support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Thinking of Marj today.
No need to contact us as we are thinking of you and ready for you when you need us.
Hugs
BB x

Busierbee, I was on your other thread a few weeks ago and have come back - amazed - at the development of this new area of mumsnet.

It was always so badly needed and has plugged a real hole in the support available. I only wish it had been here when we were in the thick of it. But it's here now - and that's all down to you, ladies.

Busierbee, I'm surprised what you've been told about PGD and T21. The negatives we heard from our (idiot) consultant were due to her concerns over the process, rather than it not being appropriate for screening for this particular chromosome. Can you get a second opinion? I've become a massive fan of those in recent years.

And Marj - we've not met before but you are very much in my thoughts.

This has the potential to be such a good place. Nobody really wants to be here, but given that we are, how wonderful to be able to offer love and support in this way.

Shangrila - Thank you for your post. We needed it I think! Moral support is always welcome when living through these draining days. Its been a tough few days for a some of the families here.

Hope you are doing ok!?

Hi all
Back after a break - glad I found you again..
I posted on the previous thread - in short for those who don't know me, I had a termination at 18 weeks last March - Annie had severe abnormalities and we were told she wouldn't survive birth... V Lucky to have a lovely 2 and a half yr old DS though - currently with giant top lip as DH decided to let him walk home from childminder last night, and he took a tumble... he's fine though, just doesn't look too good... all part of toddlerhood I guess!
Marj - thinking about you so much - I remember Annie's funeral coming as a bit of a surprise, but it turned into a v emotional but special day....
We've had a horrid week - am definitely no longer pregnant - I think the last time I posted I knew the pregnancy wasn't viable, and hoped that I would just manage the m/c myself. Sudden heavy bleeding last wednesday, ended up in hospital, all pretty grim, and now on iron tablets, and antibiotics for an infection. Just beginning to feel a bit like myself again...
I'm just glad I knew before that things hadn't worked out... I was trying to be so positive too - I went off to work on Wednesday having made the effort not to wear jeans and trainers, full of this is the new me - I can do this.... PHysical symptoms have overtaken emotional ones for the time being, and I don't really know how I am going to feel about it all... but am trying to deal with one thing at a time...
Am sorry to post bad news, and dithered about posting at all... so I hope you don't see me as insensitive...
Back to the drawing board - no idea when we might start trying again - do we wait 3 months again, or just get on with it? Last week wasn't sure could even consider it again, but that's changed now - we too have a 1 in 10 chance that Annie's genetic condition will come up again, but at the moment I still like to see that as a 9 in 10 chance that it won't.
I have been sad to read about the difficult times some of you have been having, but enjoyed the bear theme...
Tree delivery - just wanted to mention that I did an egg donor programme in 2007 - feel free to ask me anything.. whether it is here or you want to start a new thread somewhere, or do that thing where we get in touch by email - just let me know...
Big hugs to all - especially Marj today.
xx

Hello SAM71, thanks for coming back to see us. Am so sorry to hear your news. Do post here if you feel it would help at all.

Thanks for the eggy info - did you donate or recieve?

Hi
Thanks for kind messages.
Tree on the eggs - I donated for a relative...

I'm donating for a friend of a friend. First appointment next month!

Good luck with it all. You mentioned bfing (is that the right shortening for breast feeding?) - I had to stop bfing my DS in order to get my cycle back - I think I stopped when he was about 9 mths, but once I started dropping feeds and introducing a bottle, he kind of wanted to stop anyway, so it was v easy for me. I can't remember how old your DD2 is - anyway - you can go through it all when you have your meeting, and I suspect it will be some time between then and actually starting the programme. There is quite a lot to take on board - exciting times though. For me it was a big commitment, but that was partly due to geography - me in Scotland, relative in France, treatment in Brussels... Hopefully with you it is all a bit more local?
xx

About 3 hours travel - so very do-able to get her a baby. Yes the bf is a thing I have to balence, dd2 right to milk against her need to get going on treatment. I'll have to balence them out.

You are comfortable with your donation? I am 100% I will be. I can't imagine having regrets - except for it not working.

