Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 2

[LittlePoot]

Dear all lovely ladies past, present and future. Welcome to support thread number two, to help us through the anxious TTC waiting, early scary weeks of pregnancy, nasty scans and tests, growing bumps and babies and everything in between. May this thread bring luck and (eventual) joy to us all and at least we'll all be here to hold eachothers' hands along the way. x

Oh Kittens. Life is so rotten sometimes. I'm not sure what could be said to improve your mood, as I know that although others have got pregnant after trying (and older than you too, you are only 40 after all) there are yet others who haven't and it is too easy to say 'well so and so had luck' when you also know the other side of the equation.

I think it was possibly BusierBee who said about trying to leave a margin for hope, or something along those lines, trying not to decide that your fate lies one way or the other but treading the faint line of hope and focusing on that. I really hope that things do work out for you, I really do.

And as for going through your 20s and swearing you had no interest in children, that was me too. Perhaps it was something about our generation, seeing only the ties of having children. I never thought I would have children, never thought I would be a mum... then because a friend told me she couldn't have children and was on IVF I suddenly realised it might not be my choice to make, which made me want to make that choice, if you see what I mean. I was lucky, and I know that all the more so now after losing Iola last summer. Thankfully my friend after a number of years now also has her baby and I am SO pleased for her.

I remember seeing a programme recently about babies, and about all our eggs already being in us when we're born, which is why at my age my eggs are old. But the eggs that made my children are incredibly special - if I'd had other children at an earlier age I would never have DS or DD, not the DS or DD that I have. So I'm glad I held on, even if not for any special reason other than not thinking about having children. They may be old eggs but they were vintage ones...

Just realised last bit of last post sounds rather smug and insensitive & I really didn't mean it to. I'm just so grateful to have the kids I have.

Don't worry Numpty, I didn't read it that way. Anyway, this thread is like a special room where all our unintentional sad, jealous, bitter feelings towards other people's pregnancies are not relevant.

Funilly enough, I was on a thread in "am I being unreasonable?" about misuse of the word vintage. I mentioned that the dictionary definition denotes a certain level of quality rather than purely age. So, what you say rings very true. I know what you mean about your past (mis)fortunes meaning that your kids are who they are too. Maybe I'm holding out for a special one too

Hello all,

Just a quick congrats to both Drama and Crazycat on their excellent news Sorry for leading you up the garden path re: finding out the sex with the quick results Drama - maybe that's only CVS's?

Yes, loving the nicknames for the thread babies, and Coffee your suggestion of Catbaby is probably a lot better than mine which was Crazybaby (though I think that's cute too :) ). Hope you're feeling a bit better

Am also loving getting to see pics of the littlies. Allstars, what a cutie Littlestar is, and your daughter is simply beautiful.

Kittens, fingers firmly crossed for you. I read AIBU occassionally for a bit of a laugh (usually). Haven't seen the thread you mentioned, but have been reading a bit of a doozy of one, which I of course won't go into here, but is quite sad all round really. I have a feeling it's not finished with either (not that you have to be Einstein to figure that out).

Well, must go tend to my sooky Bella who has her third cold in the last month :(

Enjoy your Sunday everyone xxx

Hi Ladies,

Sorry haven't posted in a while, i've been
poorly with a nasty cold/cough bug.

Just wanted to wish CrazyCat congrats! fab news, again, gives me hope that my pregnancy ( still not sure i dare emotionally call it a baby!) might proceed ok.

Having Kittens-i totally and utterly sympathise and send you lots and lots of hugs and positive vibes and stuff! hoping you soon get what you wish for.

I'm Still finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the woman at work who is a wk further along than i would've been. Every time I see her and her bump i just wonder how mine would've been by now if things were different. She was moaning that she couldn't get the winter coat she wanted because she has a 'big, huge, fat ' bump and i just wanted to seethe at her that if that's her main problem with her pregnancy then, really bully for her! I also wanted to scream 'shut up you insensitive sod!' at her but couldn't!

