support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Hi Lins,

I've had a bad day today. Went to pieces last night when I knew the funeral was Thursday, didn't sleep, cryed had a massive headache so called in sick today which I felt guilty about after only going back yesterday. I slept most of the day and woke feeling slightly better.

Hospital Chaplin came to see us this evening to go through things which I found useful as I didn't really have a clue what was going to happen. I called the funeral arrangers and I'm popping over there tomorrow with 2 teddies for Joseph; one from DH and myself and one from our DD which she picked herself earlier when we went shopping. I did ask could I put them in his coffin personally but they said that wouldn't be possible but she would make sure they got there.

We've chosen 4 little poems and we'll walk in to Tears from Heaven by Eric Clapton and walk out to You'll never Walk Alone. Think DH or I will carry the coffin in, really don't want a stranger carrying my little boy. Feel a lot calmer about things now - will go back into work tomorrow.

Oh and came on my period which in itself is upsetting but at least I know my insides are "back to normal".

How was your 2nd day at work?

Marjxxx

Marj,
you've had a bad day but you have survived and it sounds like really a lovely service you have planned. Sleep is very therapeutic, glad you got lots today. Neither me or Dh had the emotional strength to carry the coffin, you are very brave. i hope tomorrow is a calmer day for you.
My period arrived last saturday, I felt very upset (because it shouldn't be here) and very excited (we can start trying again soon) all at the same time. Big sigh.

Second day was ok, but one of my colleagues gave me a poem and i don't know if it was thoughtful or thoughtless! I'd been talking yesterday about how I value time with my dd EVEN more now, and don't want to miss a minute of her childhood, in case she is our only one (here with us). Today the poem she gave me was about hoping our children will look back and remember us as Mummies who spent their time playing with them, ending in
"so hush now cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep" - in other words, sod the house work, cuddle your baby before she grows up.
That immediately made me burst in to tears. phew.

Night all. xxx

Oh ladies
So much feeling on this thread and some of it joy and humour which is such a pleasure to share with you. Makes it all more... yes you guessed it bearable.
Bezzy - I have battled with feelings of falling apart so much in last few weeks - and if you are a person who normally is very in control of yourself emotionally and you kind of suggest you are- but i could be wrong - then it is more of a shock when your feelings overcome you.
But it is normal and as lovely Justabout says (or is it Tree - they both have such wisdom) it is a necessary part of the grieving process.
But do you know - i was just so dark. So consumed with sorrow. And in the last few weeks it has shifted to a different pattern.
And Marj Marj Marj - I think you convey your spirit so well - and boy you are having some new and agonising experiences - and you are being so sane and strong to share them here with us.I will think of you and your family and baby Joseph on Thursday. Be safe in their arms - they will help you through the storm.
Lins - you have such a way of conveying the love and loss of your girls. Is so very touching - and feel that our babies know this somehow. Or someone does. There is such a gently voice when you talk about them.
Justa - hope news on father is positive and thank you for being there for us.
Tree - have you had fun in the sun with your wee bunnies?
Lins - am working from home tomorrow now_YAY- so will be Captain Mumsnet for day.
Had some troubling news from Dani -althouh she feels optimistic. See Arc tomo.
Sleep well bears
BB x

Morning Ladies.

Thanks for all of your lovely messages of support. It's such a relief to find out that my feelings are not out of the ordinary. Good luck today Marj, I'll be thinking of you. I'm not sure how you've all coped with funerals for your little angels. We terminated at 13+5 so made it in time for the 14 week cut off, so I was able to have the general anaesthetic and didn't have to go through the emotional trauma of giving birth.

Wishing you all a fabulous day

B x

Thanks so much for the warm and kind words written on here after I posted a few days ago.

Have been hovering - not great at talking about how I feel either in the real world or on here. I just go to work, manage situations, go home, play with my dd, stare at telly for an hour and collapse in bed. I feel so weary I can barely cope with my daughter (2 in July and god the mood swings are kicking in fast!)and my dh is doing most of the work. I have a gorgeous girl, a lovely man, a good job, I'm pregnant after a termination and what the bloody hell is wrong with me. Finding no joy in anything, complete fatalist. If i was anyone else I'd be giving me a good slap (metaphorically)

I have my combined test in three weeks and feeling slightly hysterical already.

Reading on here about baby's funerals makes me marvel at the strength some people have - you're amazing. Thoughts and good wishes for Thursday marj1.