OH I am so so glad to see you here Shangrila and SAM. So glad. I guess we should post a 'change of address' on our threads - Marj Lins and I as would hate to think people need support and do not know we have moved home.
Shangrila - have thought of you - the PGD thing - was info to another mum on ARC in fact who has had two DS pregnancies and is my age. The thinking seems to be that there is a risk involved with PGD to the embryo and that one has more chance of having a healthy baby naturally when it is not a recognised genetic condition. But as you know some of us two timers wonder if there IS an genetic component - just that they do not know about it yet.
Also there has been talk of 'gonadal mosaicism- which means that, whilst the parents genes are fine the egg and sperm carry incorrect genetic info. One cannot test for this as how would you be able to take eggs out, test and put them back.
I am an older woman who possibly has dodgy eggs being the tragic conclusion.
I will go and see geneticist myself.
SAM - sweet lady - you have dealt with another sad loss - and I am so sorry to hear that. But you sound calm and gentle and I hope you were not distressed by my negative attitude to my 1 in ten diagnosis. It mostly comes from my partner and our experience and his feeling that he cannot ask me to do it again. I feel so sad that the hope is dwindling away. PLEASE stay on this thread - if it feels good to - you are connected in already - you do not get away from us that easily.
Lins will be pleased to hear from you I know.
We are all the walking wounded to some extent and I know how valuable this little cyber world is. STAY here for as long and when you like - even if just to read. And you too of course Shangrila - your support and wisdom is so helpful.Lindso and Bezzy I hope you are hanging in there and riding the waves.
Is a busy day on this thread today.
hugs to all who need them
BB x

Also Sam on the one in ten theme(and i CANNOT get that song out of my head ' I am the one in ten' -) i imagine that yours is a true calculated genetic risk - ours is basically - they have no idea really but think it is quite likely. Not reassuring in the slightest. If i genuinely knew/thought that it was one in ten I would be delighted as you say 9 in ten that would be okay.
Guess what i am saying is ... glad you positive and try and stay so my dear.
Let your body recover and your mind adjust to the new reality and we will all hold tight and see what happens.
Look after yourself
BB

My what a busy day on the thread. I have had a busy day with dd who is going through whiny grouchy stage, determined to do everything by herself, but wants help, but nothing I do is right! ARRHH. I do feel sorry for the poor mite, she knows what she wants (very much so) and is getting cross with me for not being telepathic. She's two and a half, going on four, but then suddenly one again. phew.

Shangrila and Samr, really good to have you both here. I really hope you stick around with us all.
Sam, sorry that you have had such a tough time physically. I know you were relieved not to have to make any 'decision' this time, but its still hard. I hope the iron and antibiotics do their job swiftly. xxx

Bezzy and Marj, still thinking of you both. xxx

Tree, I am overwhelmed at your kindness with the egg thing. I could tell from your posts to us all that you are a truly lovely person, and this confirms it. And Sam as well, I can't believe it, the two of you who are so very very kind.

Bee, as someone else sadi, go and get your own consultants opinion on the whole PGD thing, and get a second one as well! And try as much as is humanly possible to forget those damn statistics. Take your own advice and stay positive.
My body is back in the normal swing of things now and I have ordered a bulk load of ovulation tests. I peeked at the TTC board but it is so busy and way scary. Gonna hide here and just see what happens in the future for me.
I have, I think, too much optimistic hope for this month and am worried I will crash down to earth when it doesn't happen (which statistically for me it won't, all 3 pregnancies have taken over a year to make!) Hey ho.

I had a friend over this morning, a friend I'd never met before! It was a lovely lady from the ARC site who went through the same as me at the same time, (her 2nd too) and we supported each other through it with texts, chats and emails. Today I got to put a face to a name. It was great to meet up and share our photos of our wee angels. Her dd and mine put a stop to too much real talk
though...they demanded attention as only children can.

Long day though and I am trying not to drink wine every night. I never usually do this, but since Daisy I have had the odd glass more regularly. Hic.