I'm sure i'm over reacting due to a combi of pregnant hormones and increasing anxiety as what would've been my due date draws near but it just bloody, bloody hurts - a raw feeling in my gut that just doesn't go. I sobbed the other night to DH about how lonely i feel. Lonely as everyone else is preggers or has got their baby, lonely as we decided to not tell anyone about this pregnancy yet and i can only share my fears about this one with my admittedly brill DH.

sorry ladies, i did intend to be more supportive and ask others on here about themselves in this post instead of being a selfish sod but it just came tumbling out!

I will get better at this as i pick up more of people's back stories, but it takes some reading through!
love to you all x

Hi Mooms, I think we've all found certain others bumps hard to deal with at times - especially those that tend to whinge about how hard their life with their bump is! Don't feel for a minute that you are being selfish offloadimg it here, and not addressing others. You will no doubt get to know us over time. My story is that I now have a beautiful, healthy 8 month old DD, following a termination of a DS pregnancy in 2008. I also have two teenage DD's - should have 3, though my first DD, Sheridan, died at 3 months old (SIDs, though she did also have obvious sleep apnaea - I don't want to freak all the new mummies out). I hope your cold is clearing; miserable stuff xx

Speaking of Sheridan, I'm about to upload a couple of pics of her to my profile. Just thought I'd warn in case anyone found this a bit uncomfortable, which I would totally understand. You'll have to excuse the quality (especially of the second one) - they are photos of photos (no digital cameras back then!)

Love to all xx

Hello everyone, I?ve kept away for a couple of days, I?ve lurked but I have felt sick and very tired so have been unable to post properly.

Mishta, I don?t think anyone will find Sheridan?s photos upsetting. She is beautiful and thank you for sharing them with us. The hell you must have been through, I can't even begin to imagine it! xxxx

Mooms, don?t worry about offloading in here. Totally normal about bumps ? I still have bump envy, and I?m 19 weeks. I would say something to your colleague if she is insensitive though - not abruptly, as maybe she is unaware of the effect her words have on you (people do tend to be absorbed in their own pregnancies), but maybe just a hint that she is lucky if she only has the size of her bump to complain about.

Kittens, I hope you are feeling a bit brigher today and that your appointment goes well and gives you a bit of hope. Maybe the aspirin and the vitamins will be what you needed ? I read many stories of women swearing by aspirin. I am sorry you are feeling down and I do hope that it will soon just work out.

Numpty, I don?t think you have been insensitive, on the contrary what you said makes a lot of sense. I remember also what Cantdo was saying once in here or on the other thread, that the pain of losing her little girls is still here, but life is unimaginable without little miss Cantdo, so it has all changed.

I wish I could explain what I mean better, but I think you will understand nevertheless (after all, you are all used with my ramblings by now :) ). My post-scan relief has worn off and I am back to my cautious self (to my dh?s despair, who says I am just being negative). I had a horrible nightmare about being back in the scan room and them telling me the brain has not developed properly again... just fear I guess, but it has lingered all day.

Anyway, I?d better go and do some work. Have a good week everyone! xxxx

Hello all. Hope all is well. And massive congratulations to Drama and crazycat - so pleased to hear the news.