HI Lindso
What is wrong with you indeed!?? YOU ARE PREGGERS!Is utterly exhausting to be pregnant at the best of times, and with the world of work and toddlerdom even more weary making.
And you have had a termination and that is harrowing on the spirit and whilst we all know it will be okay, it troubles the soul a little.
Glad you are having the combined test as it seems to be more accurate than the triple.
GOOD LUCK!
Am working from home today and getting self into state. Boss has asked for a record of all days worked since September - so have trawled through my diary ( I have a very distressed response to my diary - all those hopeful dates, furious crossing outs, sad dates, troubled weeks ) and now feel 'why should i have to justify myself? Do you really think i wanted all those days off sick?
So am cross and upset and have heard now that PGD is not really an option for parents with DS problems and the sun is shining but I cannot feel it.
Big big sigh and sad moment
byeee to you and well done for popping back in to our little den of sometimes gentleness and othertimes blind fury and sorrow. And sometimes jollity.
kisses

Bb -not an easy day for you. I guess there will be days like these. Be 100% honest with boss - tell them exactly how you felt on the days you couldn't make it in. I'm sure when they have heard a few words they will get over needing any justification.

Lindso - good to hear from you. You know you can post/not post anytime. Maybe we will hear more from you nearer screening time, maybe not. Whatever works for you. x

Marj1 - How are you? Wishing you strength to get rest tonight and live through tommorrow. Will be thinking of you - of course.

Oh I know I should know this but there has never been a good time to ask but......PGD?

Ahhhhhh

No really I have heard of that. Phew.

Got my stuff on being an egg donor today. Got the appt. end of May. ONLY only small thing is it is going to stop my milk production for dd2. I dunno. Prob not the place to discuss this - but a few of you know I am being a donor for a couple I know.

So sorry for your lousy day BB. Can't believe your boss is making you go through the trauma of remembering each bad day you've had. No wonder you're feeling so sad.

And as everyone else has said, Lindso, you're bound to be feeling apprehensive about everything. Just take it one day at a time, and remember that actually making it to 12 weeks with a Down's baby is pretty unusual in the first place as they tend to miscarry, so as long as things are going well, try and remain positive. (will someone please re-iterate this to me, should I ever decide to try for kids again)

Marj - sorry, when I woke up this morning and checked MN, for some reason I thought it was Thursday, so what I meant to say was, I'll be thinking of you - tomorrow.

I'm feeling rubbish, didn't keep to my mantra of screening my calls, so, pregnant friend (one of the many) called and I stupidly answered. Anyway, managed to put me on a downer for the rest of the day. And to top it off, I think I'm coming down with something. Sore throat, achey body, you know the drill.

And the cherry on top...put DD to bed and came back downstairs, walked into the lounge and they're even having babies on Handy Manny! AAARRRGGGHHHH. Anybody out there with a toddler will know what I'm on about.

Love to you all.

PS Thanks for my message on ARC Linspins, so very thoughtful of you xxx

Hi Bezzk - sorry you are feeling rubbish. Paracetamol and a blanket? Phones off maybe? Have a comforting slab of chocolate from me and a big sleep. Might stave of the cold. You so don't need that now.

Lovely people
Have had one glass of wine and has gone straight to head - must be the sun so if am somewhat vague bear with me.
Marj - I just know the sun will shine tomorrow for you as it did for Lins. It will be a painful and necessary day - and will become part of your story. I will think of you and Joseph. And all the babies.
I hope you are all warmed by the sunshine - and will write soon - ooh I do like you being there my guardian angels.
Beeeeee
ps did not get my ARC update today! Sad face

Lindso - sorry you are having such a bad time. Being pregnant is a tough time, and it is even harder after a termination - all the worries etc. And your dd is only young too. You might feel so bad cos you are just exhausted. When I was preg this last time I could barely move I was so tired. I even worried that something else was wrong with me I felt SO ill. Huge embarrassment for me when my mother secretly phone my in-laws and asked them to come to stay to help me look after my dd! Have you got help you can call upon? And alos did you get any counselling after your termination? Maybe you need a bit of face to face support? (Just had a thought, my local Sands group have an off-shoot group, 'pregnancy after loss' - maybe there is something near you like that?) But take it easy, no slaps please. xxx

Marj1 - I hope tomorrow is the day you need it to be and a fitting chance to say a formal goodbye. Your little boy will be with you in your heart always. xxx

Bezzy - hibernate? Hugs and hope you feel better soon.