Hello to Ilovemydog and Justabout. xxx

Love Lins xx

Thanks bee and lins for kind messages.
Tree - I was comfortable with my donation - the geography was tricky, and caused some difficulties, but other than that, I was happy with it. Unfortunately, it wasn't succesful - I managed to produce a load of eggs - but only 3 turned to embryos, and none worked. I wondered whether I might try again for her, but am on the old side now (37 - so don't feel it!) and after Annie, they wouldn't take me anyway, so that decision is made for me. Sadly still no positive news from my relative even though she has tried with 2 other donors since. Oh dear - again I've come in with a negative, but please don't be disheartened by my experience - it does work for so many others... I v much hope it works for you, but please remember if it doesn't work it will not be your fault - you are giving a v generous gift regardless....
Bee - I wasn't remotely distressed by your negativity on the 1 in 10 thing - I guess I was just looking for the positives and trying to pass a bit of that on... Our 1 in 10 figure is v much a guestimate from the geneticist - only 9 cases of this particular type of the disease Annie had have been reported in the world. It means they really have v little to go on. Worst case is it could be 1 in 4 chance it happens again - we just don't know - so I guess I go for 1 in 10 as it sounds much better. Perhaps trying for another is a crazy thing to do. It is different for me too, and I know this sounds harsh, but it does make it easier for us in a way - the condition is "lethal" - there are no different degrees of it - it is v black and white. It does feel a bit like Russian roulette, but DH and I are still keen to try to give DS a sibling... But I think Lins is right - if you can forget the statistics do - and if you can get your own consultants opinion I would. I think if I have learnt anything from this latest miscarriage, it is how anxious I was - I think I have said it before - much as I wish I was still pregnant, I feel a relief that the anxiousness is gone, and a determination to try to fight the anxiety next time. It's such a vicious cycle... easier said than done...

Lins - how lovely to have made a new friend from ARC - that sounds really special. And good luck with the next stage... I expect to be taking up your nightly glass of wine next week once I've stopped the antibiotics...
Oh dear - yet again I have signed on here for 10 minutes, and 40 minutes later am still here..
Sleep well all....
xx

Ladies
Just wanted to let you know will not be 'on' til Sunday as LM and I and his mum (yes -I know) - who is 75 and her friend - Monica - who is very much not the Monica from friends are going to Paris in the morning til Sunday.
LM and I are going on Eurostar and they by plane so chance for bit of romance on way and then 'Biddy Watch' for 48 hours.
As his mum said on the phone 'I don't want any frogs legs'. Quite. Who would.
So the magic of Paris shared with Jean and Monica - a bus tour and a baguette. What could be better?
It is our good turn - and I am hoping that I am in a better space than when in Norfolk.
So go well dear ladies - I am leaving you for few days knowing you will look after each other.
A bientot
BB
xx

Bee - you prob won't read this as you'll have gone, but hope you have a great time!! xxxx

Am away till Sunday night - have a weekend everyone. Good or not - lets hope it is restorative, peaceful, calm, fun, busy - whatever you need it to be. x

Hello everyone. Quiet on here today, - hopefully because we've all been out doing busy things in the sunshine and now are tucked up on the sofa with a glass of wine. I am waiting for my glass of wine because Dh is putting dd to bed and anytime now I will here wails of "I want my mummy!!" and I will have to leap to her every wish. Hmmm.

Marj, how are you? I hope you are still reading and knowing we are thinking of you, even if you don't feel like posting at the moment.
Bezzy, how are you getting on too? xxx Hugs to you.

I got some text messages from BBee earlier, saying she was having a tough time in Paris. Poor poppet really needs to be on here with us.
It's a struggle for us all isn't it. One moment you think you are coping, the next minute a wave of sadness knock you right over. My sadness this time after losing Daisy is quite different from after Amy. Different but real. So on the whole I am coping. But I do feel the guilt so much, and sadly now I also know there are those who think 'that serves you right'. I would not write here the thoughts I occasionally have about the decision I have made, even though I know this is a support thread. But some of you can probably guess anyway.

Anyway, i started this message to say hello to everyone, not to ramble on! HELLO everyone.
Love Lins xx

Blimey, it is quiet on here. Dh wants to know what's going on, on MN today (he likes his updates)...but it's nothing!! Maybe this is good.
Hope you are all having relaxing evenings. xxx
Lins

Right, off to bed... [gentle snoring noises]

Hello ladies, sorry for the absence, I've been completely wiped out since Thursday with tonsillitis, but finally today, I think I may be on the mend. (I always seem to get it when I'm run down, so shouldn't be surprised really) On the plus side I haven't eaten in 4 days, and have lost 4kg! I suspect I'll put it all back on once I'm up and about, but here's hoping it's a nice head start to my diet!

Marj, I really hope you're doing OK after Thursday.

BB - how was Paris - I really hope you managed to have a good time in spite of being a chaperone!

linspins - as always, thanks for the wise words, I'm not sure how you seem to hold it together all the time, you really are a 'rock' around here.

Everybody else: Justa, Tree, Sam, Shangrila, and anybody else, i may have unintentionally forgotten, lets start on the positive thoughts now for a good week....

Love to all, thanks for being so supportive xx