Oh mooms - much sympathy for you having to deal with your colleague right now. I was (still am a bit) extremely bitter about other (smug) pregnant people just after my termination and miscarriage - particularly those due when I should have been. I don't know how to stop it - I think just unloading here helped me the most. At the moment, I've got two colleagues at work almost exactly as pregnant with me. One has had a nightmare - a miscarriage and a terminated pregnancy for anancephaly, and we've really bonded over the whole sorry experience. The other though is frankly smug and annoying. Her first phrase when announcing she was pregnant was 'and we weren't even trying! It was an accident.'. Hmmmmm. A likely story given that she's at least 40 and got pregnant about one month after getting married. I'm afraid I did snap slightly and interrupted her at one point to say that it actually wasn't that easy a ride for everyone and this was my third pregnancy. She has never said it again.....and later admitted (to someone else) that what she really meant was that it was a surprise as they hadn't been trying for very long. Other people can be hard work at the best of times, let alone when they're a bit tactless and insensitive and you're a bag of nervous hormones. And don't even get me started on my brother-in-law and his wife - just a week behind us now after telling us at Christmas they didn't really want children.....grrrrrr! Vent to us as much as you want/need and we'll seeth at her for you. xxx

Kittens - did you make it to the haematologist? Anything new come out? I'm keeping everything so tightly crossed for you - I can't tell you how much I want this to work for you. The extra folic and other vits and the aspirin make it a really different environment when you do next get pg, so I hope that makes the difference. I just wish there was something more useful I could say. xxx

Lots of love to everyone else too - hope everyone's hanging on in there. xxxx

Thank you everyone for your nice messages. I was feeling a bit tearful on Saturday when I posted.

I went to the hematologist today. She was very nice and compassionate but said that nothing really had come up in the tests that would indicate a risk of miscarriage. She said that was good news overall as it means I'm healthy but she also said that 2 miscarriages is bad luck, 3 and over probably means there is some reason but they just don't know what. The antithrombin came back completely normal this time but she send me to have it tested again just to make doubly sure. They have tested for all the immune stuff too, nothing. So, she has recommended the 75mg asprin which I have already started taking and that I have very regular scans starting at 6 weeks next time. She said there is some research that says having this level of care and monitoring can have a positive effect on the success rate of the pregnancy. It's difficult to explain why as obviously they aren't intervening or doing anything directly to the pregnancy. She said maybe it's as simple as the feel good hormones from being constantly reassured and seeing your baby developing but she reckons there's something in it. So, there you go. That's where I'm at so far.

Coffee, sorry you're back to feeling apprehensive again. I can understand, it's so hard to let yourself believe everything will be alright until you meet your little one face to face. Hang in there and pop in here anytime you need support.

Kittens, it really seems like you're very well looked after. I can only imagine how frustrating it is not to find any apparent reason, but on the other hand you must be somewhat reassured by what she said, admitting that sometimes the reasons are not known. It's certainly better than brushing off your concerns by saying it was just bad luck. And if she believes in aspirin and frequent monitoring after 6 weeks, you seem to be on the right track. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for a BFP soon, and for a change of luck - you so deserve it.

Little Poot, what is it with people publicly announcing if they are/were trying to get pregnant or not?! I can understand talking about it with friends, but it strikes me as totally inadequate to just shout it out loud. And don't even get me started on the "when are you planning to have children?" question!

Hi everyone. Sorry; it's been a while between posts. Been lurking, but struck dumb, somehow.

Kittens your Dr sounded very nice. Interesting about the scans and the 'feel good hormones' theory. It must feel good to be at least doing something different already, I mean with the aspirin and folic acid? Maybe the placebo effect will be tied up there too? I really hope you fall pregnant soon Kittens.

I must be jinxing my chances, because all my thoughts on the matter lately have been "what is our Plan B going to be?", in case next time goes badly too, or I can't get pregnant again. Think I'm going to go home and see a fertility specialist and perhaps at least freeze some eggs soon. Before they get any more vintage! (Loved your take on it, Numpty).

However, I should be channelling some positive thoughts, so how about this one:
if I manage to have my own thread baby, its thread name will have to be Starlet. Cute, hey?

It was great to meet up with Numpty a few days ago and our DSs played and I got to cuddle Josie for ages! She is gorgeous and one very happy baby, smiling and laughing away. She found me very amusing (think it was my big teeth). Very good for me to be around babies. I wouldn't be surprised if it has some hormonal effect.

Mooms, hope you are feeling better after your nasty bug.

