support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Marj

My thoughts are with you, I really hope that tomorrow goes smoothly (and beautifully) for you.

Lins

Glad work went ok.

Everybody else, hope you had a fab day.

Me - i'm a little sunburned. Silly me.

Night all x

Ok, Justa, I'm off to bed soon, promise...!
Really hope all is ok with your Ds1, sounds like it's been a long day for all. Fingers crossed for your Dad too. xxx

Marj, I slept with Daisy's little velvet rabbits next to my heart the night before she was born. I scooped them up and took them with me whenever I rolled over. So she had something I had cuddled for her.
Something small and very soft is good.

Glad you got out in the sun Bezzy. xx

Night all. xx

Justa - hope lo ok. Sorry your dad is ill and there is stuff going on for you. Thanks for telling us about the teddy.

marj1 - hang in there. You're doing brilliantly. x

Hi bezzyk and all.

Dearest dearest Marj
golly what a shock to get that information so starkly Marj -and how overwhelming. But you know, it sounds to me like you have a good sense of how you would like it to be now that you have had time to reflect and listen.
Like Justabout says I imagine the chaplains must be incredibly special people to hold services in this way and once you have spoken to them I am sure you will feel calmer or at least that they can lead it for you. That is their job I feel as when we lose someone we are sometimes too too distraught to think. So you are feeling lots and that is right. You are not alone. Your hubby will hold you up, the chaplain will and we WILL. I feel so strongly held together here. And feel so strongly that want to hold together the people i have met.
Lins -sweetie - to read about Daisy and Amy's services brought tears to my teary eyes. You show such delicacy, such sweet touching loveliness when you talk about your nearly girls.
So reach out whenever and however you want- in confusion, in pain, in sorrow and in meltdown.
We do know. Each of us in different ways.
With fondest thoughts for you Marj - and Lins too.
Have been inspired by your 'heigh ho, heigh ho it's off to work we go' and am doing a half day on Wednesday to get me started.
And Tree - dearest Tree - I spoke to two friends - one lives locally - has had three miscarriages, on at 20 weeks or so - but that is not why I spoke to her. It is because she holds herself together and does not cry, does not ignore the sorrow, is gentle and appropriate , neurotic and funny.
The other is an old university friend who lives in Switzerland and has a deep sense of the trials and tribulations of life, lost her mother in her early twenties, is analytical, sees the bigger picture, is reflective, sensitive.
Why i hold on to this thread so tightly is that no one knows the whole story and am too tired to share it. But Lins, Justabout, and Tree - you have accompanied me and that helps so. And Marj you may have been reading too and i know you know.
So dear Marj - take it slowly til Thursday.
An important week for you - but there is no right way I guess.
Hugs and thoughts to all
Bee

Hope you are ok Busier. An important week for you too, half day Wed. Will be thinking of you, but will check in before then obviously.

Ate ALL my muffnies, and have belly ache. [what ch'a call a muffin that doesn't rise and looks like a brownie - a muffnie. Or a Brownin]

Hope you get some sleep Marj - we are here when you need us or can post. x

My midwife just called. She didn't have a clue what had happened. Had to relay the story. Again. I suspected she didn't know as I'd not heard anything from her.

Best of all, I was at the zoo with DD when she called so everyone in the playground knows my story too.

There goes my good mood. Memories that I'd swept safely under the carpet have now all come flooding back.

HI Bezzy
Is very early days my love - you are doing so well to be out in the world at all really. Cmmunication is sometimes embarrassingly dire i find in hospitals. Did you ask her to cancel all your future appts as this can also be very upsetting for you.
Is another bridge crossed, another conversation had, another day half over towards peace.
Sorry you had to have that conversation in such a public place however.
Take care of yourself and write soon
BB xx

Hi BB

Thanks for your quick response. There are no future appointments thank goodness. I cancelled them all last week when I was having a strong day.

Why is it that I get up feeling ok and then something always seems to happen to push me over the edge?

I know you say it's early days, but I just seem to be getting worse. I suppose the initial shock is now wearing off and the reality of the situation is now hitting home.

I've signed up to ARC and I'm reading the posts on there, but I just don't have the energy to tell my story again, just yet, so don't think I'll be posting on there for a while.

How are you getting on?

