wants in school without officially changing it. My middle name is a familial name. I love it. Would your mother want her granddaughter unhappy? If she officially changed it, she could use her grandmother's name for a middle name?

I didn't like my (very unusual) name at school, but I'm grateful for it now.

I know one 11 year old who changed his name, his parents supported him, then two years later he's changed it back. It's caused a fair amount of confusion!