And hope everyone else is getting some rest and relaxation. Easy to say, I know.

I am looking forward to seeing some of your photos next time I am on the computer (this phone won't do them justice).
X x

Hello all.

First of all, most importantly, and before launching rant, so great to hear all the good news from everyone.

Been away on holiday (which was a disaster as DS got sick and we had to go to hospital in south of France then come home early) and since I returned been having nightmares at work with my boss. She is a bully and I have been so stressed I have been a nervous wreck. I even broke down in tears in front of the doctor when he asked me how I was last time I went for a consultation. I think he now thinks I am completely, not just a bit, hysterical. It is unusual for me to get into that kind of stress about anything.

Anyway no further news for me and I have to wait another 2 weeks for my so called 20 week scan (so it will be nearly 22 weeks). I am really nervous about this. I don't know why they had to leave it so late. I think it was because last time the problem was heart related they want to give it maximum chance to develop. However 22 weeks is getting late, as many here know, for a termination, if they did find anything. I try not to think along those lines, but it isn't easy.

Have had to tell work as was concerned that my crazy boss was going to try to sack me! And now my crazy boss has gone around telling everyone so people pop into my office every half hour or so to say "heard the news, congratulations". It's nearly driving me over the edge!

Nothing I can do except sit tight, some more, and hope for the best.

And final moan it's DH's birthday the day before the scan, don't know what to get him and he's being predictably evasive about what he might want. Grrrrrrrr. I'm just not in creative gift buying mood!

Mimsy, it looks like I'll be back on the bus with you again this month. I guess my Saturday night tears were largely PMT based after all.

Friends do ask me what my plan b would be (in the nicest possible way) and I have told them I'm not even going to think about it until it becomes an issue. Right now I am still hoping things will work out for me. I may think differently if the next time goes tits up though. I have said to my OH that if I'm not pregnant by next spring I will buy myself a motorbike. I love bikes and haven't ridden one since I changed career 16 years ago because I need a car for work and haven't been able to afford both but now I am in a better financial position. This way, if I get pregnant it will be a good reason for me to resign myself to not having a bike again and if I don't then at least I have a small consolation whilst I carry on trying. Obviously I wouldn't dare ride it if I did fall pregnant and would sell it with joy once I have the all clear. So, that's one plan. Maybe it will work along the same lines as the sports car idea.

Sorry to hear your scan is so late Rachel. Fingers crossed for you that all will be just fine. So, rude of your boss to tell your news for you!

Sorry Kittens. Here we go round again then! I am ovulating soon (POAS earlier ), which is good timing because DH is going soon. Would hate to have missed a month.

I like your motorbike plan. I am not a rider but have been a passenger on a few trips when I was on holiday in Italy, and it was incredible. The thought of it still brings a smile to my face, even after all these years!

RushingRachel - sorry to hear you've been through the mill. Is your DS better?

If you are really worried re scan, perhaps phone them and see if they could squeeze you in earlier? Worth a try. Or your GP could phone on your behalf (as he/she knows how stressed you are ATM, they could suss it out for you.)

Hope your DH has come up with some pressie hints for you. My DH was like that one year, and he ended up a Kenwood Chef (I thought I might as well buy something that one of us would like!)

Hi all, hope the nice weather is lifting everyone's mood - we've been ridiculously overdressed the last couple of days...

Rachel, as Mimsy suggests perhaps ask if there's any chance to have an earlier scan - the last scan I got was at 18wks and although DD does have a small hole in her heart, I guess anything major would show up by 20wks. I'm sorry your boss has been a PITA. Mine asked whether I was pregnant early on this time round and I found that difficult enough to deal with; I think people who've not been through this sort of situation just don't 'get' that we might not want to share our 'good news' until we really believe it IS good. I didn't share the news generally until after DD was born!

Mimsy - it was really great to see you and your DS the other day, perhaps we'll meet up on the buses this Sunday?

xx to all.

