Hi Marj,
I'm not surprised you don't know what to do. It must have been a shock to get the news, and brings all the realities in to stark relief. Of course, you probably can do nothing, if that is what you want. If your hospital is like mine, they will arrange it all for you, so you could just turn up. Who phoned you, was it a chaplain? Or the registrar's office? Di they say get back in touch when you are ready?
Having said you could do nothing, you may find it therapeutic to do something. If you want to look at nice poems, there are some on the ARC parents forums, under files. The office can also send you a booklet of poems put together by another mother.
Something I thought of was to read out/get read out your favourite children's story. Kind of like tucking them in and saying goodnight..
I didn't do this in the end as I knew it would actually be TOO emotional, and I would sob so much, and probably not hear it.
If you want to choose music, you can go to itunes and search for stuff by theme eg. music for funerals, and suggestions will come up. I haven't actually done this but a friend did. Also there is a site you can look on to find music that your crematorium will have www.wesleymusic.co.uk and follow the links. This is a library of music that crematoria have, so if you want something, you can search the library to see if they have got it. A little note here - I was told that my crematorium couldn't play anything not on its original CD. This was massively upsetting as I had bought/downloaded "Baby Mine" from itunes, and so obviously didn't have the original. But they did have it already on their Wesley system, which was ok - once I found out.
Flowers...I found it comforting to be able to take a little arrangement with me, maybe you could get a tiny posy of white, or an arrangement to go on top of the casket. Forget-me-nots are in season for a touch of blue? The difficult bit is going to the florist to ask for it. But they must be used to people crying, and once you manage to say what you need and why, the conversation does get easier. Hint: pay for it when you order, while you've done the worst part, then you can run in and collect without hardly speaking!
For both Amy and Daisy I wrote them letters. Too personal (and tear stained) to read out in the service, but I asked for them to be put in the casket to go 'with them'.
We also bought a tiny toy each time -first Max from 'Where the Wild Things Are', (my favourite story when I was little) and this time a soft velvety rabbit. We only had one Max, which went with Amy, but this time I bought two rabbits, one for Daisy and one the same for me to keep. Also I didn't copy Amy's letter, but I did keep a photocopy this time of Daisy's. I just wanted more tangible things that were/are theirs. My DH wrote letters too, but I didn't read them.
Other things our chaplain asked us which were helpful: do you or your dh want to carry the casket in? (we didn't, dh found it all too much) And do you want the curtains drawn around the casket at the end? (we didn't as I find that bit the worst bit. We listened to our song, and then walked out quietly afterwards.)
We then took our flowers to the special baby rememberance garden - does your crematorium garden have one?
I have heard of other people letting balloons go, or lighting special candles.
I hope some of this helps a little and hasn't been more than awful to read. I am thinking of you. Big Hugs. xxxxx
Lins xxxxx