Well - how am I getting on? Gosh I do not even know really. I guess everyone has their own rhythm and pace and pattern. With the first baby - i was initially in pieces then clawed back up fairly quickly as was just focused on getting pregnant.
This time - I reached a very very dark place immediately and i think this was in part due to the bad care I received and partly the terrifying trauma of it happening twice. I think I am grieving for both babies now.
I am dealing with it by talking alot, maybe obsessively?, on here and now on ARC too.
I was immersed in misery for two weeks - every breath was a struggle. Then little things happen, tiny shifts I guess. This week, the children are at school, there is a new beginning, the term has started. I am able to email work now and I do not think about every second.
I have not cried for a few days apart from reading the sad sadness of other womens' experience.
It was maybe just over a week ago for you wasn't it? Sorry if this is wrong. So maybe you strode back into life, with your wee one and now it hits you at unexpected times. And maybe that is your pattern.
Just try maybe to let it in, let it wash over you. It will not stay longer than needs be maybe. I think you sometimes have to feel these things. Is normal and you are doing well to be here on the site and talking.
Well done Bezzy - keep reading ARC - I did the same before posting - and be gentle on yourself. You have had a big big shock.
Write whenever
BB xxxxxxxx

Dear Bezzy - be kind to yourself, and expect nothing of yourself. In terms of time it takes and how it should feel. I think these life traumas have a pattern of hitting in waves, ok one day, on the floor the next, ok one week, on the floor the next - and so on. And things will trigger it for you and all of you - seeing something, or a smell or a familiar song from around the critical time.
That is the way of post trauma - and this is living through trauma lets be clear on it. Life doesn't get much grittier and harder than this.

Post whenever, ride the waves and give in to it - until you feel the wave wash out again and feel some strength return. Bless you. We'll all be keeping an eye out for you, but feel under no pressure.

Bearest bb, so amazing to hear you here - I can imagine the new term, the changing season, it is the right time for your wave to turn and for you to look towards leaving that first 2 weeks behind. But I guess there will be times for you too - it is natural.

Am thinking of you all.

thanks Justa, TD and BB, I do hope you're right. I (and my dh) were concerned that I was midst a breakdown. I just hate being so unpredictable, as it really isn't in my nature.

Thanks beary much Justa

Ok so it took me 2 re reads to spot the typo.

Tee hee

bezzyk - not there obviously but you don't sound like you are in a breakdown to me either. You sound like you are feeling the awful reality of what has happened to you. Whilst this is so so so hard and cruel for you to do, it is in fact amazingly healthy in some ways. To bottle it up and for it to over boil in 10 years - this is unhealthy. But then there is no right or wrong way of living this is there - just get through each day, each hour is you have to.

And listen to Busierbee - who as she said - was in a completely different place 2 weeks ago.

Go easy on yourself and take time time time.

Can't think of a bear pun. Damn it!

You had to say that? In front of people? Rofl!!! They will have thought it was your idea!

hilarious! that's made me crack a smile

Evening all,
yeah, it's all getting beary silly on here.
Back from another day at the chalkface, and just waiting for dinner to finish cooking.
Bezzy, what a hard day for you. As everyone has said in various ways, there will be all sorts of ups and downs. The hormonal shock might be wearing off and reality hitting, but this awful stage will pass. We will hold your hand while it does.

ok, dh wanting me to join him to eat dinner...more later! xxx

Bezzy - so sorry to hear of your traumatic day, especially as the whole of the Zoo now knows your personal life - not much fun.

I'm not as good with words as our other friends on here but I do know the feeling of thinking it is all out of control and having a good day and then a bad day. I'm praying tomorrow will be a good day for you xx

Marj, how are you today? Was wondering how things were going for Joseph's service. What time will it be? - I want to be sending you warm thoughts and strength at the time. I am glad you have a strong belief. Hope it doesn't offend or sound silly but I've always felt a bit envious of people who have a religious belief, and wished for something similar in difficult times. I do 'borrow' some parts though, for my sanity as much as anything else, like my idea of heaven. I like to imagine Amy and Daisy in a heavenly garden, like a big old orchard, with swings on the branches, and apple blossom all around, and warm picnic rugs that smell of childhood suncream, to lie and dream on. It's all in soft focus, but maybe that's the tears in my eyes.

Bezzy, more hugs.

Tree, send us a muffnie. [looks pleadingly, and still a bit hungry]
Justa, how is your Dad and ds?
Ilovemydog - hello!
Busier, thanks for holding the thread together. I see you off to work tomorrow? Take a big breath. Good luck, hope it is easier than you imagine.

May the sun shine some more tomorrow.

Love Lins xxx

Ooooh, I just checked out the BBC weather forecast for here - it says only sunshine for the whole 5 day forecast. I'm a bit pleased about that! . Just had to share it with someone. xx