(oh, and I think Mimsy's Kenwood was a totally justified present for her DH, I'm sure he benefits from its use!)

My OH actually asked for a food processor for one of his 40th birthday. He doesn't cook much but he certainly does reap the benefits. He does make a mean milkshake though

Hello all,
Good news! i had my full results back this morning and all is well with our little GIRL! there we go i'm a pink spot in a sea of blue lol.
Hope everyone else is well, liking the food processor idea! ran it past OH though and he wasn't impressed...oh well.
Lots of love xxx

Lovely news Drama :) So pleased for you!!

Good luck for your scan Rachel. I don't know if 'they' realise just how hard the waiting is. As for DH's birthday present - he better give you an idea quick smart or he might just end up with a kitchen appliance - my DH's present for Father's Day just gone was a slow cooker - I let him use it once then packed it away for our new house :)

Coffee, thank you. I hope you are feeling a bit better. I totally understand your continued fear despite your reassuring scans. I can't count the times DH would say to me 'Just try to relax and enjoy it' (the pregnancy) - and I would be like 'I'm not going to so get used to it' (or words to that effect). Looking back now with my rose-coloured glasses, I have so many fond memories of my pregnancy despite my worries at the time. I'm sure you will too. It's funny the things we remember too - I can barely listen to the Black Eyed Peas 'Meet me halfway' without tearing up with nostalgia (out of all songs!), as I remember tapping my pregnant belly to the beat of the song so many times while pregnant. I wonder what your fond memories will be?

Must go but a hello and love to everyone else xxx

Drama - great news! Sorry I didn't post sooner, saw it yesterday but DD was unsettled so kept waking up. Really hope the rest of your pregnancy can be relaxed and straightforward .

Mishtabel - I LOVE my slow cooker, life saver at present in our family as DD always needs to feed just as DS is wanting/needing his evening meal. Using the slow cooker means I can get it sorted in the morning, stir a couple of times during the day then dish up when required in the evening. Lots of recipes online too - check out A Year of Slow Cooking for ideas.

Those men better take heed and give guidance for presents .

Such fantastic news drama - so lovely to hear all is well with your little girl. I hope that's settled things down for you and I hope you can relax and enjoy a lot more now. Such fantastic news.

All well here. Getting bigger and getting kicked more and more, so can only assume all is well. I even finally bought a 'baby thing' yesterday - a cute and quite unneccessary little jacket from John Lewis. Not quite ready to move on to pushchairs and the like, but maybe in a few more weeks. We went to a baby and toddler show today, which was far less hellish than I thought it might be. A few useful contacts actually, particularly for stuff to do afterwards - exercise and baby swimming and all that malarkey. Even better was the Clarins lady giving free shoulder massages and discounts on the mother-to-be massage session.....I booked myself in for two later in the year! Unfortunately, I also managed to freak myself out completely watching the 'virtual tour' of our maternity hospital. Seeing a happy couple in the room I 'gave birth' in, complete with their baby, which was obviously something I didn't have - that wasn't good at all. Must speak to my midwife about options - see what other options there are to avoid ever having to see the inside of that room again. :(

Oh Poot, poor you re virtual tour, I was 'lucky' enough that at my hospital (now closed) they had a room that was devoted to early labour/birth either because of late miscarriage or ending a pregnancy. I'm actually surprised that other hospitals don't do the same, I assumed it was the norm. I'd definitely ask about this as you need to be as unstressed as possible when going into labour, otherwise 'fight or flight' takes over and things slow up.

Really wish I could see all the bumps, I'm actually finding it hard to visualise where people are at now.