Bee - I think we're all having a bad day today! Sad that your boss is being so rubbish. hmmmm.
Difficult news on the PGD front. It had been mentioned as an option for us when they thought both our babies had the same chromosomal thing, but it turned out they didn't, so PGD isn't for us either. I guess there is no magic wand this time.
Can't think of anything helpful to say, sorry. Had a REALLY tough day with dd, she has been whiny and clingy and not herself at all, and so difficult. Everything I did was wrong in her eyes and she tested my patience to it's limits. I really shouted at her which is the first time ever and now I feel so crap, I'm normally the most cuddly and laid back type to her. Poor thing probably wonders what's going on. Now I feel like a shit parent.

Not sure I can offer anyone any thing helpful now, so I'm off. Tree and Justa, you'll have to hold the thread together, I think we're all falling apart.

Lins xx

Bee you can always log on to Yahoo and read the ARC mails directly rather than wait for the digest. xxx

Lins - I used to be able to log on the ARC but my email log on is no longer working with ARC and need to speak to them tomorrow - upsettingly as I feel it is another safe place.
Bad days are just that,, bad days,]. I imagine we always have them but find them more harrowing as we are coming out of the dark place and can so easily be tipped back in.
One little shout is okay - I also rarely rarely shout at my children - I am known for my ridiculous patience - it is the teacher in me - but now and again an outburst will come. I think it is okay to say ' I am sorry, mummy was cross like you sometimes get cross'. Is over now. They do need to learn the whole gamut of emotions - she is so wee your little one - am sure it upset you more than her.
Yes am upset re PDC - also wait for it, Dani was told she has a ten percent chance of it happening again - which seemed okay. Then LM told me -as am crap at maths - that is 1 in ten. One in ten. Before we have even started. Most women would freak at that after a nuchal and i will have it before.
Not sure can do it. Not sure can NOT have a baby.
LM - lovely man - is more resigned and says our life is good. I say , yes, but I want to have a baby with you, your baby, our baby.
Sad.
Very sad.
do not want to accept it
B xx

Oh ladies - it's a hard day for you all. There will be days like these I guess. Even in 10 years. Hold on to loved ones and be warm, comfortable, fed and watered.

lins - Will do all I can to step in for sad mummies when they need space for their pain.

bb- never did Disraeli get it more right with his lies lies and damn statistics. 1:10 affected - also 9:10 unaffected. Just numbers. We want to know the reality really I guess. The numbers thing is just betting on horses. You need to know your reality - but there are no crystal balls. That is the reality. You are brave you know, to be looking at these things so soon. I feel huge saddness for you bb. And all of you. x

I'm very patient. I annoy myself sometimes!

Thanks for kind words....you help.
BB - bosses are gits and stats are terrifying when they're stacked against you. Its the unfairness and wrongness and hurt pitted against hard figures which give you no comfort. Hell - but we still keep getting up in the morning and facing the day. You seem such a wise good soul. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I've shouted at my daughter twice i think - both times she gave me such a look of confusion and not understanding I felt terrible. Her tantrums remind me so much of myself its terrifying...I will get what I want, I will!

But do you know what ladies - am not sure that patience maketh the best mother.But i will tell you why i think that patience is part of my pysche if you like.
When I was a wee girl, I suffered terrible anxiety and fear. All the usual symptoms; wet the bed, scared of the dark. bit my nail. I felt - and i only know this through years of therapy- very alone and very unheard. So I think I am very tuned in to the little sad voices of children. If they are letting off now- remember mine are BIG- I usually suss what it is and can deflate the upset. I can not bear to think that they are sad, lonely, worried and no one is listening.
When they were little folk -my middle child in particular had a terrible paddy pants syndrome- friends of mine still remember it! The whole house would be tense waiting for him to go off on one.
I DID SHOUT! I did reach the end of my tether. It is impossible not to when they so small - as it all seems so irrational and they do not know why they are disgruntled and neither do you.
When I am patient, it is because i would like someone to be or have been patient with me.
When I am angry with them it is usually because my head is busy with everydayness or worry and I can not listen.
Who knows?
This is our family; everyone different.
The odd yell is not damaging ladies!
Look at some of the children some of us work with - who are shouted out and so much worse.
Ours are the lucky ones.
Have a good day my lovely ogres

Marj1 - all love. Hope it's ok and maybe even helps a bit. x

Bb - very very right, ours are the lucky ones.