Re actually getting baby stuff, I think clothing is the most 'real' thing you can get, it's actually going on the little person inside you - and there's lots of cute stuff out there. You might want to see if there are any NCT sales in your area as they are great places for picking up decent second hand stuff. Having said that, I got our pram new as I knew it would get loads of wear and wanted something that wasn't already used. Online, Kiddicare is good. Re classes, with DS I went to baby massage, baby yoga (sounds v middle class but was good fun!) and 'ducklings' swimming run by our council. Poor DD doesn't get to enjoy these things as I just like catching up on the days I have her! I will take her swimming though, soon.

Anyway better go off to bed. xx

Great news Drama, I bet you had a good week-end. And a little girl, so they were right in the first place :)

Poot, it must have been so hard at the hospital. At my local hospital they have a SANDS room, so I was spared having to give birth in the delivery suite. I'm sure they will put you in another room when the time comes. I had my booking in appointment in the same room as the first time, and the mw was not aware of it, she said that if I had told her she would have made sure she found another room, so they are very sympathetic.

Mishta, you are right about the nice memories we create anyway. I am terrified now in the run-up to another scan, but I gave up trying not to bond with Coffeebean. I realised that losing him would tear me apart anyway, but if anything I would regret not the love I gave, but the one I didn?t.

Mimsy, Starlet is an excellent thread name, I?m keeping my fingers crossed s/he will make an appearance soon!

Rachel, did you speak with them about another scan? They should understand you are anxious, and I am surprised they aren?t offering you an additional scan actually. Very insensitive of your boss to tell people on your behalf.

Speaking of insensitive people, can I have a massive rant? We went to a bbq birthday party and I met a ?friend? who didn?t know about this pregnancy until she saw me, but who knew about Silvia. And she starts telling me how her brother and SIL had something similar happen to them recently, but her SIL got over it really quickly, and that it was me suffering excessively when I actually shouldn?t , as my baby was just an embryo and not a real baby. I was actually looking at her in shock, I felt like slapping her and running away crying at the same time. I told her that I lost my baby at 22 weeks, and at 24 she would have been considered a stillbirth and we would have had to register her, and that a baby at 22 weeks is not an embryo, but she was just going on and on how it?s me who was too sensitive about it! What?s surprising is that she has a 2 year old, so she should really have a clue. Oh, and she also told me to think about all the parents who lose a ?live? baby, and about the fact that I?m lucky I can conceive easily at least.

So I was fuming all day Saturday and to be honest it affected me more than it should have. My dh has been so supportive, as usual, he just says there is no point caring about what people say, that some of them just have no clue. I know it?s true, and like all of us I have put up with several insensitive comments since February, but somehow this had a bigger impact. Maybe it?s my hormones as well, and the fact that I?m getting close to the time when I lost Silvia and some of the rawness is coming back.

Anyway, rant over. I?ll just have to resign myself to the fact that some people are as sensitive as a brick and brace myself up for similar comments from other people in the future. Anyway, even if I had these opinions, I would keep them for myself, this is not a debate for God?s sake!

Grrrr.... ok, I?d better stop now. Sorry for this big ?me, me, me?post. On a lighter note, you ladies will convince me to buy a slowcooker. And anything kitchen-related would be the best present for my dh, who loves cooking. I?m actually thinking about a pasta machine for Christmas.

Coffee I cannot believe the conversation you had at the bbq... I'm sorry you had to listen to all that, must have been very distressing.

Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if her SIL hasn't confided in her at all, she doesn't sound the most sensitive or empathetic of sorts...

I know none of us would wish upon anyone the agony we've been through, but sometimes an occasional idiot makes me wish I could open the window just a chink and let them see.

I'm so angry and upset on your behalf . I hope you're feeling a bit less shaken this afternoon.

I have been totally lame with keeping up with the thread recently and promise to do better over the coming weeks . All well with us - DH and I cannot agree on names, but I am very thankful to be at 21 weeks and feeling Catbaby moving around a lot.

DD would be totally delighted if I gave birth to a cat... Although she's busy pointing at my tummy every five minutes and saying 'hello Elmo' through my bellybutton!